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Weddings not happeniing? UPDATE NEAR BOTTOM

Original post by confused06

Thread views: 8,865

I'm a regular 06 poster on here and FH & I have been fighting on/off almost every 2 weeks for the past few months. It always starts the same & I know so much is stress about the wedding and stress about the money and stress because it is coming soon, but here's the deal. It's 2am & I can't sleep and I just want to cry.

FH is NOT the most emotional guy. He's on the cold side & not one to share his feelings and not very romantic (cards, flowers, expressing his emotions), but he'll show things in another way. Yet I am very emotional and at times when we have a busy week & dont get 2 see eo I'll send email/notes to him like i feel so alone, we need to talk. b/c he is busy w/ work/other commitments, he'll blow it off or not realize how serious I am. he is always saying how over-emotional i am & what a drama queen.

well then it hits the fan. I thought we'd spend a nice weekend together but fri he went w/ friends to parade in city & came home exhausted, Sat was supposed to spend time together but he was running errands for his job and we did have dinner then went to his friends' house for drinks/cake (fine, but WE didnt' talk). Yesterday was supposed to goto church & breakfast together but he woke up & got the laundry & said 'I have 3 bags of laundry' so i went 2 church alone & was even more angry when he said he was going to his parents from thre (instead of cleaning apt & talking--yet again).

just feel so disconnected. well then i was mad & saw his glasses on the table so i hid them (he had his prescrpition sunglasses on i guess)& went shopping. he called asking where they were, i ignored his calls. his calls got mean & I finally told him where they were. an hour later i went home to find my monogrammed cake topper that i spent hours on, smashed into 10 pieces along w/ a glass candle.I was beyond devasted. i spent HOURS on the cake topper & was so proud of it & really loved it

things got mean at that point & I called accusing him of loving his job more than me & asking if there was someone else ( know there isn't) & asked why everything else is more impt than me.

long story short....by end of last nite he said he can't 'do THIS' anymore & we shouldn't get married & things will only escalate from here. I can't sleep, he says we'll talk tomorrow about returning deposits/money/who gets apt, but he cannot see us getting married.

I'm devastated and can understand his frustration but feel 90% is due to stress & also that he doesn't read my signals....all i need is love and to feel special from him & when I don't have the chance to talk talk w/ him for a week, I feel myself getting yucky inside & the bad things happen.i told him this, but he says i pushed him too far.

the flip side of me says I dont need a guy that doesn't listen & doesn't tell me how special i am or do the sweet things. also if we have kids, he has to learn to control his temper & cant be smashing everything in his site Also more than anything the cake monogram has me seriously devastated (he has not even acknowledged this at all---he just said 'I told you to give me my glasses back).

i do love him & i can see us married but so much of this is due to stress & money & we're forgetting the impt stuff. i know he does love me but he gets caught up in work & enjoys what he does.

Not sure what i am asking for, just hugs/advice too....what would you do? Sorry so long.

:

transamgirlie Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Sorry but I am going to say a few things straight off the bat. I known for not beating around the bush so I will apologize now if I sound harsh.

1- both of you are not ready to commit, obviously you are both too wrapped up in yourselves to even consider getting married at this point.
2-you are both acting like children, hiding glasses and smashing things gets nothing accomplished - just plain old crap.
3- SIGNALS? Last time I checked you weren't helping a plane land you were trying to express your feelings - SPEAK UP! Men are (nor women) are mind readers - communicate! Speak your mind - you can't blame him for not getting it if you don't!
4-Postponing this wedding is something that you should both talk about - in my opinion (I won't speak for anyone else) you both need to look inside yourselves and decide what you want out of a marriage - YES marriage. These wonderful and elaborate weddings we plan are fun yes, and we look forward to them - but when it is all said and done and the day after you roll over and look at your spouse you should have wonderful butterflies inside your stomach that reminds you of what wonderful times lie ahead, not despair when you wonder what mistake you may have made.

So suck it up, dry your eyes and have an adult conversation.

lots of luck

jenheartsrob Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Best of luck to both of you... please keep us updated... I really think that sitting down and talking with him when you are both calmed down a little will help you guys have an adult conversation that you can really think about your future together and how to make it what you want...

MJDoc12 Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Posted by PrincessRose

First of all, .

I think you guys, if anything, need to work on communication. He's not 'picking up on your signals'. Why are you giving him signals, instead of saying, 'I need this from you'? Furthermore, I'm put off by the fact that you hid his glasses. That's not okay. If you were mad that he wasn't giving you the attention you needed, then tell him that you're in need of attention in no uncertain words. Plain English. 'I'm hurt because I'm not getting enough of your attention.'

I'm also disturbed by his choice to break things in anger. What did he think that was going to accomplish?

I know things will work out for the best.

totally agree with this poster. saying he doesn't 'pick up' on your signals & hiding his glasses, no offense, is a sign of immaturity on your part. him breaking the cake topper and glass, also shows immaturity and bit of an anger issue.

NEITHER one of you is ready for marriage. perhaps you have gotten so caught up in the wedding, that you were ignoring the other signs that this isn't right. you guys need therapy and/or some time apart. if he is saying he's had enough...don't try and make him stay. you both need some time to figure things out.

also--i understand not being able to see him for a week and it brings you down. BUT you make it sound like you are just lonely and nothing without him. that tells me that you need to discover you YOU are as a person--without a man to define you. do i miss my FH when he works late? absolutely. can i find other things to do with my time when he's not around? YOU BET! take some time to find yourself, and build some self-confidence!!!!! you deserve it!

good luck--and remember that everything happens for a reason.

beautyq115 Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I hope things work out for you one way or the other..... We are all here for you...Good Luck

ellebelle1 Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Posted by MJDoc12

Posted by PrincessRose

First of all, .

I think you guys, if anything, need to work on communication. He's not 'picking up on your signals'. Why are you giving him signals, instead of saying, 'I need this from you'? Furthermore, I'm put off by the fact that you hid his glasses. That's not okay. If you were mad that he wasn't giving you the attention you needed, then tell him that you're in need of attention in no uncertain words. Plain English. 'I'm hurt because I'm not getting enough of your attention.'

I'm also disturbed by his choice to break things in anger. What did he think that was going to accomplish?

I know things will work out for the best.

totally agree with this poster. saying he doesn't 'pick up' on your signals & hiding his glasses, no offense, is a sign of immaturity on your part. him breaking the cake topper and glass, also shows immaturity and bit of an anger issue.

NEITHER one of you is ready for marriage. perhaps you have gotten so caught up in the wedding, that you were ignoring the other signs that this isn't right. you guys need therapy and/or some time apart. if he is saying he's had enough...don't try and make him stay. you both need some time to figure things out.

also--i understand not being able to see him for a week and it brings you down. BUT you make it sound like you are just lonely and nothing without him. that tells me that you need to discover you YOU are as a person--without a man to define you. do i miss my FH when he works late? absolutely. can i find other things to do with my time when he's not around? YOU BET! take some time to find yourself, and build some self-confidence!!!!! you deserve it!

good luck--and remember that everything happens for a reason.

I agree with all of this too. If you look at your actions objectively, you might see clearer that expecting him to pick up signals and hiding things will only frustrate him and push him farther and farther away to the point that he does not want to get married. Start sticking up for yourself and being 100% direct in a nice (yet assertive way). See if anything changes with his behavior. It honestly might. Treat him how you want to be treated. See how it goes. .. just my 2 cents.

confused06 Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

You girls are the best. You were there for me when i really needed to talk/vent. I have to say things have gotten alot better.

since my last post my fi and i did a lot of talking. we admitted both of us cant be childish and break things or hide things and he said my accusations of saying he was cheating set him off--in any respect we agree that cannot continue for future on either of our parts.

i truly appecaite the advice to be direct + not have him read my signals. He is not very intuitive and the direct approach would be best (thanks for this ).

we also agreed going to speak to someone would be a great idea and really help us out. he was open to this and we made an appointment for next monday.

as of now the wedding IS still on but we both agreed we have to learn how to communicate better and can't threaten each other.

i just want to say you girls are the best and i appreciate all the advice, hugs and fms you have sent me.

alioop4282 Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I'm so glad it's all working out for you.

Soon2BeMrsS Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

me too

CTarantino Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I am sorry and I am sure it is 'wedding stress' that is contributing to your problems. I wish there was something I or any of us brides could do to help. We can only offer you lots of and support. Only you know if you can spend the rest of your life with him. I don't think he is thinking at his point and hopefully just give him a little space and I am sure all will work out for the best. Good Luck!!!!!!

lipglossjunky73 Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Good luck!!!

kittythestray Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Posted by Sunrise813

true love should never be this hard.

This is what I say to every one of my friends. Yes, relationships are work, but when your BOTH giving equally it's easy work... when one of you is giving 90%, you feel tired and like it's always a struggle and you start to resent the person only giving 10% because they have it so easy.

edsprincess Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I can kinda relate. My husband thinks he's always right and he has a temper. He throws things constantly and hits the doors. Its been hard lately. I always think is this going to get better then it does then he throws his tantrums again over stupid stuff. And I love him. Its like your stuck between a rock and a hard spot. I love him but I can't go through his tantrums emotionally. Its very hard. If you feel its right you did the right thing. A marraige is 2 people putting into it not one.

johnsae Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I hope things work out for the better.

DAVALJO2 Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Kellysgirl Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

CC59 Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Maybe he needs some time to himself? Guys are weird. Something might be bothering him or maybbe he is just plain old stressed out.

luvmyhuny Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I am so sorry that you guys are going thru all of this. Yes it is a stressfull time but you guys really need to sit down and talk.
My FH is always working too I get mad but I have to understand when we get married it will be like this. And I had to make a decision if I could not live with all the working I would not even accept the . Its so hard but you have to TALK!!
If you can't talk NOW you don't want to be divorced on top of spending like 50 K on the wedding.

Keep me posted..

nickipa Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I just wanted to say goodluck, I think its really great you guys talked and are going to meet with someone, I think that will be great for your communications with eachother

jnrrb Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I am sorry you are going through this. I really hope the two of you can work it out when you guys sit down and talk about everything. But make sure you do talk about EVERY THING before the two of you jump into something the two of might regret. Lay it all out on the table and see where you both have to make changes to make it right.

I really hope it works out for you,
Best wishes.

Sorry I didn't see your last post,

happy to hear of the out come.

Again best wishes

ewickens Thread views: 8,865

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Posted by confused06

You girls are the best. You were there for me when i really needed to talk/vent. I have to say things have gotten alot better.

since my last post my fi and i did a lot of talking. we admitted both of us cant be childish and break things or hide things and he said my accusations of saying he was cheating set him off--in any respect we agree that cannot continue for future on either of our parts.

i truly appecaite the advice to be direct + not have him read my signals. He is not very intuitive and the direct approach would be best (thanks for this ).

we also agreed going to speak to someone would be a great idea and really help us out. he was open to this and we made an appointment for next monday.

as of now the wedding IS still on but we both agreed we have to learn how to communicate better and can't threaten each other.

i just want to say you girls are the best and i appreciate all the advice, hugs and fms you have sent me.