Help with joint finances!

I could really use some help here. FH & I have been living together for over a year & have joined almost all of our finances. We share a joint credit card, joint ING account & a joint checking/savings at a local bank. Both our paychecks go into the local acct, which we pay our common household bills out of, save for the wedding out of into ING & use our spending money from.

As we get closer to the wedding & money gets tighter we've been bickering more & more about money. We seem to have a problem with agreeing on spending. How does everyone out there do it? Do you check in with each other before big purchases? What constitutes an amount that should be checked on before spending? Also how do you really compromise on spending when you totally disagree.

For example: at the moment we had a disagreement on a ski trip of all things. He enjoys sking & wants to go with his friends for the weekend, it'll cost about $400. I said really I think you need to skip going this winter & he got all upset saying he didn't need to 'ask my permission to spend his own money.' I get this idea, as I wouldn't ask him 'permission' we're grown adults... but why check in with me & then totally disregard my opinion, I found that really disrespectful. There are plenty of things I'd like to be spending on, but because of the wedding I'm not. We talked it over for hours last night & I'm at the point where I think we might need to seperate our money for our own sanity. I just feel like how's the marriage going to work if we can't compromise on spending now (before a house & kids, etc) Any insights??? I'm really stressing over this...

Such a stessful subject! My answers work for me, but I'll post them and hope they help....

First off, the day we opened a joint account, we resigned ourselves to just that - all of our money is joint - regardless of salaries, prior savings, etc.

Second, my guideline, is $75 - anything over that and it's something I want to know about. Case closed.

As for the ski trip, I agree with you. Depending on your budget, he should skip it. I'm sure you are both making sacrifices financially, and it should not be hard for him to understand that. There will be friends and snow next year too!!

I feel for you, it's such a tough thing to combine financial lives, spending habits, etc. It's definitely something we had to work on and it didn't happen overnight, but we are finally in a place where we respect our common goals and work towards them together.

Good Luck!!

I forgot to add that I think separating your money is a bad idea that will only lead to resentment down the line on who spends/saves how much. I think you should keep at it and try to make the current situation work.

This concludes my novel of a post!

I'm sorry you’re fighting.

I understand......no issue is stickier than $. And people sometimes don't get the idea of financial responsibility or sacrifice.

I had a similar problem only instead of a ski trip it was a brooks brothers suit ($1200) WTH. I'm wearing macys $99 specials, what are you too good for mens warehouse?

We separated our finances for a while. Then we re-joined them. I think once he realized he couldn't swing all this wedding stuff and lifestyle without my help he was more willing to make the sacrifices I was making.

It worked out well for us. I hope it works out for you as well.

sometimes guilt works too, like look at your nails and say
'I wish manicures weren'y so expensive, but 10 bucks every week will never help us save for the wedding'
Its bad, but I used that a few times too.

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Posted by winterwhite

WTH. I'm wearing macys $99 specials, what are you too good for mens warehouse?

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OK- I love this statement, its exactly how I feel. I'm busting my *** clipping coupons over here & you're off sking with your friends I feel like he thinks he's making too much money to worry about budgeting... without paying for the wedding, or saving for our first home that might be true, but that just isn't the case right now! I just want to shake some sense into him.

Money is one of the toughest things to deal with, especially when you have large expenses, like a wedding, etc.

I recommend having separate accounts as well, along with the joint one, and putting an equal amount of money into the separate accounts each month. We have the separate accounts but, DH also took on a second job (he's in the FDNY so he has a flexible schedule). When he wants to go on ski trips, he works a little more to make up for it.

Also, I know it's tough to do when you are upset but, sometimes taking a different approach when discussing things like this helps (my DH doesn't like you hear that he can't do something, regardless of the reason)

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Posted by ali120206

Money is one of the toughest things to deal with, especially when you have large expenses, like a wedding, etc.

I recommend having separate accounts as well, along with the joint one, and putting an equal amount of money into the separate accounts each month. We have the separate accounts but, DH also took on a second job (he's in the FDNY so he has a flexible schedule). When he wants to go on ski trips, he works a little more to make up for it.

Also, I know it's tough to do when you are upset but, sometimes taking a different approach when discussing things like this helps (my DH doesn't like you hear that he can't do something, regardless of the reason)

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I agree with the above, only I think you both should put equal percentages instead of equal money. Its much fearer especially if there is a disparency w/ income.

i like the idea of having one joint account and also having your own private checking account. my fiance and i can spend hours debating on what is considered a luxury or a necessity when it comes to personal expenses. i frankly don't want to deal with that headache. and it sounds like you don't either.

another suggestion...when my fiance and i talk about our expenditures, we try to justify our expense especially when 'saving' is your number one priority for the both of you. it's hard to save when you're spending $400 on a ski trip. tell him what you had to sacrifice for the wedding and see if he has made any sacrifices as well. if he hasn't, maybe he can start with the ski trip.

I wish I could offer advice, but we bicker less about money than when we had separate accounts.

We have seriously open lines of communication about money and discuss all purchases over about $100 before making them. This might not be practical to everyone, but it works for us -- if for no other reason than to make sure the account is never overwithdrawn.

However, my FI and I have VERY similar ideas about money and financial goals, so we tend to be on the same page about things. For us, we'd never dream of having separate accounts. Neither one of us would stand for it. The concept of 'our money' versus 'my money' was a very easy transition for us.

HOWEVER - this is b/c that is what works for US. Maybe for you guys, it would help to each have a separate spending account for you to spend however you want. Of course, you should openly discuss how much you'll be contributing to that account.

here's our plan:

we have our joint checking and joint savings account. that is used for all of our bills (credit cards, rent, car, etc.)... then 5% of our paycheck is deposited into a separate account. thats the 'no questions asked' money.. so if he wants to spend his on PS3 games and I want to spend mine on new shoes.... we've agreed to just accept that. so this way we each get to spend some money on the things we want but neither of us can go overboard...and all of our bills (whether they're 'separate' or not... like his student loans, or my credit cards, or our monthly rent) are paid from OUR account.

how are his spending habits besides this ski trip? Is he normally a spender?

Are you also arguing on what is being spent on the wedding?

We had seperate accounts up until we got married and moved in together. We only have 1 checking and 1 savings.....

We didn't want to have seperate accounts to avoid the whole your money my money argument.....

I say continue communicating with him. (even arguing is a form of communicating! lol) Agree on a goals and budgets.......you'll be fine.

I hate money. I love money, but at the same time I hate it, lol. I am the one that does our budget, banking and bill paying and all FH is responsible for is making the money. He knows very little about what goes on behind the scenes. If he tries to pull anything (such as making big purchases without my knowledge) I threaten to put the burden of our financial existence back on to him and go on strike. Just the threat is good enough for an apology usually.

Perhaps you should advise that you will make him take care of all the money and budgeting and wedding planning in your household and you will just hand over a paycheck each week. This way he can see that money doesnt just grow on trees.

FH and I don’t have joint accounts yet, but we have discussed finances and how we will approach them when we get married. We decided that we will have joint checking/savings accounts with a certain percentage going into them every pay period and then our own personal accounts. I’m sorry but when you are married there is no “my” money or “your” money, it’s “our” money period, that’s the whole purpose behind have joint accounts. For any large purchases, case in point the $400 ski trip I really feel that it should be a “joint” decision. I that you and FH can reach a reasonable and mutual decision.

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Posted by ronnysbride

how are his spending habits besides this ski trip? Is he normally a spender?

Are you also arguing on what is being spent on the wedding?

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normally he's the spender & i'm the saver- i hate it because i always feel like the bad guy stepping in to remind him of our budget. i don't want to be the budget police!
we haven't had a single argument on spending for the wedding- i'm really doing all the planning & he never says no to spending anything. i think he also knows that i would never waste our money on anything. i'm just so agravated, sounds like we'll be having another long talk tonight...

we have joint and seperate money. It really minimzes the stress. Household bills can come from joint, while seperate accounts with smaller amounts of fun money are the toy/clothing funds.

Then, each of you can't complain about the other's spending, becuase it comes from the account you have set aside for fun. Deposit amounts and frequency for the fun fund should be agreed upon once, and then not discussed again.

I hope this helps!

we have 1 acct. for the both us and that acct. pays the household bills and our personal bills... if we wanted to make a big purchase.. we usually mention it... and if we have to talk about the purchase then we talk about it.. so far, all the big purchases were made together...

we started out with 3 accts. but few months into that it became very difficult trying to keep up with 3 accts. so we got rid of 2 and just kept one.... honestly, skiiing is not a priority right now... especially since we guys have a wedding to pay off... luckily Mike (FH) understood that.. and never bought unnecessary items... talk to him and tell him that you're not telling him how to spend his money... it's just that you're concerned about paying off for the wedding...

also, his money should be your money and your money should be his.. if you start looking at it that way.. maybe you guys wouldn't disagree about spending money? i know that's how we look at it... I know not everyone is the same but you never know it might work for the both of you... good luck..

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Posted by hayleyandsteve

here's our plan:

we have our joint checking and joint savings account. that is used for all of our bills (credit cards, rent, car, etc.)... then 5% of our paycheck is deposited into a separate account. thats the 'no questions asked' money.. so if he wants to spend his on PS3 games and I want to spend mine on new shoes.... we've agreed to just accept that. so this way we each get to spend some money on the things we want but neither of us can go overboard...and all of our bills (whether they're 'separate' or not... like his student loans, or my credit cards, or our monthly rent) are paid from OUR account.

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i like your idea but how do you spend your 'seperate' account? Do you just use the cash from the bank or charge a credit card. my issue is i always use credit cards, so my spending money would be paid out of the the joint account with the credit card bill. I'm thining we would just keep our 'seperate accounts' funded for cash we need during the week for lunch, transportation, etc.

we''ve been married 1 1/2 years so far, and this is how we do it....
we have joint checking and joint savings- we each deposit the same PERCENTAGE of our salaries into this account. we go by percentage, becasue DH makes about 20 K more than i do.... we use this account for things like bills, mortgage, groceries, going out to eat when its not for one of our birthdays or something, and random 'family' stuff that comes up...
THEN, we also each kept our own personal savings and checking accounts for 'fun' money., that we personally control. that way, if i want to go out and go clothes shopping, he can't really say anything, and if he wants to go blow some money on random stuff, i can't really say much- because we both know that at least the necessities are covered by the 'joint' account. ( although we do still consult each other if its gonna be a big purchase from our personal account)
its worked out really well so far- good way to cover the necessties while still having 'freedom' with our money.... i also think it gets a little easier after the wedding when you're not as worried about saving for that

well, their is a difference in our salary range and this works for us:

FH: takes care of the houshold and daily expences, deposit's a certan percentage in to our savings account ( varies from 50 - 75%), and his pocket money.

Me: I put 50% of my income in to our savings account, 25% wedding, 25% my pocket money.