SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

Here goes, I have learned so much about myself and my husband in the year that I have been married and living with him.

My question to everyone is, is marriage all that you thought it would be? did you think you and your hubby have changed. If so how?? I know a lot of us when planning our wedding tend not to notice the things that are rather obvious. These are the things that are now bothering us or has become a problem.

I heard on the radio that a lot of women get a let down after the big day b/c they have this fairytale fantasy of what marriage is or will be, and when we realize that its not we are disappointed.

Was there anything that you expected and it did not happen??

I just want to hear, how everyone feels about this whole institution of marriage.

I was very upset to learn that I had to stop dating other men!

Seriously, everything is exactly what I had expected it to be. I have lived with frank for 6 years before we were married, and I dont feel anything changed at all for us. If anything we feel closer now that we are a 'family' and we share a last name.

I know for one thing, I felt like at all times my husband would put me first and made me feel as special as my mother did and that was a shocker, being an only child. I have learned how to bite my tongue and I have learned that even when you are right, sometimes you have to let it go. Sometimes the petty arguments are not worth it and I intend to be married to this man for a lifetime that I have to be realistic. I think a lot of what I expected was that I would be loved by his family and that we would all get along. It did not happen that way and to keep peace and make my hubby happy I do certain things to keep peace, b/c I want a stress free life and a happy marriage. I never believed that compromise could be this hard. I have really matured this year alot.

Being an only child did not help, b/c always getting what you want and not have to barter/bargain and work anything out with a siblinng, makes it very hard at times to get out of the mindset of you will not always get your way. Stubborness does not help and holding grudges and all the silliness that used to work with boyfriends does not work in marriage.

I think I care more now that this works so stepping on my pride and controlling my tongue and be more willing to talk something over has become a priority to me.

Communiate, compromise and compliment. I have also learned treat people how you want to be treated. Sometimes you also have to just let somethings go. Its not worth the headache. As my g-ma would say, there are bigger fish to fry.

Suzanne you are silly.

Suzanne: that was very cute.

I lived with my husband before we were married so we were very used to being together.
We've been so happy since the wedding. Its exactly what we expected and even better.

I love my husband. But I have to say my biggest wake up call is how quickly romance can fade if you don't maintain it. Somehow after I got married I let myself get too comfortable, I gained weight, stopped putting on makeup to the point where I started to feel unattractive...even though I am blessed that my husband loves me unconditionally. I got way too attached to my husband where I didn't even go out with friends, go to the gym. We were in our own happy world.

Anyway now I realize I miss my friends, I miss hanging out etc. Hubby and I also started up our 'date nights' again which is something we let slide when we first got married. So I guess to answer the question what I have learned is that just because I got married doesn't mean I had to get boring. Don't know if that makes sense.

Irene, I have to add that to my list, yes you can get complacent really easily. It takes work indeed

I don't really see that much that has changed between us. We've known each other 10 years, dated for 5 years, lived together before we were married - so we knew each others habits, both good and bad. But I've learned (even before we married) not to focus on the small negatives.

I can honestly say I have not been let down. I guess I had a pretty realistic expectation, and its far exceeded it. There were no surprises, except just how disgustingly happy we are. Al's gotten into this habit of saying 'we're married' here and there. He says it with this big smile and a little disbelief, that we're actually married and its so wonderful (and this is a year and a half later already!).

We've had some big changes, outside of the relationship. With me losing my job, and now us planning the move back east. I think the move will be a trying time and adjusting to living so close to our families (his is particular) should be interesting.

I too can say nothing has changed (we too lived together for 3 yrs prior) except for the fact that my DH loves the fact that he can call me his wife and he feels even more so now, that he has to provide for me and protect me, more than before.

Let down? No. Our relationship is stronger and better than before in many ways.

Yes complacent is the right word. I mean don't get me wrong it was great staying home with him.

Lisa, I did not say?? Sometimes you have to give in for the greater good. I am not comfortable being around certain members of his family, but he loves when I go with him so I s-u-c-k it up to make him happy, it takes nothing off of me to do it.

I have learned to bite my tongue, I have learn to focus on all the positives in my life and not just what's wrong, b/c we can always find something wrong.

I have learned to be more expressive in letting my hubby know how much I appreciate him. I used to think this was a one way street ie I wanted all the compliments, but I very rarely gave any.

I have learned to compromise, I think I said all this above, didn't I??? Sometimes I have to put his needs ahead of my own. When I look at the big picture tho' it is all worth it in the end. As long as I don't feel like I am always giving. It takes both parties giving 100% of themselves. 50 - 50 will not work.

I have said this many times but NOTHING significant has changed at all. If i thought things were going to change, I would not have gotten married at all.

I think our situation has a lot to do with the fact that we were 100% committed way before we got engaged no less married. We had lived together for several years before we got engaged. Our monies were already mingled before we got married and we had been planning our future together for many years as well.

The reality that marriage is not a fantasy was realized way before we got engaged for us ... so the fun of getting married really was 'gravy' for us b/c we had already done the hard stuff.

I know that I would have never even considered marriage unless we lived together sucessfully first. I know everyone has a different opinion on that, so that just goes for me and how i know myself.

We also dated 5 years before getting married and lived together after buying our house for 1.5 years before getting married. I think our marriage is more wonderful than we thought it would be. I will say that I think we have become closer, in a sense, where we are both on the same page now and both feel each other's excitement and disappointment. As some of you may know, we have now been TTC for almost a year, and we have had several ups and downs in the process, and each time we have to start all over, we grow stronger. I have sensed that my DH has become more in tune with how my body works and how and why I feel the way I do.

It's very strange, but we can sit in the room and say nothing and know exactly what each of us is thinking.

Having been married before I knew what to expect, so I would say not that much different. But (there is always a but) we did fall into the trap of putting everything else before our relationship. Because we have been so crazy re-doing our whole house and I was not at 100% because of being sick, a lot more stuff fell to Gene to do. He was tired and cranky and overworked and I started getting mega-stressed because I felt so guilty because he was tired and cranky and overworked.

We finally sat down and talked about it and decided to set aside Sunday as our non-home improvement day. No working on the house, no matter what, just the two of us doing something together somewhere out of the house. What a difference!! Neither one of us realized just how much we were putting into the house instead of each other. Even when all the projects are done we plan to continue our day off!!

the only thing that changed was my last name...

in all seriousness...we are the same as we have always been together...I didn't expect anything to change...just that we had a big party together and got dressed up...lol

so true, Irene. It takes a lot of effort to maintain yourself & your motivation. So much of our time was spent on trying to FIND someone that sometimes it feels like you don't have to work at those things anymore. Hard as it may be, I think it's also impt to not do it only for him, but more importantly to do it for yourself.

I also think its easy to take each other & your relationship for granted. The day to day mundane details that fill up your life are sometimes all we talk about. I've been noticing that lately. I guess when you're first starting your relationship, you have tons of things to talk about ... first discoveries, funny stories ... I miss those days a lot. I can see how people who've been married for a while say that all they talk about is the kids or work. And with a baby on the way, I'm really aware of how much we'll need our private time to keep things good btwn us. It'll be hard, but we both recognize how impt it is.

Maybe someone can remind me when I'm up to my ears in babyland & its all I can talk about!

it took us a few months to get used to living together but for the most part we are enjoying ourselves and married life....our relationship gets stronger by the day. We even fight better now then when we were dating.....

I feel that we have become stronger people, and have grwon so much closer.
Not too much has changed, because I knew all of hubbys quirks before we got married
I know I grow to love him more and more each day

I have been married only 2 weeks, but we have been together 10 years.

I do notice myself becoming a little too comfortable.
I mean I will be somewhat indelicate here- I have been so tired these past couple of weeks- that I have not felt the urge to perform my 'wifely duties' if you know what I mean. Before we got married I would make sure our intimate life was always spicey. Now I am like oh well we'll get to it. So I guess what I am trying to say is that you have to keep the romance alive.

Also, compromising is a b*tch. We were looking for furniture last weekend and it was so hard to come to an agreement about what we wanted. I am so used to just doing things on my own.

I guess what I have learned is that in marriage it is about 2 not one and you have to really be considerate about the other person's feelings and desires.