Am I being unreasonable? Very long...UPDATED!

As some of you may know, FH and I have been having some major stuff going on lately and have had to change our wedding plans. Originally, we were planning a Sunday afternoon wedding for approximately 200 people at the Woodbury Country Club. It was to be a typical Long Island wedding with all the trimmings and as close to the wedding of my dreams as we could afford.

Since the end of February, when our problems really started, FH expressed concerns over whether we should have the big '4-hour party' (I hate calling it that, even though a wedding really is a party) or if we should consider alternatives. After a while, I finally agreed that maybe we should scale back a bit and we were going to cut our guest list in half and look for a really nice restaurant that could cater 100 people for the wedding.

Recently, though, I finally snapped and got fed up with all the bullsh*t that we were dealing with and finally gave in and told FH that we should just have a small, intimate wedding with our families and bridal party, which is approximately 30 people. I told FH that if we were going to go so small, that I wanted it to be the most elegant, high class small affair we could afford. Afterall, it is still our wedding and although I agreed to this, I still need this to have some semblance of the wedding of my dreams that I put aside, even though I knew it was the rational thing to do.

FH has not done anything to help find a new place for our July 15 wedding. We looked at one place, a very well-known and expensive venue that we could never afford to have a big wedding at, and have plans to go to another on Wednesday, but I work all day and can't always make phone calls to set up other appointments. FH is not working because he is sick, but by sick, I mean he has good days and bad days and just really can't leave the house for long periods of time. Nothing debilitating most of the time. He certainly could make phone calls.

Anyway, tonight when I told him we need to set up more appointments, he said that we should just go with the first place we went to and have our wedding there.

Here's my problem. He thinks that we should have like a 2 hour affair with no cocktail hour and no music. Basically, he refers to it as us getting married and then going to lunch. My feeling is that we are having a very small wedding with the people we love the most. We are asking people to travel for a Thursday daytime wedding, take time off from work, and pretty much rearrange their lives on short notice. This is the only wedding we are ever going to have, and these are the most important people in the world to us, and frankly, we deserve to have a wedding, too. To me, this means that if we're going to have a wedding at an expensive, elegant place, we don't cheap out on it. We have hors d'oeuvres and a nice fruit presentation for a cocktail hour (smaller scale, but still something) and we have a nice, relaxing 3 hour sit-down luncheon, with music so that we can still have our first dance and so I can dance with my father and people can have something to do other than talk and eat.

For some reason, I feel like he wants to somehow make our wedding less of an event. Other things he's said or done have also made me feel this way. My bottom line is that if we are going to do this and have a wedding that has required me to compromise a great deal, causing me great sadness, the least we can do is make this the best small wedding we could possibly have (still well within the new budget we set), and let the people we have chosen to be there know how much we appreciate them.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that you can have a full wedding reception for 30 people, especially if you're having it at a really nice place?

Thanks if you made it this far! I'm just feeling kind of alone in this right now and was wondering if I'm overreacting or if I'm crazy to think this is appropriate.

I don't think you're crazy or unreasonable.
Maybe he's just scared about it. Since he's sick, perhaps this is how he's dealing with it, in some strange way.
I'm sure you've already tried this, but you need to sit down with him and let him know that this is important to you. You're making compromises and he needs to as well. This is a wedding for both of you, a marriage between the two of you, and it should reflect a bit of both of you.
Now, I know I only met him once, but he seemed like a really nice guy, and I'm sure if you explain it to him like you just explained it to us, he'll understand....
Good luck!

Lori, that's the problem. I *have* explained it to him like this, and he just disagrees with me. I know in the end, I'll probably get what I want, but I feel like I shouldn't be the only one thinking this is the way it should be. I don't understand why he just doesn't get it. Maybe it's a guy thing. He also knows how difficult it was for me to get to the point where I was OK with having such a small wedding, which is why I don't understand why he's fighting me so much.

ETA: Thank you!

Hi!! I'm so sorry that you are having so much trouble. In some way I know how you feel. When I first got engaged, everyone was so excited. BUT. My dad owns a small business here in Huntington and my mom works with him. My mom and dad have 2 kids in college (that they do not get financial aid to help with the costs) I pay for college myself and I certainly couldnt pay for the wedding of my dreams. I was devastated because I've always wanted to have the 'whole sha-bang'. My fiance is an attorney (divorce-ahhh!! i know) and does well, however, paying for an entire wedding alone is a huge expense as you know. We were considering flying to Vegas/Italy and just doing it just us. I, like you, agreed to do the small thing, but Lee, my amazing FH said he just couldnt see me being happy in any way shape or form if we didnt have a wedding. Needless to say, we are going to have a modest size wedding at Woodbury CC. about 125 people. Im sorry that I am writing you a novel like this, but HERE IS MY POINT, FINALLY!! sorry!!! I totally think that you should do what is going to make you happy. I know it's hard to do everything alone, but I say make the phone calls, and do what YOU want. See if your mom or a friend can help you, too. I would, however, talk to him about it. Ask him why he doesnt want to help. Good luck to you !! Please let me know how everything goes!
-Jennifer

Wow, sounds like you two need to do some serious thinking. A wedding should be a joyous occassion not a heartache or aggrevation (as they sometimes can be). Perhaps instead of a fancy costly retaurant, you could opt for Atlantic City or Mohegan Sun. Something out of the ordinary makes things special. Try thinking outside the box, not being cookie cutter like everyone else. You can get married at Shea Stadium, Yankee Stadium, Madison Square Garden (beautiful restaurant they do great weddings) etc.

It's ok if he is not making calls, he sounds depressed. Don't push there has to be a balance between you two and it sounds like its not.

Actually the smaller the party the more special, the more romantic, and the more memorable you can make it. Your wedding day is as you said a day to spend with those who love you most. Your guests will enjoy basking in you guys glow. That is what they will remember.

If I could do it all over again, the planning, I would have opted for a Caribbean island with no more than 4-6 people and that's it. How more romantic can that be instead of trying to compete with a fantasy like everyone else. I applaud you, now step out of the box and be imaginative.

Thanks Jennifer! I'm an attorney, too; unfortunately, a poor one! You're going to have a wonderful wedding at WCC! I can't wait to see pics.

Charlotte, I thank you, too, and while I understand what you're saying, we really don't have much time to be playing around with being imaginative, and frankly, that's just not what I want. Our guests need to make travel plans and we need to have definitive plans set fairly soon. If FH was not perfectly capable of making a few phone calls, I would never ask him. However, his reason is simply laziness. He can't be bothered to even answer the phone when he's home half the time. I appreciate what you're saying, and totally understand where you're coming from, but we've both agreed to this type of wedding, at least, somewhat. I just feel like if we're going to have a 'reception' someplace nice, why should we shorten it if we're going to pay the same thing for more time as we would for less and why should we give our guests less when we can easily afford more in this case.

Hi there.

I so hope that you do what is going to make you smile allllllll day long!! -Jennifer

I think you can have a fabulous wedding with only 30 people. In fact, I just went to my friend's wedding a few weeks ago that was much like what you're talking about doing. They had a cocktail hour w/ hor'deouvres, a sit-down dinner, some background music. It lasted about 4 or 5 hours. I have to say it was the best wedding I've ever been to. It was intimate and not over-done.
And the most amazing thing, and I didn't even realize until the next day when I counted the guests in my head that there were only 14 of us there! It easily felt like twice that!
Best of luck with the planning!

Why is there a time factor? Does the amount of time equate to a 'real' wedding?....I'm not understanding the concept. July is around the corner, and most places are booked so it can not be that urgent at this late stage.

I'm a Clinician and 'laziness' is generally a sign of depression. Depression is not a bad thing as most think, its just our mind and body letting us know we have come upon a 'bump' in our life pattern.

My brother is an Attorney as well and as most legal eagles quite clever. That is why I suggested to think out of the box. You don't need a lot of time to be creative, you need to just be creative. Once you have an idea you can put the plan in motion. Or cookie cut as we all have done on this site, pay some money and let the general grind of planning begin. There is nothing special about that. Guests will come if they have a desire to, it does not matter about scheduling. This is the 21st century and planes, trains, and autos go just about everywhere nowadays. Good luck.

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Posted by charlotte227

Why is there a time factor? Does the amount of time equate to a 'real' wedding?....I'm not understanding the concept. July is around the corner, and most places are booked so it can not be that urgent at this late stage.

I'm a Clinician and 'laziness' is generally a sign of depression. Depression is not a bad thing as most think, its just our mind and body letting us know we have come upon a 'bump' in our life pattern.

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Time is a factor for me because half of our guests are flying in from out of state on Wednesday and leaving Friday. This means that they are missing 3 days of work, and I want to spend as much time with them as possible. Furthermore, I don't feel the need to rush our wedding. Why should we? I'm not sure what you mean about July being around the corner and it not being urgent at this late stage. We just changed our date from October to July last week. We are planning a Thursday wedding because it is less expensive and far less places are booked, but I need to have this booked by June 1 so that I can deal with all the other details. There really isn't much time to plan a whole wedding (regardless of size and type) in a month and a half.

Further, I can assure you that this laziness has nothing to do with depression. I understand you're coming from a professional point of view, but please trust me on this...the laziness has nothing to do with anything other than the fact that FH doesn't like talking on the phone. Period. Trust me.

Jann

i know how hard this must be for you...
and I totally understna dknowing that you'll probably get your way eventually, but it not being satisfying then becsue you know it's one-sided......I wish I had better advice....want me to come over there and talk to him untiol he agrees? I can bring my sick cat over and go through all the gory details of his numerous facial surgeries until he caves and agrees to go along with anything you say...and SMILE through it!
I guess torture is my only defense.....
If there's anything I can do...FM!!

Thanks, Lori, but I wouldn't subject you to him right now. You didn't do anything wrong to deserve that!

What's wrong with your kitty?

I am so sorry you feel like this.
I can say, there was a point in time, where I felt the same exact way. Except, the tables were flipped. I wanted to elope, and FH (now DH) wanted the wedding. So, we were going to have the whole kit and kabootle. We had to wait 2 years to do so. Now, I wouldn't change a thing. Not b/c I had the whole kit and kabootle, but b/c it was ours... or 'mine' I should say. DH had a thing for planning this 'wedding' that he wanted so badly. He didn't. He went to one place w/ me... maybe a photographer here and there and the florist. Yet, when he asked me what I had planned, and I told him, he would say, 'Oh, I don't like that'. So I'm saying, weddings are ' heartache or aggrevation ' for everyone. HENCE, the reason I didn't want one.

You will absolutely love your wedding day... b/c it's that, your wedding day. There is this overwhelming feeling you will have have in your bones and in your soul! You will have a smile from ear to ear! I've written this before, and I'll write it again. It's one of the things that DH said to me 3 weeks before our wedding that will forever stay with me. He said, and I quote ... 'I want you to know, nothing else matters. Not the flowers, not the weather, not the dj, what we eat or who is there. What matters is that you become my wife on October 19th. As long as that happens, then, I'll be happy and you should be too.'
My point- it's a guy thing. Your FH loves you, just isn't into planning. It's frustrating, but ok.
I had a friend who had a day wedding/lunch at either the Caryle or The Cartun. Which ever one has a restaurant as well as the hall. You're thinking- there's no way. She had it in the restaurant part for 50 people and only paid $45 per person + tip/tax. She was able to have the wedding she always wanted, with trimming her guest list. If you need help, please, FM me. Do you have a dress yet? Flowes? I MIGHT be able to help you w/ that. (Price wise.) FM me if you need any help whatsoever. I'd be happy to make a phone call or 2 for you.
Don't stress- or at least try not to. It'll be amazing, I promise. Being married is about compromise, it sounds like you've already done that.

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Posted by charlotte227

Why is there a time factor? Does the amount of time equate to a 'real' wedding?....I'm not understanding the concept. July is around the corner, and most places are booked so it can not be that urgent at this late stage.

I'm a Clinician and 'laziness' is generally a sign of depression. Depression is not a bad thing as most think, its just our mind and body letting us know we have come upon a 'bump' in our life pattern.

My brother is an Attorney as well and as most legal eagles quite clever. That is why I suggested to think out of the box. You don't need a lot of time to be creative, you need to just be creative. Once you have an idea you can put the plan in motion. Or cookie cut as we all have done on this site, pay some money and let the general grind of planning begin. There is nothing special about that. Guests will come if they have a desire to, it does not matter about scheduling. This is the 21st century and planes, trains, and autos go just about everywhere nowadays. Good luck.

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I dont want to change this into an argurment about the 'type' of wedding to have, but I am having a typical wedding, by typical I mean, similiar to others with a reception and a sit down dinner, favors etc....I am not a cookie cutter...and it's kinda irritating when we are planning a big special day to have it decribed that way...it saddened me actually...made me feel like my wedding is just one of thousands exactly alike, and it surely is not, simply because I 'am thinking 'inside' the box.....This is my special day, all of our's and the grind of it is just as special, and I'm savoring every moment....



I think the post is about what to do to make this wedding small but special....and I think since you only get married once, if you can afford the reception....say a 3 hr sit down event with some music, it should be done...

sounds like you want 'typical' in that you want special moments ( first dances, some pictures etc...) and from your tone, I think you will regret it if you don't. You have to put your feelings and his arguements aside, sit down and write down the MUSTS for you, things you will feel like you MISSED out on if not there...first dance etc...then hear him out on his opinions....compromise on anything MAJOR you disagree on...give him some leeway and advise him in order to compromise , he has to hear you out and negotiate as well...I think in the end , you two can come to a n agreement on the right style wedding to have...the first few times you talk about it may be rough, but be persistent....it's a wedding and a start to a marriage, I think the talking will help you both....

Let us know!

Jann,

You certainly have had an unfair amount of crap lately that you certainly don't deserve .

ETA I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! Any help you need please let me know.

You women truly rock! I know that the wedding itself is not the important thing and it's the marriage that is really what it's about. There's just a part of me that knows deep down that if I don't have some semblance of the wedding I dreamt of, I'll always have a little sadness about my wedding day. I spent the greater part of my life sacrificing things that other people got so easily, and I guess this is just one of those things that I can't really sacrifice entirely.

I have my gown, it just needs to be altered. My mother was a florist and she and an ex-florist friend are doing all the flowers for the wedding. We have a DJ who is available to do our wedding on a smaller scale at a huge discount on that date. We have a rabbi and a temple (although not etched in stone yet). We have our mini-moon booked for the weekend afterwards. I'm making our invitations. I'm working on hair and makeup now. All we need is the venue. And all we need is to agree on the length and menu, really.

I can't wait to be married. I just don't want our wedding day to just be, well, Thursday.

Hi! I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this frustration. I'm a future attorney--bar exam this July--and the only reason I'm able to pay for this wedding is because I sold my soul to the devil (read: big NYC firm). After I get done putting aside several thousand a month for the wedding (I'm paying for it myself) and my loads of student loans, I have about enough to get on the train to take me to work. That's why i also get frustrated when FI (the poor lawyer in our relationship) doesn't get involved when it was his idea to have this big wedding. I wanted the Bahamas or Vegas. So I at least know partially how you feel and you've compromised a lot more than I did.

I'm not sure if you've already considered it as a venue, but check out the Wine Cellar which is located at the Carltun in Eisenhower Park. Quite obviously, it's a wine cellar but it has one large table and about 15 smaller 2-4 person tables surrounded by wine bottles. I've had dinner there 3 times and it's always excellent. I think on certain days it's a fixed menu for $85pp or so, but it's very elegant and the food is fantastic. The only thing is that it's a little dark but maybe they coudl turn the lights up a bit. Hope this helps!!