Guilt over cost??

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Re: Guilt over cost??

Not that I think you should, if you're parents are well-to-do and happy to do it, but perhaps you could have picked someplace cheaper than Oheka??? It's prob. the most expensive place on the island. Could you have your wedding during the day, on an off-night, or off season?

Sorry, it's hard to understand the choice of location if you feel really guilty...........are your parents concerned with having it at Oheka? If so, then it's ok that they are paying for it. Maybe they want others to know that they can through such a lovely event.

My fiance and I are paying for our wedding.
We wanted a nice place but certainly didn't want to pay for Oheka (I'm a grad student and my fiance's going back for his PhD next year), so we're having it at the Harrison House. We wanted the place, but not the $180/pp price and the 175 min. guarantee, so we're having it at noon on a Saturday. So, we get our place, same amount of food, and the price is much, much less (plus we had them through in some extras).

Either way, your wedding will be beautiful! If the contracts already signed and you can't alter it, just smile and enjoy. Maybe you could be just slightly more frugal in the rest of the decisions?

Re: Guilt over cost??

i understand and can relate to your guilt completely! however, i know my parents are happy they are able to do this for me and they are doing what is within their means. i'm sure your parents feel the same and are thrilled to be giving you a wonderful wedding at such a lovely place! you are blessed to have parents who are able to do this for you.

Re: Guilt over cost??

just do whatever you want. Its your day, if your dad offered, he might have some extra money you dont know about... If you want after the wedding and receiving gifts you should give your parents a nice thankyou gift for all they helped out with


with the guest you can only hope for the per plate cost, all extras(photography etc..) are your extras which are not part of the guests day...

but its not about money, dont compromise for something smaller if your going to look back and say ' i wish i had done this'...:

Re: Guilt over cost??

i understand how you feel .. our parents are paying for the majority of the wedding. i feel strange about it at times .. but i know they're doing it out of love. i compromise on things they want, and vice versa. if they really want to do this for you out of love, then get over your guilt and enjoy their love

Re: Guilt over cost??

That is an excellent idea-giving them something-after the wedding, Butterfly! I am glad that I posted my message.

Re: Guilt over cost??

If your father couldn't afford it, he wouldn't.

If there were issues on the expense, he'd make sure the guestlist was smaller, don't you think? Or he would suggest another location within his limits.

Don't stress...the guilt will fade away as you get more involved in the planning.

Re: Guilt over cost??

My father is paying for everything for my wedding. I was told I could have it anywhere but I just could not justify asking them to pay to have it certain places. To me it wasn't about WHETHER he could afford it - it was more of hmm he paid (paying I'm not finished until July) for my law school degree how can I ask him to pay for this at all. He has basically refused to allow us to help pay for anything (other than for a few sticking points and items such as our honeymoon, rehearsal dinner, our rings etc, which are our responsibility.)

Everyone keeps saying if someone can afford it you should let him it. Well if you know your FH only has 100$ and wants to buy you a gift do you ask for the 100$ or 95$ gift just b/c they have that money?

That being said - my parents are paying for what they want to pay for - I went to tiffany's before my e-party and bought them a gorgeous vase as a thank you for that party. You could offer to pay for other wedding items as a thank you and then get them an amazing thank you gift later

Re: Guilt over cost??

You are very lucky to have such generous Dad. Don't feel guilty...just make sure he knows how much you really appreciate it.

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i understand how you feel. our parents are paying for the whole wedding pretty much. and i do feel guilty from time to time, like maybe i should have negotiated more or shopped around more, but too late now. i think our parents are happy that they can give us such a lovely wedding. and when i have kids i will be sure to do the same for them. if they really didn't have the money i'm sure they'd say something. and maybe you can contribute a small portion, for instance my fi and i are contributing about $2000, maybe more if we have it in sept. it's not much but at least it's something. try not to stress too much over it, you have enough other stuff to worry about. enjoy the day and the planning and maybe in a few years, when you have more money, you can buy your parents a really nice gift to thank them for the wedding.

Re: Guilt over cost??

It's your parents money and if they want to spend it on your wedding, it's their choice. Just let them know how much you appreciate it.

Do you feel guilty because they want you to feel guilty? Are they holding it over your head or bringing the cost up all the time?

Re: Guilt over cost??

I understand your guilt. While we're not having it at a very expensive place, it's still costing ALOT of money. And my parents are paying for about 99% of it. I try to buy some little things- gave money towards the photographer, pay for my make-up trials, paying for my moms make-up and hair the day of the wedding. And I think after we might send them on a short trip as a thank you.

However, I feel guilty so I tried to cut the list down too but my parents say they can't cut it anymore. So if they want to throw this for you, then enjoy it. I would find little ways to kick in money or do something to say thank you after it's over.

Re: Guilt over cost??

we have guilt over cost too and actually wound up arguing with our parents b/c we are payign for it ourselves - there is no way we want to feel responsible for them spending all that money...we are haivn ga nice wedding too but work hard ot keep it in our budget - try talking to them again....and you could also always ask your fh to help them out.....

Re: Guilt over cost??

if i sound mena, i am not trying to - i know i have had a bad day at work and do not mean to be short tempered or anything!

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Wow, you ladies are lucky. I feel no guilt b/c FI and I are paying for the wedidng 100% by ourselves. But if your parents can, then hey, go for it.

Re: Guilt over cost??

I have been there-done that but I paid for my own wedding. I can tell you that people DO NOT cover their plates, especially at some of the more expensive venues, and that you MUST plan your wedding because it is the wedding you want, not because you will get one penny back.
Every choice I made I asked myself 'Is this what I want? Am I happy parting with this amount of money in exchange for this service'. I also didn't invite people that I didn't want at my wedding, even though people would say 'Oh, but they will cover their plate'. I invited as is I would get not one penny from anyone.
For me, I have NO regrets over the amount of money I spent on my wedding.

Re: Guilt over cost??

I too felt no guilt because we paid 100% of it all ourselves. I look at so many brides and see who's sister or brother are paying for this, who's parents are paying for that...consider yourself lucky & if this is what you (& they) want, be happy, enjoy your day...it's only once!!

Re: Guilt over cost??

I kinda know what you mean but in a different way. Me and FH are paying for 90 percent of our wedding and sometimes I feel guilty since my taste can be expensive-but I just want a beautiful wedding. Be happy that your parents are helping out and be sure to thank them a lot

Re: Guilt over cost??

If your parent's are paying for 210 guests at Oheka chances are they can afford it and it's certainly not going to put them in the poorhouse.

I felt physically ill after I saw the final cost for our reception. My parents paid. When I first got engaged I told my mom that we were going to elope because of the cost of weddings and she and my dad woudn't hear of it. I'm the first to marry in my family.

And to top it off, our wedding gift was the closing costs on our house.

Be thankful that you have such generous parents and try to understand that it brings them joy to be able to provide you with an extravagant wedding or they wouldn't be doing it. And if they're not feeling horrible then you shoud try to stop feeling guilty.

At the end of the day it won't be just you saying it was the most magical day of your life. My parents were glowing on the day of my wedding, almost as much as I was. And after it was all over I can honestly say that the cost was something that wasn't even questioned. We all thought it was worth every penny.

Re: Guilt over cost??

AM470....I know EXACTLY how you feel. As a fellow OHEKA bride I assure you I feel your anxiety too. The problem is that once you sign the OHEKA contract your budget is OUT OF CONTROL from the start...trust me