what do you think ...

the other day, DH said we should join a reform temple and start going and although i have nothing against temples, it's just not for me. I celebrate the holidays on my own (at home). To me, going to temple to be a waste of time and energy.

Anyway, I'm mad at DH for bringing this up 3 weeks after we got married but not ever mentioning it before ... it's like 'hey, now that you're stuck with me, i'm going to start making you do things you hate and you have no choice'. Our whole relationship, he's been anti-synagogue (saying how he used to be forced to go with his family when he was young and how boring it was and how he hated it). i kind of feel like he was being deceptive in not telling me that he did in fact want to start going.

i pretty much told him i refuse to go ... but he can go on his own. but i'm still hurt about him acting one way before the wedding, and a diff way after.

i thought women were the ones who change after marriage, not men ( ) .... what the ef?!

Re: what do you think ...

i actually feel you're being a little harsh on this one.

Compromise and go at least once and if you really hate it and feel it's a waste of time, then say it.

Re: what do you think ...

well, i've been to reform synagogue services before ... in fact, i dated a guy who wanted to be a reform Rabbi (he ate more bacon than me ). i hated going - it was not fun ... and i hate the idea of 'wasting' my weekends for that.

i don't really mind the fact that he wants to go ... more so the fact that he mentioned it only after we got married.

Re: what do you think ...

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Posted by Alyssa79

i actually feel you're being a little harsh on this one.

Compromise and go at least once and if you really hate it and feel it's a waste of time, then say it.

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i have to agree with alyssa! i think you're being a little harsh.

maybe the wedding ceremony made him want to go? i know that the priest at my stepdad's funeral did such a wonderful job that we all wanted to go to church after that... but it wasn't the same so it didn't last too long i really don't think he is being deceptive or trying to make you do something you don't want to do. go once and if you hate it, don't go again! rabbis/priests make the whole experience so you may love it at one place while you can't stand going at another.

Re: what do you think ...

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Posted by brittndave
maybe the wedding ceremony made him want to go? i know that the priest at my stepdad's funeral did such a wonderful job that we all wanted to go to church after that.

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, good theory ... but our rabbi at the ceremony was kinda boring.

Re: what do you think ...

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Posted by Alyssa79

i actually feel you're being a little harsh on this one.

Compromise and go at least once and if you really hate it and feel it's a waste of time, then say it.

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ITA. I feel like you're being a little harsh on the guy. I don't know your husband, but I doubt the months leading up to the wedding he was thinking 'Oh man, I can't wait to spring this on her after we're hitched!' Did you ask exactly what brought this about? And I don't see the big deal if he wants to do it- so long as he doesn't make a big deal about you not going, let him go if he wants to!

Re: what do you think ...

I dont necessarily think youre being harsh on him... if you dont want to go you dont have to... but he can go on his own... just because he hasnt mentioned it before doesnt mean he hasnt thought about it...

Re: what do you think ...

Maybe he's thinking about the future and kids? I know a lot of people change their opinions on things once they have kids, or think about having them. Just a thought.

Re: what do you think ...

DH is not a church person but we joined one because a. we wanted a place to get married and b. when we have kids we want to take them to church to teach them about religion and we wanted to find a place that we liked and felt comfortable going. I figured we could go once a month or whenever we felt moved to go because the priest there is amazing. But after our wedding he was so happy with the way things worked out (the priest and the congregation) that he decided he wanted to keep going regularly. Eventually we just got so busy with other things (mixed in with the fact that the church is 20-25 minutes away from where we lived) that we did end up going only 1-2 times a month and DH didn't care so much about going anymore. So maybe this is a phase with your DH brought on by the fact that he went through a major life event and it didn't suck so bad?

I think either way you need to let him do what he wants. Go one time to show that you support him and then don't go again if you really hate it. And just tell him outright that your beliefs are a little bit different than his and you want to practice them your way but he can do his, his way. Religion is a really touchy subject that people will grapple with and change their minds about a lot throughout their life so it's not worth causing a huge fight about. Just be honest and let him have his own beliefs, because essentially that's what you're asking for too.

Re: what do you think ...

anyone can have a change of heart ... and things that werent so important then, can be more important now... for whatever reason... seems to be the beauty of marriage- we all have to roll with the punches KWIM? Just tell him what you told us, you're not interested in doing that at the moment, you've been there done that, but if he wants to then he should for himself... you too might even have a change of heart down the road!

Re: what do you think ...

It was probably the amazing wedding ceremony you two had that made him think that way... maybe go with him a few times and then it'll all come flooding back how boring and such it is and then he'll drop it on his own. i doubt he'll want to do it every weekend, so maybe you can go for just the high holy days or something or go a lot at first and then he'll remember why he didnt like to go before.

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maybe he is having a change of heart because he is thinking about your children (if those plans are on the horizon)
mmy mom dragged me to church every sunday when i was a kid. most o f the time kicking and screaming when i was little, then as a teen i did it on my own cuz i joined the youth group. now she only goes during holidays and some saints days. when she was younger she was more active in the church too. it goes in circles i guess.

did you guys ever discuss how you were going to raise your kids in regards to religion? that could be where he's going with this.

Re: what do you think ...

Maybe with the holidays this week and next, he's feeling like he'd like to be a part of a temple to observe the days?

Maybe now that he's married, he's thinking about children and wants to build a relationship with a temple?

Who knows. I'd still go at least once with him to be supportive for him.

I go to the mosque on occasion with DH; he attends church with me on occasion. While the former isn't 'for me' and the latter isn't 'for him', the fact that on occasion we go to these places of worship together strengthens our relationship and discussions about religion.

Re: what do you think ...

thanks for all your comments, ladies

I'd like to clarify that i never told him that he's not allowed to go ... i'm absolutely fine with him going on his own. but i don't want to be dragged into it because i know it makes me miserable.

as you girls suspected, he mentioned our future-kids as the reason that he started thinking about it ... but we don't want to have children for at least a few more years .... so why start this talk of synagogue now?!

he also mentioned that it'd be a reform temple so we could go for the community aspect and 'meet people'. i don't see what's wrong with the people we have.

plus, i just don't get it ... he ALWAYS told me how he hated going to temple when his parents forced him to go ... so what changed now?!

Re: what do you think ...

maybe he just figures now that you are married he would like to go with his wife...if u dont want to go he should understand but if it was me i would go every once in a while so everyone is happy

Re: what do you think ...

I agree with you on this one. If you don't want to go don't go.

Re: what do you think ...

i agree that you shouldn't have to go if you dont want to go. He can go on his own if he feels like he wants to start going.

I don't think he was necessarily lying to you before the wedding. Maybe he just had a change of heart?!

Re: what do you think ...

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Posted by AwaitingAugust

thanks for all your comments, ladies

I'd like to clarify that i never told him that he's not allowed to go ... i'm absolutely fine with him going on his own. but i don't want to be dragged into it because i know it makes me miserable.

as you girls suspected, he mentioned our future-kids as the reason that he started thinking about it ... but we don't want to have children for at least a few more years .... so why start this talk of synagogue now?!

he also mentioned that it'd be a reform temple so we could go for the community aspect and 'meet people'. i don't see what's wrong with the people we have.

plus, i just don't get it ... he ALWAYS told me how he hated going to temple when his parents forced him to go ... so what changed now?!

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Sorry I think you meant my comment- I didn't mean to make it sound like I was accusing you of not letting him go to temple. I don't think you would do that! lol!

Maybe it wasn't really temple that he hated when he was younger but the fact that he was FORCED to go? Now it's completely up to him!

Re: what do you think ...

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Posted by jilliibabii

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Posted by AwaitingAugust

thanks for all your comments, ladies

I'd like to clarify that i never told him that he's not allowed to go ... i'm absolutely fine with him going on his own. but i don't want to be dragged into it because i know it makes me miserable.

as you girls suspected, he mentioned our future-kids as the reason that he started thinking about it ... but we don't want to have children for at least a few more years .... so why start this talk of synagogue now?!

he also mentioned that it'd be a reform temple so we could go for the community aspect and 'meet people'. i don't see what's wrong with the people we have.

plus, i just don't get it ... he ALWAYS told me how he hated going to temple when his parents forced him to go ... so what changed now?!

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Sorry I think you meant my comment- I didn't mean to make it sound like I was accusing you of not letting him go to temple. I don't think you would do that! lol!

Maybe it wasn't really temple that he hated when he was younger but the fact that he was FORCED to go? Now it's completely up to him!

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i would be open to it once. you will be going as 'different'people now. now your'e married and, like churches, i imagine that temples have social events. maybe DH just wants to explore whats out there. give it a chance, and if you dont like it you dont have to do it. it might be fun just for the social aspect.

Re: what do you think ...

I agree that maybe your wedding ceremony made DH want to be more involved but if youre not into it then dont go....just because he wants to be more involved doesn't mean you have to.

Just because you are married doesn't mean DH and yourself have to be connected at the hip...you still have your life he has his and then you have the life you share.