well its not really a hump day.. so END OF THE WORK WEEK WEDNESDAY
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If you go to all the effort of a 45 minute bike ride to the library in the rain, you should quickly check before leaving and make sure it's not a holiday. #LFMF
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Quickly dispose of the milk carton in which you poured used fondue oil; your milk-carton-chugging boyfriend will be glad you did. #LFMF
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If you are known to start sexual encounters in your sleep, it's probably not a good idea to share a bed with anyone OTHER than your wife. For instance: your brother-in-law. #LFMF
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When an Evangelist tells you she can “help you be born again,” the correct response is not to look at her crotch and ask, 'You really think I'll fit?' #LFMF
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When teaching your child to call 911, disconnect the phone first. Otherwise, the call will go through. In such a case, do not add to the situation by screaming in shock and hanging up the phone. The person on the other line will call back to see what's wrong, and you will have a though time explaining things. #LFMF
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i totally had to cover a laugh with a fake cough with the next one...
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(516):
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
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(269):
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
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(954):
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
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(318):
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
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Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML
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Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, 'Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back.' FML
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Today, I went shopping with my parents. Halfway through, I got separated from them and tried to call them only to find out my cell phone battery was flat. A few minutes later, an announcement was made for a lost child. It was by my parents. I'm 36. FML
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Today, I had just finished writing my rough draft essay, so I went to sit by the pond. A giant moth suddenly flew down and attacked me, causing me to drop my binder in the pond, ruining the essay. I discovered in the aftermath that the moth was actually a leaf. FML
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Today, while my mom was out, I took the car out to CVS to get some food, even though I'm not legally allowed to drive. As soon as I got back in the car, my mom pulled up 2 parking spaces away from me. She didn't notice me bend down to hide... until I accidentally hit the horn in the process. FML
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Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she proceeded to fart, and left my room. FML
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Today, after having sex with my girlfriend of four years she started telling me what she wanted for Christmas. A vibrator was at the top of the list. FML
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the end
