To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

EmberLynn Posted: Aug 03, 2005 09:19 PM

To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

My fiance isn't thrilled that I've choosen to keep my name, but he does have a point when it comes to his family. They won't handle it well. His family is very very very old school. Their mind set hasn't left the 50's. I know I'm rocky ground with them already, (I'm not catholic and my family isn't from money.)Any suggestions on how to deal with this? I was thinking about informing them soon before the wedding or just not telling them at all. Any advise?

suven Posted: Aug 03, 2005 09:32 PM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

I wouldn't mention it at all. My IL's don't even know that my last name is hyphenated. I just let them think what they want to think.

Although, when I mail things to them, I just write DH's last name on the return address.

stevejamnik Posted: Aug 03, 2005 09:41 PM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

My FH isn't too thrilled with the idea either. We actually fought over it. He felt rejected almost. He was like you don't like my last name. I said no thats not it I just like mine better. I'm gonna hypenate it. I tried to explain to him that I have grown up with that name all my life and thats me!!

CTarantino Posted: Aug 03, 2005 09:50 PM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

I have the same problem. I am Colombian/Italian and look very ethnic..my last name is ethnic and it kinda identifies me. My finacee last name is like a 'John Doe' or 'Jane Smith' last name. Nothing to it. I am very set on keeping my last name and FH is very upset and told him Mother and she is bitching at me about why I don't like their last name. I am already in the dog house with them

I will still use my ethnic name professionally and keep it hush hush to them about the last name.

randella Posted: Aug 03, 2005 10:32 PM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

Ok-- well, what I was planning on doing- was not changing my name legally, but using DH's name socially, etc.

I then planned to hyphenate- so I can use either name when I wanted to-- but never together- although both would be part of my legal name.

So- our marriage certificate has my name hyphenated-- but, I have not gotten around to doing anything else.

for all intents and purposes-- I am Mrs. B.. but, legally-- I am still plain ole me..

ETS-- So you can do that-- they don;t have to know that you did not legally change your name-- what are they going to do-- call up Social Security?

tracie143 Posted: Aug 03, 2005 10:49 PM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

I agree dont mention it at all. They do not have to know

ssdbk Posted: Aug 03, 2005 11:12 PM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

I don't think they have to know. I'm not legally changing my name but I won't correct anyone who calls me by FH's name. We are not making a big deal about the name thing to anyone.

EmberLynn Posted: Aug 03, 2005 11:17 PM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

I just dread the idea of people calling me Mrs. Josesph Anthony M. I find that so insulting. I'm sill Bonnie, I hate the idea of being under his shadow

suven Posted: Aug 03, 2005 11:20 PM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

Posted by EmberLynn

I just dread the idea of people calling me Mrs. Josesph Anthony M. I find that so insulting. I'm sill Bonnie, I hate the idea of being under his shadow

Believe me, no one has EVER called me 'Mrs. John Albert Smith'

Everyone still calls me Sue/Susan, just like they always did. Now, we just get mail that says, 'Mr. and Mrs. John Smith' But, now that I think about it, people were sending it that way even before we were married

misawa18 Posted: Aug 03, 2005 11:24 PM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

My fh was not happy....he was insulted..and we faught over it. We discussed it and he got over it...he said if that is what I want hten that is ok with him. Our kids will just have his last name...but I just want to keep mine.

His mom make a big stink over it...but she makes a big stink about EVERYITNHING. I agree with everyone else dont mention it....It;s your choice not theres...

M

OctRo05 Posted: Aug 04, 2005 08:52 AM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

The only consideration to keep in mind is if you have children and want to travel with them. If they have the father's surname and you dont, you can't sign as guardian when travelling out of the country. My MOH advised me of this, so she had to change her passport so that she could travel out of the country with her son.

takeoutcook Posted: Aug 04, 2005 09:11 AM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

ask your FH to take your name - when (and if) he starts explaining that he couldnt possibly change his name then he may begin to understand that for many people, the thought of changing their last name is very difficult.

I'm keeping my maiden name - inlaws are mad but I really dont care.

IrishBride-05 Posted: Aug 04, 2005 09:21 AM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

Posted by takeoutcook

ask your FH to take your name - when (and if) he starts explaining that he couldnt possibly change his name then he may begin to understand that for many people, the thought of changing their last name is very difficult.

That's what I say too. FH is already called Mr. my-last-name by our neighbors because all the mail comes to me and he hates it. It's no business of his family if I'm not taking his name. It's not intended as an insult to them. I just feel very strongly about keeping my maiden name.

DAVALJO2 Posted: Aug 04, 2005 09:23 AM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

I actually am debating about this. love my last name and get compliments for it all the time because it also can be used as a first name. I don't want to change it. I know FH won't be thrilled with that.

july06bride Posted: Aug 04, 2005 09:25 AM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

mine dont know yet that i am hyphenating, and they may be upset, my theory is oh well, it is not their last name, i would like to make them happy in many ways, but this is ultimately my decision with fh , not theirs. i dont think it is something i need to announce to them, when they find out they find out

Sonicstef Posted: Aug 04, 2005 09:26 AM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

I had a similiar situation. In the end, it was more important that Im happy with my name than his family be happy with it. Its hardly unusual - they will deal with it. Just be strong.

To compromise with my husband I agreed to use his name socially. So things like our christmas cards, etc.. all go out with our family name. That doesnt bother me at all and it appeases him.

HearzBellz Posted: Aug 04, 2005 09:31 AM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

I hyphenated, and my ILs REFUSE to acknowledge it. When they send things to my house, or if they give a check for a gift the will write only his last name. It is evil. I hate it & I think that it is disrespectful that they will not acknowledge my name or my fanily in that way.

I am not sure if there is a good way to break it to them, or to make them accept it more. It is your name & I am sure they would not have a problem with the decision if the roles were reveresed - like if their son had decided to keep his family's name instead of taking yours....

Good Luck

dpli Posted: Aug 04, 2005 09:52 AM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

Posted by takeoutcook

ask your FH to take your name - when (and if) he starts explaining that he couldnt possibly change his name then he may begin to understand that for many people, the thought of changing their last name is very difficult.

This is sort of the tactic that I used. I also don't care if any children we have take his name, I just want to keep my own and I am.

Honestly, it really doesn't come up that often. My family will say things like 'the Smiths are here...' and I don't bother correcting them. I kept my name for me and don't really make a big deal out of correcting people about it. There has been one instance where DH was called Mr. mylastname and he wasn't thrilled. I thought it was good for him to hear it, because I think it helped him to understand why I want to keep my name.

betty2005 Posted: Aug 04, 2005 10:18 AM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

Posted by randella

Ok-- well, what I was planning on doing- was not changing my name legally, but using DH's name socially, etc.

I then planned to hyphenate- so I can use either name when I wanted to-- but never together- although both would be part of my legal name.

So- our marriage certificate has my name hyphenated-- but, I have not gotten around to doing anything else.

for all intents and purposes-- I am Mrs. B.. but, legally-- I am still plain ole me..

ETS-- So you can do that-- they don;t have to know that you did not legally change your name-- what are they going to do-- call up Social Security?

This is legally ok? I thought once you changed it on the certificate, you had to change it on everything. Just curious...

julybride06 Posted: Aug 04, 2005 10:34 AM

Re: To brides who have or will be keeping their maiden names

I thought about hyphenating, but then I thought about our kids. I think if I had a better relationship with the inlaws...taking his name owuldn't be so torturous! But, I decided to take his name...it kills my FMIL for me to be called, 'Mrs.'