Help! My FMIL has made us an offer that I'm not sure we can refuse - and I feel like I'd be making a pact with the devil!
My FMIL is divorced and has a very nice home in Suffolk County. She has only about 70 k left on her mortgage. She asked my FH if he and I would like to take over the mortgage and have the house put in our names (just he and I) and live there with her.
Here's the thing: I want to own a home in the worst way, but at the rate we're saving and the way prices are rising, it will be 5 years or so before we can buy anything. And I'd like to have a child and stay home for the first few years, etc. I don't think I could afford to stay home with our child at all if we bought a house.
My FMIL is a nut, and usually I can't stand to be around her for more than a day. On the one hand it seems my decision should be no way - do not live with her. On the other, I may not be able to do the things I really want to do (have a home and a child) without her.
I should add that FH and I have been living together for 4 years, so it wouldn't be like we'd be starting out with his mom. I am really torn - please advise! Thanks!
MichelleW
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
Would she have her own apartment in the house or would she be sharing your living space?
cluelessbride
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
Sharing our kitchen. She'd have her own bedroom, bathroom and den/study type room. She doesn't cook, but she could be hanging around the kitchen.
ChristineC68
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
I couldn't do it. I would find another way to get a house or put it off or live in a tent or move out of state before I lived with my in-laws. That's speaking for me.
In response to your post - if you already can't stand to be around her for a day here or there, how do you think it would be to live in the same house?
I understand it's such a great opportunity to save but before you do this, sit down with your FH and FMIL and lay down very specific ground rules!!
Since she doesn't have a kitchen, will you be expected to prepare meals for her? Will she expect family dinners? Is there a way for her to have her own kitchenette or something? How would you feel coming home from a bad day at work and wanting nothing more then a hug from your FH and she is sitting in the kitchen?
I apologize in advance if I sound harsh. It's mostly coming from the fact that I can't stand the sight or sound of my in-laws
Lisa Rose
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
My husband and I just bought a house with my parents. They wanted to move out east to be close to my sister & BIL as did we but they did not want the responsibility of having a big house. We decided to pool our $$ together for the downpayment and ended up getting a much bigger house that we could have buying it by ourselves. Also, it would have taken us a VERY long time to come up with that kind of $$.
It sounds to me like its a good deal but a few points to think about.
1) will your MIL have her own 'apt'. meaning her own kitchen, bedroom, livingroom? or will she be living in the room right next door to you and your FI/Husband? The house that we bought has the same living area upstairs as down, so my parents have their own entrance, kitchen, bathroom, and living area. Its like having a 2 bedroom apt in the house. Seperate areas make for better living arangements!
2) does your FI have any siblings that might resent this move by your FMIL?
3) The house prices now are crazy and the mortgage rates are so low that if you can take advantage of that.
Living with relatives is never east and is a decision that should be thought about really hard. You have to think about what kind of relationship that you have with your FMIL and if you could live with her.
Good Luck! Lisa
cluelessbride
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
Ugh. I think we'd need to build her her own totally separate apartment before I could do this. In no way would I prepare meals for her, or run her errands, etc. I think right now I am leaning toward no. And I need the harsh words - I need to have some sense shaken into me!
Fran M
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
How much living together would there really be? Is she home all the time or does she do something like winter in FL? If you do not have a wonderful loving realationship with this woman I would be very leary. This is your day to day life you are talking about. Add a Grandchild to the household down the line and who knows what will happen to your relationship. Think long and hard about this.
stacedz
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
We live in an apt. above my parents and moved in with them under the assumption that we will take over the house one day when we have kids (don't know when that would happen since there is no way we could afford their mortgage right now). I don't think I could live in the same house with my own parents let alone in-laws. You need your own space and if she drives you nuts now, I doubt you could stand to live with her. Think about making an apartment for her...there is your live in babysitter if you trust her to do that! I think everyone all around would be happier with set space. Good Luck!
anna
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
From your words and what you've said I would not do it. Sometimes we want one thing so badly that we do something that we regret just to get it, and it wasnt worth it after all.. I really think that although you would have this nice house, it would not be 'home' to you, whether you would feel uncomfortable with your MIL being there, or whether in the future you would be made to feel 'if it werent for me....' from her...
It just sounds like youre better off waiting. DH always says he waited so long to propose and get married (6yrs) because he wanted us to have a house upon getting married, which thank God we were able to. but I always say, I could have lived in a shack with him and been just as happy. Its not the house that brings you happiness, its the LOVE in the house that makes it a home. Not to say there will be no love in the house for you, but if there will be tension, uncomfortable situations, and disagreements, you might begin to dread going home !
My vote is for 'No thanks, mom'
I hope no offense was taken by anything I said, I just tried to see it from your view and your situation and give my advice IMHO...
What does your DH wanna do ?
Good luck in whatever you choose !
starhead
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
I would rather live in a box than w/ my FILs. They're great people and love them but my sanity comes first. You have to consider what kind of effect it will have on you two.
cluelessbride
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
I take no offense - this is just the type of feedback I was hoping for. Thank you all. I love my independence and and have been on my own from 21 til the time I moved in with my FH. I would hate to feel like I owed my FMIL anything.
My FH wants me to be happy. He says if I cannot with a whole heart feel good about it then he doesn't want to do it. But I also know he wants to have a child in the worst way, and I do too, but it's true that a child would only complicate an already tense living situation.
I think the only way I could live with my FMIL and be happy is with a full separate apartment for her. I think then we could create clearly defined rules and boundaries. (Such as 'Never step foot in my house!!' Just kidding. )
Betty
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
Starhead that's funny.....but I feel the same!!! Unfortunately it's a great deal, which makes it so hard. I don't think I could do it though. My FH's mom offered us the apt upstairs from her. I think I would kill myself if we lived there (luckily we live in my dad's 2 family house - and he also rents downstairs - while he lives in FLA). Be careful and think about your relationship. No matter what, it's his mom, she might drive you nuts but be careful what you say. I truly believe if she drives you nuts now, it will double if you live with her. I don't think I would do it, however I'm not in the position and I can't say for sure
karen32
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
Personally, I could never do it. I like my FMIL, but there is no way I would want to start married life with her (or my Mother). Even with a separate apartment, she'll still be there ALL THE TIME!!
JMO!!
mims107
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
Dont get me wrong, i adore my FMIL, but...
I also love MY mother... that doesn't mean I want to live with her!
I think that you and FHorDH will need your own space. It is different when there is a mother/daughter house situation where the other person is in a separate apartment, but.... I could never do it.
ddunne23
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
I'm gonna have to vote no on this one! Even if you were best of friends with you FMIL, living together is probably not the best. The way I see it, most new couples have to deal with establishing a sense of freedom from in-laws and letting eveyone understand that you're new family as a married couple is #1....so moving in with FMIL is never going to let you and FH have your own life. JMO!
livinnsin
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
NO NO No, JMO I could never do it, even though it is a great opportunity for you. I cant imagine it with my parents let alone his. Just thinking about it makes me want to jump, I can just hear them now JOEY Whats going on!!!AHA HA AHAHAHAHAH
Sonicstef
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
NO WAY!
Can you assume the rest of mortgage and still live elsewhere until she moves aways/passes away?
Niecey
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
I would never in a million years even consider that. It would never ever work for me but that is me and my situation. I related to the box comment!
From what you said in your first post, it doesn't sound like it would work either. The only thing tha may work is if it were separate apartments.
My MOH did almost exactly what you said and it is wonderful for her. Her inlaws moved into the basement apartment which is not too separate from their place. Her inlaws are very unobtrusive. They never come up without being asked. They actually cook for her (a lot) and help with the laundry and she never feels like she owes them a thing. They are very kind and sweet and rare individuals! Now she had 2 babies and she always has a babysitter!
Becky
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
You could try it and if it doesn't work, kick her out. After all, you and your husband will own the house so she wont have any legal right to stay. Just kidding
I think this is a bad situation waiting to happen. I love my parents and visiting and staying with them for a few days, but when FH and I get home to MD, I am so glad to have our lives back. This is not something I would ever give up. And it doesn't sound like you really want to give that up either. Don't do it. You will appreciate the home you eventually buy even more when you and your FH do it yourself and it is truly 'yours.'
katebug
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Re: Who would live with their MIL/FMIL? LONG
I am going to jump on the 'no' bandwagon here. My FIL's made us a similar offer- and it was oh so tempting considering our finances. But I had to look at all the factors, and in my experience living so close can lead to problems. My mom's parents lived up the street from us most of my life- and there was no end to the conflicts it caused. It really could be a recipe for disaster- think carefully before deciding!
