Upset!

I have a bit of a story to tell and need some advice.

My FH, well we have been together for over 3 yrs now and engaged for 7 mo.
He likes to go on the computer and chat with girls online that he doesn't even know. He talks to them as though he is single and flirts with them. He says that he likes to mess with there heads and finds it fun to see how far these girls would actually put themselves out.
I CAN'T STAND IT!!!!! But love him to death. We live together and are always together. He has never cheated on me in the 3 yrs but I am scared that he will in the future.
Other ppl I have told tell me that no matter who I might be with it is always a possibility that they might and you can't really stop it from happening if it is going to happen. They also tell me that he either needs to stop this or I just need to get over it and trust him like I have in the past.

The other thing is that he is going to be a lawyer soon and working tons of long hours. I am just really scared and not sure what to do.

I don't want to break up with him because things are good with us and maybe I am just crazy but I don't like this obsession of his and that is what I really think it is an obsession.

He tells me that it is only for fun and that he would never cheat on me cause it is against his morals.

ouch...this is a hard one...

first of all i dont think that I would ever be able to deal with ...thats why i'm kinda happy i dont have a computer in my apartment.

i think you have to think of it this way ...at least he lets you know what he is doing ...he is not hiding anything from you

maybe you should tell him really how much it bothers you and see where that gets you.

honestly there is no need for him to be talking to other women and flirting with them ...


HTH

He definitely needs to stop and you need to put your foot down NOW. It is immature, juvenile behavior and it is hurting you. You need to speak with him and tell him again, that you are uncomfortable with what he's doing. It's not fair to you and it will drive you insane. I hate to be so blunt but you need need need to tell him how it makes you feel. I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking about you...

He needs to stop this behavior. It can only lead to no good!

He sees it as casual flirting but it can get out of hand fast. These women can get info out of him, track him down and mess with him.

He doesn't realize that he is putting you and your future at risk. This is not harmless.

Wait until he starts working 15 hrs a day, he won't have the time to do it. You do need to put your foot down. You should not be told to get over it.

You may want to start talking to men online and flirting. Let's see how he likes it. I would tell him that's just what you will do on all those lonely nights he has to work.

Of course, you would never cheat! He needs a dose of his own medicine.

The way I see it... the only way you could move forward in the relationship is if he stops.
Let me just ask you a question (and please call me out if you think I'm being too harsh)... You say you trust him, but if you really trusted him, than why are you posting about this? Are you just convincing yourself that you trust him or do you really genuinly trust him?
FM if you want to talk and I'm sorry if I was too harsh....

Thanks girls. I know , this is a tough one.
But he is not that honest about it. I had to find out from other ppl that this stuff was going on.
This really sux and I have talk to him about it and he thinks I am being silly. I DONT THINK I AM. GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really hope deep down that he grows up a bit in the next two years or all my happy planning will go down the drain.
It is really tough when you love them the way we do!
Don't get me wrong this is the only grip I have about him. I am sure he has many more with me but not as big as this. lol

i am so sorry that you are going through this but he needs to stop this immediately - it is unnecessary and hurtful behavior! there is a HUGE difference btw trusting him ( which i am sure you do) and dangling a piece of meat in front of him. . .

for example i trust FH - but would i give him access to girls with no morals 24/7 NOPE! i mean anyone can be tempted. . .

i just think of how many marriages have been ruined by the internet - and its so easy ( 'oh your wife doesnt understand you like I do')

its one thing if your FH won't give up fantasy football for you or something silly - but to not give up talking to girls and flirting with them? i just dont think this is right and it obviously upsets you!

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Posted by KimAMalone

The way I see it... the only way you could move forward in the relationship is if he stops.
Let me just ask you a question (and please call me out if you think I'm being too harsh)... You say you trust him, but if you really trusted him, than why are you posting about this? Are you just convincing yourself that you trust him or do you really genuinly trust him?
FM if you want to talk and I'm sorry if I was too harsh....

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I guess there is a part of me that doesn't
I just wish I could gain that trust back cause like I said we are together all the time.
I think I am just scared of what it will be like when he is a lawyer and working all those long hours. I want to trust that he is really wokring...lol

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Posted by Dana Z to Be

This really sux and I have talk to him about it and he thinks I am being silly. I DONT THINK I AM. GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

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RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG. Trivializing your feelings, and it's going to lead to you thinking you're insane, and your self-esteem and self-confidence will PLUMMET!!!!!!!! Kick him in the @ss NOW. and HARD. You have a plethora (ode to 3 Amigos) of girls on here to talk with and lean on and vent to. Be strong. We all have your back.

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Posted by Dana Z to Be

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Posted by KimAMalone

The way I see it... the only way you could move forward in the relationship is if he stops.
Let me just ask you a question (and please call me out if you think I'm being too harsh)... You say you trust him, but if you really trusted him, than why are you posting about this? Are you just convincing yourself that you trust him or do you really genuinly trust him?
FM if you want to talk and I'm sorry if I was too harsh....

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I guess there is a part of me that doesn't
I just wish I could gain that trust back cause like I said we are together all the time.
I think I am just scared of what it will be like when he is a lawyer and working all those long hours. I want to trust that he is really wokring...lol

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I know Trust is such a huge thing in a relationship and he needs to not only understand where you're coming from but see it and feel it too. How would he feel if you were doing what he's doing and then going and 'working' 15 hr days?!
Not that you want to threaten him but he needs to get over this and gain YOUR trust back before you move forward with a marriage. It's a MARRIAGE... not an everyday, come-and-go as you please relationship. There's someone else's feelings for him to consider and right now, he's being really selfish.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this right now.

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Posted by kimnsteve

i'm sorry to say this ...but i think you have a problem....i know this is a bit immature but i would make a fake profile and talk to him and see what goes on

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Haha,... I did that once and he blew me off...lol
Go figure.

I know this is a problem. Like I said I am with him all the time but we have seperate laptop cuase when we moved in we never got a desktop and he uses his laptop for school and work, and I don't go on his laptop to check up on him. At one point I did and it just bothered me more.
His sis actually told me some of the sites he would go to.
He has been doing this for as long as I have known him. Why does it bother me so much know? Cause I know more about it?

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Posted by Dana Z to Be
Why does it bother me so much know? Cause I know more about it?

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Because he's betraying you. Truthfully... some people would call what he's doing cheating. Just because it's not physical doesn't mean he's not doing something wrong.

That's true...
We already had a HUGE fight about it last week and I just hope it got through to him in his head.
Who knows if I will ever know if it will stop. I can't check up on him anymore then what I have.
I just want to be able to trust him the way I used to and believe what he tells me.

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Posted by Dana Z to Be

That's true...
We already had a HUGE fight about it last week and I just hope it got through to him in his head.
Who knows if I will ever know if it will stop. I can't check up on him anymore then what I have.
I just want to be able to trust him the way I used to and believe what he tells me.

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That might take a while and a LOT of work on his part.
And you have to kind of come to the realization that you may never trust him and then you have a decision to make.

This will be very hard, I know, but thank you all for your input. I really appreciate it. Hopefully soon I will be able to trust him. It's just so hard when you mind is at war with your heart.

Thanks ladies!

I know what you mean... Im sure we all do. Hopefully things will work out the way you want them to. And always know that you can come here to vent! We're always at the ready with !
Keep us posted

Will do... Thanks again everyone!

No good can come of this...you need to tell him enough and that it hurts your feelings and you want him to stop. I am so sorry you are going thru this. Good luck and if you need to talk just forum mail me.