Re: SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

Sandy- what an awesome, candid honest post.

Kudos to you!!!!

You really spoke the truth.

Marriage is a challenge, but I am up for it.

All the best to everyone!!!

Re: SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

One thing I just learned today about marriage--or at least my own marriage.

Communication is the most important thing. I tend to keep my negative feelings to myself. I guess I don't want to come across as a nagging wife, or that I'm being difficult or impossible. Part of me wants to protect my DH from stress, and sometimes I think sharing my feelings with him will stress him out. Sometimes I'm afraid if I express my negative feelings, his family won't like me anymore. But all that resulted from keeping things inside was me getting angry and resentful, and very stressed myself!!!

Also, I think I learned that I don't have, and no one has, a perfect storybook marriage. There will be disagreements and frustrations and times when you just want to punch your DH in the nose! But that you have to honor and own those moments. Pushing them to the side, or keeping them stuffed inside you is more damaging to your marriage than letting them out, and working through them.

We aren't the perfect wife and perfect husband in a perfect marriage. We are two real people, learning as we go along. There will be amazing and happy times, and there will be rotten times, too. But what matters most is our love for each other, our commitment, and a willingness to talk and listen, even when its difficult to do so.

Re: SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

As we had lived together for 8 years nothing 'logistically' was a surprise.

I knew he left wet towels on only my side of the bed, only watches boring black and white history shows about fighter jets or Indians, leaves glasses of milk on his armoire for days, and insists on holding the remote to the point where he brings it to the bathroom because Lord forbid I should try to catch a glimpse of something current and in color....

But to stick to what I think was Shamma's real question...I definitely had overlooked the amount of time I am expected to eagerly spend with his family. Do NOT get me wrong - they are wonderful people, but I am expected to at the drop of a hat go visiting, have dinner, etc. I don't like that kind of draw on my personal time. I have learned to bite my tongue and say 'sure, I'd love to go' most of the time...and of course at times I do say 'I really could have used advanced notice. I'd rather not.' But it's hard. I overlooked it during the planning for sure.

Re: SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

Well, I think I expected more. We have been arguing more than when were jsut living together. Paul is great but I have become more selfish lately and taking him for granted

Wow I really needed to get this off my chest. Thanks Shamma for the thread

Re: SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

Nothing has changed for us really either. I swear there are days I say, are we really married? Because it doesn't feel any different! I agree with Shamma that there are days that are just perfect and there are days that you just want to punch him in the mouth!!!

This kind of brings up another topic, friends of ours are engaged but not married because he can't get to that point, he doesn't want to leave her but doesn't want to marry her. He has been through horrible divorces in his family and never wants to get divorced. He has issues but everytime I think of them not getting to the point of actually going through with marriage, I want to shake him and say its nothing different than exactly what you are doing now!!

Re: SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

We did not live together before marriage, and so we were both very excited to finally be able to be with each other every day as opposed to just 2-3 days a week.

I would say that the first 4-6 months of our marriage were very difficult. We fought a lot, and were adjusting to living with each other and our little habits. Even though we had vacationed together, it obviously wasn't the same thing.

I have learned to compromise a lot more, and to let some things that bother me go unsaid. I would not say that I was let down after the wedding, but I was a little surprised that living with him was so hard at first even though we had been together almost 8 years when we got married.

Now that we have pretty much figured this whole living together thing out, we are so much happier. We have also learned to communicate with each other even better than before we were married. Communication is very important to both of us, so we continually work on keeping the lines open.

One thing I do think disappointed him a bit was that I think he thought that marriage would be one big sex fest. He had to get used to the idea that there are nights when I come home from work and I am completely wiped out. Since he works from home, he has more flexible sleeping hours, where as if I go to bed at midnight, I still have to get up at 5:30am. So, we try to keep the romance alive, but it's also understood that there are some nights where it just isn't going to happen!

Overall, I wouldn't say our marriage is perfect, but it is better than what it was a year ago. And I hope that it continues to get better each year. I still get little butterflys in my stomach and a goofy grin on my face on my way home, knowing that he'll be there when I walk in the door.

Re: SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

I have tried to remain fairly realistic with my expectations about what marriage would be like. A few years ago my parents got divorced after close to 25 years of what was at the end, a very dysfuntional marriage. Like some of the other ladies mentioned, I do not know of many marriages that are truly happy, but I do know of some. And I want my marriage to be like those 'some.'

I try each day to remember to compromise and that it is not about 'me' but about 'us.' But truthfully, there are times when I am resentful about compromises or sacrafices that I have had to make. It is not a good feeling and it does not happen all that often, but there are definitely those times. And when they happen, I bring them up. But I wish they did not happen at all.

Even before we were married, I knew that things were not always going to be peachy with the in-laws. And I feel like that is always a touchy subject to discuss with DH because they are his family. They are nice people and I have a great relationship with my one SIL, but my MIL and other SILs are a different story. They are very sweet people, but I absolutely wish that I felt more like they were my family and treated me more that way. For example - we did not even get a card from 1 SIL at out wedding. Nada. To me, that is inexcusable. But I digress...

When it comes down to it, I think DH and I are a good team, but marriage is a lot of work and the wedding day was by far the easiest part. I hope with all my heart that DH and I can make our marriage work and that we do not wind up like my parents, but it is an investment that we both need to be willing to make every day.

Re: SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

You know, we should turn this thread into a handbook and it 'has to' be given to the bride and groom during their first month of marriage so they know what to expect when the sh** hits the fan. Isnt there a reality show about newlyweds? And I don't mean Nick and Jessica ( Have a camera follow people around from the moment they get home from their honeymoon until...I don't know...whenever. And none of that Wedding Story stuff..the real deal. I know, I know we've all had enough reality tv shows. But how funny would it be?....or not. Everyone on here seems to be real truthful and give good advice.

Re: SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

coselige: I really liked the tone of your post. Optimistic, willing to do what it takes but also knowing the realities of what may happen.

Its a small pet peeve of mine when people say they are 100% sure that they will be happily married in 50 years. There is just no way to be sure...all you can do is do the best you can and make that 'investment'.

I think some women hear the '100%' thing about friends' marriages and think 'what is wrong with mine that i dont feel 100% sure that everything will be perfect for my whole life'.

Re: SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

I know for sure what works for some may not work for me, so when someone say they have the formular I say for your marraige not mine.

Nothing is wrong with my marriage and we are the ones that can make it either bad or good. I do not use others to measure my marriage, b/c sometimes what others might be saying is what is at the moment. I want the overall picture.

I am glad we all shared our viewpoints, everytime we discuss something like this, I learn something more.

I feel that reading and understanding other people, when things happen in my life, I can draw on what I have read here and be better able to handle whatever comes our way.

Re: SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND TO ASK THE NEWLYWEDS

I lived with my husband before we got married, so we were comfortable with each other. However, we have been through a lot in past two years. These trials have made us closer at times, and at other times it separated us. I have learned to pick my battles. I have learned to compromise. I have learned to say I am sorry and to forgive. I know that we both have so much learn. The important thing is that we are willing to take that journey together.

Re: ups and downs

Everyone says the first year is the hardest. I did expect it to be hard. However, I had such a smooth transistion and loved the first year. I must be delayed or something b/c when my first anniversary came I started feeling differently. I feel like if I let too many things slide I'm comprimising myself and not truly happy. If I don't let it slide it means a fight. When I'm with my friends I laugh all the time. It's just my personality. I find myself laughing and smiling less at home, unless it's my dog making me laugh. My husband comes home from work so tired, as do I, and he watches tv and falls asleep. I would prefer to play scrabble or walk the dog TOGETHER. I try hard to keep the romance/dating thing going but my husband is very comfortable. I know things will get better, but I think the thing to know, is there will always be good times and hard times.