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I know what I have to do

diva7531 Posted:

I know what I have to do

HeatherRose Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

I agree with you 110%!!! If I were your cousin I would also feel so uncomfortable that everyone else has to be 'put out' in a way and wear something because I have freakin cancer? No way... But going, and not wearing one, could look as if you don't support her if everyone else does. This is a tough one. I'd maybe speak with your aunt and explain (if your cousin isn't already aware that she's doing thins, and made no effort to stop it) that she's not 2.. And we all support her, but its a ridiculous idea.

diva7531 Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

portjeffbride Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

yeah, I'd wear a pink ribbon for awareness....

jtgarsik Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

i do agree that the bandana idea could go one way or the other (her feeling honored, or her feeling VERY uncomfortable)....so i would speak with ur aunt about maybe wearing the pink ribbons(i think that's a much nicer idea anyway). On another note, if they DO end up doing the bandanas, i think it would be more than a little awkward if you were the only one not wearing one. While WE understand ur intentions, she (and possibly other members of ur family) may take it as a very spiteful thing which is only going to cause more drama. Believe me, i COMPLETELY understand where u are coming from since u've had major issues with her, BUT i also think that u're a great person, and that you can rise above the issues. and i don't think it's you being fake...I think it's u simply honoring the fact that she's gotten through this despite ur differences. If you were to take part in whatever ur aunt is planning (bandana or no bandana), u'll rise above, be the bigger person, and ur cousin & ur family will respect u for that (past issues or not). hope this helps a little keep us updated and let us know how it all turns out.
Future Mrs. Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

I would definitely attend, and bring a bandana with you. Don't wear it in if you don't feel comfortable...but just bring it with you and keep it in your purse. Perhaps you can wear it on your wrist? THis shows support for your cousin, but won't make you uncomfortable.

I think that this is one of those complicated situations where there is no right answer, but you just have to go with your instinctual feelings and no matter what, support her.
Any pre/post wedding disagreements need to be put aside.......she needs all the support she can get right now and I think you should be there as best you can.
HamptonsBride Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

Sounds like an odd thing to ask guests to do...and i don't think it'll help your cousin feel more comfortable....when DH's aunt had cancer she preferred to wear scarfs or bandanas as well...so anytime someone saw a funky bandana or scarf they bought it for her to wear...how about doing something like that instead?

jtgarsik Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

Posted by HamptonsBride

Sounds like an odd thing to ask guests to do...and i don't think it'll help your cousin feel more comfortable....when DH's aunt had cancer she preferred to wear scarfs or bandanas as well...so anytime someone saw a funky bandana or scarf they bought it for her to wear...how about doing something like that instead?


very cute idea! what if everyone wore the pink ribbons & then everyone bought a different bandana for her?
werock0709 Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

Never in a million years would I wear what your aunt is asking. I work with a woman, who was just diagnosed with brain cancer,and although I only sub, thats like me going in with a bandana, or scarf on my head to show support? I don't think so. Donate what ever you can, and let it be known. It's not that you don't support her,but indeed the way you want your support to be shown.
ruzi777 Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

Hi Ryan, it sounds like a really Weird request from your Cousin.

But for everyone to wear a hat/scarf/ or bandanna I do not see how it will Make your Cousin feel better.

I would wear my Pins and maybe.......
IT IS a Tough situation. B/c it sounds like everyone will be wearing one or the other.
And everyone knows you want her Well, but for some reason not representing will make you seem not.

Please keep us updated.

Sorry not much Help.


ruzi777 Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer


Your Cousin will be in my prayers.

PegaLega Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

Ryan, I cant say anything more then I would not be able to do it. Regardless of how close or any of that, I would be uncomfortable doing it

Mooshyboo Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

Posted by HeatherRose

I agree with you 110%!!! If I were your cousin I would also feel so uncomfortable that everyone else has to be 'put out' in a way and wear something because I have freakin cancer? No way... But going, and not wearing one, could look as if you don't support her if everyone else does. This is a tough one. I'd maybe speak with your aunt and explain (if your cousin isn't already aware that she's doing thins, and made no effort to stop it) that she's not 2.. And we all support her, but its a ridiculous idea.


I agree with Heather...

Maybe wear a ribbon or pin instead ~ If i was your cousin Honestly I would not want to see everyone wearing a bandanna.... good luck!
PeteysBride Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

I don't understand..your aunt made the request or your cousin made it through her? I think unless your cousin she specifically made the request i would veer from that because your aunt is probably well meaning but it could backfire big time. I would make your cousin a little gift bag with pretty scarves; not the traditional bandanas which are eh. That way you're not wearing one but you ARE being supportive so the family cant make snide comments and make you uncomfortable.

You could write a little note inside; doesnt have to be a long melodrama but soemthing saying you know you're not evry close now but if she needs you you are there. You can even make a joke about her coming over anytime to borrow from your extensive hat collection or something. If it were me, I'd want to lighten the mood and I think everyone wearing the bandanas is sorta the opposite; its humping the elephant in the room rather than simple acknowleding it.


bonitachyc Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

did your aunt say it was going to be a surprise? (the whole everyone wear a bandana/hat...) maybe your cousin herself suggested that everyone do it?

diva7531 Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

fallinlove91407 Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

Posted by jtgarsik

Posted by HamptonsBride

Sounds like an odd thing to ask guests to do...and i don't think it'll help your cousin feel more comfortable....when DH's aunt had cancer she preferred to wear scarfs or bandanas as well...so anytime someone saw a funky bandana or scarf they bought it for her to wear...how about doing something like that instead?


very cute idea! what if everyone wore the pink ribbons & then everyone bought a different bandana for her?


I agree -- I think it would be better if you did pink ribbons or if everyone wore something/anyting pink to honor her -- and if everyone brought her a different bandana or a scarf it would be thoughtful -- and make your cousin more comfortable with herself on a daily basis. I think everyone wearing a bandada could make her uncomfortable -- ad not to mention making things awkward.
fallinlove91407 Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

also instead of doing gifts -- maybe everyone can make a donation to breast cancer research or something like the Susan G. Komen Breast Cnacer Foundation

MrsQ-in2007 Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

I think that your aunt seems to have good intentions with this but I do NOT think it's a good idea. If someone is wearing bandanas because she HAS to due to cancer, she may feel more uncomfortable with everyone else wearing them and making it even more obvious that she has to - you know? Of course, she may think it's an awefully sweet gesture, but there's no way to know beforehand. I'd suggest that everyone wear pins instead. If they don't go for that, I'd gift her a couple of pretty scarves she can use as bandanas. Worst case, I'd bring a baseball cap (I personally would not feel comfortable wearing a bandana in this situation).

Good luck - it's a difficult position for you to be in!!
MeNBobs Posted:

Re: Need advice: family and cancer

I was out to lunch one day and ran into a girl I went to high school with. She was sitting at a table and everyone at the table was wearing a weird hat. When she saw me she came out to say hello and she also explained the hats. Her mother had been diagnosed with cancer and was having a tough time with her hair loss and hated being viewed as sick. The family decided to make her mother feel more comfortable by all of them wearing hats. Everytime they would go out they would have a contest to see who could wear the weirdest hat. The mom appreciated this because it took the focus off her wearing a hat because she was sick and turned it into her not standing out but being one among many. This was how it was all explained to me. The mom did know what her family was doing.
I have read stories in the paper and magazines about people who shave their heads at the same time their friend starts chemo. In most of these stories the friend knew what was happening and had a positive opinion toward it.
With your cousin I don't think your differences should come into play. I know as an outsider that is easier said than done. I think it is weird that your aunt is doing this as a surprise because it could backfire and really upset your cousin. I wanted to tell you the story about my friend so you could see how people do react to this to in a positive way and appreciate the support. I, like you, would feel strange wearing a bandana.
What if you wear/bring a baseball hat instead. That is not as in your face as a bandanna, meaning chances are you prob have worn a hat before just because you wanted to and not because you were with someone who had cancer. If you show up and don't have a hat or something with you it could be interpretted as you being difficult since you have had issues in the past. I'm sure this a very tough decision good luck many prayers for your cousin.

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