Was there a discussion???? (UPDATED)

Between your parents and his parents about how the wedding will be paid for?? I know that these days the bride and groom tend to pay a lot more (or the whole thing)....but in some families both parents contribute as well.

I ask because there is a HUGE debate over if this 'discussion' is appropriate. FH thinks that it is not appropriate to talk about money and I think, while that may be true in most cases, that this is a special situation. FIL's have not discussed if they are helping with the wedding at all. I think that they should have at least mentioned something to FH. I am not saying that they have to contribute, but I think it is important for us TO KNOW so that we are not floating around in limbo and we cant make a budget.

Also, my mom scheduled a lunch date with his mom and she mentioned that she would like to talk about 'how everyone is going to contibute' to her when they shcedule the lunch. FH tells me last night that his mother is offended that my mother asked. NOW WHAT??? This is causing a HUGE strained on me and FH. Its TOO SOON for this tension!!!

Sorry...had to vent

Your thoughts???


OK--So talked to FH and he is sticking to the 'dont talk about money thing'. SO, I talked to my mom and asked her to please not mention money when she goes to lunch with FMIL tomorrow. She responds with 'well, I'm just gonna cancel now because that was the purpose of the meeting'. I am like 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME??'...Just go to lunch and be an adult about it. I told her that I dont understand where she is coming from because it was our understanding from the beginning that they were not helping us pay for the wedding. I dont know if my mom thought that she was going to use her magic powers and change FMIL's mind, but like I said, maybe she needed to hear it right from her. SOOO--now I dont even know if she is going to cancel the lunch because she got all pissed off and just sat and watched tv--then 10 minutes later she changed the subject and went to bed. And to TOP IT ALL OFF, the 4 of us are supposed to be going to Giorgios for the Expo tomorrow night. SHOULD BE A GREAT TIME!!! (Someone stangle me PALEASE ). So thats the most recent update.

First of all, I am so sorry that this is happening! But it is better to have it all out in the open sooner rather than later. I agree that money is a touchy situation. However, you are right when you said that these are special cirumstances. It is important for you and your FI to know what kind of help you'll have (if any) so that you can plan accordingly.

FI and I never approached either family about money, as we both knew that we would be paying for it ourselves.

No there never was - My FH and I spoke before we got engaged and we knew that my parents were going to take care of our wedding and anything that his parents did for us was just bonus

I could see that being not the easiest thing to talk about ...I wish you luck

There was never a discussion between all of us together... There was a discussion between FH, me and FIL's randomly when the 4 of us were hanging out talking in his kitchen one day, his parents mentioned we are giving you this much towards the wedding, and so on.

There was a seperate discussion between FH, me and my parents which we planned to discuss because of our situation (we are having 2 weddings)....

While I think both sets of parents know what each is contributing to our weddings, it was never discussed among the 6 of us just between the particular set of parents and us...

It just $ucks because we already know that they are not going to contribute to the wedding (but rumor has it that they are giving us a 'generous' gift).

The problem is that my parents are paying for the hall and they would like to establish a set amount of people that will be invited according to their finances (plus the amount we guaranteed and who WE want there). In addition, my mom wants to know what his parents are helping us with (which is nothing....we know that already). I guess my mom needs to hear it right from them because we NEVER got a 'NO' or a 'YES' from his parents...just the IDEA that they were not helping.

I am just SO frustrated because now my mom and his mom are going to lunch tomorrow and I know that its going to get blown WAY out of proportion and his mom is going to end up getting OFFENDED while my mom is going to be PISSED!!! ERRGGG!!!

I WANT TO ELOPE!!

no discussion here either... FIL's said they may help... but never gave a dollar amount... why dont you just have FH ask his parents if they are going to help or not and just say it would be helpful to know... i think that is how i would do it, because it dosnt put any awkardness on anyone else since it is their own son asking... does that make sense?


I think if i was a mother i'd rather my own child ask me for money then my kid's future in laws... it would put me less on the spot and be easier to answer...

---

Posted by cjb88

no discussion here either... FIL's said they may help... but never gave a dollar amount... why dont you just have FH ask his parents if they are going to help or not and just say it would be helpful to know... i think that is how i would do it, because it dosnt put any awkardness on anyone else since it is their own son asking... does that make sense?


I think if i was a mother i'd rather my own child ask me for money then my kid's future in laws... it would put me less on the spot and be easier to answer...

---

FH tried that, in so many words. He knows that his parents DONT talk about money. So, he dropped hints when discussing the wedding and having to pay for vendors and such. Their response was 'well, you better start saving'. This is why we think that they are not contributing

---

Posted by MrsStefan

---

Posted by cjb88

no discussion here either... FIL's said they may help... but never gave a dollar amount... why dont you just have FH ask his parents if they are going to help or not and just say it would be helpful to know... i think that is how i would do it, because it dosnt put any awkardness on anyone else since it is their own son asking... does that make sense?


I think if i was a mother i'd rather my own child ask me for money then my kid's future in laws... it would put me less on the spot and be easier to answer...

---

FH tried that, in so many words. He knows that his parents DONT talk about money. So, he dropped hints when discussing the wedding and having to pay for vendors and such. Their response was 'well, you better start saving'. This is why we think that they are not contributing

---

then maybe assume they are not, and be plesantly suprised if they do end up giving money... maybe you should explain this to your mom so that things do go crazy tomorrow at lunch... and she can just explain to your FMIL about how many people they can invite... and not even attempt to ask if they are contributing or not...

I asked my parents what they could contribute, and FI asked his parents what they wanted to contribute.

I made my budget after that.

If your parents are going to contribute it's recommended that there be a meeting with all of you to discuss how much and for what everyone will be contributing.

We're paying for it ourselves so we never had this meeting. Unless someone has offered to front the bill for something we know it's up to us to pay for it.

Unfortunately money can bring out the worst in people. So sorry this has caused added stress in your life during what's supposed to be a happy time. That's why most couples today opt to just do it themselves!

No Way! I don't trust my parents and his parents in the same room talking about $$$!.

I discussed with my parents what they feel they would like to contribute. FH did the same with his parents. It worked out well so far! We didn't tell either parents what they should or shouldn't contribute - but instead asked if/what they would like to contribute (if anything).

Good luck!

There will never be a discussion. My parents have already told us what they are paying for, which is a big part of the wedding. His parents aren't paying for anything. But in their defense, FI won't ask. He doesn't feel it's their responsibility to pay for anything.

Whatever my parents aren't covering (Photography, Video, Flowers, Rings, and Limos) we are paying for.

Most of the time I don't care that they aren't giving us anything, but some days it bothers me. I guess because we're trying to buy a house and pay for all that at the same time.

I am always AMAZED by couples who pay for it all. I know we could never do it w/o the help of my parents.

I guess i'm the minority here, but our parents discussed it as soon as we got engaged... well our mom's did most of the communicating. We are so thankful to have them!

We never had a formal discussion either. FH and I decided what we feel an average budget is, spoke to our respective parents, and everyone agreed to split that in three. FH and I will pay the difference!

Good luck...it is not easy discussing how much money we are spending for one day! Yikes!!