Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Original post by BlondeJD
So, here's the situation and keep in mind that I'm really not a gift-centric girl, but I think this is a little weird. My wedding was just over 2 months ago and my MOH, who I speak to on a very regular basis, has not gotten us a gift or a card. She also hasn't mentioned anything about it, even just to say that she's waiting til she finds a job (she is just out of grad school and looking for a job) so she can get us something.
She's usually a very open person, even about finances, and she knows me to be really understanding. I'd offered to help her out with paying for her BM dress if she needed it, for example. I'd mentioned in a few emails other gifts that people got us, in case she 'forgot' or something (I know it sounds silly) or even to give her a chance to say 'I know I haven't gotten you guys a gift yet, but I'm waiting to get a job' or 'I bought you a gift and will give it to you when I see you.'
I'm a pretty straight-forward person and usually I'm fine asking people about things, but you can't really be like 'hey, where's my gift?' And, honestly, it's not about getting $$ or a gift as much as I just think it's *weird* that we didn't even get a card from her. How would you all handle this situation? If you'd suggest mentioning it to her out-right, what would you say? I'm really thinking that maybe it's that she can't afford something nice and she's too ashamed to admit it? I mean, when I mention emails about other people's gifts (not throwing it in her face, just saying 'Oh, I saw X today and was able to pick up the gift she got us. ___ was really great and I can't wait to use it at the new apartment.') she doesn't even comment on it.
Sorry this is so long, it's just been weighing on my mind a bit
Jackie&Justin
Posted:
Member since
Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Maybe since she had to pay for everything such as dress, shoes, party, ect. she didn't think she had to get you something, or just couldn't afford it....I am my friend moh, and I really don't know how I am gonna get her anything with my wedding just a few months after hers....I wouldn't hold it against her....
WedHead
Posted:
Member since
Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Posted by Jackie&Justin
Maybe since she had to pay for everything such as dress, shoes, party, ect. she didn't think she had to get you something, or just couldn't afford it....I am my friend moh, and I really don't know how I am gonna get her anything with my wedding just a few months after hers....I wouldn't hold it against her....
Not to go away from the original post, but for this situation, if you can't afford to give your friend a gift, and your wedding is around the corner, I would just talk to her in advance and see if you can mutually decide to call it even - no gifts for either. With weddings so close, you'll probably end up giving the same amount to each other anyway.
lrs2005
Posted:
Member since
Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Jenn, While I know this is not the answer you really want to hear, I would not even mention the card saving thing to your friend and I would drop mentioning the other gifts from your other friends. She probably feels really badly for not being able to give you any thing, but if she has not 'bitten the bait' then she knows she did not give you anything, that she should have said something, but did not, and now she probably finds it embarrassing. Her silence in this case speaks volumes. I am sorry that your friend did not get you a card but she may have found that option sad without a present since she would have had to own up to the fact that she had no money. Her not giving you a card, is a sadder, albeit easier way out. L
beautyq115
Posted:
Member since
Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
Posted by AJsMommy122
Honestly me personally I would have to say something.. not about the gift but the lack of card. I would tell her you were looking forward to making a scrapbook or putting together all of the cards you got for the wedding and can't find her card .. maybe say you were afraid it was lost and see what she says (??)
I think I would take this route too
randella
Posted:
Member since
Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
I was in a similar sitch to your MOH-- I was out of work for a very long time (10 months) and during that period I was MOH for my friend.. I gave them a gift and a card on their 1 year anniversary.. I couldn't afford it otherwise, earlier, etc.
She literally said something to me like a day after I mailed the card/check-- I really didn't think anything of not giving a card as I really only thought about it as something to put a check into. Anyway- everyone is different- I would not have minded not getting a card from someone-- but, now I get my friend a card for everything!
I mean- she was your MOH, she probably gave a speech at your RD or the wedding, she supported you that day, etc. You know that she cares you got married.. but that's just my humble opinion.
SFP0214
Posted:
Member since
Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
DH's twin sister did the EXACT same thing. I haven't brought it up and neither will he. We are just letting it go and saying in the thank you 'thank you coming to share in a such a special day'
The worst part is that she complains to people about the gift DH gave her at her wedding (in the south they give gifts and not $$) He got her the pillows she registered for. I think it totalled $200. She didn't realized that they were 50$ pillows and complains about it till this day!! Umm yeah hun you never even gave us anything..
But back to your topic. Honestly I would get ignore it. She could really be embarrassed. I agree not getting a card ***** but maybe she planned on sending one like a week later and her finances got worse? I know she is usually open with you about finances but it is a totally different situation when she is 'stiffing' you on a gift... you know. i would just forget it. She is not commenting about other people's gifts so she may already know you are hinting at hers.. TOUGH situation..
frosty
Posted:
Member since
Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
This may not be a popular response, but I wouldn't say anything.
The fact that she was part of your wedding, paid for her dress when she wasn't working, helped you out during the planning and the wedding day, to me, would be enough. I wouldn't expect a gift considering she might be in a difficult financial state.
And I WOULD send her a thank you card. She was an important part of your day and I think it would be rude not to at least thank her for that. You don't have to mention a lack of a gift. She did a lot for you that was not monetarily or gift-based, and you should at least acknowledge that.
lindz
Posted:
Member since
Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
My MOH didn't get us a gift or a card. She was moving out of state the next day and buying a new home. She felt bad and said she was a horrible friend and that she was very busy with moving, etc and would send something when she got settled.
I still haven't gotten anything but I would feel bad saying something because the truth of the matter is, she did do a lot for me while I was planning the wedding and her presence meant more to me than a gift. It would have been nice to at least get a card though...
Marisa M
Posted:
Member since
Re: Tough Question - not sure what to do and need help
DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ......No matter HOW close you are to her, no matter how 'straightforward' you may be. She will be embarassed, and you will be embarassed !! Send her a thank you - Thank her for being such a huge part of your wedding, for helping you out etc etc. - If she DID give a gift and you misplaced it, or it got lost .......she'll ask you when she realizes you're not thanking her for her 'gift'...... Some people (myself included) would NEVER show up and not give a gift. -I don't show up to someone's house to watch TV empty handed......but others do not think that way (ie: My SIL did not give us a gift or a card - and she was a BM) I had a few people who did not give us a gift......but what are you supposed to say ? 'Hey, did you forget my gift?' Just let it go ........
