You won't believe what my mother did....

I have all the Save the Date Cards...well, she came over my house, took a bunch of them, and has been sending them to people, without telling me, people I specifically said I DID NOT want at the wedding (a step-cousin who hasn't spoken to me or my family in over 15 years, more of her relatives who are so far removed that they're like 5th cousins).

I am furious, it just wasn't right for her to do this, and she knew it was wrong, that's why she 'stole' the Save The Dates and wouldn't tell me until now.

My FI has all of 10 people coming to this wedding for him (most of his family are not coming, they are soooo far away, and they're J ERKS!)
If anyone is going to add to this list, it's going to be him, he has a ton of friends that he wants to come, but originally we decided that it would just be family, because my parents wanted to keep the number down to around 130.

It's frustrating, because she keeps telling me that she's paying for the reception (just Flowefield, nothing else).,...so she has the final say!

FI and I are paying for EVERYTHING ELSE! We are spending DOUBLE what her and my father are spending. BUt in her eyes, it doesn't matter.

That was very wrong of her, Iwould be upset too.

WHOA. OK that is WRONG. BIG TIME WRONG. She should NOT have taken those cards behind your back. If she already sent them, there probably is not much you can do, but her desire to keep the guest list at 130 is now blown out the window. She's paying for the reception, fine. Have FI invite WHOEVER he wants!! Not your problem, she's payin.

so sorry this happened. i would become gene mutation of bridezilla.

that's terrible!
i think you need to sit down with her and talk about this!
she needs to understand that it's you who is getting married!!!
im so sorry

I would be mad too. Tell her she now has to call and uninvite them.

I know there's not much that can be done at this point. She invited them, and she WOULD NEVER uninvite them.

The worst part about all this....
my father is stressed out BIG TIME because he didn't want to pay above 130 people.

So, FI will have all of 2 tables at the wedding!!!

I thought about telling FI to just invite his friends anyway, but we don't want to do that, because the person who will 'pay' (meaning stressing out about it) is my father. My mother doesn't have a care in the world, she is not in reality.

FI and I could in reality give my father money for the 'extra' people, but I just feel that it's wrong, and we just shouldn't have to do that.

As it is, FI and I are paying AT LEAST $50,000, possibly more when we get finished (band, photographer, prints, albums, flowers, videographer, honeymoon, tuxes, donation in lieu of favors, limos, and everything else you can think of, except for the bridal gown and the hall, my mother was sure to pay for that so every time we argue about something she throws that in my face.)

My FH only has about 40 people coming to the wedding. Half he doesn't know, his father invited. He has a very small family. 40 was actually stretching it. The other 200 guests are my family so I know how you feel about that. Did you talk to your parents about him inviting his friends. Since he has a small family, he should get to have a few more people there to support him. We sort of gave my FH's father a limit. We told him he could invite X amount of people.

FI actually doesn't have a small family, but most of them are not coming because they live out of state.

Months ago we discussed with my mother that FI would be the one to add people...and we had a long conversation, explaining everythiing all the reasons...she agreed.

But she still does what she wants.

I am just so upset with her...she keeps saying that she doesn't care how much money FI and I are spending, she's paying for the actual dinner, so she has the final say, WHAT???
She's just so selfish and irrational.

Moms will be Moms. It stinks but we have to put up with them. Just think once your married she will have to back out of your life a little.

Ouch! That was really rude of her... Did she apologize? Does she at least know that what she did was wrong? Good Luck sweetie

I think what your mother did is VERY wrong & sneaky. But count yourself lucky that your parents are paying for your reception. Many brides do it ALL themselves. And a Flowerfield reception doesn't come cheap. It sounds a little ungrateful to say they're ONLY paying for 130 people (though I don't agree that she has final say because she's paying - its YOUR wedding).

if it means a lot to FH to have some extra people there, isn't that worth paying for? Why is it 'wrong' for you & FH to contribute some additional $$? Its unfortunate that its now come to that, but I'd hate for you to regret leaving these people out, after its all over.

Good luck with you mom - I think you'll need it

What can I say, I very emotional right now...I'm very hurt by my mother's actions right now...but of course I am grateful. (In a few hours things will be more in perspective and I'll probably say, 'that's my mother, oh well,' but right now I'm upset and I think it's ok for me to sound off)

What I meant by ONLY 130 people...THAT's the minimum, you can't go lower at FLowefield...so it couldn't be 110, or 90.

What's wrong with contributing money....what's the $50,000 that we're handing over????? Nothing??? Yes, we could contribute MORE money, and heck, looks like we will...I just hate the idea that my mother made sure that the majority of that 130 was for her and she did it behind our backs!!!

We all sat down together, made a 'Master List', we all agreed on it........and she continued to invite people behind all of our backs. It wasn't right.

Lisa, I don't mean to sound nasty and from all the posts you've written, I think you're a really nice person, but I just don't think it's fair to say I'm ungrateful...

sorry, Kathy. I didn't mean to say you were ungrateful AT ALL. Just that your post came off that way - probably just because you're so emotional.

Like I said, I totally agree with your anger and hurt towards your mother. Vent away - I was just offering a different perspective on how to get your FH friends there.

Thanks Lisa...I understand...I was just super emotional...I'm calming down now.

It's just not cool what she did, but like I said, that's her.

And I know what you mean about not cutting FI's friends because they are important. These are new issues we have to deal with, but I do appreciate your view, and I hope I didn't come across nasty towards you,

no worries

Planning a wedding is an emotional time- I had TONS of these arguements with my Mother- but looking back... it's just a party and what's important is what comes after the wedding.

Your mother shouldn't have gone behind your back.. but it is yours and your DHs wedding- your parents' paying for Flowerfield is a gift, not a right. With that said- it's a party in HONOR OF YOU AND FI- so while your mother should have her friends there to celebrate, so should your FI- I would sit down with her in a rational, non-crying, screaming manner and talk to her about it. Tell her you understand that she wants her friends to celebrate, but so do you and FI. Obviously the original agreement did not work out- so how are you going to work it out moving forward? I don't think having the 'who spent more money' contest is going to work out.

As for the 50k you are spending- that is your choice. You do not HAVE to spend 50k on the band, flowers, photographer, etc... if it's an issue of money- then don't spend that much. It would probably seem fair to say that most girls spend 50k or less on their entire wedding... so it can be done.

It's not a money issue, heck, we were going to pay for the entire wedding, but my parents INSISTED on paying for the reception.

THat's all I'm going to say, I don't want this thread to turn into some big drama or judgment day for me.

All I wanted to do was vent and I did. Thanks for hearing me.

and you're so right...it is a very emotional time, this is not the first mother/daughter disagreement about the wedding. I think a lot of it has to do with her reliving her wedding.

My mother, father, FI and I are getting together Monday night to discuss the 'new' guest list, and to explain that this is it...no more people.

Just want to give you the other side-

When I wanted to beat my mother up I would think...'in the end this is all to celebrate the love between FI and I'.... just keep your eye on the prize kid- don't sweat this!