Role as a WIFE?

You know what? I haven't really 'settled in' to my wife role yet so I really couldn't tell you what it is or will be. I've known since the beginning that DH and I have somewhat different views of what husband & wife roles should be. We both knew that going into this and we knew it was something we'd both have to a little at in order to meet in the middle somewhere where we would both be happy.

He would love nothing more than for me to be the 'traditional' wife -- do all the cooking, cleaning, etc while he was the 'traditional' husband and do all the repairs around the house, manage the money, and do all yardwork, etc.

I, on the other hand, would absolutely hate that. I much prefer non-traditional roles... they just seem more realistic to me. Hey -- if HE gets home first tonight, HE should start dinner. It's just makes more sense with the way couples live today.

So that said, I've only gotten the comments you've gotten from one older gentleman at work, and I'm not really offended by him. But I can see if other people were asking stuff like -- it's like -- what is it your business how we run our household?? You should turn around and ask them something personal like 'So did you wash husband's boxers this week?'

I don't even know what the word 'traditional wife' means for our generation - because I hardly know any couple firsthhand who has the traditional marriage the way our parents or grandparents had many years ago.

I had to laugh at some of the comments, from Julie and the others, about how I get those disapproving comments and looks from those in my very traditional Italian family who cannot fathom that I don't cook for my husband and that he actually washes the dishes or does his own ironing, etc. My parents are APPALLED that I dont cook - I dare say they think that my marriage is doomed for failure as a result of my lack of culinary skills

Similary I gotta laugh at the impression I get from DH's ultra-traditional Greek family, who even go so far as to assume that I should already be pregnant by now (on my way to having at least 4 kids, of course) and gearing myself up for life as a SAHM, since that's what all his cousins and SILs have done. I kind of laugh to myself , thinking they are gonna be in for a GREAT shock when that time comes and I'm on my way back to work

I am well into my 30s, so I had a lot of years of living on my own and being independent --- and I guess you could even go so far to say that I was selfish and there is a huge part of me that doesn't have that inherent 'wifely' quality to my personality. Both DH and I knew full well going into this marriage that I wasn't the type who was going to be all June Clever on him - I am not exactly the best at staying home all the time, cooking, cleaning, keep a tidy house, etc. He is totally cool with that, and it works for us. Does he wish sometimes I would cook him an amazing meal when he gets home , have his clothes all pressed, and the house spotless? Well, sure! But does he need this or expect it from me? Thank goodness, no

There are some tasks that I do, and some things that he does - but this is purely because we prefer doing them, not because its someone's 'assigned chore' per se. I like doing laundry, he likes ironing .. I pay certain bills, he pays certain bills. If he works late, I pick up the slack, and vice versa.

As for our free time, generally speaking we put each other first and spend our days off together in some fashion. However I'm the first to admit that at some point every weekend and evening, he may be channel surfing or on PlayStation, and I'll be online or asleep . I don't think this means we are any less 'connected' .. quite the contrary. We just have such different interests on a whole, and I'd much rather us both be content and happy doing what we want to be doing, rather than doing things we dislike purely for the sake of being together

I am trying to be a traditional wife, but it is easy for me, DH works in a restaurant and I only have to cook 2 nights a week. I was cooking 7 nights a week when he was getting home earlier. I enjoy ironing his clothes for the day and packing him a lunch for school(it is also a huge money saver)

DH is totally traditionally husband plus more. He is the bill payer, mainly because I had done it for so long and he did not have a clue, I never wanted him to be in a bad way if something ever happened to me.

I leave for work at 7:30 and get home at 6:30, so I don't have time to do much, mainly on the weekends I clean and do extras, and ususally he picks up extra shifts on the weekends. I want to totally be in a traditional role in the next 4 years. right now I bank all my checks for my down payment, we will buy a house in the next year, once I have kids though, I want to stay home and be completely domesticated. I don't like the schedules that dh and I have now. 2 hours a night at home together is not enough, when there is laundry and cooking to do. I want all those done during the day so that when he is home all of my focus is on our family time.

All I know is that DH used to cook for himself everynight and once we got married, he seemed to have forgotten how to use the stove!! AND no longer likes leftovers!!!

I can barely even say the words 'traditional wife' without breaking out in hives! To me, what that means is doing ALL the work and getting no respect from anybody. Not to mention treating men as if they're children who can't take care of themselves, which they certainly can. I just can't fathom why I should be expected to cook for my husband or do his laundry or do anything FOR him that he's perfectly capable of doing for himself. (Unless he's sick or otherwise incapacitated.) Why doesn't anybody ask HIM what he's planning to make his wife for dinner?

Sorry! I just can't stand how unfair it is, all the old sexist views of marriage. And I hate that people think it's okay for them to make remarks about it.

My husband does all the cooking and the grocery shopping, I pretty much do everything else around the house. Everyone is always telling me how lucky I am. I guess they think that I'm supposed to do 100% of the house chores in addition to my full-time job, while DH is supposed to sit around and watch football when he gets home from work. (Thank god he thinks the same way I do!)

Can you tell I'm not a traditional wife?

I don't work and I don't drive so most of the cleaning, plannning, thinking etc. is my responsibility.
I don't have to cook right now because we're going to rip out the ugly kitchen that came with our house but even when we have a kitchen, I never really know what time he would be coming to even make dinner. We order a lot.
He'll do his own laundry if I don't feel like it, he pays the bills (he's the one making the money anyway) and he really takes care of everything else.
I am very lucky and spoiled.
But I do fulfill my 'role' in the most important way whenever needed

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Posted by woozshle


But I do fulfill my 'role' in the most important way whenever needed

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hehe...that is the most important role imo. and I do feel like I should never send him away

Unfortunately, I have taken on the more traditional role as a wife. I cook, clean, do all the shopping, take care of the calandar, etc. I even do some of the traditional husband role such as working, paying the bills, taking out the garbage, etc. It is my own fault since I really don't delegate too much to him. I lived on my own for a long time before we got married so I was used to doing everything which I still do.

I think I might have to learn to become more modernize though?????

I def. dont take on the more traditional wife role. DH works 2 jobs, at his primary job he works nights, so I don't see him as often as I do. I don't cook unless he's home. I do take care of the bills though. We both clean and do the dishes. he makes the bed since he's the last one out of it. This is what works for us. He doesn't expect me to be a June Cleaver. I do take care of what needs to be taken care of

Im so NON-traditional

He wakes up, then wakes me up, puts my robe on me and sends me out the bedroom door, he pulls out my clothes for the day and irons them and has them laid out (down to the socks) when I get back. He lays my hairbrush out for me and makes sure I take a coke to work. He picks up my purse and backpack and goes out to warm up the car while I finish getting dressed. Then he drives me to the train station even though I’m only half a block away from one because the other one gets to Penn faster and lets me sleep later. Then he goes back home and has nearly an hour before he has to leave for work.

I get home, he picks me up from the train, takes me home, I undress and get in my jammies while he puts my work clothes away or puts them into the hamper. He then goes out and cooks dinner for me while I shower and has it ready when I get back. He does the dishes and brings me a dove ice cream treat.

TRADITIONAL?!?! I think not! Spoiled rotten? ABSOLUTELY

But!!

I shovel the snow while he uses the machine, I budget the finances, I keep the car working and get the oil changed, I make sure he gets what he wants for lunch every week from the store. I clean the room, I make sure he’s never bothered with any bills or negotiations of any type if I can. I make sure insurance is taken care of and taxes are prepared. I cook him Spanish food he loves and I ALWAYS clean up if Im in the kitchen. I keep all the house supplies up to date and make sure he never ‘needs’ anything like gel, lavender shirt, or a tie to match that new shirt he really wanted.

I am the bread winner by far between the two of us, but mostly I say we do things as a team.

Be thankful we didn't grow up during these times...


From Housekeeping Monthly, May 13th, 1955

The Good Wife's Guide

* Have dinner ready, Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

*Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.

*Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

*Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

*Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

*Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare a light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

*Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

*Be happy to see him.

*Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

*Listen to him. You may have a dozen importatnt things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversations are more important than yours.

*Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

*Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillitywhere your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

*Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

*Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

*Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

*Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

*Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

*A good wife always knows her place.

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Posted by Stefanie


*Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.

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So, why even get married???

I got this as an email a while back, complete with photos, I laughed my a$$ off. This one is my favorite:

'*Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.'

This especially cracks me up because one of my responses to DH (usually in jest) is 'You're not the boss of me!'

my mother in law sent that to me too, but she was laughing about it...

I am the so-called cruise director of the household. We do have a cleaning person and that helps, but I am the cook. He shops and takes out the garbage and does the litter boxes. I am the laundry fairy and the CFO. He is in charge of shoveling snow. We each take care of our cars.

As far as social plans, we work two jobs each so we are just happy to be home with each other when that happens. Usually we both pick a date to go out with friends or have them over.

His hours are better than mine so he has more time to address home repairs etc.

It's pretty even.

I would say that I am a traditional wife. I cook, do most of the cleaning. Don gets home much later than me so it works itself out.

He takes care of the bills, takes out the garbage, makes the bed, vacuums. I would say we both contribute to the work load around the house.

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Posted by boosh78201

I would say that I am a traditional wife. I cook, do most of the cleaning. Don gets home much later than me so it works itself out.

He takes care of the bills, takes out the garbage, makes the bed, vacuums. I would say we both contribute to the work load around the house.

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and we all lived happily ever after

great question! i have been thinking a lot about this lately b/c i am 'bringing home the bacon' and dh is looking for a job. he often complains that he always does the dishes and now is in charge of laundry and does a lot of cooking. however, i was the one doing laundry and cooking for a loooong time, and now he gets annoyed at me if i have one red shirt in one half the hamper and red underwear in the other. keep in mind all of his clothing is in a pile on the floor, so reminding me to sort my clothing is silly since i usually start the sorting with an empty hamper and give up after he just tosses his clohting anywhere. sooooo, i also have to remind him that i am up at 5:15, leave by 6:45 and i'm not home until 4:15 on a good day. if i stay late, try 5:30, 6:15, never know. however, then i am also planning at night too, so i am exhausted to cook. we are still with seperate bill paying, but sooooon, we will start budgeting and open a joint checking account.
anyway, most expenses are on my shoulder and that is unconventional in terms of 'wife-ness' and it does bother me. this month alone, i had rent, about 3-4 trips to the grocery store, insurance, school loan and gas. recently, i did get up on him and i got guilted into my role as a supporting spouse (emotionally speaking). i just got frustrated. and he's right, i do want to be supportive and yet, i feel that i am being judged as supporting a free loader (which he isn't, but older people see it as that). i'm just trying to save, as a couple, so that we can get out of where we are now, you know. so my role as a wife is not what people of other generations may see it. i feel like our generation of married women is at a transition...while we have the right to work and SHOULD, b/c it is important for a woman, in my opinion, to have her own money, we are also part of the old school influence, where a lot of our moms were SAHMs. mine wasn't but it was out of necessity, not the ability to work. does that make sense? i think our daughters roles as wives will be different even more. we'll have more SAHDADS and lots more women being the breadwinners. and yet, we also live on LONG ISLAND, WHERE MANY COUPLES ARE UNCOVENTIONAL OUT OF NEED!!! we neeeeeed to work. enough babbling.

well said cocoa

IMO i just think..if something is working in a marriage and the two of you are happy...why should ANYONE comment?

So what if we do separate things, so what if i don't cook, SO WHAT IF I HAVE 10,000 + posts..
He is happy, i am happy...that is what counts
right?