Cold Feet??

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Posted by Capulet72
Maybe we should hold off until next year, maybe we arent meant to get married, horrible dreams of him marrying someone else, or catching him with someone else, etc, etc....

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I don't mean this to be rude at all, I am just curious...Do you take marriage with your FH more seriously than having children with him? I know you have kids with your FH, and I know for me having kids together would be a much larger commitment than marriage. Of course I take my vows seriously and plan on being together forever, but there is divorce, while children are really forever...I'm just curious about the different views. I know some couples like Susan Sarandon never feel the need to make it official. Maybe that is a way to make men feel they have their freedom, even though the long term relationship is there...I don't know what the solution is. Clearly with half of all couples divorcing there is a problem, but I don't know how it can be fixed...

Wow, this is some post. I agree that most people really don't take marriage seriously. For example, my best friend of 17yrs just married a guy she hardly knew. Needless to say, it's now 2 weeks later and they're talking about getting it annulled. All these stupid 'reality' shows make it seem like it's no big deal...that there's always divorce.

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Posted by ChristineAEid

My FI constantly says things like that....to the point where he says 'I'm thinking of having my GM wear prision attire, to symbolize my loss of freedom.' How F'd up is that? After so many times of hearing it, I've learned to ignore it, b/c we will have an argument about it. In the end, I came to realize, if I'm that bad of a person and he doesn't want to get married, then why in God's name did you put a ring on my finger????? They're all Aholes! Especially since they know that right now it's already too late to back out! Like you need anymore stress right now!

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This is going to sound so ridiculous, but society is partly to blame. For some retarded reason, girls are brought up and conditioned to one day WANT to marry, have a home, etc. while the boys are taught that marriage is some kind of 'sentence' and a loss of freedom and the loss of a certain degree of manhood. Thank God FH and I are getting married in the church we're getting married in. They have an awesome marriage enrichment group where you have no less than 7 premarital sessions because they no people sometimes get 'cold feet' and are afraid to address with each other those kinds of feelings, or wind up expressing them in negative hurtful ways.

The best we can do is reassure FH that while he may not be living the single life anymore, we understand that he had friends and a life before we met him, and that we plan to give them room to still have fun and interests that may not include us.

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Posted by nov04LIbride

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Posted by Capulet72
Maybe we should hold off until next year, maybe we arent meant to get married, horrible dreams of him marrying someone else, or catching him with someone else, etc, etc....

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I don't mean this to be rude at all, I am just curious...Do you take marriage with your FH more seriously than having children with him? I know you have kids with your FH, and I know for me having kids together would be a much larger commitment than marriage. Of course I take my vows seriously and plan on being together forever, but there is divorce, while children are really forever...I'm just curious about the different views. I know some couples like Susan Sarandon never feel the need to make it official. Maybe that is a way to make men feel they have their freedom, even though the long term relationship is there...I don't know what the solution is. Clearly with half of all couples divorcing there is a problem, but I don't know how it can be fixed...

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I dont think it's that I take one more seriously then the other really. See when I was 17 I had my daughter like a stupid teenager who thought I could fix all her fathers shortcomings and as long as we were married things would be okay. Well there were alot of painful things that went on in that marriage because we had a daughter and it was very difficult to get out of it to get my life together. I dont know if I could make anyone understand how I felt without going into detail and not only is it a very long story I would rather not rehash it all. Anyhow, my son with FH was not planned(dont regret it or the relationship with FH)I just find myself wondering if once my marriage is final if things might change as they did when I was a kid. That's what cold feet is just being unsure or the unknowing. Now no one can promise you you will have a perfect marriage or that love wont fade and it'll end up in divorce and like you said kids are forever so sometimes I just think that having each other and the kids is enough and other times I feel like being married is an important part of the family we started, again this is what cold feet is but it all stems from what went on when I was younger. I know I definetly love FH but I doubt sometimes how anyone will be able to love me enough to make a marriage, any marriage go on forever, which is what I want mine to do! Sorry if my explanation is confusing but I hope I made some kind of sense.

I understand Thanks for explaining.

ETA: Our officiant told us marriage is a leap of faith--you can never truly know what it will be like. And that is what it is about--knowing your love will be strong enough to make it through. And I do believe that.

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Posted by jimmysgrl

I think its completely normal and maybe this is the best way to actually sit down and talk about your relationship. Honestly find out what he would like in the marriage, if he would like more time with his friends, ask him what puts him off when he says he wants to go away. I think talking about your relationship/marriage beforehand is just so great and open because then he understands a little more what your expectations are and what you are willing to concede with. It might just make the whole planning process easier. Another thing is is sometimes guys hear it from their friends about what it is like to be married and most men I know don't exactly sit around and praise their spouses to one another. They'll make jokes about how horrible it is, blah blah blah whether they mean it or not. It could be just building up inside of him. But I think the most important thing is to honestly sit down with him now, while everything is still new and without punishing one another figure out what you are both looking for out of the relationship. Maybe go out to a restaurant or a picnic in the park where its just the two of you so that you can go into those with open eyes and hearts. It is a HUGE step for both men and women and I think sometimes women (I know myself included) get so wrapped up in the planning of the wedding and the excitement with all the parties and everything that we can kind of lose sight of what is really happening until once in awhile it hits you and you say to yourself, 'Holy cr@p! This is huge!' And hopefully after a couple of moments of reflection, you smile afterwards. Men don't have that, I don't want to say distraction, but they don't have that focus on the wedding, their ideas, thoughts, concerns about forever could always be more at the forefront of their minds. It sounds so cliche but talk, talk, talk, talk until your blue in the face and you're willing to make up with a bunch of kisses!!!!!!

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This is so true!!!!!!!

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Posted by shamrock12472

I really think that you need to sit down and openly and honestly talk to him. A statement like 'you love me too much' is a red flag in my eyes. He may be too scared or too afraid to hurt your feelings by saying he isn't ready for marriage but if that is the case, you need to know now.

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I agree. Having talked to a lot of DH's friends (who now share all their relationship woes with me), 'you love me too much' often translates to 'i feel like i am the entire world to you, whereas i have all these great guy friends and hobbies while you just plan a wedding and wait around for me.' Good luck with your talk.

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Posted by nov04LIbride

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Posted by shamrock12472

I really think that you need to sit down and openly and honestly talk to him. A statement like 'you love me too much' is a red flag in my eyes. He may be too scared or too afraid to hurt your feelings by saying he isn't ready for marriage but if that is the case, you need to know now.

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I agree. Having talked to a lot of DH's friends (who now share all their relationship woes with me), 'you love me too much' often translates to 'i feel like i am the entire world to you, whereas i have all these great guy friends and hobbies while you just plan a wedding and wait around for me.' Good luck with your talk.

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So, it's me...what do I do?????

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Posted by nov04LIbride

I understand Thanks for explaining.

ETA: Our officiant told us marriage is a leap of faith--you can never truly know what it will be like. And that is what it is about--knowing your love will be strong enough to make it through. And I do believe that.

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I agree but Im human just like most of those men out there and unfortunetly my imagination can get the best of me and it takes time to come back to reality. Plus the stress emotionally and financially of a wedding and Im sorry ladies but we all change once we start planning it can overwhelm some people which I would guess is what is happening here along with the possibility of the seed being planted by his friends and male family members. What starts off as a joke may sink into someone who is vulnerable and it winds up being taken seriously? Definetly work it out.

I hope everything goes well tonight.

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Posted by simbacat

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Posted by nov04LIbride

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Posted by shamrock12472

I really think that you need to sit down and openly and honestly talk to him. A statement like 'you love me too much' is a red flag in my eyes. He may be too scared or too afraid to hurt your feelings by saying he isn't ready for marriage but if that is the case, you need to know now.

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I agree. Having talked to a lot of DH's friends (who now share all their relationship woes with me), 'you love me too much' often translates to 'i feel like i am the entire world to you, whereas i have all these great guy friends and hobbies while you just plan a wedding and wait around for me.' Good luck with your talk.

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So, it's me...what do I do?????

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You know your FH better than anyone--get a feel for whether it's something he said without thinking, or something that really bothers him constantly. Has he seemed distracted and not himself lately? Maybe try some counseling? We did with our officiant, and it was great. I think DH felt more comfortable saying what scared him in front of the officiant. And I think we all had fears--if you don't, I think it means you aren't taking marriage as seriously as you should. This is huge, life changing...Possibly the most important decision of your life...

It helped us to take a weekend and NOT do anything wedding-related. Don't talk about it, don't plan, etc. Take a step back and remember WHY you fell in love. Good luck!

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So, it's me...what do I do?????

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I don't know if I would jump and say it's ALL YOU, because you are both in this relationship....it does take two!

BUT, if I were you, I'd think about how you have been lately, what's been going on in the relationship. Do you have to spend all your time together? Do you have friends that you hang out with, or talk on the phone? Do you expect him to be your source for all your needs? Do you have hobbies that don't include him?

Basically...do you have your OWN life?

Years ago, FH and I went through this very same thing. I had these expectations and beliefs that if we weren't spending all our time together, then there must be something wrong with us. I also stopped being the person he fell in love with. I gave up myself, thinking that's what you do in a relationship.

Now, four years later....(FH and I have been together for over 7 years), things are so different. I don't get everything I need from him, because the bottom line is:

you can't get everything you need from just ONE person IMO.

Maybe for some people that works, but I'd wager to guess that for a lot of folks, that's just not good for them. You have to have hobbies, and other things besides him to revolve your life around. It can become too much for one person to handle.

I think it's good that you guys are talking about it now, and that you listen to each other, and hear one another.

I'd ask him what things he would like to be different, or that both of you could change, that would make him feel better about things? What would he like to see happen? These can be hard questions, because the answers he gives might not be okay for you. Then you have to decide if it's a deal breaker, or if you can compromise on these things.

good luck and hang in there.

It's not you at all!!!

It sounds like your FH may be panicking about getting married because of the whole 'now I'm going to be a grown up' element.

It's NOT YOU!!!

Thanks girls. I truly appreciate all your support

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Posted by simbacat

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Posted by melissaandsean

I think this is normal, especially if he's maybe one of the first out of his group of friends to get married. Just keep talking to each other. There's nothing wrong with being nervous and sharing your feelings with one another about this.

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He actually is the first of his friend to be getting married.

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My FH is 1st of friends to get married and his friends are pretty wild and still in party mode...no one has a serious girlfriend except his brother... so i understand what you are going through
one time we faught too- something about the wedding... and he made me feel like he was nervous ...cause he still wanted to do party mode stuff etc etc... BUT he said he was sorry and he didnt mean it... IMO I think it is normal to have a bit of nervousness... but remember he would nOT have asked you if he wasnt ready and didnt love you! It will be fine

it will be ok....it's just nerves.