Hurt and betrayed...

OMG, I am so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. I agree with the other girls...you have to talk to him. I know it's hard to hear but at least you found out before you were married. He should not be angry that you read his e-mails...you went with your gut and there is nothing wrong with that. Stay strong and remember that all we have in the end is ourselves. We are all hear for you...good luck and keep us posted you will be in my thoughts

i'm sorry to hear that, this is a situation that needs to be taken care of very fast.U don't want to go into something that the both of u are not ready for.Unfortunately its 'us' as the female that ususally gets hurt , but just think, its better to be out in the open now, than to have a future full of lies.
I hope things work out for u

I am sooo sorry, I went through something similar a long time ago, so I know what it's like!!! I confronted him and I finally got the truth that I needed to hear. As much as it hurts, you're better off knowing if he is the person you should be marrying!!!

The fact that he says he goes out and pretends to be single is a red flag right there. Although you don't think he has cheated on you, whose to say he hasn't?

I would ask him why did he propose marriage if he is not ready for the commitment. Those would probably be the first words out of my mouth. If he asks what do you mean, just say you don't feel like he's committing to the relationship and you feel alone.

If he argues, then pull out the emails that you have printed.

I hope all works well for you, you deserve someone who will be there for you 100% and is willing to commit to a lifetime with you. You should be settling for nothing less than that!!

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Posted by nov04LIbride

Ugh, I don't know what to tell you. How can you confront him without showing you did not trust him at all and were snooping through his emails?

Whether or not I had anything to hide I would break up with FH if he broke into my email account when I had not given him access. So you run the risk of him breaking up with you.

If it were me, I would decide what I wanted the outcome to be. Do you want to break up? Do you want to go to counseling and try to work through it?

If you do want to salvage it, I would NOT admit to checking his email. I would just say I think we've been having problems, do you care enough to see a counselor to salvage what we do have?

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I agree 110%. It's hard, when you find something that you really didn't have the 'right' to find to begin with. Unless it were laying out there in the open, he could very well turn it all around on your lack of trust in him (not saying it's right, just saying it COULD happen).

I would tell him you've been having some concerns and doubts and that there are things that have been happening that have lead you to believe he might not be in this 100%. And then go from there.

Try to keep a clear head about it! He may be just trying to set you up! He must know that you have seen a few of his emails. Guys have a very strange waying of trying to prove themselves. Stay calm and confront him about it. Stretch the truth and twell him that you got a crazy email. Go into his account and email yourself a couple of them and tell him he forwarded them to you so you take some heat off of yourself when you two talk. It may seem like a bad idea but it mught help alleviate future problems with you both!

Good luck to you! Stay calm & smile!

print the email but don't show it to him and DO NOT tell him you were snooping in his email -

he may be getting a bit of cold feet and was just asking advice from a friend - that is what the last email sounds like to me - you never know - he may have doubts - this is a huge step for him and was trying to get some thoughts out - if you confront him with the email it may be all he needs to walk away and then he will turn the tables and say he can't trust you and you don't trust him -

I would sit down to dinner and just as him if he has doubts about marrying you - and tell him to be honest - give him the chance to come clean - if he doesn't come clean - then maybe I would bring up the email.

good luck

I agree with others brides here. You should talk to him.
I am so sorry.

This is really horrible and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this situation, but it's so much better that you found this out now. First of all you must speak to him face to face and the first thing you should admit to and apologize for is snooping. Women have their intuition and that lead you to snoop, if there wasn't a reason for you to feel you have to look through his emails then he should get over it, but obviously there was a reason.
He then needs to explain to you why he emailed the things to his friend and couldn't discuss this with you. He needs to admit where he was wrong and talk about what he's feeling. if it was a fantasy or not, the fact that he's discussing this with someone other than you says a lot. It's inappropriate, immature and hurtful and it was very sneaky how he did this over email. Obviously he is not ready for marriage and isn't man enough to admit this to you, the person that loves him.

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Posted by nov04LIbride

Ugh, I don't know what to tell you. How can you confront him without showing you did not trust him at all and were snooping through his emails?

Whether or not I had anything to hide I would break up with FH if he broke into my email account when I had not given him access. So you run the risk of him breaking up with you.

If it were me, I would decide what I wanted the outcome to be. Do you want to break up? Do you want to go to counseling and try to work through it?

If you do want to salvage it, I would NOT admit to checking his email. I would just say I think we've been having problems, do you care enough to see a counselor to salvage what we do have?

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perfectly said

so sorry good luck

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Posted by nov04LIbride

Ugh, I don't know what to tell you. How can you confront him without showing you did not trust him at all and were snooping through his emails?

Whether or not I had anything to hide I would break up with FH if he broke into my email account when I had not given him access. So you run the risk of him breaking up with you.

If it were me, I would decide what I wanted the outcome to be. Do you want to break up? Do you want to go to counseling and try to work through it?

If you do want to salvage it, I would NOT admit to checking his email. I would just say I think we've been having problems, do you care enough to see a counselor to salvage what we do have?

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You would really break up with your FI if he checked your e-maiL? Personally, I wouldn't like it but wouldn't end a relationship over that.

I WOULD however end it over his e-mail.... so my advice to the poster is ......who cares if he is mad at you for snooping??? You were obviously right on the money. I say you confront him, YOU break up with him and then let him do the explaining. You deserve way better than a FI who pretends he is single and isn't sure he can be monogomous to one woman for the rest of his life!!

You definitely need to talk with him. As you said, something is not right. I am so sorry you are going through with this, but as many of the others said, its better to find out something like this now rather than after you are married and have kids or whatever else. See what he has to say... Its like a double edged sword because you have to admit you looked through his email... oh jeez. So sorry and so many hugs your way!

I feel like he may be setting you up- so choose your wording carefully

But I also have a theory that if you feel like you have to snoop then there is a problem- and if you snoop you always find something bad

I am so sorry that you are going thru this- it *****!

so maybe this will turn out to be the gateway for you guys to fix things!

A co-worker of mine just had this happen to her...she and her FH broke up. She did catch him... They invested in a house together and lost a lot, but I will say one thing...she's very grateful she found out now and not after she was married.
Confront him....you'll always have this on your mind and it's no way to start a marriage.

Good luck.

That is horrible, I am sorry. 16 years, wow though!!
I would confront him directly about it-OR I would email him under a diff name, if hes on AOL, and ask him to meet up or something, catch him, in a way. Then you will def have proof.
man, sometimes men can be such dicks!

Ok, I would start out by asking him one serious question: 'Can you be faithful to me for the rest of our lives?'

It is basically his one chance to 'fess up' and it is a chance for him to voice how he truly feels about fidelity.

There is no need for you to tell him you were snooping - I would just say that you have a gut feeling that he is not ready to commit to you forever, and this worries you a lot, especially because you are planning on marrying him.

See what happens, he may fess up to his feelings and call it all off (which is probably what is for the best). But at least you will not have to spill the beans that you snooped. You will come out of this smelling like a rose - and it will be his fault for the break up (not yours).

Please let us know what happens - good luck and we are here for you!

first im so sorry that you read those things. as for the latin girls thing- that is very immature and guyish and im sure he would be mortified if he knew you read that. as far as the other stuff, i cant even begin to imagine how you are feeling.

i really think you should discuss it with him. maybe you dont have to tell him how you know, but to ask him if he is ok and happy in the relastionship and see where that conversation goes. maybe fudge the truth and tell him that you heard he was unhappy and saying things like that behind your back and that you want to know whats bothering him and why hes having second thoughts.

i actually know a girl that had the same feelings as your fiance did- she even went as far as seeing a therapist - because she considered ending the engagement. she was concerend about certain things that she never discussed with him and she had all this pent up emotion and fear about getting married.
after a discussion with him she realized why she was marrying him in the first place. as far as i know everything is going really well with them.

these emoitons on his part could be cold feet or something serious but i really think you should talk with him soonest! fm me if you need anything!!!

I am so sorry.
You definately need to confront him on this. This is not something to look away from. As much as it hurts, it needs to be discussed.
I am here for you if you need to talk.

So we had a long talk tonight and he was sorry for writing that..admitted to it. He
was not mad at all about me seeing the e-mail.
He works weird hours at night and feels unhappy with his life. He said he was 'depressed', which I knew.
He said he did not mean it and would not cheat but we need to work on things.
I asked about counseling and in the fall, if things do not improve, we will go.
We agreed to 'date night' at least once a month. Overall he was practically crying because he feels like life is passing by and he is miserable. He gained 30lbs in the past year and he has always been into working out and keep himself fit and looking good. Well, age has taken care of that and he has a belly now and most of his muscle turned to fat.
Yadda, yadda, we are going to work this out and he truly regrets writing that and I guess I have to believe him. He is going to work on the relationship and making himself happy with things outside of work. He works, sleeps, and eats. So getting himself a hobby should help.

Sorry this is long for the update and again I cannot say enough about the overwhelming about of love and support I received.
Thank you to all!!!!