DH and I are still not doing well...

jen i am so sorry you guys are going throuh this

from your posts i really think its just stress from your schedules..

say u guys were getting married next yr,would these fighs still be happening?what i mean is is it the marriage that changed things or you guys just going through a rough patch and it happens to be after you got married?

if you ove him and he loves you andyou want to work it out,i think you guys should go to some counseling..it could really help

also,maybe him moving out and u guys taking some space is a good thing..see how you both feel...sometimes you just need some time and space to let your head and heart breathe a bit and figure out what they want

fm me anytime u want to talk and i really hope we can help you if you need anything

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Posted by gina409



say u guys were getting married next yr,would these fighs still be happening?what i mean is is it the marriage that changed things or you guys just going through a rough patch and it happens to be after you got married?

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I was giving this alot of thought last night and I thin it just happens to be after we got married. They just changed his hours at work about 3 months ago and now all of this stress and fighting is happening. Before this he was working a different shift that was not ideal but def. a little better and something we got used to..Maybe it will just take some time for us to get used to this new schedule and we will get back into the groove of things.. but what im worried about the most is what if we cant get used to it.

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Posted by JennyAPH

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Posted by gina409



say u guys were getting married next yr,would these fighs still be happening?what i mean is is it the marriage that changed things or you guys just going through a rough patch and it happens to be after you got married?

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I was giving this alot of thought last night and I thin it just happens to be after we got married. They just changed his hours at work about 3 months ago and now all of this stress and fighting is happening. Before this he was working a different shift that was not ideal but def. a little better and something we got used to..Maybe it will just take some time for us to get used to this new schedule and we will get back into the groove of things.. but what im worried about the most is what if we cant get used to it.

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ok so this is good...well what mean is..its just work/school/stress

i say that because i want you to remember that he loves you,LOVES YOU,and he married you because he does

now that does not excuse anything but its always important to remember that cause sometimes we get so angry(and i am so guity of doing this)we let the anger over ride the love

every marriage takes work and compramise and whoever say diffrent is lying..your rough patch came aftr 2 months,others at 2 years..all that matters now is if you want to work on it and from what u have written i can see how much you love dh..even as he is driving u nuts right now

i write this from the heart because i want you to be happy..your too beautiful a person not to have a smile on ur face...im no love expert,me and dh are far from perfect

i hope u guys can work everything out and if u need anything please please dont hesitate to ask

I’m so sorry to hear this… I have nothing else to say that hasn’t already been said, but lots of for you!

I justed wanted to offer you . I am afraid any advice I would give would be redundant. I do know that love prevails and if you love each other you will get through this.

check your fm <3

I'm so sorry to hear this news. Could it be the reason why you are so distant with one another is because you never see each other? Sometimes I feel that way with my husband. He works nights and is on a rotating schedule..I work days M-F and for almost a month when I am off he is working. And the days I am off he is sleeping cause he has to go to work at night.

I would hate for you to use the D word in a situation like this. I would take a few days away..get out of town for a weekand or pack up the girls and go onn a weekand trip. I would try to see what the problem is and work on things, especially in the name of love!!

First off, sending HUGS to you!

Listen, this actually is very common. I know this because when my Sister first got married, she dealt with the same exact stuff.

Eventually, things got so bad that they actually seperated for a while and went to counseling. After three months of seperation, they actually got back together and have been extremely happy ever since. Almost 7 years have passed and they are still going strong.

It's a HUGE adjustment. We all know that whether we did or did not live together prior to marriage.

It is going to take time, patience and the desire for both of you to want to work things out. I think meeting with a counselor is the way to go. If you guys both have your heart in this, you're going to make it. Hang in there girlie and please do not ever feel ashamed. Believe me, we can relate one way or another.

I'm sorry you're going through this Jen! I think the girls have given you some great advice.

Its hard when you live and are married to someone to 'make time' for eachother-it's so easy to get swept up in work, school, errands, families..remember to set aside time together each day-even if it's only for an hour.

I know you'll get through this-remember, it's not about how hard you guys fall, it's how you pick yourselves up and move forward.

Sending love and good thoughts

I went through something similar w DH, but I do not want to post it on here. If you want to talk, message me on FB since I do not come on here too often anymore.

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Posted by JennyAPH

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Posted by whtevjenny

I am really sorry to hear this!

Did you guys live together prior to getting married? If not, I know that when we first moved it, we fought ALL the time, and things did get better -- it's a huge adjustment.

Thinking of you!

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Yeah we lived together for a little over a year before we got married.

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I hope you didn't think i was saying that's a bad thing! So did we! I was just trying to pinpoint the timing -- but it seems like you have a good idea what the issues are, but now it's all up to the next step to how you want to deal with them. We had one really hard spot a couple years ago, and we went to counseling. Even just one or two sessions will at least get the ball rolling - because they sometimes ask things you never even thought of, and it's a 'safe place' to say how you feel without it rolling into a fight.

We're all thinking of you!

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Posted by JennyAPH

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Posted by pandafish519

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Posted by JennyAPH

Its so weird bc we were always perfect together and nothing really changed except the title of 'married' instead of 'engaged'... and I feel like it just all went to sh*t so fast. We have only been married 2 months and I feel like we have so much anger towards eachother. He is never around, he works nights and weekends and when he is around I am either at work or school.

I really have no other explination except that we are doing all the little things to hide the problem and nothing to fix it and I just decided I want some time to myself.

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i think that part of it might be the frustration of never seeing each other. when DH was working a lot, i felt a strange disconnect with him b/c we weren't spending any time together. maybe you need to make time some time for each other? that way the time that you do see each other isn't just about 'bills, responsibility, money, etc'

sending love your way...

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I think disconnected is a great way to describe it. When we do see eachother it is usually all business & no fun.. we don't have time for fun anymore. Since thursday I have literally seen him for a total of about 30 minutes and thats just in passing.

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Oh i totally agress with this . DH and I have been so busy and never see each other and it's VERy hard to connect after you are so used to your own routine. . then sometimes it feels like YEAH I get to see you and other times its like 'why are you in my space'

I think you will totally get through this though - go take some time for yourself and then when you have a breather just give it your all - and I think counselors can be great bc they will give you some real strategies on how to deal with integrating into each others schedules, communication etc!

Jenny,

1st of all I cried when I read the original post - I just felt SO bad for you both. I can totally understand the stresses of being passing ships in the night, and sometimes you have to literally come up with a set schedule of ok - since we're both off on such &such nights - we are going to do (this). Plan it - MAKE IT HAPPEN - dont just say you're going to do it - b/c that will only lend to more frustration, upset & disappointment.

Now as far as the letter - John Gray from Mars & Venus has this thing called a 'Love Letter' :
a very effective way to communicate in situations when difficult topics, situations or people make verbal communication tense and ineffective.

Grey's 'love letter' technique has five stages:

1. Anger. After a sentence or two explaining the nature and intent of the letter, the writer communicates his or her feelings of anger, resentment and blame at the other person. It basically involves variations of the sentiment 'I don't like it when you.....'

2. Hurt and Sadness. In the second section of the letter, the writer describes any feelings of sadness, hurt or disappointment that are present. 'I get sad when you....' is one example of a typical second-section sentence.

3. Fear. This next section lists fears and insecurities that the writer feels, as in 'I get scared when you.....'

4. Guilt and Remorse. In this section the writer shares any feelings of responsibility, regret and remorse that are present. 'I'm sorry that I.....' or 'I regret....' are typical examples of ways to begin a sentence in this section.

5. Love. The last section of the letter is the appropriate place for the writer to describe feelings of love, forgiveness and understanding. 'I forgive you for.....' or 'I really care about you and want to work this out' are good examples. The end of the letter is also the place to state a simple request or desire for an action on the part of the reader. 'I would like you to.....'

I think this technique is very useful for a number of reasons. First, the act of writing a letter has become so unusual that anyone receiving one is more likely to take notice of its significance than they would if similar feelings were merely being spoken to them. Second, a letter allows the writer to choose his or her words carefully, which often doesn't happen when people are trying to communicate verbally during the heat of the moment. Finally, a letter allows the reader to review what is being communicated as many times as she or he wants, increasing the likelihood that the message will be openly and carefully considered, while spoken words can rush by too quickly and are thus more likely to be heard or remembered incorrectly.

While nothing works all the time, this 'love letter' technique is a remarkably effective way to insure that the full range of emotions one person feels for another will be expressed in an organized and comprehensive manner that often leads to more productive communication than can be achieved by attempts to 'talk it out'.



I hope this helps some. You are in my thoughts & prayers & if you ever need a little upstate NY getaway - dont ever hesitate to FM me...my door is always open.

I dont know if you're adviced out, but I just wanted to let you know that its okay, and i know you are pissed, but I promise you this will pass. It sounds like your DH feels like he's losing control (by the immature 'bought yourself another shirt' comment) Did you share money before you got married? It sounds like hes just totally flustered that money he puts in is coming out. DH and I took almost 2 months to even get used to this (It was even hard for me). We decided that theres no spending on yourself unless it comes out of your weekly money, and that helped because the cash gives you some spending privacy and because you know the cash comes out once a week you arent constantly like W.T.F.

On another note, it also sounds like you two have totally lost the fun in all the business of being married, all the work and money and bills and fights about 'another shirt' and 'another late night at work'. So, my advice is to take an hour to yourself (I promise you can do this) and run on the treadmill like a loonatic, have a glass of wine (or 4) and detox... because you sound like me, and when i get mad, i want to fight it out, but then i get more revved up, and then i just crash and hibernate and nothing gets accomplished. When you calm down, you two need tickets to a comedy show, or a really funny movie, do something stupid like make smores in the microwave and watch the hangover. I promise the more you laugh, the less serious all this marriage buisness looks.

WOW Jenny!! I had no idea you were having issues. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you guys are going through this.
If you ever need to talk just FM or FB me!!
I'm terribly sorry!! sending some hugs your way....

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Posted by Tomlaur0808

Jenny,

1st of all I cried when I read the original post - I just felt SO bad for you both. I can totally understand the stresses of being passing ships in the night, and sometimes you have to literally come up with a set schedule of ok - since we're both off on such &such nights - we are going to do (this). Plan it - MAKE IT HAPPEN - dont just say you're going to do it - b/c that will only lend to more frustration, upset & disappointment.

Now as far as the letter - John Gray from Mars & Venus has this thing called a 'Love Letter' :
a very effective way to communicate in situations when difficult topics, situations or people make verbal communication tense and ineffective.

Grey's 'love letter' technique has five stages:

1. Anger. After a sentence or two explaining the nature and intent of the letter, the writer communicates his or her feelings of anger, resentment and blame at the other person. It basically involves variations of the sentiment 'I don't like it when you.....'

2. Hurt and Sadness. In the second section of the letter, the writer describes any feelings of sadness, hurt or disappointment that are present. 'I get sad when you....' is one example of a typical second-section sentence.

3. Fear. This next section lists fears and insecurities that the writer feels, as in 'I get scared when you.....'

4. Guilt and Remorse. In this section the writer shares any feelings of responsibility, regret and remorse that are present. 'I'm sorry that I.....' or 'I regret....' are typical examples of ways to begin a sentence in this section.

5. Love. The last section of the letter is the appropriate place for the writer to describe feelings of love, forgiveness and understanding. 'I forgive you for.....' or 'I really care about you and want to work this out' are good examples. The end of the letter is also the place to state a simple request or desire for an action on the part of the reader. 'I would like you to.....'

I think this technique is very useful for a number of reasons. First, the act of writing a letter has become so unusual that anyone receiving one is more likely to take notice of its significance than they would if similar feelings were merely being spoken to them. Second, a letter allows the writer to choose his or her words carefully, which often doesn't happen when people are trying to communicate verbally during the heat of the moment. Finally, a letter allows the reader to review what is being communicated as many times as she or he wants, increasing the likelihood that the message will be openly and carefully considered, while spoken words can rush by too quickly and are thus more likely to be heard or remembered incorrectly.

While nothing works all the time, this 'love letter' technique is a remarkably effective way to insure that the full range of emotions one person feels for another will be expressed in an organized and comprehensive manner that often leads to more productive communication than can be achieved by attempts to 'talk it out'.



I hope this helps some. You are in my thoughts & prayers & if you ever need a little upstate NY getaway - dont ever hesitate to FM me...my door is always open.

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Thanks so much for this

Thank you everyone for the great advice. I am going to write a letter sometime today. I think i made matters a little worse last night without realizing it. I went out after class for a few drinks with a friend, DH was working anyhow.. for some reason the fact that I went out drinking annoyed him. Not sure why, he is never like that. Maybe bc there were other guys hanging out with us, but they were just friends from class.

So now I feel guilty but I didnt do anything wrong and i had no intentions of making him mad

I will let you know how everything works out. Going to leave him this letter tonight and finally am able to see him tomorrow night and talk it out.

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Posted by JennyAPH

Thank you everyone for the great advice. I am going to write a letter sometime today. I think i made matters a little worse last night without realizing it. I went out after class for a few drinks with a friend, DH was working anyhow.. for some reason the fact that I went out drinking annoyed him. Not sure why, he is never like that. Maybe bc there were other guys hanging out with us, but they were just friends from class.

So now I feel guilty but I didnt do anything wrong and i had no intentions of making him mad

I will let you know how everything works out. Going to leave him this letter tonight and finally am able to see him tomorrow night and talk it out.

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Jenny don't feel bad about going out last night....you needed it! Anyway lots of Good luck with your letter hun!!!!