FMIL

I think I am going to lose it before next November. I really think she is over stepping her boundries on a lot of things. For instance, this morning she e-mailed me telling me she got a list of all the hotels in the area where I am getting married and she is going to start calling them and find out prices. I think she has no right to do this. And then she had the nerve to tell me that I must find reasonable places for people to stay. Well I am not going to go to a local dump, I want it to be nice. She is also telling me how I should do things at my ceremony as far as the band goes, children and many other things. When I bring these issues up to my FI, he says that if I feel she is doing something wrong then I need to talk to her, he thinks she is not doing anything wrong. He says that I really need to include her in this wedding. This is such a probelm for me. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with FMIL or has anyone been in a similar situation??

Re: FMIL

I am not in your situation but listen to her then make your own decisions. Let her feel like she is helping. She obviously wants to feel like shes a part but its your day and you have final say on EVERYTHING. And I think your FI should talk to her not you if you are that bothered!

Re: FMIL

oy vey.. I know EXACTLY what you mean... just let her be.. don't let her stress you out.. forget about her.. it's YOUR wedding..The way I am handling this is by thinking and saying to myself, she means well, she's just a **** pain...

Re: FMIL

In my opinion, I think she is just trying to help.... I don't know what your situation is with your FMIL, but if she wants to call a bunch of hotels and get prices, I'd let her do it! It's one less thing you have to do. You do NOT have an obligation to her to use any of her suggestions. But sometimes the FMIL's need to feel included. It's different for them then it is for the mother of the bride.

Again JMO. Good luck!

Re: FMIL

Octbride,

I have included my FMIL, but like you said, it's different for them then it is for the mother of the bride and that is exactly what I am trying to tell her. My FI knows that I like to do things on my own. I guess I should just try to not let it bother me, but it drives me crazy that she has so many opinions.

Re: FMIL

Jodi,

What I meant by different is that since they are not the parent of the bride, it's tough for them to get involved and they feel left out. So they like to get involved somehow, even if it is annoying. Just try to bite your tongue. I've been doing that. It works. Like I said you do not have to take ANY of her suggestions! I know it's annoying, but for the sake of all of you... Keep your mouth zipped! The worse thing you could do is come between a mother and her son! OH BOY!

Cheer up! Things will work out!

Re: FMIL

Thanks Octbride. I knew what you meant!

Re: FMIL

I don't have good advice for you but I feel your pain. I went thru this and there is no easy answer. MIL was always telling us what we had to do for ur wedding. Sometimes I would just let her talk and sometimes I would just tell her this is how we are doing it in the nicest way possible. Like you, I tried in many ways to include her. I would always keep her informed what we were working on and what we were doing to accomplish it but MIL wanted to be involved in every little detail and it was tuff because she has a very different lifestyle and opinions on things. She became very overbearing (I mean 4-6 emails on a simple topic like a pocketbook for me) and demanding. She screamed at me and made me cry. It was horrible. Eventually DH told her to back off and in turn I also had to exclude my mom from helping or else she would get extremely jealous. It was a miserable situation and it caused and still causes lots of issues between DH and myself.

As much as we try to get along, I know there is a lot of tension between us because we did not do everything her way and did most of the planning on our own.

My advice is try your best not to let her comments and thoughts get to you and do your best to plan wedding the way you want it. I tell my DH to tell his mom that we are adults and she should trust that our decisions with reflect our families personalities and and morals that they raised us with!!! Every now and then, give her a job or duty that will make her feel involved but not stress you out. We had MIL plan the rehearsal dinner (within a few guidleines that we provided.)

Re: FMIL

Thanks for the advice bridetobe! It is so hard, especially when Fi doen not see where I am coming from.

Re: FMIL

I really feel bad for you having to go through stress in the planning in reference to your FMIL. I had such problems with mine with the planning, but my problem was totally opposite. She did not care about ANY of our plans. She caused so much grief for me. Maybe your FMIL is trying to lighten your load. Do you think that could be it? Do you have a relationship with her that you could talk to her? Maybe if you cant talk to her you should take advice that many others gave on this board, just dont tell her about alot of the plans. As far as your FI saying that you have to include her, to include her and her running the show are two seperate things. Good luck! Oh, by the way, did you find a band yet? I remember you were going to all kinds of showcases. Hope it all worked out!!!

Re: FMIL

It took my DH a long time to realize where I was coming from!!!! He finally did when I handed him back the ring and said this can't happen (not something I recommend!!!)! Also, she did something to upset him so he started to see where I was coming from. I still struggle with his mom and sister are always right and I am always the wrong one..the bad guy! Yuck!

Re: FMIL

Cindy,

I would love not to tell her anything, but she puts me on the spot about everything. For instance, we were at her house in Florida for Thanksgiving and in front of everyone she asked me how much we are paying for the band. I thought that was totally unreal. I do not think I want everyone in the room to know my personal business (by the way, she already knew the price b/c FI previously told her). I think my FI tells her a lot more than I know about, because she asks questions in a way that she already knows the answers to. I did find a band and am really happy with my choice. Thanks for remembering.

Re: FMIL

Jodi:
I think you need to speak to your fh about this, if you let her manage the wedding, she'll manage the rest of your family together life too, after marriage.
And it could potentially become worse as time goes on. Your fi needs to realize that now you're a new family unit and as a unit you need to establish yourselves within your families as a family unit, not two separate pieces branching off of their parent families.


As to putting you on a spot (I have been in situations where I was asked how much $ I make by those who don't need to know), use a few defensive phrases, and they should get the hint.

For example, for a band, either answer 'a few thousand', or 'its a bit pricey but totally worth it' or for those that don't get the hints 'we prefer not to discuss out wedding expenses'.

My answer to the salary question is always 'enough to keep me there and let me live my life the way I want to'.

Re: FMIL

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. You are already making me feel good. Now I just need to work on FMIL and FI! It is so hard because he does not see where I am coming from.

Re: FMIL

Bridetobe, your situation sounds all to familiar, oh boy!!!

Re: FMIL

My advise: This is how your FH will handle issues for the rest of your life with his mother, and this is exactly how she will be. She will want to 'help' you with everything. He needs to let her know that she while her offers to help are apprecaited the two of you would rather make decisions about the wedding alone right now. If he will not speak up now, then plan on him being this way in your marriage.
Tell her that you appreciate her help but right now you would like to figure some of the plans out on your own, but if you need help you will ask her.

Re: FMIL

Jodi,
Also, My husband did not see where I was coming from either. I had such problems with his rude relatives at my shower that it wasnt until our wedding that he does see. I think he sees where I am coming from a little more, but I was always the bad guy. It was very hard. What band did you finally book???

Re: FMIL

We booked Timepiece.

Re: FMIL

Glad you got a band. Good luck!!!!

Re: FMIL

Like I said, don't listen to her.. My FMIL tortured me to death.. she was the one who told me that FH had a secret bank account for my e-ring thanks a$$hole for the surprise!

She would get drunk and REEEM me out about how her son this and that and pretty much almost degraded me because I'm spanish.. she would talk to me about fH'S ex gf's and how pretty they are, she'd show me pictuers of them with FH, she would tell me not to push her son into marriage.. but of course she'd be totally dif when he and others were around.. she grilled my mother about me pushing her son into marriage and other stuff my mother won't tell me..

should I go on?