UPDATE A sad long, anonymous thread. Don't know what to do....

I am posting this anonymously because I am obviously distraught.

Last night DH & I had a terrible fight. It started over money, as most fights do. But it escalated. And as it often does, it got ugly....

I was yelling at him & telling him to get out. This is not the first time I have asked him repeatedly to leave. I was shouting at him to “get out”, “leave”, “I don’t want you to live here anymore.” He shoved me. I shoved him back. He shoved me again & we fell onto the bed. He was lying on top of me & holding my hands down. So I bit him his arm. Hard. REALLY hard. I had to get him off me.

He got up, looked at the bite mark, grabbed his coat & started saying how he was going to have me arrested. He said that I shouldn’t plan on going to work today because I would be in jail. Then he stormed out.

I sat for a few minutes wondering what to do. So I called the police station & said “my husband is on his way down there. He is going to tell you that I bit him & to arrest me. I did bite him, but it was only because he was on top of me. What should I do?”

They took my name & address, asked me what happened. I told them. They sent 2 officers to my house. They took a statement. They asked if I wanted to press charges. I said no. They asked if I wanted him out for the night. I said no, that he was allowed to come home.

Then DH called. He said he had calmed down. He asked of he could come home & I said yes.

Then the police called & said after talking to their sergeant & reviewing the case, that they had to arrest him. They said “call us when he comes home & we’ll come pick him up. “ I asked them to please not do that because he calmed down & I told him he could come home. I said “I told him it was ok to come back here & now you’re going to arrest him? That makes me look horrible. He’ll think I trapped him.” They said “ok, well then just have him come here & give us his side of the story. We just want to talk to him.” Ok sounds good.

They asked for his cell #. I gave it. He calls 30 seconds later & says “did you call the police?” I said yes. He said “they want me to come down there. Are they going to arrest me?” I said “no they just want to talk to you.”

Well, I don’t know what the hell he said but the arrested him. Then I get a call from a family friend saying that not only did they arrest him, but that he cannot come near me or the house until after his court date on Jan 30th. They also gave a “no contact order” so he cannot call me, email, text me or contact me in anyway.

I am devastated. We fight SO BAD but I feel awful about this. His own mother said to me this morning that this is the wake up call he needs.

We fight a lot. There is screaming often. He can be REALLY nice for a week or two but then he becomes an a$$hole again. He calls me a fat f#ck (I’m a size 4), he says I can’t cook, he says “you f#ck up everything”. He verbally very abusive.

I have BEGGED him to come with me to counseling. I am on prozac now because I am so unhappy. I have been seeing someone (therapist) . He REFUSES and says that prozac & therapy are for “weak people”.

He has nowhere to go. His mother let him stay with her last night but she threw him out this morning. She says the whole family is on my side. But a part of me feels SO BAD for him. He must be hurting. I wanted to cover my a$$ so I didn’t get arrested but I didn’t want him out on his a$$ for a week & homeless. I want to talk to him & I can’t & it’s killing me.

His mother said that when we go to court on the 30th that I should tell the judge that I want us to go to counseling and maybe he’ll MAKE DH go with me….

I am hoping that this wakes him up but I am scared that it may end in divorce. I don’t really know what to do. Right now I just needed some support. I am at work & hiding my tears. I don’t want anyone here to know. I am afraid to tell my family. And I am embarrassed that we might not be able to get through this.


see update below...

if he needs a wake up call, then perhaps divorce isn't the worst thing that could happen, you know?

Is this something that happens often? I can't understand how the police could be involved if this was a first time thing.

Maybe you should think about seperating if you fight to this extent. Especially if you were afraid that HE was going to call the cops on YOU.

I wish you well.

I'm so sorry your going through this, you must feel so scared and alone and terrified.

I've been in a verbally and physically abusive relationship in the past and I know what it is like to feel trapped and like there is no way out.

While it is normal for couples to fight and yell at each other the physical pushing and verbal abuse is not good! Even if he won't go see a counselor please go and see one yourself. You need to have someone who you can talk to and hopefully help you to get out of this mess.

I think you need to spend some time alone and try and take care of yourself, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!!!!!

FM if you ever need to talk


I for you



edited to add: DO NOT FEEL EMBARRASED!! You did nothing worng, he is the one who should be embarrased.

Im so sorry that u are going through this and i can opnly imaginehow u feel not being able to talk tohim at all... BUT maybe this is a good time to take a step back and reevaluate things.
Being on prozac cuz u are so unhappy is the 1st thing u shouldbe looking at. U SHOULD NOT be unhappy.ur a newly wed who should be loving life right now. yes wdo all couples fight but not to that extent. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

Hopefully u guys do see a councelor and can work things out

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Posted by carolinep24

if he needs a wake up call, then perhaps divorce isn't the worst thing that could happen, you know?

Is this something that happens often? I can't understand how the police could be involved if this was a first time thing.

Maybe you should think about seperating if you fight to this extent. Especially if you were afraid that HE was going to call the cops on YOU.

I wish you well.

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Not to be insensitive but....This isnt your first post about unhappiness in your life. I know you said in your first post that you're a regular bride who wants to remain annonymous so you do your griping under this name, but reallly..this sounds like some SERIOUS issue...Like you guys need to get your @sses to counseling ASAP because I know I am a real PITA; fighter, screamer, I curse and am AWFUL, but NEVER would it get to the point of disresepct between us that the police would have to get involved....

I would consider this a massive wake up call and really re-examine my marriage and what I wanted out of it. You and DH need to sit down and figure out a plan of action. Go to a therapist, go talk to a priest if you are religious, SOMETHING ASAP. If he refuses to get help and keeps mistreating you, You need to GET TEH FAWK OUT OF THERE. Don't complain about it, don't look for sympathy. Just try and take a breath and shove the hurt down long enough to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

You guys were bothr eally out of line from what you wrote and not trying to be judgemental but honestly, you CANNOT survive in a marriage if you respect each other so little...We all have fights (DH and I have some doozies) but when it gets physical no matter who staretd it, thats a MAJOR recipe for disaster. If he cannot honor his vows to love, respect and PROTECT you especially from his own wrath, you need out.

I hope you guys can get it together. Just remember...you're only a victim if you allow yourself to be. You dont deserve abuse and definetly if you want kids..they do NOT need to see their moma bused or be abused themselves. Good luck.

i'm so sorry you're going through this!

my only piece of advice? BREATHE. no matter what happens or what you decide, it won't change things right this moment. just take one big breath after another and really take time to think about what happened, what's been done, what you want and how to get that accomplished. NO ONE IS RUSHING YOU! please you have to take some time...meditate!

I have no idea what to say that would help you feel better, but I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I can totally understand how you'd have such conflicted feelings about this. I hope that your DH is able to get the help he needs and that you can both put this behind you in the way that works best for both of you. But as a PP said, you should absolutely NEVER feel embarrassed or ashamed for having a problem or for asking for help. Never, ever be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

first...let me say i'm soooo sorry that you are dealing with this.


BUT -- he sounds like a very abusive person.....verbally & emotionally---and this last fight he stepped it up to physical. please don't think that because he didn't 'hit you' that he wasn't being physically abusive---he put his hands on you and that is NOT OKAY NO MATTER WHAT!! i don't care how angry you get....shoving and holding you down is a sign that the situation was escalating....and next time you could have a broken jaw or black eye.

as for the police--my DH is a cop and he gets calls like that all the time. it is the cop's responsibility to make sure that you are safe. in cases of domestic abuse like that--they MUST move forward with a case, even if you do not want to press charges. thats standard procedure. obviously later on, if you don't cooperate with the DA, that can hinder the case. but if they don't arrest and process him and it turns out that he hurts you or kills you later......they can at least say 'we tried to help this girl, and she didnt' want it.' they are trying to protect you---even if it means protecting you from yourself.

your husband needs help---he is an abuser and your post sounds like a typical abusee. you blame yourself......you bit him (in self defense)...you were telling him to leave (rightfully so)....you called the cops (since he was gonna call them on you).....you 'turned him in' (again--like you should have) and now he was arrested and its all your fault. guess what ... IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND HE HAS BROKEN YOU DOWN EMOTIONALLY AND MADE YOU BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THE RELATIONSHIP IS YOU AND NOT HIM. This is the #1 way that abusers control their abusees...by making it seem like it was their fault. the standard 'if you didn't p!ss me off so much, i wouldn't have to yell' or 'if you didn't b*tch to me all the time i wouldn't have to smack you around' or 'damnitt...if you just didn't get fat, i wouldn't have to always let you know you are a cow...do you LIKE seeing me this mad???'

i'm sure some of this sounds familiar to you...now that you sit down and read it.

please get yourself some help -- counseling, therapist, or even a domestic abuse hotline. he is toxic for you and if he doesn't get help---you really must consider whether this is the relationship you should be in. because if he won't admit he has a problem---this WILL escalate and get worse.

First of all do NOT be embarrassed! Woman are in abusive relationships everyday...it is not your fault your husband is abusive, but allowing it to continue would be the worst thing.

There is absolutely no reason you need to have someone verbally degrading you and trying to steal away any thread of self esteem you have left...it sounds like he is the insecure one and by him tearing you apart makes him feel like more of a man.

It often starts with words and turns to physical violence...there is no reason he should've shoved you...you have to ask what will be next...a black eye? I am sure the police could probably even refer you to a support group for abused woman...this may help you sort things out by talking to other woman going thru or been thru the same thing.

If even his mom is saying it's time for his wake up call...then maybe it's a good thing the police are already involved. Please know that we are all here to support you and this is nothing to be ashamed of at all!!!

awwwww... I feel bad for you, its such a tough sitaution, I've been in a past relationship that was similar, but he never changed, and he actually got arrested, and that was MY wake up call to get out.

I know that you love him, ALOT, but you can't change a person. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, they have to be the grown up that they are, and take charge of their own life, and make the changes needed to be a normal being.

I hope it all works out for you, and that he did get the wake up call that he needs. Be prepared that you guys have a long raod ahead, but at least you know that this is not a healthy realtionship and you are willing on working on things.

I hope it all works out for you guys. GL

I am sorry that you are going through this and wish that there was something I could do.

I'm not sure where you live, but here are two hotline numbers in case you need someone to talk to:

Suffolk County Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 631-666-8833

Nassau County Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 516-542-0404.

I used to work for the Nassau group. They are wonderful.

I secondJenn and Melissa. This is such a tough situation sweetie and I'm so sorry that you are going through this. we love you and are here for you.

Oh, sweetie, I don't know what to say. I'm sure you're hurting really bad right now. But the thought of the situation you're in breaks my heart. I have a dear friend who was in a relationship like that for a very long time. It wears you down.

Please do what you have to do for yourself. Everyone deserves to be happy!!

Sending many prayers your way.

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Posted by PeteysBride




Not to be insensitive but....This isnt your first post about unhappiness in your life. I know you said in your first post that you're a regular bride who wants to remain annonymous so you do your griping under this name, but reallly..this sounds like some SERIOUS issue...

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This is her first post... I think there have been other 'sadbride' anonymous posts.

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Posted by carolinep24

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Posted by PeteysBride




Not to be insensitive but....This isnt your first post about unhappiness in your life. I know you said in your first post that you're a regular bride who wants to remain annonymous so you do your griping under this name, but reallly..this sounds like some SERIOUS issue...

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This is her first post... I think their have been other 'sadbride' anonymous posts.

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O OK. Its still an annonymous post and those always seem to have the worst kind of situations involved. She just needs to get help ASAP.

I really don't know what to say other than I am sorry you are going through this!! I can't imagine how you feel, but please do what makes you happy, you'll know in your heart what is right!!

First off, YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL EMBARRASSED AT ALL. You said yourself that HIS OWN family is on your side - they must know the situation is bad if they immediately sided with you. I know that most families will side with blood first and then later hear the other side of the story. The fact that they have sided with you right away is very telling - and points to the fact that your DH indeed is abusive and they know it.

Secondly, Melissa is absolutely right on everything she said. Obviously her DH is a cop, so she knows the law. I have seen it happen first hand where if you call the police for a domestic incident, they WILL and MUST arrest the person/aggressor/etc because in domestic violence incidents usually the abusee will not willingly press charges for fear of retaliation, so by law they go ahead even without your consent. Even if it IS your first time ever calling the cops.

Now to those that think you shouldn't have called the cops - lay off this woman. Seriously, until you are in the situation where you have been emotionally and verbally abused, and threatened to be arrested for DEFENDING YOURSELF (yes, she bit him, but he was holding her down and she was probably scared - it was a self defense reaction! It's not like they were arguing and she suddenly grabbed his arm and bit the crap out of him!), then please don't pass judgment on someone else. This NW is obviously very distraught and I think what she came here for and what she needs is support, not someone else telling her she did something wrong, which she didn't.

Can you imagine being scared you're going to be arrested and just trying to tell the cops your side of the story? This is what she did. She didn't intend for him to get arrested and even though he calmed down, the fact remains that the situation was escalating to a physical issue and it really does only get worse. You cannot change another person, BUT people can change themselves. I've seen it happen. It is possible. BUT the person has to find that whithin themselves and make that change because they recognize they need to change and because they WANT to change. So maybe this WILL be a wake up call for your DH.

I know you're hurting right now and feeling bad about it. Just remember that nothing would ever get better in the long run with how things were going. You said yourself that he could be great for a little while and then it all happens again. This is a repetitive cycle and will not just resolve itself. It will only get worse unless you both get help. And it seems this is at least one step towards getting help.

I wish you lots of luck and pray that you find strength within yourself to face these issues. Just remember that you DESERVE to be happy, you DESERVE to NOT be put down, you DESERVE to live a life where you're not constantly being yelled at.

Please please FM me if you want to talk or post on the boards for advise or to vent. Please let us know how everything goes with the court date. I hate that you're in this situation, but maybe it was time for for you not to have to live like that.

Wow this is a terrible situation all around, for you, your DH, and your families. If it helps at all I would ABSOLUTELY have called the cops first if someone threatened me with being arrested!!!!

Sweetie in addition to all the counsel and advice posted already, the only thing I'd add (and you don't have to answer here) is whether there is any kind of substance abuse involved (alcohol/drugs/pills/etc).. The rage and volatility may be secondary issues if so...

If that's the case the bad news is your DH's problem is much more profound than simple anger or a lack of communication skills, but the good news is there's help available... We've all seen MANY marriages break up over that issue.. but i've also seen MIRACLES happen when someone gets the help they need and commit to getting healthy...

If you think that's part of the underlying problem please reach out for help - both for yourself and DH. Even if he wont accept help, there are tremendous resources available to the families who suffer as well; more than happy to run a few by you if you'd like to FM me.

Stay strong, give each other some space, and just know that you are surrounded by people both here and offline who can help you during this time.