What is the 'right' thing to do?

OH!!! Poor girl!! I think you should invite him, because 1) it would make your Grandmother happy 2) You're going to feel a little sad that your grandfather can't be there no matter what. 3) If your Grandmother is sad that she couldn't bring her friend, it might make things even worse for you-because now -not only is your grandfather not there, but your grandmother is sad.
Do whatever you feel will make things easier on you. Oh..I feel for you, sweetie!

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Posted by lullabella

I am sorry if you took my comment as 'offensive' But the subject of your post was...... What is the 'right' thing to do?.. It amazes me when people post things asking for advice but complain when they don't hear the responses they want too.




Anyway, I wish you luck in your decision.

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I am complaining about people being unneccesarily rude and engaging in name-caling, not for expressing their opinions.

As you can see, I have not added any nasty icons like some other people have.

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Posted by Janice

I believe Jamie was looking for opinions, but supportive ones. If you think she should invite him, then just say yes you should, he is not your grandfather, and no one can take his place.

To call her selfish is weird to me, she would not be posting scenerio is she was selfish, she is thinking about others, just venting and looking for advice.

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Thank you Janice...I appreciate that you and many others saw my post for what it is!

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Posted by FrescaBride

I'm just asking this out of curiosity...do you really know every person that it's coming to your wedding? I invited guests(whom I know) that are bringing their guests(might not know some of them) and I do not necessarily know them...they are FH's friends from work etc...I do not necessarily know their fiancees or girlfriends.....Like I know many of his co-workers but I don't necessarily know each and every one of them.....
Just curious.....

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Whether people believe it or not, yes I do know all of the guests. I know some people choose to accuse me of lying (like Redhead) rather than believe me, but I do.

Most of our guest list is family. FMIL is one of 9...all of those people are married with kids. FFIL is one of 4 and has the same deal....
My Dad is one of 6 and all of his siblings are married with kids.

Also, FH and I went to the same college and although we were different years, we know all of each other's friends and their SO's....

Because the guest list is so large with just family all of the people we don't know have been cut.

Don't worry about all the posts you find offensive. You have to do what you feel comfortable with. If it's going to make you incredibly miserable to have him there, then you need to express your feelings to your grandmother so she just doesn't think you're excluding him out of dislike.

Ultimately you have to make the decision, because you know what you are feeling.

Besides the question of whether or not she's selfish, which IMO she's not since she's posting SPECIFICALLY to get opinions on what to do based on her FEELINGS toward grandma (see, definition of selfish: selfish
adj : concerned chiefly or only with yourself;) and based on that definition alone, she is not since she is concerned with someone other than her; why are people questioning whether or not she'll know everyone at her wedding? Is it really that far fetched to know everyone you're inviting? I invited 142 people and I know every single person there. Even my friends who are bringing guests, I know who they are. It's possible that I know this because I made it a point to only invite people that knew me or my fi or simply because we invited people with guests only if they had been dating for over a number of years, engaged or living together...but that's beside the point.
I for one LOVE honesty and post expecting honesty, but I think some replies on this site get a little too catty, a little too personal and assumptions are made too hastily. With that said, the girl is posting about a very sensitive and touching subject for her, why call names? I just don’t understand why her feelings (and that's what they are because she hasn't acted on anything yet) are being trivialized...I think it's a lot easier to be 'bold' and 'honest' on a site where there's no one face to face, but I don't believe that many of you would ever say some of the things that were posted on here if it had to be done face to face.
And the silly icons don’t really belong on a post dealing with someone’s passing. Being sensitive doesn’t have to be compromised because you’re trying to be honest.

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Posted by SomethingBlu

Besides the question of whether or not she's selfish, which IMO she's not since she's posting SPECIFICALLY to get opinions on what to do based on her FEELINGS toward grandma (see, definition of selfish: selfish
adj : concerned chiefly or only with yourself;) and based on that definition alone, she is not since she is concerned with someone other than her; why are people questioning whether or not she'll know everyone at her wedding? Is it really that far fetched to know everyone you're inviting? I invited 142 people and I know every single person there. Even my friends who are bringing guests, I know who they are. It's possible that I know this because I made it a point to only invite people that knew me or my fi or simply because we invited people with guests only if they had been dating for over a number of years, engaged or living together...but that's beside the point.
I for one LOVE honesty and post expecting honesty, but I think some replies on this site get a little too catty, a little too personal and assumptions are made too hastily. With that said, the girl is posting about a very sensitive and touching subject for her, why call names? I just don’t understand why her feelings (and that's what they are because she hasn't acted on anything yet) are being trivialized...I think it's a lot easier to be 'bold' and 'honest' on a site where there's no one face to face, but I don't believe that many of you would ever say some of the things that were posted on here if it had to be done face to face.
And the silly icons don’t really belong on a post dealing with someone’s passing. Being sensitive doesn’t have to be compromised because you’re trying to be honest.

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NOTHING on this thread was catty...i have said NUMEROUS times that i was not trying to me mean here...
AND by YOUR definition SHE IS BEING SELFISH! SO THANKS for proving my point...She is concerned MORE with HER feelings than her grandmothers...I was trying to say that micely..and you can look back on my posts...

AND NO SILLY ICONS WERE USED..

IF you ask a question be prepared to get responses...NOBODY WAS RUDE HERE...Not until someone got defensive

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Posted by Jamie&MarkSept.'05

...she does not know I cried about it and I would never tell her that. She does deserve to be happy and I never once said she shouldn't be.

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then you should let her bring him.

jamie:

i think you should invite him to make your grandma happy. he's invited as your grandma's date, no one can ever take your grandpa's place!! while he's invited, i think it's perfectly ok not to include him in family pictures though.

regarding the selfish topic, i do NOT think jamie is selfish AT ALL. i think it is the most ridiculous accusation to say that 'she is being selfish by not wanted to make her grandmother happy...' if you would read her post carefully, she IS happy for her grandmother and she wants her grandma to be happy but this little part of her feels that maybe her grandpa is being 'replaced' hence this post.

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Posted by frosty

I'm going to phrase this as if I were in your situation.

I would invite him.

His presence would not diminish my love and affection for my grandfather. I would make sure there was a way to honor my grandfather during the ceremony or reception. Her new beau in no way could replace my grandfather.

I think a significant enough amount of time had passed since my grandfather died (it is not as if he had died a few months earlier and my grandmother was asking to bring a date).

I would want it to be a happy day for everyone involved. If this gentleman made my grandmother happy, then I would want him there.

**Of course, I am not in your position, so I can't answer for you, I can only give my opinion as to what I would if I were in your situation.


ETA: And I'm sure your grandmother will also be dealing with the fact that your grandfather is not there on your wedding day.

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I totally agree with this post. I know it's a tough situation..but I don't think you should consider him as a replacement for your granfather. I am sure both you and your grandmother would give anything to have your grandfather there instead...but as you said yourself she is probably just lonely. And I am so sorry for your loss.

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Posted by RedHead

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Posted by SomethingBlu

Besides the question of whether or not she's selfish, which IMO she's not since she's posting SPECIFICALLY to get opinions on what to do based on her FEELINGS toward grandma (see, definition of selfish: selfish
adj : concerned chiefly or only with yourself;) and based on that definition alone, she is not since she is concerned with someone other than her; why are people questioning whether or not she'll know everyone at her wedding? Is it really that far fetched to know everyone you're inviting? I invited 142 people and I know every single person there. Even my friends who are bringing guests, I know who they are. It's possible that I know this because I made it a point to only invite people that knew me or my fi or simply because we invited people with guests only if they had been dating for over a number of years, engaged or living together...but that's beside the point.
I for one LOVE honesty and post expecting honesty, but I think some replies on this site get a little too catty, a little too personal and assumptions are made too hastily. With that said, the girl is posting about a very sensitive and touching subject for her, why call names? I just don’t understand why her feelings (and that's what they are because she hasn't acted on anything yet) are being trivialized...I think it's a lot easier to be 'bold' and 'honest' on a site where there's no one face to face, but I don't believe that many of you would ever say some of the things that were posted on here if it had to be done face to face.
And the silly icons don’t really belong on a post dealing with someone’s passing. Being sensitive doesn’t have to be compromised because you’re trying to be honest.

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NOTHING on this thread was catty...i have said NUMEROUS times that i was not trying to me mean here...
AND by YOUR definition SHE IS BEING SELFISH! SO THANKS for proving my point...She is concerned MORE with HER feelings than her grandmothers...I was trying to say that micely..and you can look back on my posts...

AND NO SILLY ICONS WERE USED..

IF you ask a question be prepared to get responses...NOBODY WAS RUDE HERE...Not until someone got defensive

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Actually, by definition she's not being selfish since she is concerned with her grandmother's feelings too...not with her own SOLELY. Yes, her feelings are strong, but she does say that she didn't tell grandma anything because she doesn't want to hurt her.
And I wasn't attacking you PERSONALLY - or anyone PERSONALLY, but I do feel that the tone was catty and not helpful. Am I not entitled to my own opinion now? If you weren't the one using silly icons, then why respond with a silly icon?
Again...this was a serious post about a serious issue, no need to trivialize it or call names - this is not HS and I never enjoyed that aspect of it anyway and this (LIW) is not my life for that matter - the same cannot be said for everyone. Honest feedback is always welcomed, but no need to tear down the person asking for it.

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Posted by SomethingBlu
Actually, by definition she's not being selfish since she is concerned with her grandmother's feelings too...not with her own SOLELY. Yes, her feelings are strong, but she does say that she didn't tell grandma anything because she doesn't want to hurt her.
And I wasn't attacking you PERSONALLY - or anyone PERSONALLY, but I do feel that the tone was catty and not helpful. Am I not entitled to my own opinion now? If you weren't the one using silly icons, then why respond with a silly icon?
Again...this was a serious post about a serious issue, no need to trivialize it or call names - this is not HS and I never enjoyed that aspect of it anyway and this (LIW) is not my life for that matter - the same cannot be said for everyone. Honest feedback is always welcomed, but no need to tear down the person asking for it.

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MY tone wasn't catty until someone thought what i said was rude...which it wasn't. A person who agreed with her used the word selfish as well...
And MY interpretation of this situation is selfish...AGAIN...i am not trying to be mean here...saying that is NOT HS...It is how i feel...We all are selfish at points in our lives..and sometimes it needs to be pointed out...Which I DO feel is the case here...But i tried to say it nicely in my original post!

AND NOBODY tore down anyone...you can have your opinon but you are grossly distorting what was said!

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Posted by RedHead

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Posted by SomethingBlu
Actually, by definition she's not being selfish since she is concerned with her grandmother's feelings too...not with her own SOLELY. Yes, her feelings are strong, but she does say that she didn't tell grandma anything because she doesn't want to hurt her.
And I wasn't attacking you PERSONALLY - or anyone PERSONALLY, but I do feel that the tone was catty and not helpful. Am I not entitled to my own opinion now? If you weren't the one using silly icons, then why respond with a silly icon?
Again...this was a serious post about a serious issue, no need to trivialize it or call names - this is not HS and I never enjoyed that aspect of it anyway and this (LIW) is not my life for that matter - the same cannot be said for everyone. Honest feedback is always welcomed, but no need to tear down the person asking for it.

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MY tone wasn't catty until someone thought what i said was rude...which it wasn't. A person who agreed with her used the word selfish as well...
And MY interpretation of this situation is selfish...AGAIN...i am not trying to be mean here...saying that is NOT HS...It is how i feel...We all are selfish at points in our lives..and sometimes it needs to be pointed out...Which I DO feel is the case here...But i tried to say it nicely in my original post!

AND NOBODY tore down anyone...you can have your opinon but you are grossly distorting what was said!

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Again, not a personal attack hence why I didn't quote you when I said that there's no need to tear anyone down...but I do feel that there was 'unnecessary meanness'...I actually don't want to deter away from Jamie's original post since I do think that it's a serious and difficult issue for her. So we'll have to agree to disagree on this one - and I'm perfectly OK with that since everyone in the world having the same opinion would make for a boring world.

I haven't read this whole thread but I can tell there is drama going on. I'm just going to reply to your original post.

I think it would make grandpa happy to see grandma happy. And you would want grandpa to be happy while he is watching your wedding from above...so, in my honest opinion, the 'right' thing to do is to invite grandma with her date.

I am sorry about your grandpa and that you are so upset. But I definitely think he should be invited if your grandmother wants to bring him. I am sure she hurts just as much as you about the loss of her husband, but for the first time in a long time she is getting some happiness back in her life and as much as it hurts you have to try and accept it. I am sure your grandpa would not want your grandmother to stop living now that he is gone. They loved each other very much and I am sure he wants her to be happy. No one will ever replace him.

Im so sorry you have to go through this..it must be a tough place fo ryou to be in....i would say...if you are close with your g-ma...and you support her as a person...than invite him....b/c at somepoint she had to move on. it stinks she had to make it so open surrounding your wedding though

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Posted by RedHead

IF you ask a question be prepared to get responses...NOBODY WAS RUDE HERE...Not until someone got defensive

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No one was rude here RedHead? You want me to start posting like you do? Well here it comes...let's see if you can handle it when it is you who is being attacked.

Last time I checked, calling someone selfish is not a 'polite' thing to do. Not that you would know anything about that from your history on these boards. You took a post that I was sincerely torn about, one in which I asked for people's opinions on the situation, not to make judgments about me and turned it into a fiasco.

Clearly you are the selfish one because you have no concern or respect for the feelings of others, for the feelings of someone who has lost a loved one. Maybe you never have...and you are lucky to not have experienced such pain in that case.

You have NO class...and I am going to get honest and real with you here. You are truly a PATHETIC individual. I have seen way too many posts on here where you come in and attack people and it is unneccessary.

I remember specifically, one post in which someone started a thread asking about the well-being of another poster who had been MIA...other posters chimed in, expressing their concern. You post and rip everyone apart, saying they are not really concerned and then proceed to talk about a website you are aware of (and most likely a part of) that is designed to specifically make fun of people on this site.

Now, how pathetic is that? I have a very full life. I work full time, I am planning my wedding, I have a lot of family and friends. I love LIWeddings because it is a great resource. However, I do not have that much time to post because unlike you, I have a very full outside life.

If you have enough time to post here all the time with your nasty comments and additionally make time to go out of your way and 'make fun' of people on here in another forum, then maybe you need to re-evaluate yourself and your life.

Aren't you a newlywed? Why don't you spend some more time with your husband? Perhaps you need to research some hobbies.

Going on a web forum and attacking people you don't know is truly pathetic, especially when they are dealing with sensitive and painful issues.

GET A LIFE REDHEAD!!!! You are one pathetic, sad individual. I pity you.

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Posted by isuser

jamie:

i think you should invite him to make your grandma happy. he's invited as your grandma's date, no one can ever take your grandpa's place!! while he's invited, i think it's perfectly ok not to include him in family pictures though.

regarding the selfish topic, i do NOT think jamie is selfish AT ALL. i think it is the most ridiculous accusation to say that 'she is being selfish by not wanted to make her grandmother happy...' if you would read her post carefully, she IS happy for her grandmother and she wants her grandma to be happy but this little part of her feels that maybe her grandpa is being 'replaced' hence this post.

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Thank you for your sensitive and kind response. I truly do appreciate all of the girls on here who were able to express their opinions in an intelligent manner without resorting to criticism.

This is part of what makes this site so wonderful and makes the people who are incapable of intelligent, thoughtful responses stand out even more for what they are!