Worried.. confused.. very long (Update! with happier news)

with the money isssues it might help to go on a realistic budget, that way he can also see the debt decreasing over time..

as for the fmil, do you think it would help if you sit down with her and tell her how you two love each other, and that its hurtful to hear that she doesnt want you two together... most important, make sure you fh knows that you love him...

Weddings bring out the best and worst of people. Many 's for you!! To me it sounds like your FH needs to talk to his mother and then after that you and he need to have a talk.

I am sorry that you are going through this. Congratulations on your weight loss. You should be proud of what you have accomplished this far. Don't let her take that away from you!!!!

---

Posted by Robeymuse

When we went into counseling with our priest he really put everything in perspective for us. Families get crazy around weddings. They are upset that their lives are changing. You are stepping into his life in an important role. It sounds like his mother is having a hard time dealing with that. She may feel like she is the primary caregiver for her 'disabled' son and it made her feel important. Adjusting to new roles is hard.
Remember during all of this, it is not about anybody but you and him. You fell in love in the first place and want to spend forever together.
You are beautiful the way you are, don't let his mother cloud your own self-worth

---

Great advice Jenn!!!

I'm sorry, I think you need to talk to FH about his mom and say that she's really negative, and he shouldn't pay any mind to what she says.

Money is usually an issue with getting married unless someone's parents are paying for it which isn't too common these days! You just have to compromise over saving. Maybe he can put a set amount towards everything each month.

First I would like to say a big thanks for all the hugs and words of support.

I am seriously considering couples therapy. I think it would help us alot, especially with bettering our communication.

I vent to my own mother alot, but I am also afraid, that she will become disappointed with FH, for not defending me from crazy FMIL.
I just feel like all my hard work, on helping better his self-esteem, and giving him a chance to have his own independence finally is for nothing because she keeps pulling him back in..
But I agree, its seems like she is having some trouble adjusting to the new woman in his life.. but I am here to stay so she better get used to it !

I guess today, after a rough weekend, I needed some moral support.. and as usual you all came through :)

Thanks as always,
Jennifer

---

Posted by Pookiesangel

But I agree, its seems like she is having some trouble adjusting to the new woman in his life.. but I am here to stay so she better get used to it !

---

There ya go!!
THat's the attitude. If you love him you'll get through this. It may not be easy but you'll both be closer because of it.

Money issues I understand. I too make more than him and in better credit standing. But as a couple we consider it our money and our debit. I dont hold it against him and he doesnt hate me for making more. You figure in the long run both of you will contribute equally. After all it is for richer or poorer.

Dont let her bring you down. Thank god you're there to help him out and know he isnt a sub-classed person because of his hearing.

I was born with Waardenburg Syndrome which causes deafness. I am only partially deaf in my left ear but did inherit the pigmentation anomalies (different colored eyes and a grey/white streak in my hair). I got called all sorts of mean names and treated cruelly in my life (still do) but you need to help him realize that you love him for what he is. And you have apparently.

Dont let her poison you to believe you are less of a person that you are. You've done a lot to get where you are today. Be proud of that. If you have pride in yourself and self-confidence then your FH will of course see it and feed off that. He obviously loves you and wants to marry you because of that. And you love him for him not because you had to 'settle' for him, so keep that love alive and ignore hateful things.

Good Luck!

I second a lot of the thoughts of the other girls. It seems like she's having a hard time dealing with letting her son go and couples therapy may not be a bad idea. As far as the money issues go, you should work something out so that you are both contributing to future plans- both the wedding and buying/renting a place.
In reference to your last post, I would be careful about telling your mom too much. I know you love your mom, and she's probably one of your best friends, I know that's how I feel about my mom, but don't put your mom in that position. Not only does she want to listen to your problems and be your friend, but in a perfect world she would also like to run around and fix everything for you. The problem with that is, since she can't protect you, she may start to resent FH and you don't want that. I made the mistake of telling my mom too much about FH and our fights when we were younger, and it took her some time to feel confident that we were meant to be together. Now that we're older (we've been together almost 9 years) she can't wait for him to be an official part of our family.

I hope everything works out for you. I'm sure you will make the right decisions. My husband and I bickered about $ before our wedding too.


We bought a house while we were engaged and we were pretty tight. He had debt as well and we compromised....

Before the wedding: he would make weekly payments to his credit cards and I would make payments to both our wedding fund and savings fund.

After the wedding, we are still paying off some of his debt and pay bills with the rest of his paycheck. We put mine in savings and towards other investments.

As for your mil...maybe you can take her out to lunch and try to have a civil conversation with her. Hopefully, if she hears your concerns face to face, she may ease up a bit.

Gool luck!

First of all, I clicked on your profile, and I saw your picture. I think you are beautiful, but to top that off, you seem like such a beautiful person on the inside. Maybe FMIL is having issues with her son getting married, or maybe she is jealous in your confidence in yourself. In anycase, don't let her bring you down. JMO she kind of sounds like a miserable person who can't be happy for other people, and misery doesn't just love company, misery loves miserable company! Don't let her make you miserable! Good luck with everything

i am so sorry. this is a very stressful time for all of us and you need to resolve these issues before anything else. sit down w/ your FI have a real heart-to-heart and express your concerns. it seems that both of you have some insecurity and self-esteem issues. although it is not easy to change these feelings overnight, w/ the help and support of one another, it will happen in time.

as others suggested, seek counseling and really be open w/ your feelings. again things will not change overnight. you need to be patient and respectful of each others feelings, concerns, and uncertainties. once you can acknowledge and accept this, things WILL get better.

First of all- I too looked at your profile and you are beautiful. And congrats on the weight loss- that is awesome and you should be proud of yourself. Atleast you are trying and I give you alot of credit. It definetly isn't easy to do! so keep up the good work.

Second- Money issues- money isn't everything and everyone has debt. it is just a part of life and things are just so expensive. I too am in debt and my FI has accepted me for that. Along with the good you always must take the bad. A great book to read is one by Suze Ortman. It is called the Road to wealth. It has everything you need to know in good times and bad times. It is a great book- she also has a talk show on TV. I follow alot of her advice. she helps with dept and any $$ questions you have...good luck

And lastly- the FMIL -ugh. sorry she is a problem for you. But remember that is his mother and she is going to stick up for him no matter what. I know people say that when you get married, you marry the mother. well that is true- but remember you aren't living with her. and you could always move. (hey now that's a plan)
Yeah she will still be a part of your lives but atleast you have escaped her and maybe only see her during holidays.

As long as you communicate with your FI you will be fine.

Good luck to you!

I don't think you're having doubts at all. If anything, you want to fix everything so you can enjoy this happy time in your life. My friend told me the only time her and her DH fought was during the wedding planning. This is a very stressful time with lots of changes for everyone. No one's saying it won't be a challenge, but you two will get your own place and stand on your own as one. His mother needs to understand that she did a great job raising him, but has to let go because you will now be there for him. She has to take a back seat and probably doesn't like it.

I think you should discuss it with your FH and explain how you're feeling. He needs to understand that you now come first, as you are his future. His mother continues to influence his thoughts and it's time to cut the apron strings.

From your photo, you look beautiful and happy. Losing weight is not easy, and if you feel that is what you need to do, then do it at your own pace. Weight is not an indication of beauty or of someone's worth.

Most of us have money concerns (I know we do) and yes we argue about it. But remember that even arguing is a form of communication, and the argument will subside and then you can continue to discuss to come to a resolution.

Don't let all of this throw you - it's just showing you that at times things can be difficult and you have to be there for each other to get through it. You'll figure it out.

I have a questions re: your FH deafness and how is mother handles it? Did she encourage him to learn sign language? Did he go to a hearing school? Does he sign?

The reason why I ask these questions, is because this may be why he has self esteem issues that affecting your relationship.

I majored in Deaf Education in college and I was around deaf and hard of hearing students and their parents. There is a large deaf and hard of hearing community who look at the loss of hearing as a culture not a handicap. I noticed the parent(s) who embraced this way of thinking and who encouraged their children to communicate the best way that worked for them did much better academically and socially.

I don't really have too much to add that everyone else didn't already say. But I guess it doesn't hurt to hear it again - you are beautiful and you guys do look incredibly happy in your pictures. I think that divabride's suggestion of couple's therapy is probably a really good one. It will help ease some of teh stress between you two but more importantly, it is an unbaised outsider that may be able to get FH to see what you've apparently tried to about his mom and how he needs to put you first without worrying about her. Good luck!!!!!

I think a lot of couples go through their moments of doubt. I can remember when DH and I were engaged for about 6 months and he got into a fight with his mother and I saw a side of him I've never seen before, I seriously doubted if I wanted to be in a life long commitment with a man who had such a sudden and scary outburst like that. But then I realized all the good things he has done and what a truly loving person he is and I was able to overcome my doubts.

As for your FI mom, in my personal opinion, she is jealous that you have her little boy now and he no longer 'needs' her. You need to show your FI that you love him and that your not going to get him into a tug of war with his mother, his mother needs to let go of her insecurites.

Your weight should not be an issue to his mother since he has no issue with it. She is looking for any excuse.

My FH has a really good job. Was able to pay off all his bills. I on the other hand work a crappy job since I quit my other job where I was being harrased. I hate not having any money. My FH pays for mostly everything. We just moved in an APT. and I couldn't even afford to chip in for the rent or the security deposit. After the wedding I want to get another job so I can afford things. I am so depressed lately cause of the money issues but u know what Everyone has the money problems. EVERYONE. The year I was born my parents couldn't afford anything. My dad said he had to borrow 10.00 for bread and milk. Now my parents can go on vacations which was definetly not what they could have done back then. IT will get better I promise. There are rough times.

Now on to the weight thing. I am heavy. I saw your picture in your profile and you are Beautiful! Don't Let anyone tell you different. His mother has no right to say anything like that. The fact that you lost 200 pounds is awesome. His mother doesnt have to live with you or even like you. He has to. My FH and I broke up years ago and his mother said to his sister (who told me) I am so Glad he dumped Kristin. She was overweight Worked at Kmart and he could do so much better! Well guess what B*tch. I am marrying him. You dont have to like me or think Im beautiful He does and Thats it. Mike honestly doesnt like the 'playboy (airbrushed) model types' I will say wow look at that girl She is pretty and he will say she is to Skinny. I cant believe she would even say something about you like that! I know neither of you are 'settlng' for each other. You love each other and thats all that counts. Hang in there. And FM me if u need to talk!


ETA: I just read Stacey's Post and I so agree with everything she said!

JEnn!! You are beautiful---inside and out...

Your FH is a very lucky man...your patience and love and understanding are what makes him love you even more...you are a very special person to be able to cater to his needs as far as being legally deaf...he undoubtedly loves you for you....don;t let his Mother get in the way....he is in a bad position..his mom is losing her little boy....tyou are replacing her...and its all for the better....seeing you guys still live at your homes, it going to make that move a little more difficult for his mom...she sees his special needs as a handicap, where you embrace it, and give him the self confidence and encouragement...you are a savior to him....

As far as losing 200 lbs, you are great! It takes a strong willed person to be able to accomplish that! Be proud & stand tall!!

Jenn, if you ever need to talk please FM Me...I am here to listen!

You have Fourm Mail

I second the other's opinions on this thread. You are beautiful, don't let anyone make you feel otherwise...ever!!!

I do think it best that you talk to your FH about this further....maybe even show him this thread. He will have a better understanding for your feelings. Couples counselling might be a good idea too.

You might want to confront your FMIL. She needs to know that what she is doing is not right at all... and in time can blow up in her face and push her son away.

As far as the money issue.... it may take you a little longer to get down the path, but you'll make it!!!!