Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Original post by jannshari

Dec 05, 2003 05:31 PM

I keep seeing all these posts about gifts and over the months that I've been on this site, I have grown increasingly disgusted. All I keep seeing is how people are expected to give wedding gifts of at least $200, more if you are close to the bride and groom, and how people seem to look down on those guests who give actual gifts, rather than money. I grew up on Long Island and have been used to seeing this, but this is really a New York metro area thing - the whole idea of giving money as a gift. In many other areas, it would be insulting to hand the bride and groom a check. I'm finding myself wondering why this expectation in this area came about and how awful it seems to me.

From engagement parties, to bridal showers, to weddings, I have seen many women here (and elsewhere) complain that they got a lousy gift only worth $50 or that people didn't give enough to 'cover their plate.' Am I the only one who seems to think that this is so uncouth? I find it horribly lacking in class that people have the nerve to be so ungracious about a gift, either because it didn't cost the guest enough or because they didn't give cash?

I am not pointing to anyone in particular, so please don't take it personally (although I imagine that someone is bound to be insulted anyway). I just wonder when it became OK to expect such grandiose gifts from guests and to complain about people not shelling out enough money to satisfy the bride and groom's expectations.

I can't be the ONLY person who feels this way...can I?

jannshari Posted: Dec 05, 2003 07:12 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

See, but that's where you're wrong. I won't be comparing a cash gift to the cost of my guests meals. And really, if I expected people to cover the costs of their plates, then I would be happy with less than what most people seem to be expecting (at least $200) - my plates come out to about $82 after tax and gratuity.

However, just as others have the right to express their discontent with their guests or gifts or whatever, I reserve the right to express my discontent with things as well. I don't understand your last sentence, though.

Believe me, I know where you are coming from with this, and in the real world I completely agree with you!

What's the difference between this board and the real world that would change your opinion?

Also, I think your sentiments about being judgemental are exactly what I'm talking about. Like I said, I think there are some people, and again, not necessarily here on this board, but others that I know in real life as well, that are really materialistic little brats. But shouldn't you then also expect that the people complaining about how someone screwed them with their gift should be a little less judgmental about that as well?

Again, I didn't start this to upset people. I just needed to vent. All opinions are, or at least should be, welcome, and I don't deny anyone the right to express their opinion, and would hope that no one would deny me the same.

yabbobay Posted: Dec 05, 2003 07:14 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Posted by heidla

No, a card is the least you can do. I think the only gift I would be really upset about would be a Chia Pet.

I was really upset about people not even getting a card....I think thats tackier...

many of DH's coworkers were laid off 3 days before our wedding...so we weren't expecting anything from them...one, who was notorious for not getting cards...just putting money in an envelope...gave us a card...wishing us well and said that he said with the current situation he would have to delay his gift...

I cried...it was the sweetest thing we got...

ETA: as for bridal showers...i so didn't want one...but people had to convinve me that people LIKE giving gifts....

palebride Posted: Dec 05, 2003 07:16 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

jann - i hereby declare that you can no longer express your opinions.....i am denying you that right
just kidding!
i agree with you 1000%

jannshari Posted: Dec 05, 2003 07:20 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I absolutely didn't expect a bridal shower, as my MOH (my sister) lives in Texas. However, talking to her before, she asked me if I wanted my bridal shower to be a surprise or if I wanted to know when it is ahead of time because apparently she and my mother were in disagreement about it. I told her I wasn't having a bridal shower and that I don't need to know ahead of time unless it becomes necessary. She said I am having a shower. I certainly don't expect it, and can't imagine how she's going to pull it off. I imagine I'll be fairly uncomfortable with the whole thing, but I certainly won't be upset if someone doesn't come or give a gift.

I don't know. Maybe it's because I know what it's like to live in LI and have very little while everyone else around me has an over-abundance of money and *stuff* that gives me the mindset I have. I don't begrudge anyone anything.

jannshari Posted: Dec 05, 2003 07:22 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Posted by palebride

jann - i hereby declare that you can no longer express your opinions.....i am denying you that right
just kidding!
i agree with you 1000%

What about now? I quoted you...do I get to express my opinions now? Pretty please?

Oh, and the last person who denied me the right to speak my mind wound up with my shoe so far up his ass that my shoelaces tickled his nose.

palebride Posted: Dec 05, 2003 07:25 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

i guess i'll allow it if you promise to continue quoting me and making me feel important!!!
so please, please, please, feel free to share your opinion...i will now allow it!

jannshari Posted: Dec 05, 2003 07:27 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Posted by palebride

i guess i'll allow it if you promise to continue quoting me and making me feel important!!!
so please, please, please, feel free to share your opinion...i will now allow it!

LIPrincess00 Posted: Dec 05, 2003 07:34 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I agree with you. The only time I get insulted is if someone cant even buy a card. I am a very card giving person to everyone for everything, and since you can pretty much get cards for as low as .50cents I think its kind of rude not to at least give a card.

JimmysBride Posted: Dec 05, 2003 07:44 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

You have every right to express your opinion on here just as much as everyone else does! And all opinions are welcome.

If you say that as you receive your cash gifts from your guests the thought of how much you paid per plate will not even come close to entering your mind, then ok, I believe you. But I bet it might cross some people's minds and IMO, that does not necessarily make them materialistic.

What's the difference between this board and the real world that would change your opinion?

What I meant by my last sentence was that just as you needed to vent maybe people on here that were posting (since you referred to reading posts about this) also felt like venting about their gifts. I'm sure some of them are very grateful for any gift they get but people can get overwhelmed by the cost of a wedding. And I'm sure some people just are materialistic.

But I agree with you that people should not expect guests to cover their plate at a wedding, should not expect a minimum amount of a gift, should not expect cash as opposed to a purchased gift, and should just be happy and thankful that their friends and family joined them to celebrate in their special day.

All I'm saying is that if a bride wants to get on here and vent that her guests were cheap or whatever, I understand because I too know how expensive it is to plan a wedding. And I don't think all of the brattiness comes from being materialistic. Some of it comes from feeling overwhelmed by the cost of the wedding. I'm just trying to be understanding to both sides of the coin, so to speak, without calling anybody names. I just wanted to show another perspective on the posts.

Oh, and you didn't upset me

butterfly20 Posted: Dec 05, 2003 07:54 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

it would upset me if i didnt get a card..... your right, you can get one as little as .50 cents and it shows someone you care, and you write your good wishes...

.... its not fair to assume people should cover their plate when you to a wedding in the city and its costing $450 for a couple... the invited couple did not choose the place, its the bride who wanted it...
the way i feel is if you want to 'expect' a certain amount, then expect gift/cas for what it would cost 2 people to go to dinner on their own , get appetizer, dinner, dessert, alcohol, $75+ for 2..

jannshari Posted: Dec 05, 2003 08:00 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Jimmysbride...you are absolutely right and I don't disagree that people should be able to vent about these things. Of course I don't begrudge them that. I have just seen so much of this particular type of complaining and it struck a nerve. I'm sure I've complained about something that's cheesed someone else off as well. It's human nature.

I'm glad that we're able to have a discussion without jumping down each other's throats. That's the other thing that I've seen here that bothers me - people getting nasty with others when they don't like what they have to say.

Oh, and if someone can recoup the costs of their wedding via gifts, they are extremely lucky! But they shouldn't expect it...that's all I'm saying.

palebride Posted: Dec 05, 2003 08:03 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

applause to all of you!
this was the most civilized disagreement i have ever seen on these boards......
accepting each other's opinions
understanding each other's points of view...
i am proud of you!!

GROUP HUG!!!!!!!

(can anyone else tell thta i'm getting cabin fever from being stuck at home tonight??)

Misstene Posted: Dec 05, 2003 08:05 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I just wanna put on my dress... have a cocktail... and get married!

jannshari Posted: Dec 05, 2003 08:06 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Posted by JimmysBride

But I bet it might cross some people's minds and IMO, that does not necessarily make them materialistic.

You are SO right about that. That's why I tried to be careful when I said that some of the people sounded materialistic. Not all.

JimmysBride Posted: Dec 05, 2003 08:09 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Posted by jannshari

Oh, and if someone can recoup the costs of their wedding via gifts, they are extremely lucky! But they shouldn't expect it...

Absolutely!

I'm glad that we're able to have a discussion without jumping down each other's throats. That's the other thing that I've seen here that bothers me - people getting nasty with others when they don't like what they have to say.

Me too! I completely agree!!

Kelly9904 Posted: Dec 05, 2003 08:17 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I just want to agree with all of you! I feel you invite people because they mean alot to you and you wnat to share the day with them. Whatever the can give/want to give is an added bonus to a lifetime of memories you have developed with them.

I know I have read posts on here about how much to give and actually felt bad becuase someone would sya 'well I give XXX amount if they are close to me' . I am not a bad friend but honestly I can only afford so much and I do what I can and hope that it is appreciated by those I give to! When I was a MOH I didnt give the hugest monetary gift but I gave her so much that when I got engaged she said to my mom 'I am so excited because now I can do for her the way she did for me' thats more important in my book.