My parents divorced when I was 12 and it wasn't pretty. I've lived with my mother since then and have always been closer to her than my father. My father has had a live in girlfriend for the past 15 years and I've only met her twice. I barley know her. I didn't think my father had planned to bring his GF to the wedding but deep down I just knew this would happen....
My dad calls me tonight to ask me why his GF didn't get an invitation to my shower. I told him that I thought my mother would be really uncomfortable with her there so I didn't include her on the address list I gave my mother. I told him that I felt bad but I didn't want my mother to feel bad and know I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. He said he understood how I felt but her is also upset that we didn't think to include her being that she is his longtime companion and that she isn't the reason my parents broke up and that she is always asking how we are and stuff.
I'm sorry that she feels left out but if its between her and my mom...my mom's feeling are going to take precedent over the GF's. But now I feel like S**t about my dad's feelings. He said he's not going to pursue the matter and that he will come by himself if he has to but I can tell he's upset.
I don't know if I should even tell my mother about this. She was just diagnosed with emphysema and is going to have a echocardiagram tomorrow to she if her heart is damaged from heart disease 5 years ago. She feels bad as it is because she can't afford to give much financial assistance with the wedding and I don't want to burden her with this problem.
Thanks for letting me vent.
OCT1203
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
I have divorced parents too and it has caused problems for me too (and they are both remarried). All I can tell you is go with what your heart is telling you to do and what is important to you! You can't make everyone happy in this situation so as long as you can live with what you decide that is all that matters. Your parents will understand (even if they might not be happy about it) and they love you so they will respect your decision. Good Luck! Just wait till you have to do the seating!!
sept20yay!
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
divorced parents here too. similar situation. my wedding is this saturday and my mom is coming alone. My father is coming with his fi. It was an acrimonious, stressful, bitter divorce. It is so incredibly hard. I know what you are going through-constantly playing both sides, always hurting one without trying. Then you get dumb calls like, one's feelings were hurt and you were like, I'm thinking about nothing but my wedding. I am not out to hurt anyone!!! I feel like I walked around with a sign on my back for the last year that said 'nothing personal!'- My middle name!!! LOL!
2003OCT10
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
Why dont you just ask your mom how she would feel if you invited the other lady? Since it was awhile ago, she might not be that bad with it.
soon2bmrs2004
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
M&M2004
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
Well...I guess I have to tell my mother about the call in case he decides to call her himself. I don't want her to be ambused or anything but I think I'll wait until after her stress test this afternoon.
jennbaby
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
FM
jenny2penny
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
I can understand your feeings. Just to share...my parents have been divorced since I was in Jr Hg. My mom is since remarried (and I just saw him the other day after not speaking to him for like 6 years, seeing for 3 years).
I have never been super close to my father either and he has had many girls friends since divorce. i don't think I would invite her either, especially if you have rarely ever seen her and are not close. I think she should understand that, and respect the mother of the bride. Besides, who will she know there anyway.
If you walk to the woman can you explain that to her. and tell he she is welcome at the wedding?
I know it's hard still fnding yourself in the middle of the divorce, after all these years.
Donna
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
I'm in the same situation also. For your case since you really don't have a relationship with the GF I wouldn't worry about it. Every woman invited to your wedding does not have to be invited to your shower and I think for the shower this should be your mom's time, especially with her health issues. She will have to share the wedding with your dad as it is... Good luck, I know being in the middle isnt easy
goldilocks
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
Although my parents divorce wasn't messy, my mom had to interact with my dad's new wife (many years later) at family holidays and stuff. I honestly think that it bothered my stepmother more than it did my mom. My mom really didn't mind seeing him with someone new. She just didn't want it to be her!
I understand that your mom is going through some medical stuff, but don't sell her short. She could be alot tougher than you think, and 15 years is a long time to hold a grudge, especially if this GF isnt the cause of their separation. She might surprise you and not have a problem with this woman coming. Maybe she even expects it. She hasn't brought it up to you so I don't think she's stressing it.
I would talk to her. You said you were close with her and I think you should ask her how she feels. Take it from there, but give your mom a chance to give her input.
bedda26
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
I am sorry to hear that you have to be stuck in the middle of this. This is your wedding and planning it should be fun without having to worry about hurting anyone's feelings. My husband's parents are divorced however they do get along, very well in fact. My FIL has a live in GF but he never brings her to any of the family gatherings, The way he sees it is that he does not want to rub it into his ex-wife that he has somone new. Noone has ever even met her....It's a part of his life that he keeps separate from the family and we respect that. They were divorced when all the kids got married but he never brought his GF in fact my FIL and MIL still sit together at family functions and even have a dance, they still danced the first dance at all their children's weddings except for mine because my FIL was the best man so the first dance was with my two MOH's.
I think your dad should be more understanding and just respect your wishes. You don't need this added stress because planning the wedding is stressful enough. But do talk to your mom and just get her opinion.
Some hugs for you...
bizzybridesmom
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
I'll give this from a parent's perspective. Your shower is a smaller & more intimate event than the wedding. It shouldn't be an issue that your father's GF wasn't invited to the shower. It's not like you were close all these years. Tell your Dad the shower invites only went to family & close friends, & frankly, you never thought she'd want or expect to be invited. Assure him that she is invited to the weding & you're looking forward to them both being there. (Some times the truth needs to be stretched a little). Then don't stress over this anymore.
Nora101004
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
Tough Poopies! Mom thru the shower, your GF wasn't invited. Maybe I'm just annoyed after dinner w/ my dad last night. If it means that much to them, maybe go out w/ your FH and dad and GF to a brunch or something, bring the pics and she can give you a present there!
Not to take away from your sit, but I'm annoyed at my dad b/c he wants to invite a guest to my cousins wedding and will all the posts lately about invited people, I've just had it. If you didn't get an invite, you weren't invited.--- okay, I'm done now.
I hope everything works out with your family. It does say something if you've only met this woman twice in 15 years.
Hope your mom is okay.
M&M2004
Posted:
Member since
Re: Divorced Parents....Problems... (Long)
Well...as I expected...my mom got upset at the idea of having the GF at the shower and the wedding. It stinks because no matter what I do I'll be hurting someones feelings. So this is what I've decided...
No GF at either the shower or wedding (she's not a part of my life, my father never made an attempt to make her or us for that matter a part of each others lives)
I had wanted both my parents to walk me down the aisle but after my mothers reaction I've decided that I'm going to walk myself down the aisle and have my FI meet me half way and we'll walk the rest of the way together. (I'm a bit too old to be 'given away' anyway ...33 yrs old!)
Thank G*d we changed to the Estate at East Wind from the Country Gardens as the Estate's dining room is separated into two halves with a dance floor between them. Not I can sit my mom on one side and my father on another.
