Need some advice about a friend

I am not sure what to do about one of my friends or ex friends...

I went out with this guy during freshman year in college (7 years ago). Since then we have broken up and stayed friends, etc. Unfortunately DH doesn't like him, for a bunch of reasons, one being that he was an ex, and the only ex I have kept in touch with.

Since meeting DH 2 years ago, my friendship with the ex and his now fiance has cooled, and this past year, while we still got together for dinners and such, it happened no more often than once every few months (and we both live in NYC).

I called the ex a few days before the wedding to see if he would be able to give a ride into NYC for my best friend who came over from Canada. His reply was: 'Sure, we can give her a lift, but only on our terms', which after some discussing, there were no terms, he just meant to firmly indicate that they didn't want to give this person a ride. And of course I scrambled and found another ride.

Fastforward to the day of the wedding => the ex and his fiance were the only couple who did not give a gift in any way, not even a card. And then to make things even more fun, I have received an email from the ex, but addressed to a distribution list with no individual addresses, stating that his Palm Pilot went dead, and he needs all our addresses/phone/email info...

I still have not replied to this email, but have received a few 'mass' emails from them, inviting their friends to celebrate his fiancee's b-day and shabbat dinners.

I am really hurt, but at the same time it is not possible that every other guest have found a place to put the cards in and they didn't... And given the response I have received about giving a ride to a friend of mine, I am not sure that their friendship is still there...

What can I do. I am so hurt, having received their invite for b-day/shabbat, and part of me would like to go, but another part doesn't!!!

Re: Need some advice about a friend

IMO - I would say something to him…I would confront him in a nice away about the' no gift' situation. Just word it that you do not know if it was misplaced or stolen. And see what happens about this. You do not need friedns like this also ince your new husband does not like this person. SOmetimes there are people that you really do not need as friends...

There are plenty of people you can have shabbat dinner with.. even start inviting people yourselves...


Good lUck

Re: Need some advice about a friend

I think some people are just clueless when it comes to etiquette. We had some of DH friends come to our wedding and not even give us a card. But it really didn't bother me since they had traveled from out of town and by no means was I expecting a gift. So, your friend may just be 100% clueless that it is rude to not even give a card when attending a wedding or send something soon there after. I wouldn't let it get to you. About the whole ride thing, that is kind of odd. Why don't you email him back with a short casual email, somehow drop mention of your wedding into the email and send him your new address. I bet he is just clueless. See how he responds.

Re: Need some advice about a friend

Ddunne, I don't think this couple is clueless!!! I mean they are in their 30's, have many friends who got married, and I know for a fact that they gave a present for one of the weddings (they were showing it to us - a handmade bowl). And his fiancee is a stickler for etiquette, and knows the rules...I actually think that she had no idea that they gave no gift and he told her that they did...

Re: Need some advice about a friend

I would talk to them. Maybe they are hurt that you really haven't shown an interest in their friendship since meeting your husband. If you want the friendship to last, or exist, you will have to talk to DH about it and begin again to put in effort. If I had a friend who kind of 'dropped' me after meeting their spouse, I might not think too much of them myself.

Perhaps they just feel like you are not really a friend any more. Talk to them, but talk to DH first to make sure you will be able to uphold your end of the friendship too.

Re: Need some advice about a friend

Julybride, that's the thing... I feel that the friendship was dropped more on their end... I think most of our get togethers happened because I made a phonecall, and I was the one who suggested to do something. The ex almost never calls!!!

There is not much I can do about DH, but I also see nothing wrong with me hanging out with the two of them, as we did prior to meeting DH.

Re: Need some advice about a friend

it is possible that the card was misplaced or even that the fiance told him to make sure he got a card and never checked up on the gift. But regardless I would not end a friendship over a gift.

Why are you still friends with this person? You need to ask yourself that question. There are times that friendships end, for a variety of reasons, and it isn't always a 'bad' thing. If you care about this person then talk things over. If not, then it is time to move on.

Re: Need some advice about a friend

If it were just about the gift, I would suggest saying nothing. People are strange and if that were the only issue, it would not be worth having a discussion that might ruin the friendship.

But considering that this friendship is already nearly over, I suggest talking to him. He may have a valid excuse for his strangness. He probably wont - but at least you will have some closure and an explanation.

Re: Need some advice about a friend

So should I then be trying to contact them or should they?

#1 I don't want them to think that its only about a gift. I am more upset about the car ride and the growing apart than the gift. Although I still don't understand 'no card' thing...

#2 I wonder if its his way of breaking the friendship, i.e. instead of being direct, being more subtle... And part of me is not sure that I am yet ready to make the phone call!!!

And while I understand about losing a palm pilot, I am not sure that they can't find a way to contact me first without me giving them my contact info again...

Re: Need some advice about a friend

Very few men will choose direct confrontation with a women. If you want answers, you should call and ask him directly what the deal is.

Re: Need some advice about a friend

You need to ask yourself one question.

'What is this friendship bringing to my life now?'

When answering the question, make sure you focus on the friendship as it is NOW, not as it used to be, or at its best times.

Is it a healthy connection that brings you support, comfort, friendship and joy?

It sounds to me as if this friendship has weakened over the years and has become a source of stress and uncertainty.

Why doesn't your husband like him? Could it be that he sees something in this friend of yours that you are too close (or too afraid) to see?

Life is hard enough. We all need to surround ourselves with positive, supportive, honest and TRUE friends. Anyone who is a source of stress and pain, or who makes you doubt yourself and your feelings is better left behind.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but through experience I have really found it to be true.

Make an honest evaluation of this friends actions and behavior lately and see if you really feel that it's a friendship worth saving. If so, then I think you need to have an honest talk with him about how you've been feeling. If not, then just let it go. There are better friends out there waiting for you.

Good luck!

Re: Need some advice about a friend

I would ask him about the friendship and not worry about the gift. I had several people come to my wedding with no gift and no card. Some have since sent cards and/or gifts, but I can't remember which guests did not because I don't think that they 'owe' me a gift and I am not keeping track. Technically guests have a year to send a gift and personally, I don't really care if I don't see any more wedding gifts and cards. If you are concerned about your friendship for other reasons, then I think you should bring it up. Just make sure you are ready to hear something that you might not want to hear.

Re: Need some advice about a friend

kmc, WELL SAID ! I couldnt have said it better!

Alina, let us know how it turns out