WOW - need advice

Original post by maryb

Apr 11, 2006 09:29 PM

so im in a wedding next month for a good friend from college.. the shower and bachlorette party are this saturday... SOOOOO

she calls me today in tears b/c she has found out her FI has been lying to her the whole time they were together (3yrs).. lied about his job (which he has none.. his money.. he has apparently used her name, SS#, and gotten credit cards in her name and now -SHE has thousands of dollars in debt!!!!! she confronted him and he bugged out on her (she didnt go into detail) she is at her parents house now..

they live together - her parents built them a BRAND NEW HOUSE!! they have two puppies together.. life was moving along and looked great..

im still going up there (buffalo) this weekend to hang out (no shower or bach party) we will go out to eat, staying at a friend's apt (not going to her house)and im bringing college pictures to laugh and drink with...

but my question is would you stay with a person like that???

i have to be a strong friend and hope she will get away - i might kill him if i see him.. but i will also be there if she decides to stay

scappy123 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 10:57 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

If it was me, i would leave him, if he has been doing this for 3 years and she had no clue, what else may he have done? Too much uncertainty, but you do need to be there for her and provide her with lots of support and encouragement, hopefully, she will come to her own opinion and make a good choice.

Colleen1230 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 11:12 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

Posted by scappy123

If it was me, I would leave him, if he has been doing this for 3 years and she had no clue, what else may he have done? Too much uncertainty, but you do need to be there for her and provide her with lots of support and encouragement, hopefully, she will come to her own opinion and make a good choice.

That's what I was thinking. If he was able to get her to believe for the past 3 years that he has been going to work everyday, and was able to cover up stealing her money, then who's knows what else he has done. That is only what she found out, it will proably take her years to find out the full extent of the damage. I feel really bad for her.

Gin-Char 104 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 11:13 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

WOW I am so sorry to hear that ......but Honestly the first thing that came to my mind was drugs/alcohol....gambling? These individuals are the BEST LIERS....and ACTORS therefore I agree that if he lied about his job, money what else is he not coming forward with ...sounds Like a sociopath to me! I would ask her what she is hoping will happen and take it from there....good Luck!

CIV578 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 11:35 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

I would leave his sorry a$$

AlliNMatt06 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 11:41 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

I would say GOODBYE!! Tell her to run not walk.

Vicky423 Posted: Apr 11, 2006 11:49 PM

Re: WOW - need advice

OMG wow! I would show leave his a$$, as well as take him to court. Man thats was some lie, geez stories like these piss me off.

2Be1 Posted: Apr 12, 2006 12:06 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

I couldn't agree more with the other ladies. To find this out a month before your wedding must really hurt. My heart and prayers go out to her. She has been greatly deceived and that is no way to start out a marriage.

afrodyt2000 Posted: Apr 12, 2006 12:08 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

No way! He committed Identity theft against her, it's despicable and I could not condone that. I hope she finds the strength that she needs to leave him and sue his a$$.

October Bliss Posted: Apr 12, 2006 01:11 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

My gut says I would (and she should) leave his azz in a heartbeat. However, reality is often very different when faced with a given situation. Until you walk in another's shoes and actually experience what they are going through (or go through it yourself) you never really know what you will do.

Your friend is probably caught up in this dilemna, and from what you posted about her concern for the amount of $$ you have spent on your dress etc, it seems to me she is at the very least in denial somewhat.

My recommendation for you, as her friend, is to listen to exactly what she has to say. Try hard not to judge - either her OR him. The reason I say not to judge him is because she might decide to stay and you don't want to be the bad guy for calling him names etc. Don't be afraid to ask questions. (How she found out etc). Make sure she knows
you will stand by her no matter what choice she makes. Also let her know that the amount of $$ she has laid out for the wedding is not enough of a reason to go through with it. A relationship without trust isn't much of a relationship. What he did with regard to CCs is illegal, and she should take immediate steps to put a fraud alert on her SS# with all the credit reporting bureaus, notify the district attorney in the county she lives in for possible criminal charges, and notify the attorney general's office.

My mother was invited to a wedding @ 3 years ago, and the week before the wedding the bride called her and told her the wedding was off. Six months later she found out from the bride's mother that the groom had done exactly what your friends FI did (the whole made up job, CC's etc).

It takes a very very strong woman to walk away and cut her losses. I hope your friend is strong enough. Good luck this weekend!

Bigbroad555 Posted: Apr 12, 2006 01:18 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

If he can do this and lie about this what else can he do..

I would leave him and have him arreseted on fraud charges...

PegaLega Posted: Apr 12, 2006 02:48 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

Thats a toughie...'in good times and bad' and I know they arent married yet-but lying is a HUGE no no especially in a relationship.
I would never be able to trust him with my financial things EVER!
But then again, during 3 years you can fall in love with someone and not want to leave. I would post pone the wedding until he has his $hit together. Its not right to put her in debt b/c he is a lazy a$$-she needs to figure out whether this is something she might be able to get past in the future or if it is always going to be an issue!

Keep us posted, its stinks but you just need to be there for her no matter what decision she makes

aliwnec10 Posted: Apr 12, 2006 09:06 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

okay see now when i read your post i had one question in mind... how on earth did she not realize that he didn't have a job? Where would he go in the morning? Would he get all dressed up? 3 years is a pretty long time to put up a cherade like that.

My opinion... i know its easy for us to say RUN and to leave him. But she has had a life with this man and it must be really hard for her. But here's my take on it and it has to do with more than just lying. The man does not respect her and respect is a huge thing. How can you sit there for 3 years and lie to a person on a daily basis and on top of that... spend their hard earned money without their knowledge. A man who's willing to go to such lenghts as to use her SS# and create credit cards for him to use... well i just don't know what to say about that. That is one desperate man and if after 3 years he feels the need to hide who he is from his fiance... then there shouldn't be a marriage right now.

I'm sorry your friend is going through this.

bournebride Posted: Apr 12, 2006 09:15 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

Posted by sr081906

OK.. The guy has lied to her, stole her money through credit cards, probably ruined her credit.... just to name a few.

Is that really a question whether she should stay with him?

What she should do:

- Gather as much info as she can on the damage that he has done
- Go to the police and report the identity theft.
- Sue his a$$

I hate to say it but you are right, she needs to start thinking on how she is going to protect herself from all the crap he got her into.

JandJ1224 Posted: Apr 12, 2006 09:18 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

She really should press charges against him for the credit card fraud, she shouldn't be left with all that debt!!!!

Chelle Posted: Apr 12, 2006 09:24 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS stay with a lying rat b a s t a r d like that!!!!

RUN AWAY!!!! RUN FAR FAR AWAY!!!

And DEFINITELY press charges.

Tina120206 Posted: Apr 12, 2006 09:37 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

Omg. That is awful. As much as I'm sure it hurts, she has to leave him. To do these things before they are married is unbelieveable. She deserves better. She should press charges as she's at it.

PrincessRose Posted: Apr 12, 2006 09:43 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

It's easy for us to say, of course, but she NEEDS to run away from this jerk. She confronted him and he 'bugged out'???? If he were worth holding on to, he would've apologized then and there. Clearly he's a liar, but when the pressure's really on, he cracks. I'm concerned that he'll hurt her the next time the pressure's on.

It's not her responsibility to help him. Don' t you think she's helped him enough already???

And PS - sell all his possessions on e-bay. You know, to pay her back for all he's stolen.

SunBride07 Posted: Apr 12, 2006 09:46 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

She should DEFINITELY leave him! How can you marry a man that you cannot trust?!?! He has lied to her for the past few years and sounds like a con artist! My friend was in a similar situation this past summer and because she spent some many years with him she was pulling toward working things out and being with him - you have to remind her that he IS NOT the man she think he is because the man she was with the past few years does NOT exist (because he lied to her)! She has to remain strong and drop him!

Summer101 Posted: Apr 12, 2006 09:48 AM

Re: WOW - need advice

This actually happened to someone I know- Her sister met this guy and thought he was great- They got married and had a child together. He said he worked somewhere and he also said he was in college. One day she called his work and they said he didnt work there and then she called the college and he was never enrolled there either. He lied about his name, job, took credit cards in her name and she left him and moved back with her parents. She came to find out he had been in jail 3 times and he had done the same thing with about 3 other girls. Your friend should RUN!!!! The girl still has to go to court appearances in FLorida to get full custody of her daughter.