A little background: my grandfather and I were super close...shared the same birthday, named after him, lived around the block from each other. When he passed away (7 years ago) I was devastated and actually joined a grief support group for awhile...I have been getting upset thinking about him not being at my wedding as the time gets closer and closer...
The Problem:
I recently found out my grandmother has started dating someone. I reacted positively to her when she told me, and I understand that she is probably lonely and this is good for her...but after I got off the phone with her I cried because I was so upset about the idea of her being with someone else, feeling like my grandfather has been replaced, etc. (I know he hasn't, but I can be emotional when it comes to him!)
So my Mom said Grandma wants to bring this new boyfriend to my wedding....my stomach immediately dropped...I feel like I don't really want him there because I am so upset about the fact that my grandfather can't be...
Thoughts, opinions?
P.S. My guest list is way over what it should be (by about 50) and I know it is only one other person, but I am just throwing this out there....
curliegirl
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
I went through something distantly similar, my brother was dating a girl for years, and I LOVED her. She was already like a sister, and he suddenly broke up with her, and my mom and I cried for weeks.
A few months later he wanted to bring his new girl to my graduation party. At first I resisted, how could he even think I would want to meet her?
Eventually, my senses came to me and I agreed. It went fine, and that was 2 years ago, in 2 weeks they will be married....
In the end, you really know inviting grandma's BF is the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean you are giving up your allegiance to your grandfather. My brother and your grandmother have a right to be happy too.
jantany26
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
I agree with the majority of people, you need to think of her happiness also. I know that you loved your grandafther a lot and no one will ever replace him, but think of her and how hurt she would feel if you don't accept her boyfriend.
buggiegirl
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
I am not trying to offend anyone here- nor am I attacking any of your opinions!!
Let's try to be nice everyone
RedHead
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Posted by buggiegirl
I am not trying to offend anyone here- nor am I attacking any of your opinions!!
Let's try to be nice everyone
we are being 'nice' we are just expressing differnt opinions...
dpli
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
I might be tough for your your grandma to attend all these things solo. I would invite her with the BF.
Jamie&MarkSept.'05
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
Posted by lullabella
I think you are being a little selfish. Put yourself in your grandma's shoes for a minute? It is so hard for an elderly person to meet someone else. She deserves to be happy and not alone.
I have to say that I took your comment as being a bit offensive. I don't know how I am being 'selfish.'
I clearly stated in my original post that I understand she is lonely, and this is good for her...
My problem is that she just started dating this guy, my grandfather and I were very close, I had an extremely hard time dealing with his death and I am concerned as to whether or not it will really upset me to see him there in the place I wish my grandfather was.
Yes, I want my grandmother to be happy, but also this guy is a complete stranger to me and my family (she met him in FL where she lives during the winter). I never said I absolutely refuse to invite him or that I think my Grandma should remain alone for the rest of her life...I just don't know if I want him to be a part of this huge day in my life...
Jamie&MarkSept.'05
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
Thank you to everyone for all your support and advice.
I do appreciate all of the posts.
RedHead
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
Posted by Jamie&MarkSept.'05
Posted by lullabella
I think you are being a little selfish. Put yourself in your grandma's shoes for a minute? It is so hard for an elderly person to meet someone else. She deserves to be happy and not alone.
I have to say that I took your comment as being a bit offensive. I don't know how I am being 'selfish.'
I clearly stated in my original post that I understand she is lonely, and this is good for her...
My problem is that she just started dating this guy, my grandfather and I were very close, I had an extremely hard time dealing with his death and I am concerned as to whether or not it will really upset me to see him there in the place I wish my grandfather was.
Yes, I want my grandmother to be happy, but also this guy is a complete stranger to me and my family (she met him in FL where she lives during the winter). I never said I absolutely refuse to invite him or that I think my Grandma should remain alone for the rest of her life...I just don't know if I want him to be a part of this huge day in my life...
there are going to be a bunch of strangers at your wedding...people you never met....
and if you are thinking about your feelings over your grandmothers happiness than that is selfish....not trying to be mean here but it is...
think of her, she has been alone for 7 YEARS...i would be doing cartwheels! that she found someone to be with her.
ETA> and i dont' think the poster was trying to offend you...other people, even people who agreed with you , used the term selfish....
Jamie&MarkSept.'05
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
Posted by RedHead
there are going to be a bunch of strangers at your wedding...people you never met....
and if you are thinking about your feelings over your grandmothers happiness than that is selfish....not trying to be mean here but it is...
think of her, she has been alone for 7 YEARS...i would be doing cartwheels! that she found someone to be with her.
ETA> and i dont' think the poster was trying to offend you...other people, even people who agreed with you , used the term selfish....
Actually, I know everyone that will be invited to my wedding. FH and I both have large families and have been dating for 5 years, so we know all of the people really well.
Also, I don't think it is selfish for me to think about my own feelings on my own wedding day. I don't think that is selfish at all...it is a day to celebrate me and my FH and I would like to be able to be happy about it.
All I was asking was what people thought of the situation...what they would do if they were in the position....I have been nothing but positive to my grandmother about this relationship...she does not know I cried about it and I would never tell her that. She does deserve to be happy and I never once said she shouldn't be.
I don't like when people, such as yourself, seem to want to instigate problems, assume things about my wedding which you do not know and call me selfish.
I am sure you consider your own feelings every now and again in life...even if you don't consider the feelings of others before posting.
SomethingBlu
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
Posted by Jamie&MarkSept.'05
Posted by RedHead
there are going to be a bunch of strangers at your wedding...people you never met....
and if you are thinking about your feelings over your grandmothers happiness than that is selfish....not trying to be mean here but it is...
think of her, she has been alone for 7 YEARS...i would be doing cartwheels! that she found someone to be with her.
ETA> and i dont' think the poster was trying to offend you...other people, even people who agreed with you , used the term selfish....
Actually, I know everyone that will be invited to my wedding. FH and I both have large families and have been dating for 5 years, so we know all of the people really well.
Also, I don't think it is selfish for me to think about my own feelings on my own wedding day. I don't think that is selfish at all...it is a day to celebrate me and my FH and I would like to be able to be happy about it.
All I was asking was what people thought of the situation...what they would do if they were in the position....I have been nothing but positive to my grandmother about this relationship...she does not know I cried about it and I would never tell her that. She does deserve to be happy and I never once said she shouldn't be.
Well said!
And as an FYI - I voted for not inviting 'Romeo'. As someone who knows every single person who will be at my wedding, I think you are not obliged to invite him...especially given the bond you and your grandpa shared.
Jamie&MarkSept.'05
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
Thanks somethingblu! You always have my back!
It's always nice to have a little more support!
frosty
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
I'm going to phrase this as if I were in your situation.
I would invite him.
His presence would not diminish my love and affection for my grandfather. I would make sure there was a way to honor my grandfather during the ceremony or reception. Her new beau in no way could replace my grandfather.
I think a significant enough amount of time had passed since my grandfather died (it is not as if he had died a few months earlier and my grandmother was asking to bring a date).
I would want it to be a happy day for everyone involved. If this gentleman made my grandmother happy, then I would want him there.
**Of course, I am not in your position, so I can't answer for you, I can only give my opinion as to what I would if I were in your situation.
ETA: And I'm sure your grandmother will also be dealing with the fact that your grandfather is not there on your wedding day.
lullabella
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
Posted by Jamie&MarkSept.'05
Posted by lullabella
I think you are being a little selfish. Put yourself in your grandma's shoes for a minute? It is so hard for an elderly person to meet someone else. She deserves to be happy and not alone.
I have to say that I took your comment as being a bit offensive. I don't know how I am being 'selfish.'
I clearly stated in my original post that I understand she is lonely, and this is good for her...
My problem is that she just started dating this guy, my grandfather and I were very close, I had an extremely hard time dealing with his death and I am concerned as to whether or not it will really upset me to see him there in the place I wish my grandfather was.
Yes, I want my grandmother to be happy, but also this guy is a complete stranger to me and my family (she met him in FL where she lives during the winter). I never said I absolutely refuse to invite him or that I think my Grandma should remain alone for the rest of her life...I just don't know if I want him to be a part of this huge day in my life...
I am sorry if you took my comment as 'offensive' But the subject of your post was...... What is the 'right' thing to do?.. It amazes me when people post things asking for advice but complain when they don't hear the responses they want too.
Anyway, I wish you luck in your decision.
RedHead
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
Posted by Jamie&MarkSept.'05
Actually, I know everyone that will be invited to my wedding. FH and I both have large families and have been dating for 5 years, so we know all of the people really well.
Also, I don't think it is selfish for me to think about my own feelings on my own wedding day. I don't think that is selfish at all...it is a day to celebrate me and my FH and I would like to be able to be happy about it.
All I was asking was what people thought of the situation...what they would do if they were in the position....I have been nothing but positive to my grandmother about this relationship...she does not know I cried about it and I would never tell her that. She does deserve to be happy and I never once said she shouldn't be.
I don't like when people, such as yourself, seem to want to instigate problems, assume things about my wedding which you do not know and call me selfish.
I am sure you consider your own feelings every now and again in life...even if you don't consider the feelings of others before posting.
1. i am not starting or instigating ANYTHING here...I gave you my opinion and i some others that i disagreed with and said so...If you do not want opinions then do ask.
2. Thinking of your feelings over your gandmother is imo selfish...i wasn't trying to be mean and said so.
3. And i don't believe you know every single person at your wedding..but whatever...
4. and i certainly DO consider people feelings before posting but if you are going to ask for opinions be prepared to take it..
Again i wasn't starting anything with you....
curliegirl
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
sniff sniff...What's that smell?
Janice
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
I believe Jamie was looking for opinions, but supportive ones. If you think she should invite him, then just say yes you should, he is not your grandfather, and no one can take his place.
To call her selfish is weird to me, she would not be posting scenerio is she was selfish, she is thinking about others, just venting and looking for advice.
RedHead
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
Posted by Janice
I believe Jamie was looking for opinions, but supportive ones. If you think she should invite him, then just say yes you should, he is not your grandfather, and no one can take his place.
To call her selfish is weird to me, she would not be posting scenerio is she was selfish, she is thinking about others, just venting and looking for advice.
like i said...i wasn't trying to be mean...but i do think that she is being selfish by not wanted to make her grandmother happy...
FrescaBride
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Posted by frosty
I'm going to phrase this as if I were in your situation.
I would invite him.
His presence would not diminish my love and affection for my grandfather. I would make sure there was a way to honor my grandfather during the ceremony or reception. Her new beau in no way could replace my grandfather.
I think a significant enough amount of time had passed since my grandfather died (it is not as if he had died a few months earlier and my grandmother was asking to bring a date).
I would want it to be a happy day for everyone involved. If this gentleman made my grandmother happy, then I would want him there.
**Of course, I am not in your position, so I can't answer for you, I can only give my opinion as to what I would if I were in your situation.
ETA: And I'm sure your grandmother will also be dealing with the fact that your grandfather is not there on your wedding day.
This is a great sensitive way to put this.
FrescaBride
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
Posted by Jamie&MarkSept.'05
Actually, I know everyone that will be invited to my wedding. FH and I both have large families and have been dating for 5 years, so we know all of the people really well.
I'm just asking this out of curiosity...do you really know every person that it's coming to your wedding? I invited guests(whom I know) that are bringing their guests(might not know some of them) and I do not necessarily know them...they are FH's friends from work etc...I do not necessarily know their fiancees or girlfriends.....Like I know many of his co-workers but I don't necessarily know each and every one of them..... Just curious.....
brideinapril
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Re: What is the 'right' thing to do?
In my opinion I would invite him, he makes your grandma happy, and if it was me, at my wedding, I wouldn't want to look over and see a sad face on my grandma because she couldn't bring her significant other. And to add, even at me smaller scale wedding - I did NOT know every person there.
