Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Marraige with Family????

I am soooo close to my family. How do I balance the 2 now that I am married?
I don't know how.

Any tips? Especially those who are close to their families, what ways have you come up with that work?

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

I think it's something that works itself out.

I am super close to my mother and sister. But my mother and I hit a rough patch right after the wedding that we worked out almost right away.

As long as your DH is fine with being around them and you are aware of the fact that he won't want to be around them ALL the time, I think you will find the right balance also!

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

OMG...Liz...did you read my mind?!?! I have been having the hardest time dealing with this...and I would love to hear peoples thoughts on this! It is just too too hard!

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

I don't understand the question - what are you trying to balance? Has there been a difference since you got married?

Maybe its because we're in CA, but we haven't had any issues. When we go to NY its a challenge to balance time between my family and his, but its never been an issue balancing my family and HIM.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

How should I explain it?

Examples:

1.Vacations: I go vacationing w/my sisters EVERY year at LEAST once, sometimes twice ...
Now can I still do that? Or do I have to take my hubby everytime ?

2.Can my sisters come over whenever they want ?

3. Can I still sleep over my sisters house? (My Dad told me to stop doing this)

ETA: I could probably go on and on, but I'll stop here

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

OMG..its like your living my life! The balance is ridiculous..i will type more in a while.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

I think it is fine to take a weekend trip with your sis.

I do not think it is ok to sleep over your sis house unless it is an emergency or she is severely ill or a very special occasion.

I think your sis should come over within reason not all the time.


Liz, I am being serious you are going to have to cut the apron strings with your family. You can still be close, but you have a husband now. As I said before my girlfriend's first marriage ended because she had unhealthy closeness to her family.
She involved them in EVERYTHING.

Everytime she went to Costco with her husband she had her parents come. She even went as far to buy a mini van (no kids yet) so that they could all take family trips together.

I am not saying that the blame was all on her and not on her ex husband but a big part of it was her family and their overbearingness.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

I pretty much agree with nrvbrd on the questions you asked.

What does your DH say about your relationship with your family?

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Lizlen you should never feel guilty for doing htings with your family, unless they are moving in and sleeping in oyur bed. Its ok to go with your sister and leave Len home.

Hell just have to get used to it.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

No one should just come over when ever they want you have a husband now. thats the one thing I stand firm on.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

I agree with nrvbrd 100%.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

I'd have to agree with the others. No more sleepovers and no drop ins whenever a sister feels the need. Occassionally yes, but 'whenever' No. I think it is wonderful that you are so close with your family, but please remember that your #1 family is now your husband. He should come before all others, in my opinion. Of course you can still hang out with your sisters quite often but I think you also need to be conscious of what your hubby's thoughts on that are in each case. Maybe he wanted to spend Sat afternoon with you even though you told your sister you would go shopping with her, for example. Close is great....to close will cause problems.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

I think its great that you're close to your family! but, to quote the priest that married us: NOBODY comes before your husband/wife. You are #1 to each other, and that includes your family.

That doesn't mean that your relationships must drastically change, but there should be some boundries. You can still have sister vacations (my sisters and I went to Cabo in January) and you can still spend a lot of time with them, but not so much that it interferes with your marriage.

My younger sister is coming to visit on Friday and she'll be staying with us for 5 days. Last year BOTH my sisters stayed with us. Its not an issue, we welcome family. Al's close to his too (but not as close).

Given the choice of sleeping with AL or at my sisters, I'd pick AL every time. But I can see wanting to spend the night on special occasions (both my sisters slept at my parents the night before my wedding so we could be together, and we do that for christmas too). I wouldn't make a habit of it unless she lived far away and you didn't want to drive home.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

OMG, Lizlen I am having the same problem. Everything I do, I have to include my parents. I don't know how to stop. My DH is great, and he loves my parents and hates to say no to me, but I can see it wearing him thin... Everything I do is for my family and I know its not healthy, but i can't help it...... My parents just moved back from FL after being there 7 years which I missed them incredibly. NOw that they are back they are bored here and I feel responsible becuase I pressured them to come back, so now I feel its my duty to include them in all my husband and I do. Even going to the movies, i will say, can my parents come. I think I need help................ But i see where you are coming from. And my sister, forget about it. She is the light of my life! :)

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Another thought: if it is to the point where you just see no way to balance it seems like you need to assign days to do things with your family. Maybe one night during the week you have a sisters-only dinner and have pre-determined date nights with DH. That way it is never a problem of making plans with family instead of DH. Then maybe it will help you see what kind of balance you need and everything will fall into place naturally. Same idea with inviting your parents everywhere. Organize montly outings or something.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

I agree with the majority - you have to draw a line with family. I also tend to get a bit carried away with my family - having them over all the time and doing things with/for them.
DH doesn't seem to mind at all, but I always remind myself that I would not like it one bit if he did the same with me, so I cut back.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Hey Liz did you all move to a new place? Not to be in your business but I was just wondering. I just think if you moved and are experiencing something new you may need new rules. However if you are at the same place don't go crazy changing things b/c you got married.


Also I think you can definately still hang with the fam. I am very close with my family. They are here now with us for a week. DH parents would never come down for a week.


We do the same but I make sure Steve has his space.


And no one can come over whenever they want in our house but that was before we got married. I always had that rule.

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Wow Denise...it sounds like you just totally explained the story of my life! Everything we do, I include my family. I have always been close with them and even more so cause my brother is only 16. Since my moms fiance passed away it has also gotten out of control with me. We cannot even go to a movie where I Dont feel obligated to ask them to go..out to dinner, I always invite them. We go on family outings all the time and although I love it..sometimes it gets to be too much. My husband is also wonderful with my family..adores them, but recently it has put some strain on our marriage...he says things like...I want to do things with MY WIFE. And in a way, I dont blame him.

Its also harder for us because we rent from my mom who owns a house but she doesnt live in it. So, she feels she has the right to come over whenever she wants to and although she will go to the basement (separate entrance and the like) how can i let my mom stay down there without inviting her up every single time. Which in turn makes my husband angry sometimes cause he wants to do little things that he feels he should be able to do...like walk around in his underwear..sorry if tmi..lol

Even to vacations...Anthony and I were talking about going to Maine for a few days and when I told my mom, she was like oh yeah I would love that, tell me when we are going. Its very hard because I want to include them in everything but at other times I want to be a married couple with my husband as well. The balance has been absolutely horrible especially since the death in the family and it seems like it keeps getting harder and harder. I too have a gf whose marriage ended almost due to the same balancing act gone wrong. Its scary and I always feel like I am in the middle and that I am basically always the one who winds up not happy.

I am happy to know though, that I am not the only one having problems with this.

By the way Liz, I think its fine to go to your sisters now and then to sleep over. I dont see a problem with that unless Len is dead set against it. It still is your family. I am sooo close with my sis so I understand where you are coming from!

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

Hi Liz!

It's good to see you back on the boards again!

My opinion on your questions is....

1. As far as the vacations go, I think it's still okay for you to go away with your sister once a year. Afterall, you did this before, it's something you enjoy, and it's not like you're going to Hedonism or on some singles cruise. Discuss it with Len and see how he feels about it, though. If he doesn't want you to go alone, is it a trust issue? Communication is so important. But remember it goes both ways, and if you go away without him, he should have the same right to go away without you. How would you feel about that?

2. In terms of sleeping over your sister's house, I don't see anything wrong with that either, as long as it's not frequent, and it's planned in advance. I dont' think it would be okay to just visit your sis and decide to sleep over on the spur of the moment, and call Len and say, 'Oh by the way, I'm spending the night and I'll see you tomorrow. There's leftovers in the fridge.' But telling him you'll be spending the night at your sister's on Friday next week wouldn't be wrong at all.

3. I DONT think it's okay for your family to visit whenever they want, or to come by unexpectedly. Your home is Len's home, too. I think it's only fair to ask him how he feels about company before allowing anyone, family or friends, to come over. I know I wouldn't appreciate my DH's family dropping by unexpectedly. (It should be fun when they're right next door.... ).

And remember that Len has a very different family dynamic than you have. He's not used to such involvement and closeness. I'm sure it feels uncomfortable for him, and might even feel intrusive at first. He needs time to adjust, too!

Other than that Liz, I think you guys will find a good balance as you go along. That's what the first year of marriage is about anyway, adjustments, learning about each other, and establishing a new life.

I think a lot of us might feel guilty now that we're married. We feel obligated to stay very involved with our families or else we feel like we deserted them or something. It's SO important to put Len first, though. Too many marriages break up because family was put before the spouse.

Hang in there Liz. You're gonna do fine!!

Re: Spinoff............ Newlys...... How do you BALANCE

For the girls that have trouble drawing the line b/w family and marriage, did you live on your own, or at home prior to being married? I wonder if that has anything to do with drawing the lines and such...

Because both Lenny and I have lived on our about 1-2 hrs away, even if we're close, no parents will drop by or expect us to go shopping or go on vacations with them. We keep in touch over the phone and email, and visit each set of family about once a month or once in 2 months or so.

So perhaps its more 'living on your own' thing vs. marriage? Otherwise, I don't understand why it should be different from when you were engaged.