Ultimatums

Did anyone ever give their bf (now FH) or ex-bf
an ultimatum - (obviously after dating for a long time ---
make up your mind - either we're getting engaged or buhbye???

Just wondering - I have a couple of friends who have been with their bf's for a while & things are going nowhere.

YIKES!! Nooo that's never a good idea.

But I HAVE stated my plans for the future....such as: I plan to have children and if you don't then we need to part ways. But I think that's a really important thing to discuss before you commit your life to someone.

The bad thing is if you expected outcome isnt what you get. Its never a good idea unless you know its has to come to that for you. Timing is everything.
Ialmost did it and I know if I did I would have lost him cause he wasnt ready for marriage then, 3 mo later he was

i'm not a fan of ultimatums. I don't think you should have to say 'if you don't do this....i'm out'. That's a lot of pressure, so i think that maybe things can be done for the wrong reasons...or not done for the wrong reasons. I know someone who is heading towards this situation and it's sad. I think it's more or less forcing someone to do something they don't naturally want to do on there own. 2 cents deposited

I gave FH the '**** or get off the pot' speach several times. there was nothing for me to lose because I don't believe in meaningless relationships so if he left and said I'm not ready...at least i'd know he wasn't the one for me.

ETA: I had been with him 7 years before he proposed sooooo it may be a lil different for me...I think after 7 yrs '**** or get off the pot' speech is deffinately warranted

(crasher)..i was with DH for 4 1/2 years before he proposed..and we lived together for much of that time.....some people said I should give him the 'ultimatum'...but my theory was...HE was the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with....how would threatening him help me?

If anything...i could've lost the best thing that ever happened to me...now granted there were times i'd get frustrated...but I knew it would eventually happen as we had discussed marriage...and he made up for all the waiting with his incredible proposal, and to be quite honest...i laugh now as a married woman thinking...what was the big rush? i don't think they are a good idea...and would you really want someone to marry you because you threatened them? JMO!

I was with FH for 4.5 years before he proposed. I didn't pressure him at all and was in no rush, we're still young. I think we both knew it would happen eventually, and we talked about our future, which was all I really needed.

It probably would have come up again when I was interviewing for jobs (I'm a law student) since his family lives in one state (where we live now) and my family is all back in NY. We still haven't decided where we will end up. but we know it will be together

no...but i have said...if you dont figure out what you want...i dont know if ill wait around forever.....not meaning it had to be right away but because of our age difference i was worried cause i always wanted to be a young mom....i dont want him to be too old to enjoy and play with his children
i see how his parents are and were and they had him at an older age and i didnt want him to end up being how they were

I actually gave my fh a little one. I told him that I had wanted a ring before my next birthday and he actually listened. He was 7 days ealry, lol.. I am actually a teacher and he said that he wanted to do it right before I went back ti school so I had something to show off.

SO I am not sure if the ultimatium worked or if that is actually the time he had planned.

i didnt give an ultimatum so much as wanted a promise on his part. before FH and I moved in together i wanted him to assure me it wasnt going to be an open ended arrangement and that in the next few years we'd be getting married. little did i know 4 months later he proposed

---

Posted by Soon2beAlberti

I gave FH the '**** or get off the pot' speach several times. there was nothing for me to lose because I don't believe in meaningless relationships so if he left and said I'm not ready...at least i'd know he wasn't the one for me.

ETA: I had been with him 7 years before he proposed sooooo it may be a lil different for me...I think after 7 yrs '**** or get off the pot' speech is deffinately warranted

---

def agree - one girl has been wtih the guy for 8 years - they've been living together for 5 years - and its like ok.................... what is going on?

JMO

---

Posted by lwny427

No Way!!!! I would not want to marry someone if that was not what they really wanted too. Ultimatums, IMO, are not the way to start a happy life together. I'm happy FH chose to ask me to marry him rather than him marrying me because I told him he has to.

---

i def agree with you
im happy that mine did it when it was right for me !
i would hate to be engaged 'out of pity'
and then i think those couples dont make it to the altar anyway

JMO

---

Posted by debismom

I appreciate this post, because Deb's Sis, has been with her boyfriend three yrs., and no proposal. And most recently, he's been dragging his feet about going to weddings, including my niece, HIS BROTHER, and most recently, Debi's wedding. Donna finally asked him, 'what's the deal, you weren't interested in any of these weddings, do you have something against weddings?' He claims he doesn't. Donna then told him, ' Sometimes you just have to go to these things, because you love the person, ie., her!!' To be sure, when I heard this, it doesn't exactly make me thrilled that he could be a FSIL!!!! I believe he definitely should not marry, unless he's ready, but I think he should be a big boy, and love Donna enough, to attend these special family events. He did agree to go to Debi's wedding, and he was in his Brother's wedding. But it doesn't exactly say, 'I love Donna,' when he acts this way. Mary MOB

---

Oh Mary, that s*cks! I hope everything works out, some boys just need to grow up & grow a set of you know what (as my mom always says) and make a manly decision!
I was with my x for 4 years and finally i was like CIAO i cant take this crap and empty promises anymore & boy am I glad I did!
Sometimes you just know when enough is enough.

---

Posted by gabbie83

---

Posted by debismom

I appreciate this post, because Deb's Sis, has been with her boyfriend three yrs., and no proposal. And most recently, he's been dragging his feet about going to weddings, including my niece, HIS BROTHER, and most recently, Debi's wedding. Donna finally asked him, 'what's the deal, you weren't interested in any of these weddings, do you have something against weddings?' He claims he doesn't. Donna then told him, ' Sometimes you just have to go to these things, because you love the person, ie., her!!' To be sure, when I heard this, it doesn't exactly make me thrilled that he could be a FSIL!!!! I believe he definitely should not marry, unless he's ready, but I think he should be a big boy, and love Donna enough, to attend these special family events. He did agree to go to Debi's wedding, and he was in his Brother's wedding. But it doesn't exactly say, 'I love Donna,' when he acts this way. Mary MOB

---

Oh Mary, that s*cks! I hope everything works out, some boys just need to grow up & grow a set of you know what (as my mom always says) and make a manly decision!
I was with my x for 4 years and finally i was like CIAO i cant take this crap and empty promises anymore & boy am I glad I did!
Sometimes you just know when enough is enough.

---

Indeed!!!! I'm not sure when he moved in, but the purpose of moving in was to save $ for a house, ie., pool their resources. Then, his parents, and Donna and her boyfriend, thought they should not buy a house together until they married. Meanwhile, Donna is getting tired of waiting for her house, nor does she want a shotgun proposal, and it seems he just has his feet dug in to never propose; He's just comfy with how things are. His aversion to weddings, doesn't speak well for his proposal intentions!!! Mary MOB

PS His Mom interrogated ( not sure of choice of words there) him about his intentions to marry Donna. She told him she really wants to be a Grandmother to our Grandson, but feels she cannot rightfully do this until they're married. I forget his reply, but it must not have been memorable, or I would have remembered it!