Who am I marrying?

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Posted by KerriJohnS

OK.... just from experience with weed and drug testing...
FH works for NY sanitation... he was told that just being exposed to weed would not cause him to fail his drug test. He would of had to be exposed to a SEVERE amount to be able to fail the drug test - like baking for a prolonged period of time.
I wouldn't believe everything he said. People with these problems have a lot to hide and many reasons to lie. I'm not saying that he is lying... but what he is saying contradicts what I heard from DSNY who does serious drug tests at random.

Also, I'm glad you spoke to him about it.

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The thing is he didn't tell me he didn't smoke, and he didn't tell me he did. He told me that the union was saying how the amount found was such and such. I don't believe him about what came out on the drug test, and right now he can't convince me any differently. I'm not sure what the next step is. I wonder if we should go to counseling, but is that going to really help at this point.

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Posted by Betrayed

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Posted by KerriJohnS

OK.... just from experience with weed and drug testing...
FH works for NY sanitation... he was told that just being exposed to weed would not cause him to fail his drug test. He would of had to be exposed to a SEVERE amount to be able to fail the drug test - like baking for a prolonged period of time.
I wouldn't believe everything he said. People with these problems have a lot to hide and many reasons to lie. I'm not saying that he is lying... but what he is saying contradicts what I heard from DSNY who does serious drug tests at random.

Also, I'm glad you spoke to him about it.

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The thing is he didn't tell me he didn't smoke, and he didn't tell me he did. He told me that the union was saying how the amount found was such and such. I don't believe him about what came out on the drug test, and right now he can't convince me any differently. I'm not sure what the next step is. I wonder if we should go to counseling, but is that going to really help at this point.

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Well if you feel that you need guidance then councelling might help. I think it all depends. I don't know the severity of the situation but I wouldn't rule that out. The truth is... you don't need couples counceling as much as he might need someone to talk to about his habit. Not that couples counceling wouldn't be helpful..., but you can't really work on your relationship in that way until his problem has been resolved.
But there is something that strikes me here... he still didn't tell you what exactly he did and what exactly is going on? He should come clean... and if he isn't willing to give you any extra information freely then he must have something to hide. Always remember that addict saying... you are only as sick as your secrets.

I work in the medical field and you must smoke weed in order to fail a drug test, you can be around it and will not test positive unless you smoked it must be inhaled into the lungs, and testing positive to weed does not show it was a small amount, positive is positive, I do not think he is being honest with you still, I think there is more than he is telling you. good luck and be his friend and support system through this,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My best advice would be to talk with him and pretty much corner him into telling you everything. Give him the choice to confess and then treat his problem or to take his problem and leave. I know that sounds really bitchy and mean and I'm not trying to sound that way at all, but if he really wants things to work out with you and he really is remorseful he would take that and use it to make things work with you.

Once again I'm really sorry and I hope I didn't sound like a ***** it was not my intentions- just my honest opinion.

I used to have a job where I did drug tests on kids, and the previous post is correct, a positive is a positive, the test doesn't actually say that there is a trace of this drug in your system. So unless he had a blood test, a urine test would not tell that info.

I am sorry for what you are going through, but you should know all the facts. I hope everything works out.

so sorry you are going through this...I hope you both come to a solution but you do need to have a talk about this. At this point he needs help and try to be there for him

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Posted by michelle1024

I used to have a job where I did drug tests on kids, and the previous post is correct, a positive is a positive, the test doesn't actually say that there is a trace of this drug in your system. So unless he had a blood test, a urine test would not tell that info.

I am sorry for what you are going through, but you should know all the facts. I hope everything works out.

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Does it make a difference that he did have a blood test? He had both to be exact. I should go look at the paper again and I could be more specific.

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Posted by Betrayed

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Posted by michelle1024

I used to have a job where I did drug tests on kids, and the previous post is correct, a positive is a positive, the test doesn't actually say that there is a trace of this drug in your system. So unless he had a blood test, a urine test would not tell that info.

I am sorry for what you are going through, but you should know all the facts. I hope everything works out.

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Does it make a difference that he did have a blood test? He had both to be exact. I should go look at the paper again and I could be more specific.

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Yes, I believe it would make a difference. I only used urine tests, which def are either neg or pos, there is no inbetween. But I think a blood test would be able to show levels, i mean it shows other levels.

Unfortunately, if your FH is a 'drug addict,' he will be selfish and secretive always while he is under the influence of his disease. He will lie and steal and think only of himself. Even if it was 'only' weed, remember that once a drug addict does any drug it will likely spin into an eventual relapse into something harder, whether it is their 'drug of choice' or something new.

I went through my own issues with someone I loved being a drug addict, and I don't mean to hurt you, but I want you to be aware that if your FH is truly an addict, he will only answer to his addiction - not you, not his job, not his family. The only thing that can help him at that point is rehab. You cannot trust a drug addict.

I hope that in your case your FH has some secrets but has not relapsed into his addiction. Either way, he has lied to you, and you need to remember that fact. I hope that your FH can become aware that he has a problem that needs to be fixed.

Good luck, and I will be thinking of you ... I hope that I haven't made you feel badly ... but sometimes the people who love addicts need to hear these things. I know that I did.

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Posted by AlisonMZ14

RUN

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Would you just run and leave your FH?

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Posted by BarbieGrl10

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Posted by Betrayed

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Posted by BarbieGrl10

Oh I'm soooooooo sorry you are going through this Be honest with him.. tell him that you opened the letter...tell him that you know... and tell him that he needs to get into treatment.....Be there to support him but you really need to think about if you want to marry him before he gets sober.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh... I didnt mean it to!

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You don't sound harsh at all. I appreciate the advice. My head is spinning with thoughts. On one hand I think- How could he lie to me? How could he still lie about it when I make all these comments when I had suspicion. I think I need to walk out on him. I need to leave him. But then I twonder- Can I leave him with this disease and not support him in recovery? Can I just walk away from this?

I'm hurt.

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OK good! Well its up to you... do you feel that you are strong enough to handle it again? You dont have to walk out of his life...you can stay but help him towards recovey. You dont have to define your relationship with him to support him. If it was me... I would put the wedding on hold...as hard as it might be...but I think its the best thing to do... put it on hold and get him into a treatment program.... Dont ask him 'how could he do this to you' because hes not actually doing it to hurt you...the fact is... sadly he cant help himself.

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ITA with Barb... sometimes when you are addicted you cant help yourself.. that doesnt mean that it should become your burden though.. let him know you opened the letter and see what he says... if he is open to getting treatment then be there for him and see what happens... dont feel like leaving him equals leaving him saddled with this problem.. Be there to help him and take it from there

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Posted by AlisonMZ14

RUN

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I don't think it is that simple. How could you just walk away from someone that you love and who clearly has a problem.

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Posted by Cacarina

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Posted by AlisonMZ14

RUN

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I don't think it is that simple. How could you just walk away from someone that you love and who clearly has a problem.

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ITA! Running would be selfish on her part, it can send him into a downward sprial. I think she has to at least try to help him and if that doesn't work she has to do what is best for her. I could never just walk away without even trying to fix the problem.

Sweetie, I wish you the best and I will definitely pray for you and FH.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I'm glad you found this out now! This is a serious problem and you should talk to him about it. I work with someone who had the perfect marriage until her husband got mixed up with drugs. He began lieing to her all the time, couldn't and still can't hold down a job, took money out of their account for the drugs and even stole jewelry from her. Long story short they are now divorced and he is a big time dead beat! If this is something he doesn't get under control its going to get worse and unfortunately he's going to take you down with him. It's never easy, especially when you love someone, but you need to look out for you well being. I wouldn't say 'run', its not like you just met the guy. I will say support him, get him help, but if the situation doesn't change I would seriously consider putting a hold on the wedding. GL!

my personal opinion:

talk to him and let him know that you need to know 100% everything that is going on, and until he does that, you need to postpone the wedding. i don't think its a smart thing for you guys to go into a marriage with broken trust and keeping secrets. you need to know the ENTIRE story before making any steps. i def think couseling is a good idea, but he needs to be upfront with you and needs to know that you want to hear the whole story and try to help.

good luck!!!

You need to be honest with him and let him know you opened his letter. Then you need to decide if you want to stick it out with him, and help him through this. Or, you have to walk away.

You can give him all the ultimatums you want (Quit or I'm leaving you) but the thing is - with an addict they will only do it for themself when they are ready. This is why you have to decide if you're 100% willing to stick it out with him. Addiction is difficult to deal with (for both you and him) but it's possible to overcome. People do change, but they have to WANT to change. Do you want to be the person to help him through this? It's going to be stressful and difficult at times.

As for him, I'd recommend him finding a local AA or MA (marijuana anonymous) meeting and start attending it EVERY SINGLE DAY. It doesn't matter what drug he's addicted to, he will be welcome at any and all of these meetings. This will be inconvenient for you as he will be at meetings at night and not around to hang out or go out. But he has to do this. In time, he will be able to go to fewer meetings, but this is important for him to do. He needs support from both you and from people who have been through this. He'll be able to find a sponsor and call this person day or night. I know you've seen this on TV shows or in the movies...but it works in real life.

And lastly, he will have to cut these toxic friends out of his life. But again, you can't make him do this. He has to want to get better and change.

And remember, no matter what, we are always here for you.

I'm gonna give you my 100% honest advice... it's sad but you gotta ditch him and look for someone better.

I was engaged to someone exactly like that and it took me years to realize that he will never stop lying and that I could never trust him. Every time I thought everything was finally great and that he had finally quit (after arrests and counseling and other stuff) I would find some evidence that he was lying to me AGAIN. You deserve better than that!!!

Sorry this is happening to you FM me if you want to talk.