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Weddings not happeniing? UPDATE NEAR BOTTOM

Original post by confused06

I'm a regular 06 poster on here and FH & I have been fighting on/off almost every 2 weeks for the past few months. It always starts the same & I know so much is stress about the wedding and stress about the money and stress because it is coming soon, but here's the deal. It's 2am & I can't sleep and I just want to cry.

FH is NOT the most emotional guy. He's on the cold side & not one to share his feelings and not very romantic (cards, flowers, expressing his emotions), but he'll show things in another way. Yet I am very emotional and at times when we have a busy week & dont get 2 see eo I'll send email/notes to him like i feel so alone, we need to talk. b/c he is busy w/ work/other commitments, he'll blow it off or not realize how serious I am. he is always saying how over-emotional i am & what a drama queen.

well then it hits the fan. I thought we'd spend a nice weekend together but fri he went w/ friends to parade in city & came home exhausted, Sat was supposed to spend time together but he was running errands for his job and we did have dinner then went to his friends' house for drinks/cake (fine, but WE didnt' talk). Yesterday was supposed to goto church & breakfast together but he woke up & got the laundry & said 'I have 3 bags of laundry' so i went 2 church alone & was even more angry when he said he was going to his parents from thre (instead of cleaning apt & talking--yet again).

just feel so disconnected. well then i was mad & saw his glasses on the table so i hid them (he had his prescrpition sunglasses on i guess)& went shopping. he called asking where they were, i ignored his calls. his calls got mean & I finally told him where they were. an hour later i went home to find my monogrammed cake topper that i spent hours on, smashed into 10 pieces along w/ a glass candle.I was beyond devasted. i spent HOURS on the cake topper & was so proud of it & really loved it

things got mean at that point & I called accusing him of loving his job more than me & asking if there was someone else ( know there isn't) & asked why everything else is more impt than me.

long story short....by end of last nite he said he can't 'do THIS' anymore & we shouldn't get married & things will only escalate from here. I can't sleep, he says we'll talk tomorrow about returning deposits/money/who gets apt, but he cannot see us getting married.

I'm devastated and can understand his frustration but feel 90% is due to stress & also that he doesn't read my signals....all i need is love and to feel special from him & when I don't have the chance to talk talk w/ him for a week, I feel myself getting yucky inside & the bad things happen.i told him this, but he says i pushed him too far.

the flip side of me says I dont need a guy that doesn't listen & doesn't tell me how special i am or do the sweet things. also if we have kids, he has to learn to control his temper & cant be smashing everything in his site Also more than anything the cake monogram has me seriously devastated (he has not even acknowledged this at all---he just said 'I told you to give me my glasses back).

i do love him & i can see us married but so much of this is due to stress & money & we're forgetting the impt stuff. i know he does love me but he gets caught up in work & enjoys what he does.

Not sure what i am asking for, just hugs/advice too....what would you do? Sorry so long.

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SIBride06 Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

OMG god sweetheart.. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I wish I knew what to say to make things better.
sarahradio5 Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Posted by MysteryGroom

This sounds like another faker!!!!


I don't think so. I think maybe she signed on under another name so she can anonymously state her true feelings and situation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have to say... I don't think he's ready at this point for marriage. He seems very immature when it comes to relationships. You're trying more than he is. You're both getting to the point where you do immature things out of frustration.. you hiding his glasses. Him breaking the monogrammed cake topper. Those things don't help ANYTHING. I think postponing the wedding, as HARD as that is, is the best thing. In fact, I think you guys may need a break from each other. When my FH and I went through bad times, we 'broke up'. I was still there for him during that time when he got in an accident and was out of work for 3 months, but we weren't 'together, together'. All of a sudden, a light bulb went off in his head, and he realized what he had in me. He called me one day and said he wanted to meet and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and apologized for everything. (that still wasn't the official proposal... the ring came 5months later after I saw how he re-committed himself to me and enjoyed our relationship). It has been AMAZING. He's not an overly emotional or romantic guy on a daily basis, but he definitely has his moments! The reason I'm saying this is because I learned you can't force a guy into being committed to a relationship. The bad times with us were filled with my trying to do that. That just made it worse. Give him space... let him see what he has in you. Try to be the bigger person here. Don't hide things on him. Suggest the postponement maturely. Say you love him, but you think this is best. And then give it REAL time. I'm sorry you're going through this now, but it's better than after the marriage and kids. Let him mature and grow a little, and then you'll see if it's meant to be. I learned that both people in a couple have to be 100% emotionally happy and complete in order to be in a healthy relationship. He may not be to that point yet. Maybe, in time, he'll realize...

Good luck.
smara Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I am so sorry you guys are going through this. Follow your heart and it will all work out for the best, even if it doesn't seem like it at this particular moment.

FM me if you need support.
kittythestray Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I'm so sorry this is happening but it IS good that you're dealing with it NOW and not just going ahead with the wedding and having children and THEN having these issues. I know I always say this, but people don't really change. I was with a very emotionally closed off man for 6 years who was a bit of a workaholic, and I loved him and it was so hard when we broke up, but I realized I need a man who is more affectionate and likes to talk and doesn't hide at his job. My FH now is very affectionate and talks to me and we communicate well. Sometimes two people don't really 'fit' and they stay together just because they don't realize that it can be so much better if you find a person more in line with your personality.Now that I have a man like my FH I think to myslef 'How did I live like that (with my ex)' and I really think it's because I didn't know any better. I don't mean to say you should give up, but one of you need to make a real commitment to change. It's easy to say 'go to counciling' but if he doens't see that he needs to change it's just going to waste time and money. It's really hard for people to change, they need to really want to and commit to it and YOU can't change him, he'll have to change because HE wants to. I have 2 friends that said 'Oh, I know he'll change once we get married.' Well, they didn't and now they're both dealing with those consequenses. Or, you need to change and not have affection and communication that you crave, which sounds bad, right?? But that's how your FH migh see it 'Why should I change?? SHE'S the one with a problem...' Anyway, I wish you luck!! FM me if you want!
hbradio Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I dont have any advice but I hope it all turns out the way you want it to.
ali120206 Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I'm sorry

MrsWmson2be Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I say tell him you agree with him. Then, cut contact with him and give him a taste of what it feels like to be cold-shouldered. See if he changes how he acts toward you when he's on the receiving end of a could-care-less attitude.

Maybe he will wake up and maybe he won't, but if he doesn't, do you think that's someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with anyway?
Summer101 Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Posted by sarahradio5

Posted by MysteryGroom

This sounds like another faker!!!!


I don't think so. I think maybe she signed on under another name so she can anonymously state her true feelings and situation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have to say... I don't think he's ready at this point for marriage. He seems very immature when it comes to relationships. You're trying more than he is. You're both getting to the point where you do immature things out of frustration.. you hiding his glasses. Him breaking the monogrammed cake topper. Those things don't help ANYTHING. I think postponing the wedding, as HARD as that is, is the best thing. In fact, I think you guys may need a break from each other. When my FH and I went through bad times, we 'broke up'. I was still there for him during that time when he got in an accident and was out of work for 3 months, but we weren't 'together, together'. All of a sudden, a light bulb went off in his head, and he realized what he had in me. He called me one day and said he wanted to meet and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and apologized for everything. (that still wasn't the official proposal... the ring came 5months later after I saw how he re-committed himself to me and enjoyed our relationship). It has been AMAZING. He's not an overly emotional or romantic guy on a daily basis, but he definitely has his moments! The reason I'm saying this is because I learned you can't force a guy into being committed to a relationship. The bad times with us were filled with my trying to do that. That just made it worse. Give him space... let him see what he has in you. Try to be the bigger person here. Don't hide things on him. Suggest the postponement maturely. Say you love him, but you think this is best. And then give it REAL time. I'm sorry you're going through this now, but it's better than after the marriage and kids. Let him mature and grow a little, and then you'll see if it's meant to be. I learned that both people in a couple have to be 100% emotionally happy and complete in order to be in a healthy relationship. He may not be to that point yet. Maybe, in time, he'll realize...

Good luck.


Good Advice!! I agree!! I am so sorry you are going through this!!
PrincessRose Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

First of all, .

I think you guys, if anything, need to work on communication. He's not 'picking up on your signals'. Why are you giving him signals, instead of saying, 'I need this from you'? Furthermore, I'm put off by the fact that you hid his glasses. That's not okay. If you were mad that he wasn't giving you the attention you needed, then tell him that you're in need of attention in no uncertain words. Plain English. 'I'm hurt because I'm not getting enough of your attention.'

I'm also disturbed by his choice to break things in anger. What did he think that was going to accomplish?

I know things will work out for the best.
Reesa Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

LaurenluvsTJ Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Posted by PrincessRose

First of all, .

I think you guys, if anything, need to work on communication. He's not 'picking up on your signals'. Why are you giving him signals, instead of saying, 'I need this from you'? Furthermore, I'm put off by the fact that you hid his glasses. That's not okay. If you were mad that he wasn't giving you the attention you needed, then tell him that you're in need of attention in no uncertain words. Plain English. 'I'm hurt because I'm not getting enough of your attention.'

I'm also disturbed by his choice to break things in anger. What did he think that was going to accomplish?

I know things will work out for the best.


You took the words right out of my mouth. Those are the exact same things I was thinking when I read this post.
I agree with the other posters as well - it would probably be a good idea to postpone the wedding and seek counseling. You don't want to get married and have these issues continue to get worse. You need to figure out now if the problems are able to be worked out.
Vicky423 Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I'm so sorry to hear this, a lot of the ladies that have posted before me have said a lot of valuable things. I agree that it was perhaps a bit irrational to end everything out of anger. I mean all couples fight and argue, but its the fact that you learn from those arguments and try to improve so they don't happen again that make a relationship successful. It sounds to me that he can't be bothered with trying to make things better, its easier for him just to bail, and well I don't mean to add salt but do you really want to be married to someone like that? Going to counseling sounds like a good idea, but you both have to be willing to work things out. Maybe you guys could hold off on the wedding for awhile, if you do decide to stay together.
lipglossjunky73 Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Posted by MrsWmson2be

I say tell him you agree with him. Then, cut contact with him and give him a taste of what it feels like to be cold-shouldered. See if he changes how he acts toward you when he's on the receiving end of a could-care-less attitude.

Maybe he will wake up and maybe he won't, but if he doesn't, do you think that's someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with anyway?


don't play games - that is a horrible way to have a relationship - that is the opposite of communication - i agree with Princess Rose that English needs to be spoken, and no childishness will save a relationship - if you guys cannot speak to each other, this may not be meant to be, cut your losses, and move on - you will be so grateful that you did it although it may hurt now - trust me - I ended a relationship that was supposed to end in marriage because we had niowehere else to go - leaving was the best - and hardest - thing I ever did, but man am I ever happy I did it becuase I am who I should be with now!

Good luck - stay strong, and stay focused -you are #1 here!

MrsWmson2be Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

It works. It's not a game. I had the same situation to the point where I was truly fed up and walked. Sometimes, people don't realize they have a good thing until it's gone. Speaking 'openly' is good for when you're already IN a secure relationship. However, when you're with a man that wants out and just needs an excuse, speaking openly is misinterpreted as being 'whiney and needy' and will only make him feel more justified in pulling the plug. What he needs is to realize he has a great thing. See how his tune changes when he realizes you won't put up with his ambivalence. Watch your self esteem skyrocket too. Never stand around and allow someone to mistreat you. If you do, they'll be doing it to you for your whole life knowing you'll take it.

On a second note, I do agree that hiding his glasses was wrong. THAT'S playing games and a standard to which you needn't lower yourself.
Sunrise813 Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused



I think this sounds like more than cold feet, I think that you should think long and hard about what you want for your future, don't sell yourself short.
Best of luck. and we are all hear to listen if you need it.

Sunrise813 Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Posted by MrsWmson2be

It works. It's not a game. I had the same situation to the point where I was truly fed up and walked. Sometimes, people don't realize they have a good thing until it's gone. Speaking 'openly' is good for when you're already IN a secure relationship. However, when you're with a man that wants out and just needs an excuse, speaking openly is misinterpreted as being 'whiney and needy' and will only make him feel more justified in pulling the plug. What he needs is to realize he has a great thing. See how his tune changes when he realizes you won't put up with his ambivalence. Watch your self esteem skyrocket too. Never stand around and allow someone to mistreat you. If you do, they'll be doing it to you for your whole life knowing you'll take it.

On a second note, I do agree that hiding his glasses was wrong. THAT'S playing games and a standard to which you needn't lower yourself.


I really disagree with you, true love should never be this hard.

You should not have to play games. When you are with the right person there is too much love, respect and trust to ever play with each other like this.
ewickens Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this!! You already know that you two need to talk and communicate, so that is the first step, but I would suggest an intermediator - since you two do attend Church, maybe have the priest involved and talk with both of you. He can guide you on the right steps.

Maybe instead of cancelling the wedding, try the counseling and postponing the wedding until you know what is exactly right for the two of you. Right now, emotions are flying and accusations will be made that you will only regret later.

Good luck!!!
MrsWmson2be Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

That's fine to disagree with me. But I've been through it and there comes a time where you realize staying up all night, not eating, and wondering 'what if' aren't worth your emotional health. If he doesn't want to get married, back off. Twisting his arm to talk to him, constantly second-guessing your actions and trying to see what will make him happy will wear itself very thin after a while and she'll get to that point naturally.

Marriage has to be a two-way street. You can't corner someone to elicit feelings from them and get answers to their behavior. She already seems to have carried more weight than she should have and it's time to try a new approach. They say that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

The fact remains that there's a 50%+ divorce rate. If it's an issue now, it's only going to get worse if set a stage for forcing communication. If he is not an emotional guy, the worst thing you can possibly do is force him to BE emotional. It will only make him run faster and harder.
Katie&Chris2006 Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the above posters about seeking counseling or talking to your priest for support. This is a very difficult thing to deal with...please don't try to do it on your own! Don't forget we are all here for you too.
sugarkube4 Posted:

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I am sorry this is happening to you right now.. My FH tempermental and we have knock down drag out fights sometimes and we have been to councelling together and I am HUGE advocate for counselling.. and it really helps.. you can get a better understading of what eachother does that makes the other tick.. I really hope it works out for you.. I sincerely do..

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