Who am I marrying?

The man that is suppose to become my husband this year, has hurt me more then I think anyone can fully understand.

Let me give you a brief history on him. Way back in the day (Prior to meeting me), FH used to be involved with some friends that were into a certain drug, which caused FH to become addicted. He became clean and remained that way.

Fast foward..

Now years and years later, FH would have some random mood swings that always raised my eyebrow. When confronted he would lie until his face turned blue. So I acted as though I believed him, even though I knew deep inside something was wrong.

I was going through my mail pile on my table and came upon this envelope addressed to him. The way it looked I thought it was a tux place, now I know he never opens any wedding related stuff so I opened it.

It was a completion form from a drug counseling center. I almost died. As I read it I found out that he must have came out positive for a drug test at work and was mandated to go in order to keep his job.

I'm so hurt, but this explains so many things. His mood swings, how he said 2 nights a week he worked out late with his old friend. How this certain mood he would be in all of a sudden stopped. You know why? Because he had to pass his weekly drug test!

My head is spinning, my heart is broken. How can he do this to me.

He doesn't know I have this letter. I don't know what to say to him or how to say it. All I want to do is scream.

Please don't quote this,

Oh wow im so sorry. You need to lay it down for him because i dont think it would be enjoyable to be married to someone who is on drugs and lying about it. You need to talk to him about it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
At this point you really need to sit down together and assess this situation.
you can't go into a marriage based on lies and distrust. you need to be able to have confidence that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. I truly hope it works out but FH really needs to be honest with you and himself about his problem.

i am so sorry you are going through this. i would definitely talk to him about it and see what he has to say. i hope everything works out for you

Oh I'm soooooooo sorry you are going through this Be honest with him.. tell him that you opened the letter...tell him that you know... and tell him that he needs to get into treatment.....Be there to support him but you really need to think about if you want to marry him before he gets sober.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh... I didnt mean it to!

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Posted by BarbieGrl10

Oh I'm soooooooo sorry you are going through this Be honest with him.. tell him that you opened the letter...tell him that you know... and tell him that he needs to get into treatment.....Be there to support him but you really need to think about if you want to marry him before he gets sober.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh... I didnt mean it to!

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You don't sound harsh at all. I appreciate the advice. My head is spinning with thoughts. On one hand I think- How could he lie to me? How could he still lie about it when I make all these comments when I had suspicion. I think I need to walk out on him. I need to leave him. But then I twonder- Can I leave him with this disease and not support him in recovery? Can I just walk away from this?

I'm hurt.

10 crashing.

I agree with what others say, that you should talk to him about it. However, DO NOT say something that you said above. Do not say, 'how can you do this to me.' Although i 100% understand what you mean, he may take that as, 'what do you mean how can i do it to you? I'm the one with the problem and am i'm dealing with it.' By coming off like that it might make him think that he was right by keeping his out patient treatment from you. (Which he wasn't)

Be honest with him about why you opened the letter. Offer to go with him to meat with his counselor so he knows that you are there to support him no matter what. Also inquire about the treatment and the type, was it group, 1-1, how long etc.

The important thing is that he was in treatment. However, at this point it needs to be his decision to enter into treatment, not because he was forced by his job. (i'm guessing it was a drug education course which was probably.... 6-9 weeks).

I do really feel for you and don't want to sound like i'm saying what he did is right. It's not. Not at all.

If he acknowledges that there is a problem and goes into treatment there is a chance he could turn around and things will work out. You have to be 100% honest with him and more important, he must be 100% honest with you and himself.

If not, the only advice I can give you is run! Run fast! It may come off as being a bit harsh but I'm speaking with the voice of experience. I was with an alcoholic for 10 years - it doesn't get any better unless there is an acknowledgement on his part that there is a problem and he is serious about getting help for it.

Good luck!

Don't mean to crash~~
Whatever you decide I wish you well with it. I am in no place to tell you what to do, but if it was me I would definitely tell him that I know and try to be there for him and be compassionate but firm about what I expect to happen in the future. Deep down inside you know whats best, every girl has that thing inside us that tugs at us and tells us exactly what to do. I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you well.

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Posted by Betrayed

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Posted by BarbieGrl10

Oh I'm soooooooo sorry you are going through this Be honest with him.. tell him that you opened the letter...tell him that you know... and tell him that he needs to get into treatment.....Be there to support him but you really need to think about if you want to marry him before he gets sober.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh... I didnt mean it to!

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You don't sound harsh at all. I appreciate the advice. My head is spinning with thoughts. On one hand I think- How could he lie to me? How could he still lie about it when I make all these comments when I had suspicion. I think I need to walk out on him. I need to leave him. But then I twonder- Can I leave him with this disease and not support him in recovery? Can I just walk away from this?

I'm hurt.

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OK good! Well its up to you... do you feel that you are strong enough to handle it again? You dont have to walk out of his life...you can stay but help him towards recovey. You dont have to define your relationship with him to support him. If it was me... I would put the wedding on hold...as hard as it might be...but I think its the best thing to do... put it on hold and get him into a treatment program.... Dont ask him 'how could he do this to you' because hes not actually doing it to hurt you...the fact is... sadly he cant help himself.

wow Im so sorry!!

I would def. talk to him about it and be supportive on him getting help. A lot of the times when its drugs and whatnot, they are ashamed to admit that they have a problem.... I understand why he wouldnt tell you- but now its like an issue of trust Its like you dont even know who he is anymore.... hopefully he can get help for this- but please make sure that this is something you are going to have to deal with....depending on how deep he has fallen, b/c this might be an issue that you guys are going to have to face for a really long time.

Honestly, JUST MY OPINION- I wouldnt be okay with marrying him, if he is not sober and didnt get treatment yet. Do you still have time for your wedding for him to get treatment and counseling and stuff?

I'm never really good with situations like this, so rather than say anything that's not helpful, I'll just say good luck and to follow your head in this instance, not your heart.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would try and talk to him about the letter and just take it from there

I am so sorry, and I know you must be hurting, but you have to remember that addiction is a disease and it's not like he did it on purpose to hurt you. He might feel bad and ashamed of all of this because of how addiction is viewed by many people. I would talk to him about it and try to come from a place of concern and not of one of anger. See what his side of the story is before trying to pass too much judgment.

If he seems to have no remorse, that's a different story then...

Ok.. I really tried to put off responding to this post. But I feel compelled.
I'm going to go a little against what everyone else here says. He should be held accountable for what he did and the way he lied to you. It's very important for you to understand that he does have a disease but at the same time that shouldn't be an excuse for lying and going behind your back and well... for doing what he's been doing. It's really important that people with this problem still be held accountable. Usually they have to hit some sort of bottom to want to get help. That bottom is different for everyone... sometimes it's somewhat shallow and other times it's a really deep dark hole. But if you make it like it's all ok then he will feel that way too and his bottom will get deeper and deeper. Hopefully the thought of losing you will be his bottom.
I'm sad and nervous for you. To be marrying someone at a time like this is very risky. If I were you I would want to make absolute sure that he was in it for the long run and that he is not just willing to change but that he HAS changed his ways! It's going to take a long long time for you to trust him again, as it should! He not only has to get better but he has to prove it to you in order to gain your trust back. The only way he can do that is really through time and time again of him doing the right thing. Also, he needs to stear clear of the places and people he hangs around that are doing the same thing he is doing. I don't know if he is at this alone or if he has friends that he does whatever he does with. But if you have any sort of substance abuse problem you have to remove yourself from the surroundings that cause you to drink or do drugs.
Think Tough Love in this case!

Oh and yes.. you should totally confront him! let him know his gig is up and you know EXACTLY what is going on. You don't need to harbor his secrets too. You have to tell him what you know and demand that he tell you the truth. Most likely he will lie... trust your instint... you will know when he is lying. Let him know that you aren't buying his sh*t. He needs to know he isn't getting away with anything at all. Even if he is embarrased and hurt by it! He should feel that way... and a lot of times it's the hurt and embarrasment that makes them want to straighten themselves out.

Oh and one more thing... depending on the complexity of his situation... you should begin toying with the idea of letting his close family members in on it. Sometimes in these situations family can help a whole lot more than most realize.

Thank you ladies for all your advice and support in this rough situation.

Last night I ended up soaking this whole problem up. I couldn't find myself to bring it up with out me first clearing my head and calming down. I ended up telling him this morning on the phone. Not the best way, but I knew face to face would have not been in my best interest, because I felt I would just yell and scream. I was very vague about it at first. I told him I knew where he really was on Tuesday and Thursday nights, and that I wasn't mad about what he did, I was upset that he would hide it and not try to speak to me about it. I told him I would have supported him, but instead he betrayed me by not being completely honest.

He told me that he came back positive for weed and a small amount of it. That even the union he works for is fighting it because it was an amount that someone would have if they were exposed to it, not smoking it. That's not the drug that I am suspecting. With this whole situation I now feel like I can't believe that story. He cried to me. He told me he was embarrassed that is why he couldn't tell me. He went into how we have been on shaky grounds and he thought by telling me about this I would leave him. Hes was obviously being selfish.

I feel relieved that this is now out of the bag, but that was only the first step. I have less then 6 months left until the wedding. I have my save the dates out already, so many vendors booked and here I am now facing a problem that I don't know what I should do.

Girls, thank you again for being here to listen. I can't talk to anyone else about it because I can't have them know.

OK.... just from experience with weed and drug testing...
FH works for NY sanitation... he was told that just being exposed to weed would not cause him to fail his drug test. He would of had to be exposed to a SEVERE amount to be able to fail the drug test - like baking for a prolonged period of time.
I wouldn't believe everything he said. People with these problems have a lot to hide and many reasons to lie. I'm not saying that he is lying... but what he is saying contradicts what I heard from DSNY who does serious drug tests at random.

Also, I'm glad you spoke to him about it.