Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
BlondeJD
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Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
So, here's the situation and keep in mind that I'm really not a gift-centric girl, but I think this is a little weird. My wedding was just over 2 months ago and my MOH, who I speak to on a very regular basis, has not gotten us a gift or a card. She also hasn't mentioned anything about it, even just to say that she's waiting til she finds a job (she is just out of grad school and looking for a job) so she can get us something.
She's usually a very open person, even about finances, and she knows me to be really understanding. I'd offered to help her out with paying for her BM dress if she needed it, for example. I'd mentioned in a few emails other gifts that people got us, in case she 'forgot' or something (I know it sounds silly) or even to give her a chance to say 'I know I haven't gotten you guys a gift yet, but I'm waiting to get a job' or 'I bought you a gift and will give it to you when I see you.'
I'm a pretty straight-forward person and usually I'm fine asking people about things, but you can't really be like 'hey, where's my gift?' And, honestly, it's not about getting $$ or a gift as much as I just think it's *weird* that we didn't even get a card from her. How would you all handle this situation? If you'd suggest mentioning it to her out-right, what would you say? I'm really thinking that maybe it's that she can't afford something nice and she's too ashamed to admit it? I mean, when I mention emails about other people's gifts (not throwing it in her face, just saying 'Oh, I saw X today and was able to pick up the gift she got us. ___ was really great and I can't wait to use it at the new apartment.') she doesn't even comment on it.
Sorry this is so long, it's just been weighing on my mind a bit
Ronkonkomonga
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Oh boy - I would never say anything in this situation. If I knew she could afford it, and didn't even give a card I would bring it up. But there is something about saying it to a person that doesn't have it that may be slightly inappropriate. IMO
The no card part is weird - but if you are dropping hints, and she isn't biting then I would let it go.
I would send her a TY card anyway, but don't mention anything . Really what could she say to you?
Wait - ETA - maybe I would bring it up about the card. That is rather rude. Its $2.50 - I know a BM of mine said that she feels being in the bridal party is an expense and is taken out of the gift, but I can't see her skipping the card.
BlondeJD
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Posted by Ronkonkomonga
Oh boy - I would never say anything in this situation. If I knew she could afford it, and didn't even give a card I would bring it up. But there is something about saying it to a person that doesn't have it that may be slightly inappropriate. IMO
The no card part is weird - but if you are dropping hints, and she isn't biting then I would let it go.
I would send her a TY card anyway, but don't mention anything . Really what could she say to you?
Thanks for the advice! I will definitely send her a thank you card either way. I think I feel most offended because she didn't say anything about it and we're usually really open with each other, you know? Honestly, that's really what bothers me. I definitely would've at least appreciated a card, but I agree - -the fact that she isn't biting makes me think it's a money issue. Definitely a senstive topic, so I guess it's best to just let it go. Thanks again
sparklehorse
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Hi, I'm somewhat new to LIWeddings and I just came across this. I totally understand the way you feel and you are right to feel slighted. However, I was thinking that you never know what's going on in someone elses mind. Maybe your friend is too embarassed to talk about her finances, and is waiting to get a job before giving you a gift. She should have given you a card, but maybe you can give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she is saving up for something special for you. Also, I've heard that it's okay to give the married couple a gift within a year of their wedding, and while I do not think this is appropriate, other people do. Try to have an open mind and give it some time. Also, if you bring it up to her now it might taint the great time you had with your friend before and during the wedding. Time heals wounds and you may want to revisit this in 2 to 6 months from now. Telling your friend about your disappointment will probably not make you feel any better, and may make you feel worse. In the meantime, take a deep breath and put this behind you and just enjoy your memories. This is only one opinion and I hope some other people give their thoughts.
Ronkonkomonga
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Sure Jennie, anytime!
I see what you mean about the card though. That is weird. I edited my note. I think she could have gotten you a card at the very least.... I mean c'mon - you took the time to color coordiate the potato chips and the m&m's... she can't give you a card for the effort at least. Oooh - now I'm kind of annoyed at her
sparklehorse
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Yep, I agree she should have gotten you a card and it's lame that she didn't. But I would be the better person and send her a thank you and take another deep breath and just move on. I think you'll only make yourself more upset if you confront her. Try to put it behind you. I know that's difficult, but think of what will happen if you bring it up... maybe you'll get in a big fight and then it will tarnish some good memories. Enjoy being a newlywed! p.s. I'd like to see some wedding photos.
AJsMommy122
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Honestly me personally I would have to say something.. not about the gift but the lack of card. I would tell her you were looking forward to making a scrapbook or putting together all of the cards you got for the wedding and can't find her card .. maybe say you were afraid it was lost and see what she says (??)
jennandrob
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
I agree with Maxine. I would mention that exact same thing about wanting to save all the cards in some capacity and couldn't find hers. Say something like 'i hope we didn't misplace it with all the wedding day craziness' Maybe that would work?
Tough situation, without a doubt.
Sweetpea130000
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
I was just thinking the same thing about maybe it was misplaced.
I agree with Maxine and Jenn about how to handle it, say you are saving all the cards and can't find hers.
brooklynbridezilla
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Posted by AJsMommy122
Honestly me personally I would have to say something.. not about the gift but the lack of card. I would tell her you were looking forward to making a scrapbook or putting together all of the cards you got for the wedding and can't find her card .. maybe say you were afraid it was lost and see what she says (??)
I think thats a GREAT way to bring it up! I'd be disappointed not to get a card too.
melissaandsean
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Posted by AJsMommy122
Honestly me personally I would have to say something.. not about the gift but the lack of card. I would tell her you were looking forward to making a scrapbook or putting together all of the cards you got for the wedding and can't find her card .. maybe say you were afraid it was lost and see what she says (??)
If I were 'the friend' in this situation, I would feel a bit upset. (I'm just trying to see it from the other side...like if my friend came to me and said this) Like I was being put on the spot. I know that might not be the intention. But isn't there a certain amount of time that is still acceptable for giving a wedding gift? To me, this would almost be like fishing to find out if I planned on giving a gift ever.
IMO, I would let it go. She's your friend. She was there for you the day of the wedding. No gift $ucks. No cards $ucks more.
We don't know her situation and what she might be thinking is an 'acceptable timeframe to give a gift'. Like for me, if I were to give a card, I would have to give a gift. If I didn't have the money to give, I'd hold off on the card - not because I didn't care. But to give an empty card, for ME, would mean that there would be no gift later on. Just the card, does that make sense?
This is such a hard situation. I'm sorry you have to deal with it.
Mrs. dleeny
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
I'm a straight forward person as well.
I would say something like 'you know, I think your card must have gone missing, because I have looked high & low and can't find it'.
then see what she says.
lilacwine
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Has your friend been involved in wedding parties before? Maybe she simply doesn't know what's expected of her.
If she isn't working and she spent $$$ on her dress, shower gift, bachelorette party, etc., I say be happy that she was there for you as your MOH and as your friend and leave it at that.
Are you willing to put a rift in your friendship over this?
103005FallBride
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Posted by dleeny
I'm a straight forward person as well.
I would say something like 'you know, I think your card must have gone missing, because I have looked high & low and can't find it'.
then see what she says.
ooo...that's good! Once again...I agree with D!
hocus
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Personally I would let it go. Don't sent her a 'thank you' note -- she hasn't given you anything and it is really bordering on rude for you to remind her of that. You can write her a general note thanking her for her help and support as a brides maid.
FYI -- a few people in our bridal party didn't give us gifts. I was a bit surprised -- but it really doesn't matter. I think some of them might give us gifts later -- when they have more money, some might not. Not a big deal either way.
I expect that she can't afford it (especially given all the other expenses associated with being in a wedding party). Even though she has always been open, maybe this is different. She might also feel that she should give you anything since she was a bridesmaid.
Blu-ize
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Posted by dleeny
I'm a straight forward person as well.
I would say something like 'you know, I think your card must have gone missing, because I have looked high & low and can't find it'.
then see what she says.
While I agree with this I think that you should address it head on if you address it at all. Get it out in the open. Don't play games.
DAVALJO2
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Honestly i wouldn't say anything. Maybe she feels a little embarrass, and hope that you'll just forget about it. She probably thinks that u don't even remember.
charityhope
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
I wouldn't ask her where the card is, because it will be perceived as asking where the gift is. In wedding speak, most people equate 'cards' and 'envelopes' with monetary gifts. No matter how you phrase it, the bottom line assumption will be that you are fishing for a check. It will be a very awkward conversation, especially if money is tight for her.
I totally understand your position though. We had a similar situation with someone in our bridal party and one of our ceremony readers, both of whom are very close to us. I dropped a hint about the fact that we were swamped with thank you note writing, and one said, 'I didn't give you my gift yet, did I?' It still hasn't materialized yet, and it's been over four months since our wedding.
To me, it's not the money or covering the plate, it's the sentiment. I would have been happy if they gave us a card and a $5 frame they bought at CVS-- I didn't want/need/expect anything extravagant. It's upsetting, but I'm trying to let it go. My mother said I should still send them thank you notes, but I feel like I already did that when I gave them cards and gifts for participating in our wedding.
Someone said earlier in the thread that she may not have given a card, b/c she is planning on giving you a present and didn't want you to think that the card was the only thing she was giving. I think this is a definite possibility. I hope that everything works itself out!
tjs
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
I really dont think I would say anything. If she didnt say anything to you in the first place because she felt embarassed or ashamed imagine how asking her about it would make her feel. Good luck!
amyandbill
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Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Honestly, I would say something. I got married two weeks ago and 4 of my husbands close friends, one of which was a groomsman did not give us a card or gift. I am worried that we lost these cards...they are not cheap people and we are both shocked that they did not give us a gift or card. I know saying something is often frowned upon on this board but all you have to say is, 'I do not want to seem rude but I just want to make sure that I didn't lose your card, please do not feel obligated to give me anything, it was an honor to have you participate in my wedding.' Good Luck!
