Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Alina, youre right, it DOES have ALOT to do with whether or not you were 'on your own' before.

DH and I were both living at home until we were married. But our families are very different. He lived with just his mom (dad passed away years back). I have 3 siblings, both parents, and our house was like 'Central Station' always had visitors, mom babysat kids, etc etc. So im very accustomed to an active, busy house, and he is VERy accustomed to a quiet, calm, private home.

Liz, this is a great thread, because its something that everyone has to adjust to somehow and bringing it up for discussion really makes us think about it. First of all I think youre a DOLL of a girl, because of how much your family ties mean to you and for how much your hubby means to you that you want it to work with both!

So, for us, its also similar to your situation. Since we were brought up in such different households (loud and crowded, quiet and empty), our feelings on things are very different. A few examples:

*We now live about 40-50 miles from both of our parents, and my siblings. ANY time we are in the vicinity of their homes, I feel an obligation to 'pass by' and say hello. He doesnt agree. SOmetimes he's right because, my obligation can throw off our whole day, and we cant enjoy the plans we had to begin with. Especially when my mom says 'you mean youre not staying for lasagna ?? (make ya feel guilty! )

*When we were dating, and I got other calls that were for my siblings and they had to take the call, he wasnt used to the constant interruptions, but to me it was ok to pass a more important phone call to my brother (if it WAS more important )

*Just little things like this, and also, since Im closer to my family, I might include them on things, like outings, and he'd rather do something with his 'family' (me and JA ) so, I do make sure that we get our family time and him and I get our couple time.

I do know how you feel about it being hard to balance at times. A few times my sis and brother happened to stop by my other brothers house, and called us and said 'come by'. Well I was already practically out the door, and to him it was more like 'we're watching TV, lets just relax'. I have more of that 'pull' at the heartstrings for my sibs and my parents. I guess its totally about how you were brought up, your personalities, and your relationships with family members.
Although its HARD to sometimes see it their way, or any other way than your own way , it is important to try to keep the balance. No one is perfect, do your best and like everyone said, try to make your hubby your #1 (and sometimes even thats hard if youre REALLY close to your sibs). With experiences and your best judgement, you'll do fine!

PS-as far as vacations and sleeping over your sisters, I see nothing wrong with it. Since my sis and I both have kids, vacations are really not in our plans, but we do have our 'girl days' and we will ALWAYS spend our birthday together (with hubbies and kids too)..

Hugs to ya !!

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

I never had to figure this out. It just works. It was never an option for it not to work out. My DH's family lives in MA so maybe that helps me not to be spread too thin in terms of family gatherings and dinners.
We both lived on our own for many years before we even met, so I think we had already figured out how to balance our private lives with our family lives. I am sure moving out of your home at 25+ or so is very different and not the same situation at all.
I think if you are eating dinner every night at your parents or making your spouse spend time every single weekend day at your family's house then maybe that is too much. Or if your family drops-by often invited that is probably also difficult. Sometimes you need to skip family events in order to have alone time. I also think the reactions of the family members is important. Communication is very important. Talk and discuss what is fair to everyone.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Oh My what wonderful feedback.

To clear a few things up, my sisters never just 'drop' by. They dont' live close enough and would have to pay a toll to come over. We're in the Bronx.
But I DO stop by my sisters house almost every day after work, I'm very accustomed to doing this, but since the marraige, Len has expressed wanting me home right after work. Ladies, in 2 months I've probably gone straight home 5 times.
Hanging w/my sis after work helps me relax. This is one of the hardest things to break, but I'm not sure why I have to stop that. I still get home by like 7:30-8pm. I get off at 4, if I go straight home I'll make it around 5:30-6. So you see, I only stay an hour or so. I also always run some type of errand after work.
We will live in NY for a few years, we have 2 plans, a 3 year and a 5 year to move to Florida. Rest assured, when I move, it won't be more than a year that the rest will follow. They may even make it there before me. But we know for sure we cannot live so far away, not in a million years. Plus I want them to be very close to my future children. My children MUST have a close relationship w/their Godmothers.

Sleepovers have decreased since the engagement. But every now and then, I would still like to. Maybe once a month. Len has told me he doesn't want me to anymore, except in emergency. Is that fair?

Vacations: There's nothing like vacationing w/your sisters. I think Len would be OK if I did it, but I'm unsure if he would like it every year. When we go, we usually stay an entire week. Maybe I could do a week every other year, and then a weekend here and there, I don't know.

I guess I just feel like I have to make some changes for Len, but when he met me, I was constantly with my sisters. I lived alone, and always slept over my sister's house, minimum once or twice a week.
Then I gave up my apartment, and my sister and I moved in together.
We lived together for 2 years, the whole time Len spending the night a lot. He didn't seem to mind then

My strings aren't with my Dad as much, I hardly see him. If my Mom were alive, I think it'd be even harder.

I'm going to try my best, b/c I don't want him to think he can't get away from my family, but I miss them already. I feel like I abondoned them.

I think the idea of sisters day is good, but I would need it often. I also feel soooo guilty that now my sisters have to sacrafice time with me b/c I decided to go and get married and leave them out in the cold. They are so important to me. I don't want ever to hurt them. But I don't want to make Len feel like an outsider either.

Occasionally we all go on vacation together, which works out OK. I always feel split up in all directions, but everyone else seems OK with sharing me for the week. I just hope we get to the point where Len feels a closeness to them, and really considers them HIS sisters too.

As for my brother, Len loves him, and has no problem spending every waking minute with him. He does, though seem to get a little bit jealous when I talk about my brother too much and like he's the best, and he could do this, and that, yada yada yada. I can't help it that my brother is near perfect.

I'm sure this post is now way too long, but thank you all for your opinions, your input, and thanks for understanding.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

We just invite his parents & my parents over once in a while for coffee or something.
Or families will also invite us over as well.
Our families live close by so its not a problem.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

This is a great post. Although it isn't too much of an issue since I live 8 hrs from my family, so we don't have to divide our time with family on a daily basis. My IL's are only around the block. We see them 1 a week or 1 every 2 weeks depending on what going on.

After reading all of this thread, if you think about how you would feel spending all that same time that you spend with your family, with your in-laws, that's how our DH's feel. It might provide some perspective.

Liz, from your last reply, I think if I was Len I would feel like I wasn't first in your life. If I did feel like I was first, then I wouldn't mind occasional sleep overs, or a designated girls day. Do you know what I mean?

My mom always says one of the hardest parts of marriage is putting your new family (you & DH) first. That has to be your first priorty. If you talk to your sisters about it I'm sure they would be supportive, and wouldn't want to see you torn btw the two.


Great thread!!

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

I have more of a problem with DH's family than mine, since my siblings live in another state. DH is very close with his family and they're totally codependant on each other. He wants to see them whenever possible and I'm like, sorry I need some time to relax.
We just moved much closer to one of his sisters and she was coming over pretty much every day and I really don't want that to continue. I love his family but value my own time and our time together, especially since his schedule is very hectic and sometimes he works like 90 hours a week.
I would be totally p!ssed if he was sleeping at his parents or sisters' house and not at home.
The vacation thing I think is fine, though.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Thanks Jeng. I know you're right. How long before the feeling Naturally changes? I shouldn't have to force it to, should I?
Shouldn't I just start putting him first naturally?


ETA: You know what's funny, I thought this part would be easy, I love him so much.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

starhead, I see your point too. I don't think they would even want to come every day. So I think we'll be fine with that.

Have you discussed your feelings with your DH?

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

We just moved to this house a week ago, and Dh's sister was being really sweet, bringing food and doing this and that to help out and she came over every day until Sunday, then she had things to do and her husband was coming home and then she's going away on vacation so I won't say anything to DH until I see what happens when she comes back from vacation. If it becomes a problem, I'll definitely have to say something.
I really was hesitant about moving closer to his family jsut for this reason.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Maybe once her husband is home, she'll slow down. Plus I think she was probably excited about you all moving down.
I hope it slows down for your sake. I could definitely understand you not wanting her there all the time.

Good Luck

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Wow, I am so glad I am not alone in this. My sister and I are especially close, our parents moved to FL. when I was 20 and she was 18. We were all we had for 7 years, I mean ALL WE HAD (we lived together, ate together, grocery shopped together, hung out with the same friends, even slepted together, --before you guys get your mind in the gutter! :), I mean we shared a bedroom for pete's sake. She was so young and I took care of her. I feel very, very, very, very maternal to my sister. I don't know how I am going to handle her getting married. I know she will probably read this since she is on here and spies on me! ;) We are even thinking of maybe moving to Florida someday if my parents go back and I tell DH, I am not going anywhere without my sister. I think it would kill me!

As far as my parents, like I said, I feel they left a wonderful life in FL to come back here to be with us, I have a guilt that they are now not truly happy here, so I try to include them in things to get them out, etc. My husband is so patient with me, but I see it can get on his nerves, everything is my family, my family, my family and I practically ignore his family which isn't right because they are such loving, great people! I guess with time a balance has to come. But Liz I feel like you do, that I went off and got married and I abandoned them and what if they think I don't love them anymore!??! I am so afraid of them thinking that, even though its pretty silly that they would. Everyone gets married right? They did? Did they feel this way towards their parents or wonder that??? Now my sister is getting married in January and she will be like, LATER! That is just her personality. She is very into her new family (she has already become a Mommy, he has a child already). I think its great, but I miss her a lot! I think I am more into my parents though becuase I know my sister doesn't need me as much, my parents I feel are sitting home while I am out and they came back and left their lives to be with us, how can I go out and leave them home, so I say to Mike, Mike can my parents comes to the movies with us. I am such a cheeseball, and he says yeah ok! :) But I know after a while, he is probabaly saying geesh get a life! So that is my story in a nutshell, I must say though I am getting better! Even my mom says it. And you know what she always tells me? YOUR HUSBAND HAS TO COME FIRST, DENISE! But I tell her its so hard, even though I love my husband, they have been my family for the last 29 years, not him! VERY VERY VERY HARD! My mom is proud of me that I am getting better, the last thing she would want is for my marriage to be affected, but then in the other breathe, she says oh you are going there?? and makes a sad face............................. :) Ok, I am done!

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

I've dealt with the sad faces already Denise, I HATE IT
I know exactly what you mean, but it is good that you are getting better, which also means hope for me

You def. may want to lay off even going to the movies with them and your DH all together. He may want that time to enjoy w/you alone.
How about taking time and going to the movies w/them w/o DH so that they are not in his face all the time? THat might help him not get sick of them, as long as you're not going when it's 'his time' with you. I guess I'll have to try this method also.


You see how you feel about your younger sister, I KNOW my eldest sister feels this EXACT way about me, and I feel soooo guilty.

ETA: Len has a son, and I'm sooo happy to be a Mommy to his son (now OUR son
But I still want MY family around too.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Hey look, you solved your own problem, or sort of!

This is great, cheap therapy, huh??

Well, listen, it will work. Its getting better for me and it will get better for you. Is your older sister married? If she isn't then she will be someday, I am sure and she will be going through the same thing.

Email me anytime you want to talk and maybe we can work through this transition together.

Denise

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Liz, I guess like with everything else in marriage its a give an take. Roger has a big family and they love to do things together and he is learning how to share his time with them and our time. It is not easy b/c someone is always going to feel as if they are missing out or not getting enough. I hope you and Len and your family can find a balance. I know how close you are to your family and it cannot possibly be easy feeling like you have to choose.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

to you!

I don't think your feelings will 'naturally' change. I feel like it's more of a 'commitment' to make your DH #1. I use that term loosely though. I don't mean to imply that you're not committed to the marriage or anything like that. But it has to be a conscious choice before it becomes a natural thing.

This past Christmas was our first married, and was our first we ever spent together. Before we were married I would always go home to LI to be with my family. It was so hard not being there with my family, and forget about the guilt My DH had to work on Christmas, so he told me to go home to be with my family. But I take my mom's advice very seriously. He has to come first, and it wouldn't have been right to leave him at Christmas. Our first Christmas together was so great. Even though we had to open presents at 6:30 am before he went to work!

Definitely talk to your family, and I'm sure they will support you. It's so hard to change something that's been engrained in our minds for so long, so ask Len to be patient

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Hi again Liz,

What about seeing your sister after work twice a week instead of every day?

And maybe instead of going away for an entire week every year, you can plan a three day weekend instead?

Wanting you to come straight home after work every single day sounds a little bit....controlling. At least to me, but I could be wrong. The compromise has to go both ways. You can't be the only one to make changes, or to adjust your expectations.

I know Len is a WONDERFUL man, so please don't think I'm criticizing him or anything.

Maybe he's just trying to adjust to being a Husband now, too. Do you know what his ideas of 'husband' and 'wife' are? Did you ever ask him what he expects of you as a wife? Or how he sees his role as a husband?

After I got engaged I started feeling a little anxious. I was concerned that my FH would want me to change, or would expect things from me that I wasn't willing or ready to provide. I had thoughts of him expecting me to have dinner on the table EVERY night, and do all the laundry, and have 20 kids. So I asked him....'What do you expect from me as your wife?' His answer was, 'Just be honest with me, always talk to me if something's bothering you, love me, and don't change who you are.'

We had a GREAT conversation about it. Then it was his turn and he asked me what I expected from him as a husband. It really set the stage for our relationship to grow, and all my fears melted away.

Maybe you and Len just need to clarify your positions as Man and Wife, and what you expect from each other now.


Karen

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Liz, out of curiosity did you and Len have any counseling sessions with your minister before you got married?

In our counseling session our minister discussed the roles and husband and wife in great depth.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Once again you ladies are so on point
Jeng thank you for your Christmas story, I see what you're talking about. I just have no guidance when it comes to this. I'm the first one to get married. But I will try my best to make this commitment. I think I know I have to, that's why I turn to you all. I knew coming here was the right thing to do.

I wish my Mom was here to tell me all of this


Shamma, thanks. It's nice to know it all comes together eventually

karen, I also thought that was a bit controlling. I think I will take your advice and try to cut it down. I don't think it helps that my BM is getting married, I'm her BM, and that's been keeping me busy, plus all my other friends weddings that I've been helping with keeps me busy. But it's the busy that I like and he doesn't understand.
So twice a week it is. This is the more understanding sister, so I think she'll be OK with it.
We had the conversation too, but it was more like who keeps the house, cooks and cleans, etc. .. . We didnt really get into the family thing.

Kysha, we went through a lot of counseling with our Pastor, and he told us a lot. We watched videos, did surveys together, it was wonderful. But still, it is not the same as going through it, you know what I mean?
When you're going through the counseling, you don't know how you're going to really feel once you're marrried, so it's different. The counseling was wonderful and I would highly recommend, but don't be disallusioned, it will not make all feelings disappear. No counseling could've prepared me for the feeling of abandonment I feel I'm doing to my sisters.

I truly believe we'll be fine, b/c I love Len with all my heart so much. I would do anything for him and I will. I just have to get through this adjustment period.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Just some extra hugs Liz. It will all work out.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Liz - I understand how you feel. In my situation, my family thinks they come first and will ALWAYS come first. It's just not that way anymore. Sometimes I find them a bit selfish. I was always there for them and now I am not. They have to understand my husband comes first. I am not going to jeapordize my marriage because my Mom wants me over every Sunday for dinner.

As the cliche goes 'Marriage is an adjustment'. Everyone including your sisters have to understand where your loyalty lies now. It's hard to say 'NO' to family, but if your husband is asking you to come home, it's not about him controlling you. Its about him wanting to spend time with you, wanting to have dinner with you. Compromise and things will work out.