Will I get over this?

I am keeping my last name too! There are a bunch of reasons for this, some logistical and practical, but mostly feminist (so I totally understand where your dad is coming from!).

FH is okay with this (he was surprised at first), and no one else minds (in my culture, the woman never changes her last name). I have to admit, it's a big relief not to have to go through the administrative hassle of changing my name.

That being said, I understand if girls want to change their name as well - I really think you should do whatever you are comfortable with. FH and I agreed that the kids will take his name - I didn't think I could win all the battles. :)

HTH!

hows your fh about this
my fh wouldn't marry me if i told him i didnt want his name

I made a post about this months ago, so you are def not alone. I love my last name, I'm really used to it, and there arent many of us. My dad's bro isnt married, I only have a sister, etc. I dont want our name to die out (I think there are a few members of our extended fam that had boys...) If you look up my last name on facebook you only get ~ 12 people and I'm pretty much related to them all.

But.... I'd really like to have the same last name as FH. He also really wants me to change mine. I told him he could take mine, but wasn't really serious about it (he has an awesome sounding name). I have awful initials right now that would change, and FH has a super easy short pronouncable last name. It's so common though - I already have one of the most common first names and coupled with his last name? there are about 150 girls with that combo on facebook. FH's brother is also dating a girl with my same first name, so if THEY got married we'd both have the same first and last name.

It would really take some time to get used to. I'll prob take his name because its important to him and I wouuuld like to have the same name, but it makes me sad too and its not something I'm excited about. I'll be married before law school graduation so I guess my diploma would have my new name... If I changed my name I'd do it fully though because otherwise I'd feel like I was in limbo with no identiy (if I used one name for work and one name for my real life -- not if I hyphenated). Another option is to make my maiden name my middle name (Which a lot of attorneys and professors I know have done) but it sounds kind of awful lol. Plus, it would just make my awful initials plural haha (assuming I also kept my current middle name)

Ugh.. this is the one thing im looking forward to least about being married... wish i was more excited about it!

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Posted by PEPE10

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Posted by JB1122

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Posted by PEPE10

well it's a big decision, have you talked to him about it -how does he feel- don't feel bad you are not the only woman in the world who feels this way - if it means that much to you to keep it then you should

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He does know about it, and he is somewhat sad about it, but he is being understanding. He is hoping I'll keep my maiden name in my professional life and use his last name in my personal life.

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well would you consider doing that
sounds like a compromise

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i think that is a great idea

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Posted by BoxOfRocks

In threads like this, I see women agonizing over what they are going to do, worrying themselves sick about offending FH, declaring that FH insists that they change their names. It's the twenty-first century--if certain FHs are so concerned with having the same last names as their wives, why don't the FHs change their names?

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When I talked to FH about not changing my name, his reason for being completely okay with it was 'I would never want to change my last name, and I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't be willing to do myself'. I thought that was very fair. I was so happy and relieved that that conversation was not difficult.

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Posted by JB1122

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Posted by JeanetteandSteve

my SIL had the same problem. i will fully admit that my current last name is AWEFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and she went from having a really nice last name to taking my brother's. she was so upset about it, she used to complain all the time.

but it's been 3 years and she has TOTALLY embraced it. they have a baby now, and ever since she became pregnant it was like it was THEIR family name, and she's been really happy about it.

i hope you end up feeling the same way...but if you really feel that strongly, maybe you should talk to him about it??

good luck w whatever you do!!!!

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Wow, that's comforting. Maybe once pregnant I'll feel like I really want me and the baby and FH to share a name. I know it's not right away - but it's comforting to know I might get there one day.

Thank you!!

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thats a good way to think about it! bc im SURE you want to have the same last name as your child!!! im sure you'll get used to it

Thank you to everyone who responded!!

I just want to say - this is not really about how my FH feels. I care very much about how he feels, but he is really behind me in whatever I do in the end. This is more about how I feel. I feel guilty and bad that I don't want to take his name - and I think I'd feel that way even if he were jumping for joy about me keeping my own name.

I think another upside is that I don't have to change my name right away - so I can really maybe make a gradual change if I decide to make one. Maybe people will just start calling me by my married name and then I'll get used to it and then I can change it.

Hopefully I will figure it out, but I am so glad to know that many of you feel the same!!! Thanks guys!!!

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Posted by JB1122

I don't want to take FH's last name. I love my name and I have a family history that I am SO proud of and I want to remain associated with it by keeping my last name.

I feel so horrible and guilty over it. I just tried to picture what the name on my door would say at work, and what my voicemail would say, and how I'd sign court docs if I were to take his name or hyphenate...and I just DON'T WANT TO and I don't know what to do about it. I WANT TO WANT TO! But I don't

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I feel the same way, I LOVE my last name, so much history to it, my last name is my town's name in Greece, lol. How about hypenate it, you get to keep both, I think that is what Im going to do

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Posted by MPAS

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Posted by JB1122

I don't want to take FH's last name. I love my name and I have a family history that I am SO proud of and I want to remain associated with it by keeping my last name.

I feel so horrible and guilty over it. I just tried to picture what the name on my door would say at work, and what my voicemail would say, and how I'd sign court docs if I were to take his name or hyphenate...and I just DON'T WANT TO and I don't know what to do about it. I WANT TO WANT TO! But I don't

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I feel the same way, I LOVE my last name, so much history to it, my last name is my town's name in Greece, lol. How about hypenate it, you get to keep both, I think that is what Im going to do

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I wish I could post my last names so that everyone could see how INSANE it would be to hyphenate them, lol. Let's put it this way, my last names ends in 'quet' and his ends in 'ookler' LOL.

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Posted by JB1122

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Posted by MPAS

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Posted by JB1122

I don't want to take FH's last name. I love my name and I have a family history that I am SO proud of and I want to remain associated with it by keeping my last name.

I feel so horrible and guilty over it. I just tried to picture what the name on my door would say at work, and what my voicemail would say, and how I'd sign court docs if I were to take his name or hyphenate...and I just DON'T WANT TO and I don't know what to do about it. I WANT TO WANT TO! But I don't

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I feel the same way, I LOVE my last name, so much history to it, my last name is my town's name in Greece, lol. How about hypenate it, you get to keep both, I think that is what Im going to do

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I wish I could post my last names so that everyone could see how INSANE it would be to hyphenate them, lol. Let's put it this way, my last names ends in 'quet' and his ends in 'ookler' LOL.

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OHHHHHHHHH never mind dont hypenate, lololol, Im sorry

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Posted by lwny427

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Posted by BoxOfRocks

In threads like this, I see women agonizing over what they are going to do, worrying themselves sick about offending FH, declaring that FH insists that they change their names. It's the twenty-first century--if certain FHs are so concerned with having the same last names as their wives, why don't the FHs change their names?

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When I talked to FH about not changing my name, his reason for being completely okay with it was 'I would never want to change my last name, and I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't be willing to do myself'. I thought that was very fair. I was so happy and relieved that that conversation was not difficult.

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Awesome!

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Posted by MPAS

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Posted by JB1122

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Posted by MPAS

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Posted by JB1122

I don't want to take FH's last name. I love my name and I have a family history that I am SO proud of and I want to remain associated with it by keeping my last name.

I feel so horrible and guilty over it. I just tried to picture what the name on my door would say at work, and what my voicemail would say, and how I'd sign court docs if I were to take his name or hyphenate...and I just DON'T WANT TO and I don't know what to do about it. I WANT TO WANT TO! But I don't

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I feel the same way, I LOVE my last name, so much history to it, my last name is my town's name in Greece, lol. How about hypenate it, you get to keep both, I think that is what Im going to do

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I wish I could post my last names so that everyone could see how INSANE it would be to hyphenate them, lol. Let's put it this way, my last names ends in 'quet' and his ends in 'ookler' LOL.

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OHHHHHHHHH never mind dont hypenate, lololol, Im sorry

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LOL I still might do that, but if I do I'll NEVER introduce myself by the hyphenated name. I'll just either say my name or his name depending on the audience. AHHHH, I guess I have time to experiment and figure it out!

I didn't take my DH's last name. We went for our license and I filled it out with his name, but I never changed it anywhere else. My SS card, driver's license, payroll, bank accounts etc are all still in my maiden name. When we have to sign things, I often feel self-conscious-like I am a bad wife. I just have to remember that changing my name is not a sign of how much or how little I love him, but rather an antiquated tradition that equated a woman's identity with that of a man-first her father, then her husband.

However, when we send Christmas cards, invitations etc., I just use his last name for the return address.

Just remember that this is a highly personal decision and nobody should influence your ultimate choice. I know a lot of women who kept their last names. I think if it is weighing on you this heavily, you already know your decision.

Good luck!

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Posted by JB1122

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Posted by PEPE10

well it's a big decision, have you talked to him about it -how does he feel- don't feel bad you are not the only woman in the world who feels this way - if it means that much to you to keep it then you should

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He does know about it, and he is somewhat sad about it, but he is being understanding. He is hoping I'll keep my maiden name in my professional life and use his last name in my personal life.

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I was going to mention that. My gfriend didnt take her husbands last name and shes kept her name professionally. I can understand your point but that sounds like a good compromise.

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Posted by babieblueeyez96

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Posted by JB1122

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Posted by JeanetteandSteve

my SIL had the same problem. i will fully admit that my current last name is AWEFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and she went from having a really nice last name to taking my brother's. she was so upset about it, she used to complain all the time.

but it's been 3 years and she has TOTALLY embraced it. they have a baby now, and ever since she became pregnant it was like it was THEIR family name, and she's been really happy about it.

i hope you end up feeling the same way...but if you really feel that strongly, maybe you should talk to him about it??

good luck w whatever you do!!!!

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Wow, that's comforting. Maybe once pregnant I'll feel like I really want me and the baby and FH to share a name. I know it's not right away - but it's comforting to know I might get there one day.

Thank you!!

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thats a good way to think about it! bc im SURE you want to have the same last name as your child!!! im sure you'll get used to it

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Just to respectfully disagree - I won't have the same last name as my child one day, and I'm okay with it. My friend has a different last name as her mom too, because her mom really wanted to keep her last name, and my friend is proud of her. I think I will feel like I am my child's mother, regardless of what our names our.

I understand women who would feel strongly about having the same last name as their child, but again, these are all personal decisions and preferences! JMO.