DH and I are still not doing well...

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Posted by JennyAPH

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Posted by MrsDrinkh20

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Posted by JennyAPH

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Posted by MrsDrinkh20

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Posted by JennyAPH

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Posted by MrsDrinkh20

Oh no...I am so sorry...have you thought about marriage counseling? Hang in there love..

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I would def. consider counseling but I have to get to the point of really wanting to do it. Right now im just all pissed and upset and I just don't even want to think about it or him

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'

Ok well we need to snap you out of that mode! Your feelings are SO valid..SOOOO valid...BUT it is important to not let them get in the way of you seeing the bigger picture...and it sounds like that picture is that you want to get through this rough patch. Have you talked about this with him?

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Thanks hun. I am hoping after tonight (have a huge presentation to do at school) i will have more energy to tackle the situation. I really just want some time alone. I feel so stressed when he is home and so blah... and lately its impossible to talk. I tried talking to him on the phone about it this morning (bc seriously we havent even had time to speak face to face in a week) and I said that I felt like he was being a little selfish lately. I said it nicely, and emphasized its just how i FELT and maybe its the reason why im so angry and instead of saying how he felt he replies 'said the girl who just bought herself another shirt'. I dont see how thats the point or how that is going to help. So i just hung up. I know i should have tried harder but im really freaking tired and have nooo desire to fight with him and be in a bad mood alllll day when I have a really busy work day and a huge presentation to do later.

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Oh my goodness Jen..I am so sorry...that wasnt nice of him to say as you were just trying to express your feelings. Get through your presentation and then go from there. Have you thought about writing himn a letter? I know it sounds cheesey but it will help you get your thoughts out and give him time to process without getting defensive (ie the shirt comment) and maybe you will actually be able to talk?

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My shirt was on sale for $25!!!

totally not the point but now im getting defensive

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hehe...too cute..i would definitely think about some time away (a couple days to clear your head) or writing him a letter...it always helps me to write things down!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I wish I had something helpful to say, but it sounds like you're going to be able to work through it. It's just going to take some time and hopefully some of the stress will be behind you soon!

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Posted by JennyAPH

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Posted by pandafish519

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Posted by JennyAPH

Its so weird bc we were always perfect together and nothing really changed except the title of 'married' instead of 'engaged'... and I feel like it just all went to sh*t so fast. We have only been married 2 months and I feel like we have so much anger towards eachother. He is never around, he works nights and weekends and when he is around I am either at work or school.

I really have no other explination except that we are doing all the little things to hide the problem and nothing to fix it and I just decided I want some time to myself.

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i think that part of it might be the frustration of never seeing each other. when DH was working a lot, i felt a strange disconnect with him b/c we weren't spending any time together. maybe you need to make time some time for each other? that way the time that you do see each other isn't just about 'bills, responsibility, money, etc'

sending love your way...

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I think disconnected is a great way to describe it. When we do see eachother it is usually all business & no fun.. we don't have time for fun anymore. Since thursday I have literally seen him for a total of about 30 minutes and thats just in passing.

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i definitely think that you guys, b/c of your crazy schedule, need to go out of your way to have a 'relationship.' one of the biggest things for me is when we spend 'time together' its actually time with one another. even as simple as walking around the mall, sitting on the couch with the TV off just talking, anything. i would talk to your DH about how important it is to make time for one another.

I think the fact that you guys are on completely different schedules is putting a strain on things. I know when DH & I are on different schedules we almost put too much pressure on ourselves when we do have time together that we end up being nasty. Being married in the beginning we can also put pressure on ourselves to be in the perfect newlywed bliss and it in most case isnt realistic.

I think stepping away from it for a day or two might do some real good. It will let both of you 'breathe'......and then you can work to get back on the right track.....

Jenn sometimes the pressure of knowing you signed the paper and committed to a long, healthy relationship can be life changing. Its a matter of taking it day by day and giving eachother a little space. I'm sure things will work out for the best!

Remember Venus vs. Mars!

Sorry to hear you and DH are not doing so well at the moment; but the girls have made lots of good points.

Take this time for you and it will all eventually work out in the end.

I'm sorry Jenny! I hope that this time passes over very quickly and you and your DH can start reconnecting. I second everyone's suggestion of going to a therapist (when it's the right time for both of you).


If it's any consolation, a friend of mine who got married I guess like 4 years ago went through a similar post-wedding phase. He and his wife had lived together beforehand and had dated for a few years prior. Once they got married, the first few months (maybe even the first year) got very sour, to the point where he didn't even want to go home to her after work. But now they're doing awesome, I think they went to counseling short-term.

We're all here for you!

Thanks ladies...

Our schedules are def. a huge reason why we are not getting along.

I also got mad at him for something and he doesn't understand why.. basically he had thursday night off of work so I got all excited and figured we can spend a night together. My project will be over with and we can just relax together. Then this morning on the phone he tells me his cousin asked him to work with him on a job (plumbing) and he said yes..but don't worry he will be home around '10 or 11'... which in john time really means closer to 12.

We are not hurting for money at all so I just dont understand why he had to say yes when this is our only chance to really see eachother for another week or more...and he doesnt understand why im upset about it. So i tried to explain but then thats where the shirt comment got thrown in.



ok im done whining for the day. I think i filled my quota.

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Posted by JennyAPH

Thanks ladies...

Our schedules are def. a huge reason why we are not getting along.

I also got mad at him for something and he doesn't understand why.. basically he had thursday night off of work so I got all excited and figured we can spend a night together. My project will be over with and we can just relax together. Then this morning on the phone he tells me his cousin asked him to work with him on a job (plumbing) and he said yes..but don't worry he will be home around '10 or 11'... which in john time really means closer to 12.

We are not hurting for money at all so I just dont understand why he had to say yes when this is our only chance to really see eachother for another week or more...and he doesnt understand why im upset about it. So i tried to explain but then thats where the shirt comment got thrown in.



ok im done whining for the day. I think i filled my quota.

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First, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Just by reading what you have written and the comment about the shirt maybe there are financial problems that you are unaware of and that is why he feels like he has to work that day with his cousin and his comment to you was about you buying another shirt rather than expressing his feelings.

Guys are weird and most of the time they never tell you how they feel but they will say things to you that hint to something that is going on inside of them. I really like the idea of writing him a letter. For me, it is the best way for me to communicate to someone how I am feeling and get my thoughts organized. If I don't do that and just start speaking my mind I usually end up saying some hurtful things and then my actual feelings about the situation are never clearly expressed because the anger takes over.

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Posted by JennyAPH

Thanks ladies...

Our schedules are def. a huge reason why we are not getting along.

I also got mad at him for something and he doesn't understand why.. basically he had thursday night off of work so I got all excited and figured we can spend a night together. My project will be over with and we can just relax together. Then this morning on the phone he tells me his cousin asked him to work with him on a job (plumbing) and he said yes..but don't worry he will be home around '10 or 11'... which in john time really means closer to 12.

We are not hurting for money at all so I just dont understand why he had to say yes when this is our only chance to really see eachother for another week or more...and he doesnt understand why im upset about it. So i tried to explain but then thats where the shirt comment got thrown in.



ok im done whining for the day. I think i filled my quota.

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Jen I'm so, so, sorry you guys are going through this I think it definitely has to do with your different schedules. I would definitely write him a letter about everything you're feeling. It's a good way to communicate when you 2 don't see each other much. See what happens after you do that. If things are still bad then maybe consider some sort of couples therapy. Jenny

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with everyone else that you should try marriage counseling. Also, try to talk to him. The more you keep things to yourself the worse they will become.

Good luck on your presentation. I hope everything works out for you and your DH.

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Posted by nraboni

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Posted by JennyAPH

Thanks ladies...

Our schedules are def. a huge reason why we are not getting along.

I also got mad at him for something and he doesn't understand why.. basically he had thursday night off of work so I got all excited and figured we can spend a night together. My project will be over with and we can just relax together. Then this morning on the phone he tells me his cousin asked him to work with him on a job (plumbing) and he said yes..but don't worry he will be home around '10 or 11'... which in john time really means closer to 12.

We are not hurting for money at all so I just dont understand why he had to say yes when this is our only chance to really see eachother for another week or more...and he doesnt understand why im upset about it. So i tried to explain but then thats where the shirt comment got thrown in.



ok im done whining for the day. I think i filled my quota.

---

First, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Just by reading what you have written and the comment about the shirt maybe there are financial problems that you are unaware of and that is why he feels like he has to work that day with his cousin and his comment to you was about you buying another shirt rather than expressing his feelings.

Guys are weird and most of the time they never tell you how they feel but they will say things to you that hint to something that is going on inside of them. I really like the idea of writing him a letter. For me, it is the best way for me to communicate to someone how I am feeling and get my thoughts organized. If I don't do that and just start speaking my mind I usually end up saying some hurtful things and then my actual feelings about the situation are never clearly expressed because the anger takes over.

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I actually handle all the finances so I know that financially we are ok.. we are better than ok... Sometimes I think maybe he feels bad bc I make more than him.. he is sooo obsessed with his salary and getting OT.. to the point that he would rather work OT then do anything with me. And i hate that bc I am so bored!! All my friends live in the city so I dont get out there too often and Im going stir crazy in that house.. especially with the upstairs neighbors and their damn parade everynight.

I will write a letter I just need to cool down before I do it bc right now its not going to be very nice!

Just take care in what you write in the letter. You can't take those words back once they've been written down and handed over to him. Be sure not to give him anything to throw in your face later.

I think the letter is a good idea, just use caution. (JMO)

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Posted by JennyAPH

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Posted by nraboni

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Posted by JennyAPH

Thanks ladies...

Our schedules are def. a huge reason why we are not getting along.

I also got mad at him for something and he doesn't understand why.. basically he had thursday night off of work so I got all excited and figured we can spend a night together. My project will be over with and we can just relax together. Then this morning on the phone he tells me his cousin asked him to work with him on a job (plumbing) and he said yes..but don't worry he will be home around '10 or 11'... which in john time really means closer to 12.

We are not hurting for money at all so I just dont understand why he had to say yes when this is our only chance to really see eachother for another week or more...and he doesnt understand why im upset about it. So i tried to explain but then thats where the shirt comment got thrown in.



ok im done whining for the day. I think i filled my quota.

---

First, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Just by reading what you have written and the comment about the shirt maybe there are financial problems that you are unaware of and that is why he feels like he has to work that day with his cousin and his comment to you was about you buying another shirt rather than expressing his feelings.

Guys are weird and most of the time they never tell you how they feel but they will say things to you that hint to something that is going on inside of them. I really like the idea of writing him a letter. For me, it is the best way for me to communicate to someone how I am feeling and get my thoughts organized. If I don't do that and just start speaking my mind I usually end up saying some hurtful things and then my actual feelings about the situation are never clearly expressed because the anger takes over.

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I actually handle all the finances so I know that financially we are ok.. we are better than ok... Sometimes I think maybe he feels bad bc I make more than him.. he is sooo obsessed with his salary and getting OT.. to the point that he would rather work OT then do anything with me. And i hate that bc I am so bored!! All my friends live in the city so I dont get out there too often and Im going stir crazy in that house.. especially with the upstairs neighbors and their damn parade everynight.

I will write a letter I just need to cool down before I do it bc right now its not going to be very nice!

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Awww hugs to you...please call me to hang out if you are ever feeling lonely!!! Id love to hango ut with you! I know how hard it is to have friends that don't live near you...all of my college friends still live in the city and most of my hs friends too!

Jen I am sorry you are going through this. If it is any consolation, the first year of marriage is deemed the 'most difficult'. Maybe you guys just need some tiime to get accustomed to being husband and wife. I think it is just a matter of time for you guys to work it out. Everyone has bumps the first year, you are not alone. I think it was an excellent idea one of the girls gave you to write him a letter. Letters can be read at his convenience at a good time for him (as opposed to catching him at a bad time at work when he can't talk, etc). Also, letters are not so emtionally charged (no yelling, etc).
I hope things work out for you. In the end however it works out is usually for the best. Hugs to you.

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Posted by JennyAPH

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Posted by nraboni

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Posted by JennyAPH

Thanks ladies...

Our schedules are def. a huge reason why we are not getting along.

I also got mad at him for something and he doesn't understand why.. basically he had thursday night off of work so I got all excited and figured we can spend a night together. My project will be over with and we can just relax together. Then this morning on the phone he tells me his cousin asked him to work with him on a job (plumbing) and he said yes..but don't worry he will be home around '10 or 11'... which in john time really means closer to 12.

We are not hurting for money at all so I just dont understand why he had to say yes when this is our only chance to really see eachother for another week or more...and he doesnt understand why im upset about it. So i tried to explain but then thats where the shirt comment got thrown in.



ok im done whining for the day. I think i filled my quota.

---

First, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Just by reading what you have written and the comment about the shirt maybe there are financial problems that you are unaware of and that is why he feels like he has to work that day with his cousin and his comment to you was about you buying another shirt rather than expressing his feelings.

Guys are weird and most of the time they never tell you how they feel but they will say things to you that hint to something that is going on inside of them. I really like the idea of writing him a letter. For me, it is the best way for me to communicate to someone how I am feeling and get my thoughts organized. If I don't do that and just start speaking my mind I usually end up saying some hurtful things and then my actual feelings about the situation are never clearly expressed because the anger takes over.

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I actually handle all the finances so I know that financially we are ok.. we are better than ok... Sometimes I think maybe he feels bad bc I make more than him.. he is sooo obsessed with his salary and getting OT.. to the point that he would rather work OT then do anything with me. And i hate that bc I am so bored!! All my friends live in the city so I dont get out there too often and Im going stir crazy in that house.. especially with the upstairs neighbors and their damn parade everynight.

I will write a letter I just need to cool down before I do it bc right now its not going to be very nice!

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Oh ok...I didn't mean to stir anything up. I handle all of the finances too. But you may be right about his feelings about you making more money than him. I think it is an ego thing with guys and no matter what we say or do I don't think they will ever be ok with us making more money than them.

I think you should actually write the letter now before you cool down because you will be able to get everything you are feeling out in that letter. Don't send it to him, just keep it in your draft. Then you can go back to it and re-read it and revise the things that you have said. This is what I do. I usually end up sending the letter a day or so after I have written it and had time to re-read it and revise the hurtful things I have said so that my feeling are clear without the anger.

As for the parade above your head....GRRRRRRRRRRR....that would drive me nuts and my only suggestion to that is a broomstick to the ceiling! lolol

You both need to put the blame and anger aside if you are ever going to reach a resolution. Asking your DH to move out when the under lying problem is that you do not have enough time to spend together is only avoiding the issue. It is really hard when you have very different schedules. Instead of making the little time you spend with DH all business put the business aside and have a little fun. Plan a date even if it is only for a few hours. The house work, bills, cooking and all the other responsibilites will still be there later.
During premarital counseling the books of John Gottman were recommend to DH and I- I read a couple and then DH and I listened to one of the books on CD- We listened in the car together and were able to talk about some of our issues using the senarios described in the book as a starting point. Take a look at The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

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Posted by MrsDrinkh20

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Posted by JennyAPH

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Posted by nraboni

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Posted by JennyAPH

Thanks ladies...

Our schedules are def. a huge reason why we are not getting along.

I also got mad at him for something and he doesn't understand why.. basically he had thursday night off of work so I got all excited and figured we can spend a night together. My project will be over with and we can just relax together. Then this morning on the phone he tells me his cousin asked him to work with him on a job (plumbing) and he said yes..but don't worry he will be home around '10 or 11'... which in john time really means closer to 12.

We are not hurting for money at all so I just dont understand why he had to say yes when this is our only chance to really see eachother for another week or more...and he doesnt understand why im upset about it. So i tried to explain but then thats where the shirt comment got thrown in.



ok im done whining for the day. I think i filled my quota.

---

First, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Just by reading what you have written and the comment about the shirt maybe there are financial problems that you are unaware of and that is why he feels like he has to work that day with his cousin and his comment to you was about you buying another shirt rather than expressing his feelings.

Guys are weird and most of the time they never tell you how they feel but they will say things to you that hint to something that is going on inside of them. I really like the idea of writing him a letter. For me, it is the best way for me to communicate to someone how I am feeling and get my thoughts organized. If I don't do that and just start speaking my mind I usually end up saying some hurtful things and then my actual feelings about the situation are never clearly expressed because the anger takes over.

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I actually handle all the finances so I know that financially we are ok.. we are better than ok... Sometimes I think maybe he feels bad bc I make more than him.. he is sooo obsessed with his salary and getting OT.. to the point that he would rather work OT then do anything with me. And i hate that bc I am so bored!! All my friends live in the city so I dont get out there too often and Im going stir crazy in that house.. especially with the upstairs neighbors and their damn parade everynight.

I will write a letter I just need to cool down before I do it bc right now its not going to be very nice!

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Awww hugs to you...please call me to hang out if you are ever feeling lonely!!! Id love to hango ut with you! I know how hard it is to have friends that don't live near you...all of my college friends still live in the city and most of my hs friends too!

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okie!

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Posted by FutureMrsG

You both need to put the blame and anger aside if you are ever going to reach a resolution. Asking your DH to move out when the under lying problem is that you do not have enough time to spend together is only avoiding the issue. It is really hard when you have very different schedules. Instead of making the little time you spend with DH all business put the business aside and have a little fun. Plan a date even if it is only for a few hours. The house work, bills, cooking and all the other responsibilites will still be there later.
During premarital counseling the books of John Gottman were recommend to DH and I- I read a couple and then DH and I listened to one of the books on CD- We listened in the car together and were able to talk about some of our issues using the senarios described in the book as a starting point. Take a look at The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

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I agree. I told him to leave out of anger and it will only make everything worse.

Its so weird bc with everything going on i love him more now than before if thats possible.. its just so hard to get along... but I want to. So I will look into these books and i will consider counseling and I def. will put my anger aside (once i cool down of course).

I know other couples that also went through really rough patches at first and are now amazing happy couples and it gives me hope.

With all that being said... Mr. Cranky Pants (my DH) needs to feel the same way and I dont know if he does bc he will not have an adult convo with me. I need to have a face to face but I literally will not see his face until sometime friday. So for now we just wait.. and cool down i guess.