SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

I have to admit that sometimes I feel like some things were a let down. We've been married a little while now, and it is safe to say that the 'honeymoon' is over. I guess we had a plan, and well nothing went as planned. We were together for 5 years before we were married, and we never lived together (my dad wouldnt hear of it), so adjusting was a little rough at first. The thing is though, when we were first married and the realestate market wasn't so REDICULOUS, we went looking for a house. We found one, had the money and were ready to go for it. Then our parents stepped in and suggested that we wait, enjoy married life, travel, etc., and not worry about running a house. So we figured they know best and we waited. Then I wanted to wait until we got a house before I got pregnant-well that didn't work. SO now, here we are, in a 2 bedroom apartment, paying almost $1700 a month with a 19 month old. I work on the weekends in catering, and he's a chef, so he's busting his a** from Wed to Sunday (except today is supposed to be his day off, but they are too busy this weekend so he had to work), and we can't seem to get out of here. SO it puts a big damper on things. We fight about it all the time. This is just not the way we wanted things to turn out. But, we love eachother VERY much, and we have a beautiful daughter. And that's what matters.

I know that not everything goes as planned, and there are a lot of positive things in our lives (like my daughter), but disappointment is a big strain on a relationship. Bills come in, car payments, and crap you never think will happen, happens. We just talked about it last night that we are so busy busting our a** that we have no time for eachother, no romance, etc. No more flowers, no more little cards with little sayings. We figured out that we forgot about us. And I hate that. I want it all back. And it will come back in time, I guess. We are never alone, my daughter sleeps in the bed with us (the people upstairs are animals, and wake her, so she comes running in to our bed). We just have to stick together and not fall apart. I bet I'll be the only one with a reply like this. Everyone else seems to have it all together, from what I can see.

WE ARE A TEAM, AND A GOOD ONE AT THAT THOUGH!!

Kcdc, you might be the only one honest enough to say it, but I know there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. We all have our areas that we have to work on. Some people it might be time, finance, sex, housework etc. We all have ups and downs.

I like it when peopple speak bluntly that is why I asked the question. I am still learning and growing and adjusting in my marriage, so some days its heaven on earth and other times its not. So don't think you are the only one. We all have our days and our areas that need some attention

PS Christine I will remind you

DH and I didn't live together before getting married. It wasn't that big of an adjustment because we are both pretty adaptable- things don't really freak me out too bad. And we both seemed to fall into our 'responsibilities' on our own- what I do and what DH does- we pretty much divvied up everything.

But KCDC, I feel like you sometimes too- we don't have a child, but we are under a lot of pressure and find that it is all-to-easy to forget about the 'couple' aspect of the relationship and just keep going through the daily grind.

I work and get my MBA at night, DH goes to school and works 2 jobs. It feels like we are constantly on the run between everything! I am happy that we rent right now- I don't know how I would be able to handle all the little things that come with home ownership on top of everything else.

We had 'married' night for a while- but even that was hard to maintain- we had to RESCHEDULE IT!!! LOL! We're slowly but surely getting back to that- where we can just relax with each other and not deal with everything else but it's hard.

And I have learned to bite my tongue and not try to win every argument- because some things you just can't fight for- such as matters involving in-laws and the like. And I think that makes me more mature- because I can compromise.

Dina, you have company in the biting tongue land

I used to be have to get the last word kindda gal, now I choose my battles wisely, some of them don't need to be fought.

I just want to make the distinction that by no means do i think my marriage is perfect. There are plenty of days when I want to kill him and vice versa.

I think its more of a matter of expectations vs. reality. I have always been a cynic, so i never expected things to be perfect and always have a Plan B and stuff like that.

Plus I dont know of many happy marriages to begin with so I guess i realize all the bad things about marriage before I even got to think about the good if that makes sense.

anyway - i didnt want anyone to think that im saying married life is perfect. Im definitely not and you know (at least shamma does) that I dont sugar coat anything...but single life wasnt perfect either - why should married life?

I thought that we would be having sex a lot more. Because of work and the fact that my in-laws are still with us in the basement it's not happening.
They are going back home in the first week in october. I can't wait!!!!! Precise97

I, like Stef, never believed at our lives would be all sugar and roses. I have seen many marriages go thru trials- some survived, some didn't. I am 100% committed to my marriage and my life with my husband. I take the good and the bad, and as long as we support on another thru all of those times I feel that we can make it and be happy.
Of course,we have the little arguements over socks on the floor, cups left on the table etc...and of course we disagree on some of the decoration choices, but we work through them.
I learned that he loves more than anything and will help me even if it is hard for him (ie: helping me with my shots even though he is afraid of needles).

I don't think ANYONE's life can be perfect and if expect that you will be dissapointed.

Shamma, I never said perfect. I said I had realistic expectations and wasn't let down. We had already gone through the growing pains of living together and learning each others quirks. That didn't change after we got married.

Sure there are good days and bad, but the overall feeling is wonderful. And we're very happy.

I know we'll have some stressful times ahead, as I pointed out. But I'm not disappointed, and thats being HONEST.

We didn't live together before marriage and I was worried about adjusting, but that has gone much smoother than I ever could have imagined.

But it is easy to get complacent. Both of us our tired and we take it for granted that we live together and will always see each other. Before, seeing each was a big thing because it didn't happen every day.

I can say that marriage has not been a disappointment, I'm happier now than I was when I was dating him and living at home.

It's been over a year and I still get excited knowing I'm coming home to him after work.

The only negatives have been being responsible for two peoples money since I do all the bills!

KCDC: I like to think (and hope that im right) that seeing so many marriages go bad will make me a better wife and increase our chances. I know the pitfalls so at least i can try to avoid them.

Sonicstef- Exactly...could not have said it better myself!!

What have I learned. We have had times. I just can't remember right now what b/c we are doing so good right now. You know how that is. After the storm you completely forget it ever rained due to the bright sun that is now out.



Anyway I have to agree to bite our tongues. I think we as women just always have too much to say anyway

Also I have learned that compromise means that I may not get completely what I want ever!

Oh ladies, by no means take my comment to mean those who responded is lying. I did not mean that at all. I know no one's marriage is perfect, I was just letting KCDC know that even tho' a lot might not say it, she is not alone. Please pardon me for not being clear. THere are days that is pure bliss with Roger and I wish it would last forever and there are days I am like go away, go far away before I say something. I just did not want her to feel b/c she was the only one that stated what was going on that others cannot relate. I know we all can.

Marriage has its good and bad, isn't that life.

I would also say if my marriage is not perfect, but i'll tell ya, it's as close to as perfect can be!


edited for spelling and to say I consider myself very lucky!

Wow Shamma, again you get the Oscar for thought provoking posts! I love it!

When I got married I guess you can say I had a fairytale outlook. I honestly thought things would've been different because I didn't live with my hubby before marriage and I didn't know too many people married or happily married (except for one older couple who makes marriage look very pretty). I truly didn't have too much of a frame of reference.

However, right after marriage, i was shell shocked because so much came at me all at once and I had to grow up like yesterday! Shamma like you, I had to deal with the pain in the ass inlaws which was no fun. Then there was the adjustment of marriage itself. Getting a footing on how to manage a household, yourself and husband - man that was a trip! However, looking back I handled it quite well and I wouldn't change a thing.

After 3 years of marriage and lots of drama and bumps and bruises, I realized that it has matured me in ways I never imagine. Every marriage is different, but I think we all strive for the same thing at the end - long lasting and filled with honest and trust. However, since life and people are constantly evolving you have to work at it like everything else if you want it to be lasting. You have to find a creative way to get through the bad and not take the good for granted. I never knew marriage would involve so much multi-tasking and stuffing down of feelings when you want to stomp on your inlaws. I never knew I would lose so many friends because of their jealousy of me being married, I never knew money would be so limited at times and the list goes on.

The bottom line, our marriage is by far perfect, but I know we are perfect for each other. I hope that hubby and i will continue to grow closer as the years go by and not take one another for granted. I don't want our marriage to be predictable, I want us to keep surprising each other (in a good way) and not get so complacent. Sometimes predictability = boredom.

Ladies I wish you all good luck in your marriages and I hope they last as long as you and your husband wants it to.