The man that is suppose to become my husband this year, has hurt me more then I think anyone can fully understand.
Let me give you a brief history on him. Way back in the day (Prior to meeting me), FH used to be involved with some friends that were into a certain drug, which caused FH to become addicted. He became clean and remained that way.
Fast foward..
Now years and years later, FH would have some random mood swings that always raised my eyebrow. When confronted he would lie until his face turned blue. So I acted as though I believed him, even though I knew deep inside something was wrong.
I was going through my mail pile on my table and came upon this envelope addressed to him. The way it looked I thought it was a tux place, now I know he never opens any wedding related stuff so I opened it.
It was a completion form from a drug counseling center. I almost died. As I read it I found out that he must have came out positive for a drug test at work and was mandated to go in order to keep his job.
I'm so hurt, but this explains so many things. His mood swings, how he said 2 nights a week he worked out late with his old friend. How this certain mood he would be in all of a sudden stopped. You know why? Because he had to pass his weekly drug test!
My head is spinning, my heart is broken. How can he do this to me.
He doesn't know I have this letter. I don't know what to say to him or how to say it. All I want to do is scream.
Please don't quote this,
vicky1125
Posted:
Member since
Re: Who am I marrying?
i'm so so so sorry. personally i could never be with someone who does drugs and doesnt want to help himself, been there, done that, moved on. honestly, if he is smoking or doing the other drug you suspect , if he got clean once, he can do it again. the line 'what's more important, me or the drugs?' doesnt work cause if a person has a problem, its not that simple. i really hope it's what he said it is, just low levels of pot. people make mistakes.
ETA cause i cant spell.
MrsDtoBe09
Posted:
Member since
Re: Who am I marrying?
Oh no, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to tell you. I think you should be honest with him - don't continue the circle of lying as he has been doing.
Well It really is hard to be in the situation Rather than just looking in and giving advice ... It's always easier said than done! especially when emotions are involved, they always seem to alter your decisions. However I think that you should stand by your fiance ... It really is not right that he lied to you but you guys made a commitment when he asked you to marry him and you accepted ... the commitment to be there for eachother for better & for worse. He probably didn't want to stir up tension or have you worry about something you didn't have to with less than 6 months left to your wedding and maybe thats why he hid it from you ... It does not make what he did right, however you should let him know that you guys are supposed to communicate and that lying should not start now, or be a part of your lives together in the future. I hope everything works out for you guys and let us know of the outcome!
Betrayed
Posted:
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Re: Who am I marrying?
Update.
I spoke with him and he gave me the whole story. He smoked on a Friday and ended up tested that Monday. He said it was stupid and he did it because he was just around it and hasn't done it in years. He said he knew it was wrong and hes not a drug addict.
He swore up and down how it wasn't the drug I thought it was. That he used his time in the counseling program to speak about his past experience with this one drug that ruined his life (Not weed). He also stated he ended up completing that program early because of the fact that he isn't an addict, he might have been 9 years ago but not now. Even the counselor said that is the reason if I looked on the letter the long term plans do not say to get into another program. She told him that a 12 step program is always there to help if he should ever fall into his old habits .
He explained how he didn't tell me because he knew I would freak out knowing he smoked and was suspended from work for a few days due to it. He was embarrassed that he couldn't pay the rent because of the fact he lost money from not working and he had to lie to his sister and borrow from her to pay it. He said ' How would you handle me telling you I ****** up, was suspended and can't pay the rent in full'.
I don't know how I feel about this. I'm just lost.
Once again, thank you ladies for all your input and support. With that said I am now signing off with this and will have to deal with it on my own. Wish me luck and love you girls!
AdriandSteve
Posted:
Member since
Re: Who am I marrying?
ITA with what everyone else is saying. I worked in a outpatient substance about place for awhile a few years back and people and places are the main trigger for everyone.
I think couseling together is a good first step. But not straight couples counseling. Later on maybe. IMO i would have him get a individual counselor at the outpatent place where he was and you can then go with him to that. He can also get enrolled in more group therapy and have random drug testing. On a good note, his job knows already so he shouldn't have a problem with his insurance paying for the therapy.
Like others also said, addiction is a disease. Unfortunately relapsing is part of the recovery process.
Perhaps putting the wedding on hold is a good idea. Not to see if you can trust him, but because this process is going to take 100% of your and your FH's effort and time.
Although weed isn't as serious as cocaine it is a gateway drug like someone else said too. It's better to deal with weed now then something more serious down the road.
melcc83
Posted:
Member since
Re: Who am I marrying?
Im so sorry you are going through this thats so terrible, I def think you guys need to sit down and talk about it, I know you feel betrayed and hurt, but maybe he was also trying to protect, you and trying to get help so you would still want to marry him. I know either way its completly wrong, but when you do talk to to listen to what he has to say to, but also stand you grown and let him know he needs to make a dedcision to
good, luck and please update us with what happends, I hope everything works out for you
xoxo
Melissa
melcc83
Posted:
Member since
Re: Who am I marrying?
Posted by Betrayed
Update.
I spoke with him and he gave me the whole story. He smoked on a Friday and ended up tested that Monday. He said it was stupid and he did it because he was just around it and hasn't done it in years. He said he knew it was wrong and hes not a drug addict.
He swore up and down how it wasn't the drug I thought it was. That he used his time in the counseling program to speak about his past experience with this one drug that ruined his life (Not weed). He also stated he ended up completing that program early because of the fact that he isn't an addict, he might have been 9 years ago but not now. Even the counselor said that is the reason if I looked on the letter the long term plans do not say to get into another program. She told him that a 12 step program is always there to help if he should ever fall into his old habits .
He explained how he didn't tell me because he knew I would freak out knowing he smoked and was suspended from work for a few days due to it. He was embarrassed that he couldn't pay the rent because of the fact he lost money from not working and he had to lie to his sister and borrow from her to pay it. He said ' How would you handle me telling you I ****** up, was suspended and can't pay the rent in full'.
I don't know how I feel about this. I'm just lost.
Once again, thank you ladies for all your input and support. With that said I am now signing off with this and will have to deal with it on my own. Wish me luck and love you girls!
I would def be skepltical by what hes telling you.. Im sure you wanna believe him but just be on guard and make sure he really is telling you the truth... i dont wanna upset you I just want you to see the whole thing, and not just believe him b /c your getting married in 6 months...if you decide to stay with him you may need t owork on your relationship before getting married
littlepixie12
Posted:
Member since
Re: Who am I marrying?
Posted by melcc83
Posted by Betrayed
Update.
I spoke with him and he gave me the whole story. He smoked on a Friday and ended up tested that Monday. He said it was stupid and he did it because he was just around it and hasn't done it in years. He said he knew it was wrong and hes not a drug addict.
He swore up and down how it wasn't the drug I thought it was. That he used his time in the counseling program to speak about his past experience with this one drug that ruined his life (Not weed). He also stated he ended up completing that program early because of the fact that he isn't an addict, he might have been 9 years ago but not now. Even the counselor said that is the reason if I looked on the letter the long term plans do not say to get into another program. She told him that a 12 step program is always there to help if he should ever fall into his old habits .
He explained how he didn't tell me because he knew I would freak out knowing he smoked and was suspended from work for a few days due to it. He was embarrassed that he couldn't pay the rent because of the fact he lost money from not working and he had to lie to his sister and borrow from her to pay it. He said ' How would you handle me telling you I ****** up, was suspended and can't pay the rent in full'.
I don't know how I feel about this. I'm just lost.
Once again, thank you ladies for all your input and support. With that said I am now signing off with this and will have to deal with it on my own. Wish me luck and love you girls!
I would def be skepltical by what hes telling you.. Im sure you wanna believe him but just be on guard and make sure he really is telling you the truth... i dont wanna upset you I just want you to see the whole thing, and not just believe him b /c your getting married in 6 months...if you decide to stay with him you may need t owork on your relationship before getting married
I dont want to be harsh but I have to agree with Mel... it does sound like a lame excuse, IMHO ... just be on your guard and be careful
Betrayed
Posted:
Member since
Re: Who am I marrying?
I would def be skepltical by what hes telling you.. Im sure you wanna believe him but just be on guard and make sure he really is telling you the truth... i dont wanna upset you I just want you to see the whole thing, and not just believe him b /c your getting married in 6 months...if you decide to stay with him you may need t owork on your relationship before getting married
I dont want to be harsh but I have to agree with Mel... it does sound like a lame excuse, IMHO ... just be on your guard and be careful
I will thank you girls. For everything. Now its time for me to figure out what we have to do.
michelle1024
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Re: Who am I marrying?
Good luck, i hope everything works out!
Future Mrs Roo
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Re: Who am I marrying?
Posted by Sweeteey51
Oh wow im so sorry. You need to lay it down for him because i dont think it would be enjoyable to be married to someone who is on drugs and lying about it. You need to talk to him about it.
I agree
gina409
Posted:
Member since
Re: Who am I marrying?
wow... ok just read through all of this...
im glad he came around and told u whats going on..imo u have 2 choices..u can leave now n never look back or u can try to help him through this..i know it was only wed now and etc etc but this is going to be a long road back and there could be some major bumps..im sure he needs and wants u there with him..just make sure ur ready..
if u love him..i wouldnt leave him or runaway..everyone has problems and its always nice to have someone there to help u through them..
what i would do is demand a honest i screwed up policy..if he messes up..u guys can deal with it..but he NEEDS to tell u bout it..nothing in the dark
i hope this helps and i hope u feel better..good luck to u both
