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Worried.. confused.. very long (Update! with happier news)

Pookiesangel Posted:

Worried.. confused.. very long (Update! with happier news)


UPDATE:
First I would like to thank all the girls that posted here or FM me with their kind words of support and some really good advice.
After two nights of some serious heart to heart, we have made a game plan for our 'joint' savings, and starting in June will start saving into one account, for wedding and moving related stuff.

On the FMIL front, I think I finally got him to understand my feelings and explained to him that her word are hurtful and cause me undue stress. And how it makes me feel when he sides with her. We came to some agreements on how to handle her in the future, and he's actually happy we talked about it, because it was really stressing him out as well.

So I think we will start making progress, and we might even do couples therapy if we feel we aren't making enough progress in bettering our communication with each other.
He expressed to me his concerns, and he is worried he won't be a good husband or provider, I told him once we get married it's no longer, this is mine, that is yours, it's ours, and that seem to help calm him and reassure him.

Again thanks girls for all your help, I really feel much better.






GoingNutty Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

Wow, I really hope everything works out for you!
treilly13 Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

I don't have any advice but I am very sorry that you have to go through this I hope it all works out for you and your FH.
anjer4 Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

i'm sure you'll work it out..just let him know how you feel.

May2704bride Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long



I am at loss for words but i wanted to give you some hugs and wish the very best to you.

FLaCaTaCa Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

I am going to FM you Pookiesangel....This is deep!!!

JP&EP Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

I too hope all works out. One thing I can say is that money issues tend to be the thing most married couples argue about. Just bare in mind that the debt he brings into this marriage will be something you end up having to deal with also. As for the FMIL issues I can't say much about that just good luck and try somehow to communicate your true feelings with him. Not in anger or anything, just take some time together to really talk.

Best of Luck to you
kel2004 Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

Wow, that is a lot to deal with. I think you are on the right track. Communication is key, and even if you are having trouble communicating now, you have to keep trying.

IMO, your FI needs to ignore his mother. He has to decide where his loyalty is. You cannot play second fiddle to his mother for the rest of your life.

Congrats to you for losing so much weight. Good luck with your further weight loss. Just remember that you are doing that for yourself, not for your FI (who loves you anyway) and certainly not for his mother.

brideinapril Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

Oh, wow, I don't really have any advice, I feel so badly that his mom is doing this to him, I can't believe a mother would put down her own child like that!!
That is horrible, I looked at your profile picture and you both look very happy, you are beautiful!!! HIs mom needs to be put in her place. He needs to stand up to her, which is probably very difficult for him since she's probably been putting him down since birth, using his handicap against him. That is the most dreadful thing. The more I talk the angrier I am for both of you!!! You guys definetly need to save your money and get him out of there ASAP!!!!!
I wish you the best of luck, sorry I don't have much advice.
Bebalina Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

I don't have any advice either ...i hope it works out, just try to remember y u got engaged in the first place, and talk things out, ....everything will work out....just be patient....u have all of us to vent too...
we;re here for u!!
steph4777 Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

So sorry you and FH are going through this right now.

Have you guys started counseling yet? I know that some people go to Pre-Cana group sessions, but if you can try a few where you guys talk individually to a priest or pastor. We had 4 one-to-one sessions and it really helped bc we were a lot more open. You tend to speak more freely when there aren't other couples. Our pastor helped us resolve our issues with money. FH was against having a joint account bc he thought he would loose his independance and have to 'ask' for money.

Good Luck
divabride Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

We all get into our fights...so its nothing major to worry about. FI and I used to get into some vicious arguments, but it was because we werent communicating properly. We both had other underlying issues with each other that we werent saying. Bottom line is a few session of couples therapy will do wonders. Check your healthcase insurance, because most of the time this is covered. Just because you fight, doesnt mean you dont love each other. Remember that. You just need some help getting through the rough spots, and its better to do it now - then after your married!!
drewsgirl Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

lillian771 Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

It sounds like you and FH love each other very much and should be able to work through your problems. His mother definitely sounds like a huge issue, and unfortunately when you get married you also marry your inlaws. You and FH should open up your lines of communication and be a team. If you stick together then no one can come between you.

MCDO15 Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

hugs and more hugs

as for the money issue - maybe you both can work together at the debt thing? when you get married, you will face it then...mind as well face it now... i'm not sure how couples say whats mine is mine and whats yours is yours... now it's about the both of you.

don't worry what other people have to say to you. know how you are and life will be great

everything will be great..just stick with it
Donna Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

wow - sorry you're dealing with all of that.

As for some advice - you can def. deal with the $$$ issue. You two should plan out the next several months and see where you can save, cut corners, etc. Put your FH on a payment schedule for his debt. You'll see it go down in no time.

As for your weight and FMIL issue - congrats on your weight loss! Get back that motivation, with the warm weather coming you and FH can do outside things and save $
I can't understand why a mother would say that and I'm sorry! She def. doesn't sound like a contender for Mother of the Year.
all you and FH need to do is stay true to yourselves and want you want your wedding and married life to be like.
btrflygrl Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

FM me if you'd like....I have self esteem issues with my weight also and was involved in a relationship such as yours where HIS mother constantly ragged on my about my appearance (NOT DH, a long time ago). At some point, your FH should choose you...you are his future and if his mother doesn't like it, TOUGH. If HE'S the one with doubts, that's something the 2 of you need to work out ASAP!
Pickle Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

I really hope you work things out.

it sounds he knows how happy he is with you, so things his mother says (like a lot of annoying things our parents say to us) will go in one ear and out the other.

on the debt issue, that's hard. maybe you can compromise? He gets his debt down to a certain goal, and puts the difference (from what he would usually pay for debt) in savings? it may not be all that you want, but is better than nothing?

And congrats for losing all that weight! that's wonderful, you keep at it - don't be discouraged.

Good luck!
Robeymuse Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

When we went into counseling with our priest he really put everything in perspective for us. Families get crazy around weddings. They are upset that their lives are changing. You are stepping into his life in an important role. It sounds like his mother is having a hard time dealing with that. She may feel like she is the primary caregiver for her 'disabled' son and it made her feel important. Adjusting to new roles is hard.
Remember during all of this, it is not about anybody but you and him. You fell in love in the first place and want to spend forever together.
You are beautiful the way you are, don't let his mother cloud your own self-worth
MrsNYPDsGirl Posted:

Re: Worried.. confused.. very long

I agree with Robeymuse. It sounds like his mother is having a hard time dealing with her new role in her son's life. I would talk to your FH about this. Does he know how much her comments are hurting you? Maybe he could talk to her about it for you. As for you, congrats on all of your weight loss! That is soooo great. Weight is such an emotional issue and we all struggle with it in some way or another. (Side note: Your FMIL and mine should go out to lunch sometime... sounds like they'd get along fabulously!)!

As for paying down his debt, maybe he could put 1/2 of his money into paying down his debt and the other 1/2 into his savings for your home together? Not sure what kind of debt he has, but hopefully he has already looked into refinancing or getting one of those 0% credit card deals!

My FH and I have not had the greatest experience during our engagement thus far (See my recent post 'I'm marrying a groom-zilla'). All I can do is pray things get better -- I may look into doing Pre-Cana sooner or couples therapy as it seems to have worked for many other girls on here! Best wishes & good luck for your future together!!!!

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