Hurt and betrayed...

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Posted by usuk2004

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Posted by The Original 2nd-time-around

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Posted by KarAnthony


I would make him do a little more than just apologize. I would def. be a little distant till he earns your trust back. Trust is the foundation of every relationship.

Good Luck!!

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Sorry, but I have to agree with this.

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I disagree...that's just playing games.

Only you can really judge if your discussion has really solved things or just patched things up for the meantime...the thing that bothers me about the situation is that he's said that he didn't mean what he wrote, but has he told his friend that? I mean he went to his friend about his unhappiness first, not to you - I think that's a problem in itself - but now that unhappiness is beyond just you both as a couple and it's public knowledge...He's involved other people in your problems, I just don't think that's right.

It's really hard to admit you need help in a relationship, and even harder to follow through and get that help...but I really think you would benefit from some counseling

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thank you. I agree. aren't we all getting MARRIED here...what does that mean to everyone. this guy is going through a rough time...this is general, but men usually handle emotions differently, especially something like feeling depressed....he seems to have been acting out...

in any event, he came clean and wants to talk. I can't believe that some of you future wives would suggest to her to just run after 16 years....that is NOT what marriage and commitment are supposed to be about. Good times AND bad...there are BOUND to be BOTH in EVERY relationship.

do what you feel is right. after 16 years, you know him and only you can know if he is really dedicated.

Good luck and best wishes.

OMG!!! I am soooo sorry sweetie!!! Well, if you guys can work through this, than good for you!!! You're with us!!!

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Posted by JessicaM.

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Posted by usuk2004

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Posted by The Original 2nd-time-around

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Posted by KarAnthony


I would make him do a little more than just apologize. I would def. be a little distant till he earns your trust back. Trust is the foundation of every relationship.

Good Luck!!

---

Sorry, but I have to agree with this.

---

I disagree...that's just playing games.

Only you can really judge if your discussion has really solved things or just patched things up for the meantime...the thing that bothers me about the situation is that he's said that he didn't mean what he wrote, but has he told his friend that? I mean he went to his friend about his unhappiness first, not to you - I think that's a problem in itself - but now that unhappiness is beyond just you both as a couple and it's public knowledge...He's involved other people in your problems, I just don't think that's right.

It's really hard to admit you need help in a relationship, and even harder to follow through and get that help...but I really think you would benefit from some counseling

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thank you. I agree. aren't we all getting MARRIED here...what does that mean to everyone. this guy is going through a rough time...this is general, but men usually handle emotions differently, especially something like feeling depressed....he seems to have been acting out...

in any event, he came clean and wants to talk. I can't believe that some of you future wives would suggest to her to just run after 16 years....that is NOT what marriage and commitment are supposed to be about. Good times AND bad...there are BOUND to be BOTH in EVERY relationship.

do what you feel is right. after 16 years, you know him and only you can know if he is really dedicated.

Good luck and best wishes.

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I didn't say I would run...I didn't say that at all! What I 'agreed with' was that he has to make her earn his trust back. That's not something that you can say 'I'm sorry' for and everything is then A-OK. I'm sure she was very, very hurt and felt very betrayed...as she should have. But you can't just turn those feelings off like a switch. And he shouldn't expect that saying he's sorry takes away all that hurt.

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Posted by betrayedFiancee

So we had a long talk tonight and he was sorry for writing that..admitted to it. He
was not mad at all about me seeing the e-mail.
He works weird hours at night and feels unhappy with his life. He said he was 'depressed', which I knew.
He said he did not mean it and would not cheat but we need to work on things.
I asked about counseling and in the fall, if things do not improve, we will go.
We agreed to 'date night' at least once a month. Overall he was practically crying because he feels like life is passing by and he is miserable. He gained 30lbs in the past year and he has always been into working out and keep himself fit and looking good. Well, age has taken care of that and he has a belly now and most of his muscle turned to fat.
Yadda, yadda, we are going to work this out and he truly regrets writing that and I guess I have to believe him. He is going to work on the relationship and making himself happy with things outside of work. He works, sleeps, and eats. So getting himself a hobby should help.

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I think it is great that you talked, but it really sounds like maybe he needs professional counseling. My DH at times has been depressed with his job, etc., but unless something is going to change (changing job or career), he needs to decide how he is going to deal with that depression. And not only did he mention sex with others, he mentioned him possibly not wanting to marry you. Whether or not that is how he truly feels, there are major communication issues if he emailed a friend about it before talking to you about it.

You said, 'we are going to work this out and he truly regrets writing that and I guess I have to believe him.' You don't have to--you have a choice here. Decide what is best FOR YOU. It sounds like maybe there are other underlying issues--if you've been dating 16 years, has there been talk of marriage before? Does he put off marriage?

IMO we all deserve a man who wants to marry us more than anything in the world, and who thinks we are God's gift to him. All relationships require work, but if he is acting like maybe after 16 years he can't commit to more, there's a problem. Good luck!

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Posted by The Original 2nd-time-around

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Posted by JessicaM.

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Posted by usuk2004

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Posted by The Original 2nd-time-around

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Posted by KarAnthony


I would make him do a little more than just apologize. I would def. be a little distant till he earns your trust back. Trust is the foundation of every relationship.

Good Luck!!

---

Sorry, but I have to agree with this.

---

I disagree...that's just playing games.

Only you can really judge if your discussion has really solved things or just patched things up for the meantime...the thing that bothers me about the situation is that he's said that he didn't mean what he wrote, but has he told his friend that? I mean he went to his friend about his unhappiness first, not to you - I think that's a problem in itself - but now that unhappiness is beyond just you both as a couple and it's public knowledge...He's involved other people in your problems, I just don't think that's right.

It's really hard to admit you need help in a relationship, and even harder to follow through and get that help...but I really think you would benefit from some counseling

---

thank you. I agree. aren't we all getting MARRIED here...what does that mean to everyone. this guy is going through a rough time...this is general, but men usually handle emotions differently, especially something like feeling depressed....he seems to have been acting out...

in any event, he came clean and wants to talk. I can't believe that some of you future wives would suggest to her to just run after 16 years....that is NOT what marriage and commitment are supposed to be about. Good times AND bad...there are BOUND to be BOTH in EVERY relationship.

do what you feel is right. after 16 years, you know him and only you can know if he is really dedicated.

Good luck and best wishes.

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I didn't say I would run...I didn't say that at all! What I 'agreed with' was that he has to make her earn his trust back. That's not something that you can say 'I'm sorry' for and everything is then A-OK. I'm sure she was very, very hurt and felt very betrayed...as she should have. But you can't just turn those feelings off like a switch. And he shouldn't expect that saying he's sorry takes away all that hurt.

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Stacey, I think you were a victim of bad QUOTE-ing on my part! , sorry!

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Posted by usuk2004

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Posted by The Original 2nd-time-around

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Posted by JessicaM.

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Posted by usuk2004

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Posted by The Original 2nd-time-around

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Posted by KarAnthony


I would make him do a little more than just apologize. I would def. be a little distant till he earns your trust back. Trust is the foundation of every relationship.

Good Luck!!

---

Sorry, but I have to agree with this.

---

I disagree...that's just playing games.

Only you can really judge if your discussion has really solved things or just patched things up for the meantime...the thing that bothers me about the situation is that he's said that he didn't mean what he wrote, but has he told his friend that? I mean he went to his friend about his unhappiness first, not to you - I think that's a problem in itself - but now that unhappiness is beyond just you both as a couple and it's public knowledge...He's involved other people in your problems, I just don't think that's right.

It's really hard to admit you need help in a relationship, and even harder to follow through and get that help...but I really think you would benefit from some counseling

---

thank you. I agree. aren't we all getting MARRIED here...what does that mean to everyone. this guy is going through a rough time...this is general, but men usually handle emotions differently, especially something like feeling depressed....he seems to have been acting out...

in any event, he came clean and wants to talk. I can't believe that some of you future wives would suggest to her to just run after 16 years....that is NOT what marriage and commitment are supposed to be about. Good times AND bad...there are BOUND to be BOTH in EVERY relationship.

do what you feel is right. after 16 years, you know him and only you can know if he is really dedicated.

Good luck and best wishes.

---

I didn't say I would run...I didn't say that at all! What I 'agreed with' was that he has to make her earn his trust back. That's not something that you can say 'I'm sorry' for and everything is then A-OK. I'm sure she was very, very hurt and felt very betrayed...as she should have. But you can't just turn those feelings off like a switch. And he shouldn't expect that saying he's sorry takes away all that hurt.

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Stacey, I think you were a victim of bad QUOTE-ing on my part! , sorry!

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No need to apologize...I think I made it confusing quoting all those quotes

I didn't say I would run...I didn't say that at all! What I 'agreed with' was that he has to make her earn his trust back. That's not something that you can say 'I'm sorry' for and everything is then A-OK. I'm sure she was very, very hurt and felt very betrayed...as she should have. But you can't just turn those feelings off like a switch. And he shouldn't expect that saying he's sorry takes away all that hurt.

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That's exactly what I meant to. I stand by what I said. Sorry just doesn't cut pretending you are single when you go out and talking about banging latino chicks.

We need to open up our eyes girls, these are signs that we should not overlook with a simple 'I am sorry'

i am so sorry to hear about this. i would definetly sit down and talk to him about this RIGHT AWAY, no questions asked.

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Posted by The Original 2nd-time-around

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Posted by usuk2004

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Posted by The Original 2nd-time-around

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Posted by JessicaM.

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Posted by usuk2004

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Posted by The Original 2nd-time-around

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Posted by KarAnthony


I would make him do a little more than just apologize. I would def. be a little distant till he earns your trust back. Trust is the foundation of every relationship.

Good Luck!!

---

Sorry, but I have to agree with this.

---

I disagree...that's just playing games.

Only you can really judge if your discussion has really solved things or just patched things up for the meantime...the thing that bothers me about the situation is that he's said that he didn't mean what he wrote, but has he told his friend that? I mean he went to his friend about his unhappiness first, not to you - I think that's a problem in itself - but now that unhappiness is beyond just you both as a couple and it's public knowledge...He's involved other people in your problems, I just don't think that's right.

It's really hard to admit you need help in a relationship, and even harder to follow through and get that help...but I really think you would benefit from some counseling

---

thank you. I agree. aren't we all getting MARRIED here...what does that mean to everyone. this guy is going through a rough time...this is general, but men usually handle emotions differently, especially something like feeling depressed....he seems to have been acting out...

in any event, he came clean and wants to talk. I can't believe that some of you future wives would suggest to her to just run after 16 years....that is NOT what marriage and commitment are supposed to be about. Good times AND bad...there are BOUND to be BOTH in EVERY relationship.

do what you feel is right. after 16 years, you know him and only you can know if he is really dedicated.

Good luck and best wishes.

---

I didn't say I would run...I didn't say that at all! What I 'agreed with' was that he has to make her earn his trust back. That's not something that you can say 'I'm sorry' for and everything is then A-OK. I'm sure she was very, very hurt and felt very betrayed...as she should have. But you can't just turn those feelings off like a switch. And he shouldn't expect that saying he's sorry takes away all that hurt.

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Stacey, I think you were a victim of bad QUOTE-ing on my part! , sorry!

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No need to apologize...I think I made it confusing quoting all those quotes

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yes, I wasn't really disagreeing with you per se...it's the other post about distance...that's what I disagreed with.....

anyway, I hope everything works out.

yes, I wasn't really disagreeing with you per se...it's the other post about distance...that's what I disagreed with.....

anyway, I hope everything works out.

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What I meant by distancing is that she needs to separate herself and think things out. This is a major issue to deal with and requires thinking on her part.

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Posted by SIBride06

Without question.. I would end it FAST.

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I AGREE ! would you ever really trust him ever agian? I would not want to spend the rest of my life with all that in the back of my head...everytime he went out id be thinking bad things! Good luck!!!

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Posted by jg

END IT NOW
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I am sorry but I agree...or at least try counseling....I think he's making excuses....He shouldn't of said that..
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It's hurtful to say this but I have to agree with the above two posts.

Take a minute and try to think about the most depressed and the most awful you have ever felt in your life (like your FH may be feeling). Now, would you EVER say the things he said in that email? Take a step back and realize your worth more than a few tears and an apology from your FH.

It would be easy for me to say 'Congrats - Glad everything worked out' when clearly he has some issues. Go to counseling or do something that will improve his life and your relationship. I'm sorry to be so honest but hopefully you will take this piece of advice and not wait for things to improve.

Lots of strength to you during this time

awww sweetie.. I am sooo sorry.. I would honestly talk to him and see what happens..

Well I'm glad that you two talked it over! Thats the first step. Just use your instincts and counseling can't hurt. He apologized, it's your choice to accept it and give him another chance. What he did was still wrong, immature, hurtful, distrustful and very low. Being depressed about himself is no excuse for what he did and just be careful in the future. If he can't talk to you about his feelings about his issues and sets his mind to act out by 'being single' without being man enough to tell you himself, I would definitely reconsider how much he can be trusted. I think a lot men are 'so sorry' only because they got CAUGHT. If you didn't confront him, do you think that he would have eventually talked to you about this, probably not.
Communication is very important and can save a lot of heartache, so express to him clearly that he better talk to you about whats going on with him if he wants to make it work.

Depression is a very real disease and can wreak havoc on your life. He needs help and fast. He needs to work on himself first then as a couple. Once he starts to feel better, you will notice. He was probably relieved that you brought it up. Guys are not regular communicators about their emotions. I think it was probably extreme that he put the words in an e-mail but that was his way of expressing himself to a buddy. He couldn't say-hey I'm a miserable b@stard and I don't know what to do.

Good luck with this and give it some time. Once he is taking steps to help himself you will know he is on the right track and you won't feel the need to snoop.