Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

liz- i am sure that losing your mom has made you much closer to your sisters and we all understand that. but getting home at 8pm most nights, when you have a husband at home waiting for you, is not the best thing for a marriage IMO. think of it the other way around- len goes out every night after work and comes home at 8pm, while you are there waiting for him. we would All be saying that it was unfair of him to go every night and that you should tell him that he needs to come home. i would say once or twice a week at your sister's home is fair. and sleeping over, well....if your husband is away on business or going out very late with friends then maybe but every week, that is probably not fair to him.
how about asking your sister to come to your place for dinner once a week?
vacations- if you have 2 weeks off a year and you and your husband want to do a few days with family that is fine. but i think one week should be reserved for just you two.

i think the issue is changing...it isn't easy. but talking about your feelings is key and understanding where the other person is coming from is very important.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Liz, I hope at some point, things will fall into place. You really should not allow your family to make you feel guilty about abandoning them! I’m sure your family understands that right now you are going through the transitions of a newly married couple. If you are putting yourself through this you should really stop, you might find yourself torn in between your family and husband and you DON”T want that!!! Furthermore, you JUST got married!!! I’ve seen your posts in the past and all the excitement you went through and how you were looking forward to being married. All you wanted to do was spend your life with Len…what happened? Why the sudden change of feeling guilty about not being around your family all the time? How do you think your husband must feel now that you are married and you are constantly worried about abandoning your family???? What about the abandonment he might be feeling? I keep getting a very convoluted perception of this whole situation. On one hand you can’t wait to be his wife and on the other hand you don’t want to go straight home to your husband after work; you feel he’s too controlling about how you spend your time and you’re worried about not being able to spend week long vacations with your sisters? What about vacations with your husband? There is really not other set of people I rather vacation with than my hubby!! I’m not really getting it! Sorry if I’m being harsh, but you really need to think!

I’m really sorry you lost your mom and you’re right, had she been here, you probably would have a broader, wiser and more understanding perspective, but you have a husband now and possibly a future family coming up – you need to get your priorities together.

I don’t profess to be a marriage professional, but I’ve been married almost 3 years and I’ve learned a LOT and I still have a ways to go! Oftentimes when my friends are getting married I see all the celebration of showers, gifts and the grand wedding day and afterwards there is this HUGE depression and a lot of the times the man feels like “maybe I was the fool that she needed to give her a dream wedding!” Believe it or not, I’ve heard men say that. However, you can’t blame them because after some of us get our “BIG” day, some of us change drastically and it’s not always for the better. Men don’t have any other choice than to believe that they’ve been had!!! We need to really be careful how we come off because it can send out wrong messages.

Liz, you really have a ways to go when it comes to learning about the institution of marriage. I know you said you went to marriage counseling, but it seems like you and your husband need quite a bit more. The fact that you are struggling with these issues says that you are not understanding what marriage means and even more importantly, you are not understanding your man and his needs. I hope at some point you will see things a little differently…in favor of your marriage and not so much emphasis on your family – they will ALWAYS BE THERE! Your husband is the one that can get up at anytime and walk away and you can lose him forever!

Now pay up, I just gave you a FREE counseling session!!!!


Have a great weekend ladies!

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Sandy, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my hubby, and still am very excited to be married. We have wonderful times. I'm enjoying it very much for the most part. I thnk you think I have no enjoyment in my marraige whatsoever. I personally think if this is our 1 issue, then we're doing OK. We are not having any other problems.

But you have to know the dynamic of my family to really know how I feel. The way we were raised made us depend on each other like no other.
And that feeling doesn't change overnight, def. not in the 2 months I've been married.
But slowly but surely I think we'll be fine.
I've taken all this advice to heart. I don't want to be unfair to my husband, but I feel I can do it w/o totally abandoning my family. I have to work it out. I know I will.

michelle, thanks, I see exactly what you mean. I never thought tho' 8 pm was a big deal since he gets home at 7:30. So usually I'm the one waiting for him if I go straight home.
But I do agree that I will cut the visits down. I won't invite her to dinner, b/c I hate to cook
I have 4 weeks vacation, and he has 3, so I think what I'll do is spend my extra week w/the sisters.
I think you're right, the issue is change. He and I both have to adjust to the changes. I think we'll do fine. I have a renewed hope. Thanks for your advice

Oh, and an update. I promised my new hubby I'll spend the ENTIRE weekend with him this weekend. No friends, no sisters. He seems very happy about it. It starts with a matinee tomorrow

Thank you all for your advice

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Have a great weekend Liz!!! Len will be sooo happy by the end of it.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

I honestly think Liz is just trying to find her way through this. I think that post was a tad bit strong, although I completely agree that some women change dramatically after the wedding day, and the poor husband is dumbfounded. A lot of women want to have their cake and eat it, too. They want a husband and all that goes along with it, and they want to stay close with their family.

It goes both ways, though. My DH's friend is divorced now, because he wouldn't move away from his mother after the marriage. Whenever he and his wife would fight, he'd go to his mothers house. She told him it had to stop or the marriage wouldn't work. He said he wasn't going to leave his family. So his wife left him instead...

I agree that when you are married, you HAVE to put your husband first. Getting married represents breaking from your family of origin, and starting a new family with your DH, and maybe children. It doesn't mean shutting them out of your life, but it means putting DH first and foremost, before anyone else. I know I would be p*ssed off if my DH kept putting his family before me, or spent too much time with them after we were married. I would feel like, 'Hey! What about me?'

I think for Liz, it's a difficult situation because of the closeness she shares with her family. It's harder for her to make that break. I don't think it's because she has little understanding of marriage, though. I think she's just trying to feel her way through it, and find a happy balance.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Karen you read my mind. Thanks

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Your welcome Liz...

ETS: I think I'm going through an adjustment phase myself. I posted about it here..


Adjustment post