BM possibly dropping out of BP (LONG)

So I received this email from my friend (and also BM) this morning. She just got engaged about a month ago but IMO, it just sounds like she doesn't want in the BP and she's using it as a way out. What do you girls think?

Her Email:
SO, I have been doing a ton of thinking... Of course this is going to be awkward since it's an email and you can't detect my tone, I promise it's my normal! I would have called but I did want to chat as soon as possible.

Now that I have my venue finalized, I am getting everything into place. That goes for my wedding party, as well. I want to include you in the party, but I know, especially now, the extra financial responsibility that it is going to be. Since I booked my place and saw the responsibility I signed up for, as well, I was thinking that being in your wedding is just one more event that I am accountable for. As much as I want to be in the party that day and as much I'd like for you to be in mine, do you think that we should just be guests instead? I did a lot of thinking last night while doing our budget. I also I don't want you to stress out with your bills and your own wedding (enough stress as it is!) to have to worry about mine. I'd obviously still like to be a part of the bachelorette party and you as mine (duh). What do you think?



My Response:

Hi,

Honestly, when I asked you, it was because I wanted you to be in it. As far as financial expenses are concerned, I don’t expect anyone to attend the bachelorette party (especially if finances are tight or they have other obligations), nor do they have to contribute to the shower (b/c my mom is paying for that). All the girls are responsible for is their dress, hair and makeup on the day of. If you feel that is too much of a financial obligation, then of course I understand, as you need to do what’s best for you. As far as your WP is concerned, I’d of course be honored if you asked me to be a part of it and I would of course understand if you just wanted me to attend as a guest. I do have over a year to save for it so financially it’s not a big deal for me.

Thanks for taking things into consideration.




She still hasn't responded btw....

That's interesting. What is your friendship background? How long have you known eachother? How do you feel about it?

One of my good friends from college got engaged shortly after me and her wedding is 2 weeks after mine! And hers is in Chicago! And we are both in eachother's parties. Talk about putting extra pressure on both of us!! We always knew we would be BMs for eachother when the time came, so regardless of how crazy we are for it we want to be there for eachother.

Everyone's financial situation is different, though, if she is really that concerned about money it could be just about that and nothing more. I can understand if you are taken back or disappointed since you obviously wanted her in your party.

Good luck I hope everything turns out alright!

I think your email is perfect!

It looks like she is trying to back out and she was hoping that you would take the bait and make it easy for her and agree with her.

I think what you said is perfect. It makes her have to come out and tell you that she does not want to be in the bridal party and doesn't let her off easy!

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Posted by mara1017

I think your email is perfect!

It looks like she is trying to back out and she was hoping that you would take the bait and make it easy for her and agree with her.

I think what you said is perfect. It makes her have to come out and tell you that she does not want to be in the bridal party and doesn't let her off easy!

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I agree.

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Posted by FutureMrsGTL

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Posted by mara1017

I think your email is perfect!

It looks like she is trying to back out and she was hoping that you would take the bait and make it easy for her and agree with her.

I think what you said is perfect. It makes her have to come out and tell you that she does not want to be in the bridal party and doesn't let her off easy!

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I agree.

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I agree with the ladies as well. Your email was nice and perfect. Whenever she responds she will have to say how she truly feels, which she should say anyway.

I don't understand her intentions in the email...sounds like she cant afford to be in yours & assumes you wont be able to afford being in hers....but then it also sounds like she is kicking you out of her BP before she even asks you to be in it. Shouldn't you make the decision whether you can afford it or not?


Can't wait to hear the update

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Posted by Bride in 2012

We've been friends for a few years and we've pretty close friends so I was a little shocked to be honest.

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aw, i understand :( just try and look at it this way - you have lots of time to ask someone else! it def sucks but at least she was upfront about it If it is really bothering you maybe you should talk with her in person and let her know that you are upset by her suggestion

If my friend sent me this i would take it as she doesnt want to be in it because she doesnt want to or bc of money. Also the fact that she is saying she wants you to in hers i would have took as umm are you asking me or just doing it bc i asked you???

For me i asked just family, my 'friend' just got engaged and i am praying she doesnt ask me. She already asked someone she barely knows to be MOH, and I am glad because (i know this all prob sounds mean) but i feel like she talks about me behind my back- she jealous that i got engaged before her - for some stupid reason. So i stopped talking about MY wedding plans with her. Bc she has a stupid comment. I dont feel we are great friends and if it werent for our Fh's i wouldnt talk to her. Shes getting on my last nerve. I feel for me my bridal party is people i know will always be in my life.

I prob would have suggested either being guests or not giving eachothers gifts at the weddings if $ was an issue and you decided to be in eachothers partys (even tho i know you said it wasnt for you)

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Posted by mara1017

I think your email is perfect!

It looks like she is trying to back out and she was hoping that you would take the bait and make it easy for her and agree with her.

I think what you said is perfect. It makes her have to come out and tell you that she does not want to be in the bridal party and doesn't let her off easy!

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This!

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Posted by FutureMrsCat050412

I don't understand her intentions in the email...sounds like she cant afford to be in yours & assumes you wont be able to afford being in hers....but then it also sounds like she is kicking you out of her BP before she even asks you to be in it. Shouldn't you make the decision whether you can afford it or not?


Can't wait to hear the update

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Yeah this is my thought too...I would be a little confused and upset by that email..OP, I think your response was perfect. Let us know how it goes!

I hate to sound sooo angry but seriously F-her!!!!
If she doesn't want to be a part of it then screw her. She doesn't need to give you any explanations NOR do you need this kind of CRAP! I do know things happen and all but it's not like she has to come up with THOUSANDS of dollars over night to be part of your BP!!!!

She's full of ( _ _ _ _)!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't stress over it.

FYI: I've been having issues with the BP too!!!

And like I said in my first sentence I didn't mean to sound sooo angry but one thing I've learned during this whole planning the wedding thing is that 'weddings make or break friendships' and those that really love you will be there with bells on and the rest can go kick ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Posted by roblisa09

And like I said in my first sentence I didn't mean to sound sooo angry but one thing I've learned during this whole planning the wedding thing is that 'weddings make or break friendships' and those that really love you will be there with bells on and the rest can go kick ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I totally agree with that. Even though I have not asked my girls to be in my BP yet I dread the possible drama. I remember in my sweet 16 I had problems. All the girls except for two were actually at my sweet 16 so it should hopefully be easy since they were willing all those years ago.

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Posted by pixietina

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Posted by roblisa09

And like I said in my first sentence I didn't mean to sound sooo angry but one thing I've learned during this whole planning the wedding thing is that 'weddings make or break friendships' and those that really love you will be there with bells on and the rest can go kick ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I totally agree with that. Even though I have not asked my girls to be in my BP yet I dread the possible drama. I remember in my sweet 16 I had problems. All the girls except for two were actually at my sweet 16 so it should hopefully be easy since they were willing all those years ago.

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I'm serious.... wedding planning should be fun, exciting, and a happy time but unfortunately some people just can't be happy for you and with you. And it doesn't stop to amaze me how fickle people are!!!!!!!
It's a good thing she revealed her thoughts now rather than later!!!! It's better for you cause the last thing you want is someone being part of the bridal party only out of obligation.... you don't need that!!!! It's a blessing in disguise so let her be and replace her and even if she changes her mind don't give in.....

Sorry if I'm too harsh but I don't think its fair to you!

So she writes back and says how she didn't expect to get engaged 3months after and how she didn't realize how much everything will cost until she booked her venue yesterdday and that it was only the venue. She also said how we would be going BM Dress shopping for her wedding soon (June/July) and that would be an expense. Also, the BM's will be paying for her shower b/c her mom isn't... Then followed up to say that the fact that my mom is paying for the bridal shower makes her feel a little more at ease (I'm a momo and accidentally deleted that email). I didn't respond right away b/c I was busy at work so then she followed up with this:

Her Response:

If you think that we can both swing this, then I am game and I would love for you to be in my wedding party. Which, I didn't want to do by email but it just happened this way, lol

My Response:

Sorry – it’s been a busy morning and I’ve been away from my desk a lot....

Of course it’s always a surprise, you really never do expect it. The venue is definitely an expense in itself and I know everything adds up. The good thing about BM dresses is you only leave a deposit when you purchase the dress. Everything is due in full when you pick the dress up. There’s a way of doing the shower so it doesn’t have to be a huge expense and everyone will just split the cost. You can find a good restaurant for a reasonable price and you don’t invite everyone who will be attending the wedding. Just family, close friends, etc.

Bach parties are just a formality so whoever comes, comes. I already have a few possibilities in the works, so maybe I won’t be out as long. My wedding expenses for my own wedding aren’t as severe either (I’m only paying for my church, videographer, hair/makeup and shoes). If I know I have to save for a bridal party, I can start putting money away now. I think I can definitely swing it though. I don’t want you to feel over your head either - you do what you can afford and I know you’re in the same boat as me.

cRASHING

WOW....
I am so sorry chica but u know what, BETTER KNWO THAN LATER!!!

I have 3 Girls & 2Man dropped out...

I think that is a stupid email.. it is just a way out...
IF i was truly UR friend, I WOUL LOVE TO BE IN UR BRIDAL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!


Better NOW than Later chica... Trust me its better for u to see her true colors....