LIWeddings.com
Post New Topic

UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

Original post by sadbride08

I am posting this anonymously because I am obviously distraught.

Last night DH & I had a terrible fight. It started over money, as most fights do. But it escalated. And as it often does, it got ugly....

I was yelling at him & telling him to get out. This is not the first time I have asked him repeatedly to leave. I was shouting at him to “get out”, “leave”, “I don’t want you to live here anymore.” He shoved me. I shoved him back. He shoved me again & we fell onto the bed. He was lying on top of me & holding my hands down. So I bit him his arm. Hard. REALLY hard. I had to get him off me.

He got up, looked at the bite mark, grabbed his coat & started saying how he was going to have me arrested. He said that I shouldn’t plan on going to work today because I would be in jail. Then he stormed out.

I sat for a few minutes wondering what to do. So I called the police station & said “my husband is on his way down there. He is going to tell you that I bit him & to arrest me. I did bite him, but it was only because he was on top of me. What should I do?”

They took my name & address, asked me what happened. I told them. They sent 2 officers to my house. They took a statement. They asked if I wanted to press charges. I said no. They asked if I wanted him out for the night. I said no, that he was allowed to come home.

Then DH called. He said he had calmed down. He asked of he could come home & I said yes.

Then the police called & said after talking to their sergeant & reviewing the case, that they had to arrest him. They said “call us when he comes home & we’ll come pick him up. “ I asked them to please not do that because he calmed down & I told him he could come home. I said “I told him it was ok to come back here & now you’re going to arrest him? That makes me look horrible. He’ll think I trapped him.” They said “ok, well then just have him come here & give us his side of the story. We just want to talk to him.” Ok sounds good.

They asked for his cell #. I gave it. He calls 30 seconds later & says “did you call the police?” I said yes. He said “they want me to come down there. Are they going to arrest me?” I said “no they just want to talk to you.”

Well, I don’t know what the hell he said but the arrested him. Then I get a call from a family friend saying that not only did they arrest him, but that he cannot come near me or the house until after his court date on Jan 30th. They also gave a “no contact order” so he cannot call me, email, text me or contact me in anyway.

I am devastated. We fight SO BAD but I feel awful about this. His own mother said to me this morning that this is the wake up call he needs.

We fight a lot. There is screaming often. He can be REALLY nice for a week or two but then he becomes an a$$hole again. He calls me a fat f#ck (I’m a size 4), he says I can’t cook, he says “you f#ck up everything”. He verbally very abusive.

I have BEGGED him to come with me to counseling. I am on prozac now because I am so unhappy. I have been seeing someone (therapist) . He REFUSES and says that prozac & therapy are for “weak people”.

He has nowhere to go. His mother let him stay with her last night but she threw him out this morning. She says the whole family is on my side. But a part of me feels SO BAD for him. He must be hurting. I wanted to cover my a$$ so I didn’t get arrested but I didn’t want him out on his a$$ for a week & homeless. I want to talk to him & I can’t & it’s killing me.

His mother said that when we go to court on the 30th that I should tell the judge that I want us to go to counseling and maybe he’ll MAKE DH go with me….

I am hoping that this wakes him up but I am scared that it may end in divorce. I don’t really know what to do. Right now I just needed some support. I am at work & hiding my tears. I don’t want anyone here to know. I am afraid to tell my family. And I am embarrassed that we might not be able to get through this.


see update below...
sadbride08 Posted:

Re: A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

Posted by Colette


Sweetie in addition to all the counsel and advice posted already, the only thing I'd add (and you don't have to answer here) is whether there is any kind of substance abuse involved (alcohol/drugs/pills/etc).. The rage and volatility may be secondary issues if so...

:


Nope - he's clean as a whistle. Barely drinks & never done drugs. He's just a really miserable guy. And he was never like this. This all started recently.
DNicholes Posted:

Re: A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

Posted by MrsQ-in2007

First off, YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL EMBARRASSED AT ALL. You said yourself that HIS OWN family is on your side - they must know the situation is bad if they immediately sided with you. I know that most families will side with blood first and then later hear the other side of the story. The fact that they have sided with you right away is very telling - and points to the fact that your DH indeed is abusive and they know it.

Secondly, Melissa is absolutely right on everything she said. Obviously her DH is a cop, so she knows the law. I have seen it happen first hand where if you call the police for a domestic incident, they WILL and MUST arrest the person/aggressor/etc because in domestic violence incidents usually the abusee will not willingly press charges for fear of retaliation, so by law they go ahead even without your consent. Even if it IS your first time ever calling the cops.

Now to those that think you shouldn't have called the cops - lay off this woman. Seriously, until you are in the situation where you have been emotionally and verbally abused, and threatened to be arrested for DEFENDING YOURSELF (yes, she bit him, but he was holding her down and she was probably scared - it was a self defense reaction! It's not like they were arguing and she suddenly grabbed his arm and bit the crap out of him!), then please don't pass judgment on someone else. This NW is obviously very distraught and I think what she came here for and what she needs is support, not someone else telling her she did something wrong, which she didn't.

Can you imagine being scared you're going to be arrested and just trying to tell the cops your side of the story? This is what she did. She didn't intend for him to get arrested and even though he calmed down, the fact remains that the situation was escalating to a physical issue and it really does only get worse. You cannot change another person, BUT people can change themselves. I've seen it happen. It is possible. BUT the person has to find that whithin themselves and make that change because they recognize they need to change and because they WANT to change. So maybe this WILL be a wake up call for your DH.

I know you're hurting right now and feeling bad about it. Just remember that nothing would ever get better in the long run with how things were going. You said yourself that he could be great for a little while and then it all happens again. This is a repetitive cycle and will not just resolve itself. It will only get worse unless you both get help. And it seems this is at least one step towards getting help.

I wish you lots of luck and pray that you find strength within yourself to face these issues. Just remember that you DESERVE to be happy, you DESERVE to NOT be put down, you DESERVE to live a life where you're not constantly being yelled at.

Please please FM me if you want to talk or post on the boards for advise or to vent. Please let us know how everything goes with the court date. I hate that you're in this situation, but maybe it was time for for you not to have to live like that.




Totally agree with you. I don't think I could add anything else to this. It's everything I would've said to you and just in general.

I am SO sorry you are going through. Don't EVER feel embarassed. If you need to talk, please feel free to FM.



sadbride08 Posted:

UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

UPDATE

I received a call from DH's attorney who is a friend of his. He asked me to go to the court house & drop the no contact order so we can at least talk.

I said I wanted him to agree to go to counseling & I wanted it in writing. He said DH agreed. The attorney told me to write something up & fax it over.

But THEN.... DH's godfather who we are very close with, called me & said 'I was just with him and I don't think you should let him off the hook so easily. He has made this all about him'

Apparently DH said 'I wish she would sent that f*cking fax over so I can go home & take a shower. When is going to get to that courthouse?'

He did not say 'I miss my wife'
He did not say 'I am sorry'
He did not say 'I'll do whatever it takes.'

He instead said that he needed to get home so he could pack his bags to go away with his friends this weekend (something we argued about as well).

Something makes me think maybe I won't make it to the courthouse today..... maybe he needs a little more time to think this over. I'm not trying to be funny. I really think that he doesn't GET IT.

FullersBride Posted:

Re: A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

Posted by sadbride08

Posted by Colette


Sweetie in addition to all the counsel and advice posted already, the only thing I'd add (and you don't have to answer here) is whether there is any kind of substance abuse involved (alcohol/drugs/pills/etc).. The rage and volatility may be secondary issues if so...

:


Nope - he's clean as a whistle. Barely drinks & never done drugs. He's just a really miserable guy. And he was never like this. This all started recently.



Did anythign change recepntly? A sick parent? Trouble at work? really bad financial situation? Maybe he is ahving a hard itme dealing with emotions ain a healthy and safe way and needs to learn how to do so. Many men don't know how to express emotionally other than getting loud and angry. Maybe he needs some guidance on this.


If this is totally new and has never happened before maybe something is going on that needs some looking into. THis does not justify what he did or make it any less bad but it is worth looking into!
FullersBride Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

Posted by sadbride08

UPDATE

I received a call from DH's attorney who is a friend of his. He asked me to go to the court house & drop the no contact order so we can at least talk.

I said I wanted him to agree to go to counseling & I wanted it in writing. He said DH agreed. The attorney told me to write something up & fax it over.

But THEN.... DH's godfather who we are very close with, called me & said 'I was just with him and I don't think you should let him off the hook so easily. He has made this all about him'

Apparently DH said 'I wish she would sent that f*cking fax over so I can go home & take a shower. When is going to get to that courthouse?'

He did not say 'I miss my wife'
He did not say 'I am sorry'
He did not say 'I'll do whatever it takes.'

He instead said that he needed to get home so he could pack his bags to go away with his friends this weekend (something we argued about as well).

Something makes me think maybe I won't make it to the courthouse today..... maybe he needs a little more time to think this over. I'm not trying to be funny. I really think that he doesn't GET IT.




I wouldn't rush to do anything like that. I think you need to get a lawyer as well. Find a women's crisis center they should be able to help you. You both need time away from each other.
Jennifer907 Posted:

Re: A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

First, . No one should have to go through something like this. I'm so sorry you are in this situation right now.

You really need to take some time away right now. I will say this. My mother was in a very abusive relationship. It started as verbal abuse. It ended when he locked her and my brother in a closet for 3 days and raped her with a metal coat hanger. He's now doing 15 years behind bars. My mother had to have several surgeries to fix what he did. The worst result is that my little brother grew up in that environment and nwo thinks it's okay for him to beat my mother. He's 13 years old and is now in juvie (I believe - haven't talked to them in a few months).

The take away is to seriously think about your future. You deserve so much more than this. People can change if THEY WANT TO. But they don't always change. We're here to support you.
B22 Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

Posted by sadbride08

UPDATE

I received a call from DH's attorney who is a friend of his. He asked me to go to the court house & drop the no contact order so we can at least talk.

I said I wanted him to agree to go to counseling & I wanted it in writing. He said DH agreed. The attorney told me to write something up & fax it over.

But THEN.... DH's godfather who we are very close with, called me & said 'I was just with him and I don't think you should let him off the hook so easily. He has made this all about him'

Apparently DH said 'I wish she would sent that f*cking fax over so I can go home & take a shower. When is going to get to that courthouse?'

He did not say 'I miss my wife'
He did not say 'I am sorry'
He did not say 'I'll do whatever it takes.'

He instead said that he needed to get home so he could pack his bags to go away with his friends this weekend (something we argued about as well).

Something makes me think maybe I won't make it to the courthouse today..... maybe he needs a little more time to think this over. I'm not trying to be funny. I really think that he doesn't GET IT.



your husband sounds like an @sshole and I think you deserve better...
PeteysBride Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

Posted by sadbride08

UPDATE

I received a call from DH's attorney who is a friend of his. He asked me to go to the court house & drop the no contact order so we can at least talk.

I said I wanted him to agree to go to counseling & I wanted it in writing. He said DH agreed. The attorney told me to write something up & fax it over.

But THEN.... DH's godfather who we are very close with, called me & said 'I was just with him and I don't think you should let him off the hook so easily. He has made this all about him'

Apparently DH said 'I wish she would sent that f*cking fax over so I can go home & take a shower. When is going to get to that courthouse?'

He did not say 'I miss my wife'
He did not say 'I am sorry'
He did not say 'I'll do whatever it takes.'

He instead said that he needed to get home so he could pack his bags to go away with his friends this weekend (something we argued about as well).

Something makes me think maybe I won't make it to the courthouse today..... maybe he needs a little more time to think this over. I'm not trying to be funny. I really think that he doesn't GET IT.



I have a feeling my original point was misconstrued by some of the adies after me so I’m going to try and explain myself better thorough a personal example.

MY boyfriend before DH was probably my first real love. We got along pretty well though we had some major issues. One being we were long distance; he ws in buffalo I was in NYC. But we tried to make it work.

Well one night when I was up there we were in bed and he got a little rough-placed his hands around ym neck and squeezed. Not hard enough to make me choke but hard enough to make me panic. He never did it again but he didn’t explain it either. It was weird because he was the typical small town guy; all his family members were police officers or firefighters. ALL of em and his mother was one of 10, his father one of 7.

I knew he liked to drink but he always treated me well and everyone liked him. So I was never afraid of him till one night we argued. He barely raised his voice but he walked out. I stayed home crying. When his best friend of forever called me, I was froggy sounding. She asked what was wrong and I said nada. There was a VERY long pause and then she asked…”Did he hit you?”

I was floored. I mean WHY would she even ask such a thing? I tried to get her to explain but she just laughed and changed the topic saying she was just silly.

we broke up shortly after that because he was becoming very distant and emotionally detached, using that as a form of abuse. He NEVER laid a finger on me and yet…my hackles were always raised. Like I felt BAD because He “didn’t abuse me” not really right? Yet WHY would anyone assume the worst of a “nice guy” who is their best friend?

Basically what I am saying is, your husband doesn’t have to hit you to be abusive. If you get out without a scratch DON’T feel guilty or make it seem less than the atrocity it is. I felt guilty calling him abusive because he DIDN’T hit me, but that’s so stupid. Just because he didn’t, doesn’t mean he COULDN’T Have. I was still a victim.

If you love your husband and think he is worth trying to work it out, and then do that. But if he REFUSES to change, honey, you CANNOT change him nor can you sacrifice yourself. Use this as a wake-up call and really think about what you want to do. Stay with family or friends who love you and can support you emotionally because you need it right now. Talk to someone. THEN go from there and when you do approach your husband, go with non negotiable rules like “You CANNOT speak to me this way anymore.” And “We HAVE to go to therapy to save our marriage.”

Because at this point, its really very serious and he needs to really have that point hammered home. If he doesn't get it he NEEDS TO like ASAP because he is an adult. DO NOT make excuses for him. He is a grownup-he knows right from wrong. When you talk to him, be calm but as i said, be to the point and unbudging on the things you expect, like courtsey and therapy for you both. if he refuses...he obviously isn't willing to fight FOR you...just with you, and you deserve MUCH better than that.

Good luck!
diva7531 Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

All the advice here makes sense, but you should get some legal advice as well and call your therapist. This is not something that will be fixed overnight. If he can do this to you, what will he be like with your kids. Life has it's ups and downs, but he has to learn to deal with them. The verbal abuse alone would makeme leave, I and YOU deserve better than that. I am very sorry that someone you care about could treat you that way, Good Luck and please seek professional advice!

PattyK Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

Posted by MrsQ-in2007

First off, YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL EMBARRASSED AT ALL. You said yourself that HIS OWN family is on your side - they must know the situation is bad if they immediately sided with you. I know that most families will side with blood first and then later hear the other side of the story. The fact that they have sided with you right away is very telling - and points to the fact that your DH indeed is abusive and they know it.

Secondly, Melissa is absolutely right on everything she said. Obviously her DH is a cop, so she knows the law. I have seen it happen first hand where if you call the police for a domestic incident, they WILL and MUST arrest the person/aggressor/etc because in domestic violence incidents usually the abusee will not willingly press charges for fear of retaliation, so by law they go ahead even without your consent. Even if it IS your first time ever calling the cops.

Now to those that think you shouldn't have called the cops - lay off this woman. Seriously, until you are in the situation where you have been emotionally and verbally abused, and threatened to be arrested for DEFENDING YOURSELF (yes, she bit him, but he was holding her down and she was probably scared - it was a self defense reaction! It's not like they were arguing and she suddenly grabbed his arm and bit the crap out of him!), then please don't pass judgment on someone else. This NW is obviously very distraught and I think what she came here for and what she needs is support, not someone else telling her she did something wrong, which she didn't.

Can you imagine being scared you're going to be arrested and just trying to tell the cops your side of the story? This is what she did. She didn't intend for him to get arrested and even though he calmed down, the fact remains that the situation was escalating to a physical issue and it really does only get worse. You cannot change another person, BUT people can change themselves. I've seen it happen. It is possible. BUT the person has to find that whithin themselves and make that change because they recognize they need to change and because they WANT to change. So maybe this WILL be a wake up call for your DH.

I know you're hurting right now and feeling bad about it. Just remember that nothing would ever get better in the long run with how things were going. You said yourself that he could be great for a little while and then it all happens again. This is a repetitive cycle and will not just resolve itself. It will only get worse unless you both get help. And it seems this is at least one step towards getting help.

I wish you lots of luck and pray that you find strength within yourself to face these issues. Just remember that you DESERVE to be happy, you DESERVE to NOT be put down, you DESERVE to live a life where you're not constantly being yelled at.

Please please FM me if you want to talk or post on the boards for advise or to vent. Please let us know how everything goes with the court date. I hate that you're in this situation, but maybe it was time for for you not to have to live like that.




I agree. Don't doubt yourself, you did the right thing and you have nothing to be embarassed of. Remember we are all here for you if you need us.
Summer07Bride Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

I think the time apart for the two of you will be a good idea. You definitely need to seek counseling. This is way past a simple argument where one person got too heated. I hope that you can get passed this, but I also hope you do what is in your best interest. It sounds like you are in an unpredictable environment and I hope it get better after this experience.
MJDoc12 Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

Posted by sadbride08

UPDATE

I received a call from DH's attorney who is a friend of his. He asked me to go to the court house & drop the no contact order so we can at least talk.

I said I wanted him to agree to go to counseling & I wanted it in writing. He said DH agreed. The attorney told me to write something up & fax it over.

But THEN.... DH's godfather who we are very close with, called me & said 'I was just with him and I don't think you should let him off the hook so easily. He has made this all about him'

Apparently DH said 'I wish she would sent that f*cking fax over so I can go home & take a shower. When is going to get to that courthouse?'

He did not say 'I miss my wife'
He did not say 'I am sorry'
He did not say 'I'll do whatever it takes.'

He instead said that he needed to get home so he could pack his bags to go away with his friends this weekend (something we argued about as well).

Something makes me think maybe I won't make it to the courthouse today..... maybe he needs a little more time to think this over. I'm not trying to be funny. I really think that he doesn't GET IT.




honestly---i think you know what kind of guy you are married to....this isn't something too surprising for you. it seems like you know WHAT you should do but just don't know how to do it or whether you have the guts to do it. okay so if you don't go to the courthouse...what happens next? is this going to be a game that you guys play and then eventually it will get resolved? make sure you take this 100% seriously---he sounds like a total douchebag to me....and i think you should contact an attorney and not just 'teach him a lesson' but figure out if you really need to stay in this marriage
Aug07OFCbride Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

I am so sorry to read this and to hear what you are going through right now. It must be very difficult because you care about him, and I understand that. BUT...you did NOTHING wrong by calling the police. You may have called as you say to 'save your @ss.' But this separation may truly be God sent and may save you from something far worse happening. Noone deserves to be verbally abused, and no woman deserves to be held down and frightened like that. You should never have to worry of what he is truly capable of. Do not blame yourself or feel guilt for what has happened. Take this time that you will be separated from him to really clear your head and to think about what you want in your life. Definitely seek the help of your therapist in this!!! This is not what a marriage is about. Its about partnership, trust, etc. It is NOT abusive. I sincerely hope that the judge orders him to get counseling. And I pray for you both.

I am frightened and appaulled by advice on this thread that says you did something wrong by calling the police! (or even for biting him! biting in a normal circumstance...maybe weird. Biting when your HUSBAND is PINNING you down...far from weird). Please do not be fooled into feeling bad for taking care of yourself and potentially preventing something far worse. Yes, maybe he would have calmed down on his own, but maybe he didnt and maybe he would have come back and it would have been worse..or maybe this would have passed, but it sounds like it would only continue in the future! If you send him the message that he can just come home after something like that, he may start to think his actions are okay and that he can get away with it. This may be the first time that he is held accountable for treating you like this.

Many many prayers. Take care of yourself!!!!

eta: youre right...he does need to 'get it'...but im sorry to say that I doubt just one more day there isn't going to do that for him, ya know?
rmsgirl Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

The most important thing right now is to protect your immediate safety. Before you make a decision about the fax or anything else, you should call the hotline or a lawyer for guidance. Your safety comes first.

There is lots of time for counseling, talking and thinking things through. The questions and answers about your marriage, why this has started and what is best for you will take time. However, your safety comes first and that is the immediate priority.

Renee615 Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

Posted by FullersBride

Posted by sadbride08

UPDATE

I received a call from DH's attorney who is a friend of his. He asked me to go to the court house & drop the no contact order so we can at least talk.

I said I wanted him to agree to go to counseling & I wanted it in writing. He said DH agreed. The attorney told me to write something up & fax it over.

But THEN.... DH's godfather who we are very close with, called me & said 'I was just with him and I don't think you should let him off the hook so easily. He has made this all about him'

Apparently DH said 'I wish she would sent that f*cking fax over so I can go home & take a shower. When is going to get to that courthouse?'

He did not say 'I miss my wife'
He did not say 'I am sorry'
He did not say 'I'll do whatever it takes.'

He instead said that he needed to get home so he could pack his bags to go away with his friends this weekend (something we argued about as well).

Something makes me think maybe I won't make it to the courthouse today..... maybe he needs a little more time to think this over. I'm not trying to be funny. I really think that he doesn't GET IT.



I absolutely agree. It sounds like he hasn't learned a thing and nothing will change if that is the case. You need to show him that you are serious and that major changes need to be made.


I wouldn't rush to do anything like that. I think you need to get a lawyer as well. Find a women's crisis center they should be able to help you. You both need time away from each other.
MrsQ-in2007 Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

I just saw your update. It really does seem that he doesn't get it. Yes, he's probably upset, but he really doesn't think he did anything wrong - his own family told you so. He's making it about himself - an abuser always does.

I agree that you should get yourself an attorney - you should know what your rights AND your options are. Just like he probably needs more than one day to think things over, so do you. And you need to make informed decisions - your DH's attorney is his FRIEND, of course he wants you to sign the papers and do what your DH wants. But it's time that you think about you for a bit. Get an attorney, call one of the hotlines. Get advice. Think about things, see your options. Then make a decision.

Again, sending you lots of hugs and prayers!
SylvieB Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

I'm really sorry your going through this, especially being a newlywed.

I would suggest calling VIBS, they provide information for victims of abuse and domestic violence. I believe they also provide legal assistance. Their # is 360-3606.

Good Luck
Christys0925 Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

All I can say is I am so sorry and to PLEASE be careful. I was in a realationship before DH that was very similar except after the shoving it started to get more violent. He even hit me with my own car. Sometimes they are not willing to change . The sad thing is I would still be miserable and be a punching bag if he had not passed away. So Please be careful! Don't live were you feel you are walking on egg shells because your afraid it will set him off again. If you ever need to talk please do not hesitate to FM me or I can give you my phone number. I have been through this and I know how hard it can be!!
I am wishing you the best of luck and I will keep you in my prayers!
sadbride08 Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I just got off the phone with the assistant to a great domestic relationship attorney. Waiting for him to call me back before I make any decisions.

cookiemonster Posted:

Re: UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

Posted by sadbride08

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I just got off the phone with the assistant to a great domestic relationship attorney. Waiting for him to call me back before I make any decisions.



Good for you - you do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe and, in the long run, happy. You deserve better than this.

Reply to this topic

Log in to reply or quote a post.