1st year difficulties?

Hey Ladies - I am new to the Newlyweds section (yay!).

I wonder what your experiences are in relation to your first year of marriage. So many people are telling me to beware, that the first year is really hard.

Have any of you experienced that? If so, did it start right away? What were the fights about??

Thanks in advance for sharing.

Re: 1st year difficulties?

Money's not fun - yours, his, ours - you have to get used to the idea that your money is not yours anymore, that he may spend some of *your* money, wheras before, you knew where every cent went. Also, expenses increase, and that's a b*tch.

Re: 1st year difficulties?

I think it depends on your situation prior to marriage. For instance my DH and I didnt live together before, whereas my MOH did live with her DH for 2 years. So when she got married and people asked her how's married life, she felt like telling them it was the same as before. THey had already worked through their 'issues'.
DH and I love being married, but its has been more of an adjustment than I thought. Money isnt really an issue with us. More with us it has been little things like neatness or how a person does certain things. For instance, my DH is a neat freak, I am not. So the fact that I may leave dishes in the sink for 2 days if no one says something bothers him. With him it bothers me that he doesnt know how to compromise on things such as where I leave the mail when I bring it in.
Basically with us it has been learning to bring together our two lives and our ways of doing things.
Overall I think God that I have him, we have had to deal with some really really really hard stuff since we have been married (the hospitalization of my mother) and I really dont know what I would do without him. I think we are lucky in some ways, dealign with the HUGE family things we have has put in prespective the fact that he puts his feet on the coffee table when we watch tv!

Re: 1st year difficulties?

it's strange because we moved in together 5 months before we got married.

once all of our furniture arrived, and we unpacked is when we started to deal with each other's differences.

He is the only child of an Italian (from Italy) mother who never worked outside the home and didn't come to this country until she was 39 years old.

me: my parents got divorced when I was 4 and my mom ALWAYS was out working.

Hence, I had to teach my husband how to wash a dish. That's right- he didn't even know how to wash a dish.

So, once we started living together, I used to think, 'OH MY G*D...'

but, when all is said and done, all of our ideals are the same, we have the same goals for the future and there isn't any major problem that we can't work through.

But, before getting married, I got a 'free sample' of what living together would be like.

I don't know how I would have felt if, after the honeymoon, I learned for the first time that my husband did not know how to wash a dish...

Re: 1st year difficulties?

we lived together before getting married, so far nothing has changed. (which is a good thing)

Re: 1st year difficulties?

I agree with kelly9904. DH and I did not live together before marriage. And it has been an adjustment to each other's habits and way of life pre-marriage. Cleaning habits, idiosyncrasies (BIG TIME) and meshing our schedules. Money is not an issue for us.
I do admit we have had more bickering sessions now that we did when we were dating but these sessions never last more than 1 day or more than an hour or two for that matter - we never go to bed angry and we have gotten the communication thing really down pat.
GOTTA COMMUNICATE :)

Re: 1st year difficulties?

So far we haven't had any major obstacles. The normal money management stuff. The cleaning up after ourselves. And the idea of quality time together that doesn't consist of him staring blankly at a TV show, unable to respond if I ask him a question.

Our biggest obstacle will start on Sept 27th, when he starts his MBA studies and we will hardly see each other.

Re: 1st year difficulties?

I think it's the whole 'I'm not a single person anymore' perspective that changes everything. It seeps over into so many issues; finances, emotions, living arrangements, etc. It's like your senses on all levels are heightened because you're 'married' like your spouse is supposed to be 100x more the person you expect him/her to be because of that committment. You take things more personally and there are other dynamics that don't exist before marriage (or that do exist but are sort of swept under the rug or causually passed over because you still have an out). I know I'm not making sense but I know in my situation I was super-sensitive of his and his families misgivings AFTER marriage because I felt like my entire life was on the line. Like 'How could he be so insensitive, we're MARRIED', 'How dare he/they take advantage of me, we're MARRIED', etc. Whereas before I was like 'Well screw him, I'm still single and I can get out of this mess if I can...'. I still know I'm not making sense...

Re: 1st year difficulties?

We didn't live together before the wedding but, honestly, no real issues. We both work too much, lol but, otherwise we are happy - haven't found it difficult, yet, thank god

Re: 1st year difficulties?

Money

Money

Money

[or should I say, the lack thereof...]

Its less than 2 months into our marriage, and so far that is the only thing we have problems about.. and the main thing we have trouble reconciling ...

We did live together for nearly a year before the wedding, yet it STILL seems more of an issue now than it ever was before

Re: 1st year difficulties?

we lived in the same house, but separate rooms (his parents house) and the major issues we have are our sloppiness.....his dropping clothes wherever, half full glasses and my not doing dishes right away (I'm sooo tired). I am still finding it hard to let my feelings out and what I am thinking and therefore explode.

we're doing really well with money...I've taught hime to be a really good 'jew'....we make fun of each other all the time (nothing deregatory, I'm jewish). We're not materialistic and only buy what we need....although I'm having a horrible thing with hoarding food.....I buy more than we need because I'm afraid of NOT having it (I think it stems from not having alot of food when I was a kid)

Re: 1st year difficulties?

We did not live together before we got married either. I'm not afraid to say that the first 3-5 months of our marriage was a little rough. And it was just like some of the others said - it's the meshing of how we both do things and how we like things to look. Also a division of chores was a little rough, but we've come to compromise on that a lot. Money has not been an issue for us so far (except who couldn't use a little more of it!)

Now after 2 years, we couldn't be happier and more in love.

Re: 1st year difficulties?

well today is my anniversary and i don't think the first year was all that difficult. we lived together for about 7 months before the wedding so we had already gotten used to the different habits and figured out how to divide up chores. we really haven't had any money problems yet since we keep small amounts of money in seperate accounts to be used for things like when i want expensive shoes. and in general we agree on the things we want to spend money on. but its so different for everyone...

Re: 1st year difficulties?

I'm in the middle of year 3, and its been smooth sailing pretty much.

Our first year was wonderful! We had already been living together for a year, and there wasn't much to 'adjust' to. Its was the same, and yet somehow more special.

I think the most stressful thing to our marriage so far, has been the move back to NY (Jan04) and learning how to deal with the demands of his family and mine.

We had a lot more time for just us in CA...

Re: 1st year difficulties?

Just coming up on our one year anniversary, and I have to be honest in saying its been the best year of my life. Yeah we've had fights and we didn't live together until after the wedding. Living together took some getting used to, the adjustment wasn't so bad though. I think its mutual when I say that we both love the idea that we have someone to come home to everyday thats like hanging out with your best friend every day of your life.....with perks

Re: 1st year difficulties?

DH has a hard time recognizing that there is no 'mine & his' that stuff is now 'ours'....to a really bad extreme, like he wouldn't let me take 'his' truck one night when me & my sis were driving to Philly to see Prince,and we were running late b/c I had a blowout on the SSP...I was like - if it is *our* truck, why cant *I* drive it. (mind you I had the exact same truck right before we were married, so it's not like I didn't know how to drive it.)

The $$ stuff is taking a bit to get used to....I am not used to *justifying* my purchases.....to be honest with you I don't know if I'll every get used to that one.....

Nothing Life-threatening though, just a couple of newlywed kinks

Re: 1st year difficulties?

I am at the 6 month mark and the biggest problem was getting adjusted to how we each run a household. We didn't live together before and it took some getting used to with cleaning and cooking and laundry, etc. All the unglamorous stuff. All in all, it has been great. We had alot of fights in the beginning, but we have both relaxed and hardly have a fight anymore.

Re: 1st year difficulties?

I didnt find the first year to be hard relationship wise. What I found hard, was finding a condo, getting the contract/mortgage, moving in and getting settled. It was a lot of work. Everything else is great, but there is always a need to compromise.

Re: 1st year difficulties?

Wow, I wish I could agree with those who said it was the best year of your lives!
It has been an adjustment and it's been slightly difficult at times. I will say, as we're approaching our 1 year anniversary, I finally feel as if we're on the same page as a married couple. Perhaps this had to do w/ him never going away to college and living at home until he was 30 years old? The fact that his mother did everything for him, being the only son, and him wanting that from his wife. Let me be the first to admit I'm no saint myself. I don't like it when things don't go my way . It's been a learning expierence and a challenge. We are definitely learning to communicate w/out him getting defensive everytime 'The Barone's' are mentioned... aka, his parents. We've both had to learn to commuicate w/out being defensive and taking things personally. This is on all topics from balancing the checkbook, doing the dishes, household things.... cars, and how we spend our spare time together.

Re: 1st year difficulties?

i think that living together before hand really does help alot because you pretty much already know what your expecting and have had time to adjust and know what your expecting. i dont think people change much after marriage i think most traits that get under your skin are there some people just think they will get better and usually dont.

we actually are doing pretty good so far with a few small things like me trying to be a better house cleaner. i am the opposite of suvens husband my mother always did everything for me and i tend to be a little oscar madison like lol. my dh and i said that if we can buy a house in the first year and survive its quick remodel we are going to be just fine lol
note we havent closed yet :