Wife in crisis

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Posted by Conflicted

Thanks for your honest advice. Just to clarify - I never asked him whether we were equal or I was hotter. I just asked which one of us was hotter.
I do acknowledge that I have self-esteem issues and that is more than likely where my reaction comes from. I have some work to do on myself.

But I am really taken aback by the hostile reactions toward my previous 'soul mate' post. I am not the only person in the world, or even on this board, who did not marry their soul mate. You guys make it sound like I am some horrible person over something I didn't do wrong. If things didn't work out with the 'soulmate' does that mean I can't fall in love and marry someone else? And please be assured, there is no such thing as a power struggle here. If anything, I would feel bad about not marrying my soul mate, not more powerful with my current husband. Thanks anyway for sharing your thoughts.

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I'm sorry for what you're going through and don't wish it on anyone. I wasn't going to reply to this thread, but after seeing what you just wrote, I had to chime in.

I think the reason (or at least why I feel the same way) is that based on your previous post about your soul-mate issue, that you may be looking for reasons to justify why you did marry your current spouse.

In regards to your current issue, it's okay to have insecurities about yourself - heck, everyone does, and people that say they don't are full of it.

What I don't understand is why you're competing with your spouse....isn't it about knowing that he put that ring on your finger and made a life-long commitment to you? You're in an adult relationship and to be honest, why ask a question that may potentially 'trap' the person responding?

If this is the worst of your marital issues, God Bless and be grateful that it's something about physical appearances. There are a lot other worse issues that happen in a marriage.

My honest advice - in your eyes - if you don't love yourself, no one will ever love you. Meaning, it's your own insecurities that let you get to this point. If you felt amazing about yourself, then his response wouldn't have caused you to blink an eye.

Rather than dwelling on the issue or allowing resentment to go his way, work on it.

I'm sure you're an intelligent gorgeous woman, and your DH loves you very much. You have to feel the same way about yourself sweetie.

I don't really believe in 'soul mates' so forgive me. I understand very well about rough patches...it just seems like the issue here has been and still IS more with you than with your husband.

it's not hostility at all. we just call it like we see it.

everything Chrissy said is 100% true. you don't need to be the hottest girl in the room...you just have to be the only one he wants to go home with.

as long as you have that, you are golden.

I'm hotter. Settled.

I am sorry if you felt that any of my comments were ‘hostile’ – they were not intended to be. I misread your post and believed that you had posed the question with 2 options. But even if you didn’t VOICE those 2 options – you admitted that they were in your mind when you asked the question. And so my response is still the same with regard to that. I do not mean to hurt your feelings but I do think that it is evident that your self esteem to a blow. And moving past it may be as simple as realizing that your value to your husband is not based on your physical appearance so much as it is based on something far less tangible and – likely – far more valuable.

As to the soulmate issue… are you ready for jaws to drop? I - personally – do not believe in soulmates. I think people like superlatives and calling someone a ‘soulmate’ is just a way of making that person ‘better than’ all the other people they have shared things with in the past. I think that this previous relationship gave you something that your husband does not – and it is intimately connected to your self confidence for better or for worse. I don’t think you are a horrible person for not marrying that first person – but I do think that you are doing your husband a disservice by continuing to offer this first person a position in your mind that puts him above the man that you have promised your life and heart to. The only reason I referred to that earlier post was to say that there seems to be a link in some small way. Without truly knowing you – and only having these small things to go on – I am making the best assessment I can. Only you would know how close to the mark – or far from the mark – my thoughts are.

I am sorry if they were not applicable to you and did not help. But I do wish you the best luck.

I'm thinking of all of the very personal posts that I've seen on this board over the past few years, that people have written when they felt they had no where else to turn, and am feeling upset about the way that the OP's old post was posted here out of context, as if she is on trial or something.

I'm sure if you had referred to the soul mate post, the OP would have certainly known what you meant....posting the whole thing seemed to me like 'I found you out and I'm going to show everyone.' Not that the post was private, obviously, but it didn't sit right with me and that was reconfirmed by the OPs reaction.

I'm sure we've all gone through rough patches in our relationships that could be overanalyzed in the light of current events (whatever they may be in our individual situations).

I also understand that everyone is trying to help and thought there was a connection with the old post, but I think at this point bringing it up over and over is not helping anyone move forward.

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Posted by MrsD06

I'm thinking of all of the very personal posts that I've seen on this board over the past few years, that people have written when they felt they had no where else to turn, and am feeling upset about the way that the OP's old post was posted here out of context, as if she is on trial or something.

I'm sure if you had referred to the soul mate post, the OP would have certainly known what you meant....posting the whole thing seemed to me like 'I found you out and I'm going to show everyone.' Not that the post was private, obviously, but it didn't sit right with me and that was reconfirmed by the OPs reaction.

I'm sure we've all gone through rough patches in our relationships that could be overanalyzed in the light of current events (whatever they may be in our individual situations).

I also understand that everyone is trying to help and thought there was a connection with the old post, but I think at this point bringing it up over and over is not helping anyone move forward.

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Thank you to all for your honesty and THANK YOU for the above post. My previous post was from over a YEAR ago. It happened after a specific incident and other circumstances. It is no longer relevant and I did kind of feel judged today, which wasn't fair. But thanks again for all your honest advice.

Let's forget about the Soulmate for a second since this is indeed not part of the actual problem you asked in your post. I think people brought it up because they (we) may thing the issue goes back to it. Maybe we are wrong, we are not in your shoes and we can only interprete the story from what is posted. You are right, we don't know the whole story so we just go from what you post.

Now...have you talked to your DH more about it? Do you know why you are analysing over and over in your head what he said (it looks like it really did hurt your feelings)? I suggest taking the time to really analyse the situation and why you are reacting the way your did/are.

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Posted by MrsD06

I'm thinking of all of the very personal posts that I've seen on this board over the past few years, that people have written when they felt they had no where else to turn, and am feeling upset about the way that the OP's old post was posted here out of context, as if she is on trial or something.

I'm sure if you had referred to the soul mate post, the OP would have certainly known what you meant....posting the whole thing seemed to me like 'I found you out and I'm going to show everyone.' Not that the post was private, obviously, but it didn't sit right with me and that was reconfirmed by the OPs reaction.

I'm sure we've all gone through rough patches in our relationships that could be overanalyzed in the light of current events (whatever they may be in our individual situations).

I also understand that everyone is trying to help and thought there was a connection with the old post, but I think at this point bringing it up over and over is not helping anyone move forward.

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my point to bringing that WHOLE POST was to understand why care so much as to why her husband thinks he is hotter then her when she feels that he is not even her soulmate and has feeling for someone else . after looking at the post i noticed that it was from a while ago . but my point to that thinking it was this may not last may why care about what he think when your true feelings are for someone else .

she posted it on the boards before for everyone to see so what is the big deal if i posted it again .. im sure someone else would have seen that and done the same thing

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Posted by Dom n Nic
she posted it on the boards before for everyone to see so what is the big deal if i posted it again .. im sure someone else would have seen that and done the same thing

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I felt the same way as conflicted when I read it and it wasn't even my post, so I wanted to make the point that if it seemed harsh to me, I definitely understand why she would have felt that way. Saying that someone else would have done it anyways doesn't have anything to do with it.

I did say that the old post was obviously NEVER private, it was posted on these boards for all to see. Again, the way that it was taken out of context (in the sense of time, not in the sense of whether or not it was related to her new post) is what felt harsh to me...that was my gut reaction as I read it which is why I felt the need to post.