WOW - need advice

maryb Posted: Apr 11, 2006 09:29 PM

WOW - need advice

so im in a wedding next month for a good friend from college.. the shower and bachlorette party are this saturday... SOOOOO

she calls me today in tears b/c she has found out her FI has been lying to her the whole time they were together (3yrs).. lied about his job (which he has none.. his money.. he has apparently used her name, SS#, and gotten credit cards in her name and now -SHE has thousands of dollars in debt!!!!! she confronted him and he bugged out on her (she didnt go into detail) she is at her parents house now..

they live together - her parents built them a BRAND NEW HOUSE!! they have two puppies together.. life was moving along and looked great..

im still going up there (buffalo) this weekend to hang out (no shower or bach party) we will go out to eat, staying at a friend's apt (not going to her house)and im bringing college pictures to laugh and drink with...

but my question is would you stay with a person like that???

i have to be a strong friend and hope she will get away - i might kill him if i see him.. but i will also be there if she decides to stay

Tracy&Brian Posted: Apr 11, 2006 09:34 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

I am confused...she still wants to stay with him??? Is she mental? Leave him and have him arrested.

lilred13 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 09:34 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

WOW thats a tough call. I think I would leave cause I have been in a bad relationship before. The only thing I can suggest is be there for her like you said you were and get her through, whatever her decision. Hope everything works out. keep us updated!

I agree!! I would definately call the police!!

JohnnysGirl350 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 09:35 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

As scarry as this is going to be to read, I would keep in mind the horrific things in the news over the last year from men like that. Men who lied to their wives about jobs and money and when the wives found out, the ended up.... well you know....

I think she is lucky to have found out now, but seriously, what kind of a foundation is that to build a marriage?

If I had a friend in the same situation, I would tell them to RUN, not walk away from that man!!!

I'm so sorry for her...

SweetCin704 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 09:37 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

Mary, my first impression would be to leave his ***, pronto, but I think for the time being they need time apart & both need some time to seriously think this over. I mean basically the 3 years she lived a lie. Yet obviously she loves him & him/her. Yet how could she ever trust him again. I think rash decisions shouldn't be made, but I think she really should talk to someone professionally.

I don't even know what to think/say, she must be in shock. So sad.

All you can do is be there for her now & listen to her, don't lecture or say 'you should.' (but you knew this I'm sure)

nickipa Posted: Apr 11, 2006 09:39 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

WOW I think you just have to be there for her. I know for me, I couldnt marry someone without being able to trust him, I would be out the door right after I called my laywer!!! Please send some hugs her way

sr081906 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 09:39 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

OK.. The guy has lied to her, stole her money through credit cards, probably ruined her credit.... just to name a few.

Is that really a question whether she should stay with him?

What she should do:

- Gather as much info as she can on the damage that he has done
- Go to the police and report the identity theft.
- Sue his a$$

maryb Posted: Apr 11, 2006 09:44 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

ooh -im gonna cry...thanks girls.. it just so not real right now.. ive been sick to my stomach but i knew i needed to write to real brides-to-be...

she is soo worried about our dresses and the presents we bought - she doesnt even think about herself !!- i told her i dont give a damn about any amount of money right now and she shouldnt either...

its not a good foundation to marry on.. no way could i trust him - and i dont believe in pre-nupts - but if she decides to be with him - i will YELL at that wedding ceremony if one isnt signed..

ewickens Posted: Apr 11, 2006 09:57 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

She needs to get out of this destructive relationship - not only is there the trust issue - but he stole her identity by getting credit cards - and if he's been lying this long - there may be more she's not aware of!!! Have her call the credit bureou as soon as possible to see what damage is done!! This will ruin her if she doesn't act now!!

NinaChris07 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 10:01 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

I think if he has lied about SO MUCH... it won't change

he is pathological and trust is a HUGE issue for a relationship

JPand TT Posted: Apr 11, 2006 10:02 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

I know it is a tough situation. I think she's very lucky that she discovered this now. I'm sure she is in love with him, but she is just setting herself up for even bigger problems in the future if she stays with him. It could turn out to be an even bigger disaster. It's going to be very hard in the begining but she has to do the right thing and leave him. She's lucky she has a good friend like you to help her through this.

JazzyT Posted: Apr 11, 2006 10:02 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

Absolutely nothing to debate, he is a liar and a thief...double whammy....your friend does not need someone like that around her.

kittythestray Posted: Apr 11, 2006 10:04 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

I have learned no matter what you think, no matter how HORRIFIC the guy is or what he has done to her, the woman will usually stay or go back to him... So I am always just there to listen and not be judgemental. I think it's great that you will be there for her. It takes a REALLY strong woman to walk away from something like that, I hope she does, though! THREE YEARS - I can't even imagine how much he was lying to cover his tracks!

bride2b24 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 10:07 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

i agree with the rest of the girls.....marriage not an option......and his a$$$ would be in court

Mdolph6 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 10:10 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

OH MY GOODNESS......I am so sorry for your friend. I would not think twice, I would kick him out of the house and then take him to court to have him pay back all the money he owes. 3 years of lies, that is not something to take lightly.
My heart goes out to her, I am sure having you around this weekend will help her alittle, but after all that there is no room for negotiating getting back together.

maryb Posted: Apr 11, 2006 10:25 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

thanks girls.. will post this weekend - maybe from up there.. i have the biggest headache now - sleep will be hard - thanks soo much for all your replies!!

sr081906 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 10:26 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

Hang in there!!!!

becca888 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 10:35 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

Yet obviously she loves him & him/her.

JMO, but I'm thinking it's not so obvious that HE LOVES HER. He found a very comfortable, convenient relationship and he USED her.

How sad, so sorry...

donegal419 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 10:54 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

I would get out of there ASAP!!!! he lived a lie for over 3 years. A marriage must be based on MUTUAL trust and committment. It is going to be hard for her, but she needs to say Adios and pronto!