Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I keep seeing all these posts about gifts and over the months that I've been on this site, I have grown increasingly disgusted. All I keep seeing is how people are expected to give wedding gifts of at least $200, more if you are close to the bride and groom, and how people seem to look down on those guests who give actual gifts, rather than money. I grew up on Long Island and have been used to seeing this, but this is really a New York metro area thing - the whole idea of giving money as a gift. In many other areas, it would be insulting to hand the bride and groom a check. I'm finding myself wondering why this expectation in this area came about and how awful it seems to me.

From engagement parties, to bridal showers, to weddings, I have seen many women here (and elsewhere) complain that they got a lousy gift only worth $50 or that people didn't give enough to 'cover their plate.' Am I the only one who seems to think that this is so uncouth? I find it horribly lacking in class that people have the nerve to be so ungracious about a gift, either because it didn't cost the guest enough or because they didn't give cash?

I am not pointing to anyone in particular, so please don't take it personally (although I imagine that someone is bound to be insulted anyway). I just wonder when it became OK to expect such grandiose gifts from guests and to complain about people not shelling out enough money to satisfy the bride and groom's expectations.

I can't be the ONLY person who feels this way...can I?

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

jannshari- i agree with you 100%

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I agree!!!! I was amazed when I moved to NYC and the first wedding that I went to they did not even register. It was their way of saying that they wanted cash. All I know is that I will be registering and will be grateful for any gifts that I recieve. My wedding is not a money making event. It is about having those closest to FH and I there to celebrate the beginning of our lives together. But, that is what I want and really to each their own.

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I guess it's just us.

Don't get me wrong. Would I be disappointed if someone got me something crappy or nothing at all? Yes, I'd be disappointed (and I'm the first to admit that I wouldn't have a right to be, but I'm trying to be honest here), but I wouldn't hold it against them, unless the gift was hateful in nature. I just find it sad how angry people can get over gifts...or lack thereof. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

do you feel better now?
i agree with you about the crappy gift thing also though. i would be hurt if i invited someone to share my day with me and they accepted, but didn't even bother to bring a card to tell me they were happy for me. i'm not expecting a huge generous gift from everyone, but i dont think a card is too much to ask!

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Yes, thank you, I do.

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

No, a card is the least you can do. I think the only gift I would be really upset about would be a Chia Pet.

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

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Posted by heidla

I think the only gift I would be really upset about would be a Chia Pet.

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But then you could watch your pet's 'hair' grow as your love for your DH grows. I think it's the perfect gift!

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

To some degree I totally agree with you. I mean for my e-party I got most gifts in the 30-50 range and when we got something close to a 100. I was excited and thought 'Wow! that is so nice of them!'

We are planning to pay as much as we can towards all our expenses and pay off the rest after the wedding without using presents, we want to put that towards furniture (since we have no money left! )

But at the same time, I think since NY weddings are so lavish and extravagant you CAN NOT really compare gift giving here to anywhere else. Similarly you can't compare weddings here to anywhere else.
My cousins in Indiana think me having a dj at a wedding is the cheesiest, craziest thing they ever heard. So if weddings are completely different, why aren't gifts? Do you understand what I mean?

In the same way you feel animosity to people complaining about gifts, I feel towards brides pretending that gifts aren't on their mind and they NEVER would look down on a person etc etc. I think its BS. Gifts ARE important. Like many of us said, it shows a lot of how CLOSE you are with them. Three of my cousins, who I have never like anyway, didn't give me a gift at my e-party and now I am not inviting them to the wedding. Is it because of the gift? No, if they gave even a card, I might feel differently, but I know they did it on purpose to bother me. (ok that was a minivent. )

ETA, Just wanted to clarify what I was saying about the importance on gifts more than just material reasons.
What I meant about comparing NY gifts to other parts of the country was that NY is totally different. What I am buying a co-op for in Great Neck could go for a mansion in Syracuse. So people knowing I am not living in a mansion are not going to give 100 wedding gifts that have no where to go.
About my obnoxious cousins, what I was saying that gifts can be used to show how much u care/hate. They didn't give me anything in a spiteful manner. Its not materialistic that I was angry with them, it was personal.

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

YEP, I agree too!!!

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

jannshari.... i agreee with you.

i could kinda see where people may be disappointed IF say a millionare comes and gives $25, or if you REALLY didnt want to invite some one but its one of your parents friends or family and they give $25....

i know us personally, we have gotten a bunch of decorative things as engagement gifts, and the bridal shower will take care of our household stuff, so if everyone gave a gift for the wedding i wouldnt know where to put it.... and perhaps thats where cash for the wedding associated... because the time of the wedding everything else has been given..

editted to add, i grew up where my parents always talked about money, so much that i was probably thinking like a bride who expects a certain amount, but since ive started dating my fh my opinions have changed... in his family there are a bunch of grandkids, so at things like christmas its less gifts than what my family would do, but ive come to value it more than my family because i get things people picked out thinking i would like, which means alot more to me!

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AMEN!!!!! I think that was well said, the fact the people go into debt just to attend a wedding to pay 500 bucks is insane to me!!! I am so happy to get anything, because its something that I dont already have!!! I had a friend who had 6 weddings in one summer, he was so stressed out he got a second job, that disgusted me!!!

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jannshari, you couln't have said it more perfectly!

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Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I agree. NY is the only place where u get money for a wedding. Most places u register for wedding presents not for e-parties and showers.

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I completely agree with you that gifts are not to be expected and that one should be gracious when accepting ANY gift. But, please, let's be honest here. Jann -- you admit that you would be dissappointed by a crappy gift or no gift right? But you would be thankful for pretty much any gift right? Great. But you can't tell me that you wouldn't silently, mentally compare the cash gift to cost per plate. Maybe, right? Ok, now where-- if ever-- would you feel comfortable expressing discontent with a wedding gift? With other brides!

What I'm trying to say is that I think we can cut some people some slack when it comes to whining and complaining about wedding gifts, especially on here. I don't think people are as materialistic as they sound when they are comparing gifts to what they paid per plate. I'm not saying it's entirely right either, it's just when and where would anyone really express this? (Besides the truly materialistic people which agreed is not the majority) On here, everyone knows how expensive weddings are and everyone is going through the same thing. So I say let's not be too judgemental of some of our fellow brides (aka 'materialistic brats')

Believe me, I know where you are coming from with this, and in the real world I completely agree with you!

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

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Posted by palebride

once again jann, you say it best!
it is incredibly rude to invite people only to get gifts......you invite people to your wedding to have them share one of the most special moments of your life!
and if they bring a gift...bonus!
if they give you money....bonus!
but to expect it is really low-class!

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EXACTLY!!
I totally understand what you mean and agree -

This is my main problem with bridal showers - I dont plan on having one. We have registered though so our guests have the option of getting a gift for the wedding if they so please.

I gave this exact reasoning to those who thought i was 'strange' for not wanting a bridal shower and no one found me convincing....

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I agree with you. I always tried to be generous as a guest and cover the cost of my plate. I did not realize that so many people would be angry at a guest who did not do the same. I also always thought engagement parties were for celebrating the couple, not for big gifts. I won't lie and say I thought all my gifts were generous but I was not angry at anyone for not giving more. They came to share the best day of my life and that's what matters.

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

i have nothing more to add to this thread except that i am so excited to have been quoted by someone else!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much for making my night!!

(It takes so liittle to make me happy....... )