hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

brooklynbridezilla Posted: Jul 14, 2004 07:53 PM

Re: hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

I am a total hardass about this one. I'd leave, regardless of the length of the relationship or children. I don't have it in my heart to make a sincere effort to forgive, and that would poison the relationship further, and make it impossible to remain married.

nov04LIbride Posted: Jul 14, 2004 08:41 PM

Re: hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

Posted by september2004

i have a question for you - are your parents together or divorced? my mom and i had a debate regarding views towards marriage from children whose parents are sill together and those whose parents are divorced... i am a big 'never say never' person and thought this view was strange given my background but my mom argued that it was in line with what she believes...

I could never stay with someone who cheated. It would hurt me more than anything else he could do, and would show he has no respect for me as a partner.

My parents are divorced (stayed together 'for the kids' until I graduated from college), and let me tell you I am definitely a 'never say never.' (cheating was not a factor in the divorce). You can never predict the future, and there are many variables that would make me walk. If my FH ever laid a hand on me or my future kids I would walk...If he ever became a gambler or alcoholic and was unwilling to seek help...I have seen enough of my parents middle-aged friends to know that this happens often, and is not something you may predict when you are both 20-something...Having divorced parents I saw both sides--an unhappy marriage, as well as how a strong woman can be alone and happy--happy when she had the courage to leave a unpleasant situation.

laudipop Posted: Jul 14, 2004 08:51 PM

Re: hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

fashionhag, I think I must be the real freak, because I believe that when you vow to stay together until death no matter what, that's what it means--no matter what. Not to say cheating isn't a HUGE deal, in my opinion second only to physical abuse. It would obviously be incredibly difficult to forgive and 'forget' such a thing, and it would clearly take lots of counseling to resolve all the broken trust issues.

But isn't that what marriage is? When you hit a problem, however big, you work through it together because that's what you've promised to do. At the very least, you have to TRY to work it out.

I would add that if one partner is a serial cheater, or actually has a long-term affair, then I think it's a more thorny issue. But in the situation you described, a one-time thing...well, I think walking away from a marriage over that is a rash thing to do. JMO.

palebride Posted: Jul 14, 2004 08:53 PM

Re: hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

Posted by laudipop

But isn't that what marriage is? When you hit a problem, however big, you work through it together because that's what you've promised to do. At the very least, you have to TRY to work it out.

But when you promise to stay together forever, you also promise to respect that person and be faithful to them. If one person can't keep theri promise, I dont' think I would be able to keep mine. In my opinion that's a lack of respect....and I personally, don't think I could stay in a relationship where I felt I wasn't respected.
I'm not saying that I would simply walk away and never try to work it out.....but I dont' think I would be able to handle it in the long run.

laudipop Posted: Jul 14, 2004 09:00 PM

Re: hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

Posted by palebride

But when you promise to stay together forever, you also promise to respect that person and be faithful to them. If one person can't keep theri promise, I dont' think I would be able to keep mine.

Yes, that's true. But one person's failure doesn't let the other person off the hook. You both promise to stay together, so you both have to try. And if your DH was devastated because of what he had done and really wanted to get counseling to work it out, I think you'd owe it to yourself to try.

I'm not saying it would be easy or even that I would necessarily be able to get over it in the long run, either. I just think that if you want a marriage to last for the rest of your life, you have to be willing to work at it even when you don't want to.

Butterflybride Posted: Jul 14, 2004 09:01 PM

Re: hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

Depends on the circumstances I guess. Maybe if he had gotten really really drunk and barely remembered it happening, but other than that, no way.

BlondeJD Posted: Jul 14, 2004 09:04 PM

Re: hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

As a person who said she'd walk for cheating, I do admit that you can 'never say never' in most cases. I just know myself well enough that I couldn't go on with the marriage. But, to acknowledge some other points, I have some personal stories:

My mother married her 1st husband and high school sweetheart at 18. She had my brother at 21 when they were living in Germany. After they came back to the states, my mother was working in NYC and so her younger sister was coming over to help out babysitting my brother. Well, one night my mom came home and her husband had gotten home early and her sister was there. She sensed that something was 'off' and she found out that they'd slept together. I'm not even kidding! What makes it worse (if that's possible) is that my mother was the oldest of 7 and basically raised her sister, so she was a mom-type figure. Well, my mother walked out. However, a few years ago, she said that in hindsight, she might not have left. But, at that point, she was very young and it didn't seem like something she could get past. So, maybe it is something about idealism and thinking about how marriage 'should' be versus what reality brings us. I'm happy she left because she met my father a few years later. Just me being selfish

As for children being involved, I know that my brother and his wife reconciled solely because my brother was so worried about some other guy raising his kid and not having any control over it. So I'm sure that having kids does change things.

palebride Posted: Jul 14, 2004 09:07 PM

Re: hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

Posted by laudipop

Posted by palebride

Yes, that's true. But one person's failure doesn't let the other person off the hook. You both promise to stay together, so you both have to try. And if your DH was devastated because of what he had done and really wanted to get counseling to work it out, I think you'd owe it to yourself to try.

I tiotally agree.....and I would most likely stay and try to work it out.....but it would be really hard for me - I have a huge insecurity problem and if someone were to betray me like that, it would take something huge for me to forgive him. i had a boyfriend who I believe was cheating on me in high school.....it was over 10 years ago, and i don't even have any proof that he did cheat.....but it still tugs at my heart to think that he could have done that to me - like he was laughing at me behind my back. i'm not sure i could go on in life thinking that the one person i trusted with everything was laughing at me behind my back while lying naked in bed with another woman (or man, i'll be PC - hey, that's a whole different thread!!)

laudipop Posted: Jul 14, 2004 09:14 PM

Re: hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

I agree, Palebride, that image of being laughed at is what I'd find hard to get past, too. Hopefully that's what therapy/couples counseling would help with!

On the whole are-your-parents-married thing, I should say that my parents had been married for 43 years when my dad died in November. And when I was a kid, they fought so much that I used to pray they'd get divorced. But they're devout Catholics who believed divorce was simply not an option EVER. And they stayed together, and eventually got past their issues and were happy and still in love when my dad passed. So that's my example.

chicagogal Posted: Jul 14, 2004 09:26 PM

Re: hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

Posted by julz33

Posted by fashionhag

Julz, I think we all know your answer. LOL!

I am just wondering why my answer is funny

I don't think she meant to say your answer was funny...just that she alrady knew what you would say...probably because of your post about that someone you know who did cheat on her husband.

MamanDaddyof2 Posted: Jul 14, 2004 11:19 PM

Re: hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

We just had a meeting with the preist and one of the first thing he said was you must be faithful to one another.
Why bother getting married if you aren't ready to committ to your spouse???

Not to mention how all it takes is one time to get HIV, an STD or get someone pregnant and TEAR your world apart

My opinion is if your dh loved and cared for you there is no amount of alcohol or anything that would make himbreak his vow/committment to you.
For me I would NEVER be able to forget it would haunt me I would have to leave him
.

endlessluv429 Posted: Jul 14, 2004 11:39 PM

Re: hmmm, a spinoff from another post regarding cheating...

i have seen so many dirtbag men cheat on their wives & DESTROY families of those I love (thank God, not my own dad) so maybe that is where my opinion is coming from when I say that I think any man who cheats on his wife and kids should be stripped of his manhood.