I havent worn my engagement ring in 2 days.

I have to be honest and say first Im sorry you are going through this but it is your choice. You dont HAVE to be with him or this abusive behavior. I too had a not so good childhood not abusive in beating but verbally and I would NEVER marry into that. It DOESNT change, you hear about it all the time, you have to ask yourself do you want this for your children too? The cycle will never end, whether its physical or verbal or mentally abusive its all the same. YOU guys MUST go to COUNSELING NOW!!!! not later- if you want him to not to change but CONTROL himself- after you are married its different the security in his eyes is that hes gotcha- before marriage you could walk away even though we know you wont he may not know that after the therapist mentions some things. YOu really need to go asap. Also you should have done this from the beginning of your relationship why did you wait so long? People who have had abusive childhoods seem to accept that behavior in their relationships and its NOT acceptable and YOU have to know that- YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT- break the cycle once and for all!!!! Its up to YOU, nobody else! I wish you all the best! and PS what nerve he has treating you this way knowing of your illness to!! where is his sensitivity? geesh- they say you know how a man will treat you by the way he treats his mother- you said he speaks to her that way too- thats a NO NO. I hope you find peace with this.

I am so sorry that you are going thru this. Please know that you deserve to be treated like a queen and nothing less! Do not treatment you do not deserve. We're here to support you!

Fh hasn't been this way our entire relationship. He started this about October or so. I have been trying different ways to handle it. I was so surprised because he never spoke to me like that until after I moved in with him. He was always a gentleman and curtious.

I totally blame his mom. He speaks to her like an animal and she laughs and thinks it's cute. She never taught him what was aceptable. I don't know where he gets it from either cause his father was not like that.

Ugh, I hate this. But I absolutely cannot and will not live this way for the rest of my life.

you are so right.
You can not live your life this way. You need to let him know this and genuinely know how you feel.

I really dont want to sound negative but it upsets me to hear women being disrespected ESPECIALLY when it is the man who is going to be your life partner.
My attitude is usually, if you act weak people will treat you like a weakling.

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Posted by diamondgrlie
My attitude is usually, if you act weak people will treat you like a weakling.

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Uh, what exactly does that mean?

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Posted by CubanBride

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Posted by diamondgrlie
My attitude is usually, if you act weak people will treat you like a weakling.

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Uh, what exactly does that mean?

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I don't think it was a jab at you, Irene. I read it as: If you let people walk all over you, they will.

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Posted by brooklynbridezilla

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Posted by CubanBride

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Posted by diamondgrlie
My attitude is usually, if you act weak people will treat you like a weakling.

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Uh, what exactly does that mean?

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I don't think it was a jab at you, Irene. I read it as: If you let people walk all over you, they will.

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Oh, well that's true.

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Posted by CubanBride

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Posted by brooklynbridezilla

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Posted by CubanBride

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Posted by diamondgrlie
My attitude is usually, if you act weak people will treat you like a weakling.

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Uh, what exactly does that mean?

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I don't think it was a jab at you, Irene. I read it as: If you let people walk all over you, they will.

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Oh, well that's true.

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I didnt mean it towards you in a mean way.
I just meant like when he yells at you and you cower from him, it isnt sending him the message that it is wrong to be acting that way to you. Same way as when the mom laughs it off.

I just know from experience you have to show that you are NOT happy with disrespectful treatment.

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Posted by diamondgrlie

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Posted by CubanBride

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Posted by brooklynbridezilla

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Posted by CubanBride

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Posted by diamondgrlie
My attitude is usually, if you act weak people will treat you like a weakling.

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Uh, what exactly does that mean?

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I don't think it was a jab at you, Irene. I read it as: If you let people walk all over you, they will.

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Oh, well that's true.

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I didnt mean it towards you in a mean way.
I just meant like when he yells at you and you cower from him, it isnt sending him the message that it is wrong to be acting that way to you. Same way as when the mom laughs it off.

I just know from experience you have to show that you are NOT happy with disrespectful treatment.

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You are exactly right and I am going to let him know tonight.

Irene, I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.

I don't even know what to suggest having never been in this situation. I guess sitting with him and his mother together to address this is the most appropriate course of action since you are marrying this man in 8 weeks. She needs to understand that her laughing it off when he is nasty to her is not acceptable and it must be addressed sooner rather than later.

I do have to tell you though, my dad always said that you can judge a man by how he treats his mother and/or daughter. I recently saw a program (Oprah I think) where the women were not being battered but emotionally abused. All three of them did say the men were wonderful during the courting period but one woman said her husband turned on her on the wedding day during photos after the ceremony.

Having been in an abusive situation before, you are probably aware of the so-called 'signs' but I think verbal/emotional abuse is more difficult to deal with. I know I day I'd leave if a man ever hit me (and my dad & brother would kill him) but I guess it's hard to draw a line with verbal/emotional abuse.

You have been dealing with this since October but I really do think this should be addressed as soon as possible.

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Posted by CubanBride

FH as gotten to acting like that all the time, not just when he is angry.

I should explain that I grew up in a very abusive household so when he yells at me I feel like a child sitting in the corner, hoping my mother won't beat me again. I know that's extreme, but it's how I feel.

I am going to have to talk to him tonight. I usually just stop talking to him when he acts like that, but then he gets even angrier. I have tried yelling back, but that doesn't work.

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I am SO sorry you are having to deal with this at all, let alone as you are getting ready to get married. I agree with a lot of the other ladies, and you're a smart woman, so you likely already know this---he will NOT change after you get married just because of the vows. After you talk to him, really look if there is any change at all. I think counseling is a wonderful idea. I know it's overwhelming to think about, but please do not get married if you feel this is the way you will be treated. You deserve and are worth so much more--demand it and accept nothing less.

Please keep us in the loop. I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong!!! You are so worth it!

The 05 girls have already given you excellent advice. Good luck. I hope he realizes what he is doing and it stops very soon!! Maybe there's something going around. My FH has been extremely cranky lately. I had to have a talk with him Sunday about it. We're both stressed with wedding planning and living in our tiny apartment.

Ok, here's my 2 cents. I'm not sure if this would help out at all but it could be worth a shot. I would sit down with his mother and discuss this with her. Maybe if you two stand strong and show him that he can't push the both of you around he'll try to think things through a little. You and FMIL could use eachother as a support system. I definitely would also go with the idea of telling him that you're not going to stay if he starts yelling. Just walk away and tell him you come back maybe you can talk things through like adults! I have to deal with yelling and cursing sometimes too. And I have to say it's a lot easier giving advice than implimenting it!!! Good luck sweetie!

First,

I have to be completely honest with you...

This scenario scares the crap out of me. As some girls have posted before:

1. An almost sure sign of how a man treats a woman is how he treats his mother. If he has always spoken to her that way did you ever question it? This is the woman who brought him into the world and raised him as best she could with what she had. If he doesn't treat her with respect why should he treat any other woman with respect.

2. Emotional abuse is far more intrusive. If confronted with certain physically abusive hypothetical scenarios most women say 'No way, if he hit me I'd be out the door'. I can tell you first hand, a bruise might take a few days or a week to heal, words and emtional abuse can take a lifetime. I ended a relationship with an ex a year before I met FH. I started to see very small signs of a controlling personality. My friends admitted to me months later that they were really scared and prayed every day that I would get the hell away from him. I would bet everything I own that if I had stayed with him I would have definitely been abused in one way or another. I shutter to think what if life was different and I married him. I started to get the picture when I felt my soul was dying. One day, after a fight I just left (gave him a taste of his own medicine). I remember leaving his house thinking, Theresa, take a good look around because you are NEVER coming back here again. He called me 2 weeks later as if nothing happened, sent me flowers and a diamond bracelet. I sent it back and kept my soul!!!

3. My FH's ex-wife was emotionally abusive. NONE OF IT REALLY STARTED UNTIL AFTER THEY WERE MARRIED. He loved her so he made excuses for her for a few years. THERE IS NOT ONE EXCUSE ON THIS EARTH TO JUSTIFY EMOTIONAL ABUSE. She was emotionally and sexually abused in her childhood. That is absolutely awful but as adults we have the power to stop the abuse, get help and control our behavior. WE are the only animals on this planet that have the ability to do that. When she wasn't yelling or screaming she would claim she needed time to herself and leave (often) for week long vacations without him. She also had 14 jobs in the none years he knew her and was REALLY horrible with money. He was constantly bailing her out and helping her pay for things she charged and could never afford.

4. Abusers like to isolate the people they are abusing. It's a way they find control. His ex almost completely isolated him from his family. Toward the beginning of their trial separation (she wanted to take a sabbatical in Maine... not like she worked more than 10 hours a week or they had kids... sabbatical from what?) she convinced him to consider moving to Maine (he could do this and still keep his job in sales). They even made an offer on a house. Thank God it fell apart. Shortly after we got engaged I took his mom out to lunch, tears welled up in her eyes when she said, 'Thank God he never moved to Maine or I probably would never had seen him again. I am so thankful he met you, I feel like I have my son back'. I can't tell you how that has touched my heart.

5. Please try at a peaceful moment to convince him to go to counseling. He most likely was or witnessed abusive behavior towards women when he was growing up and thinks this is how it should be. NO WAY. Please do this BEFORE you get married, seriously, even if you have to postpone it. I know it's awfully embarassing but it's better than getting divorced later, especially if you guys have kids. It's terrible on everyone.

6. Was he ever abused? I would guess that his father abused his mother and that's where he learned it from. His mother also puts up with it. How healthy has her relationship(s) been with men? Did he have more than one father/step-father etc. because it looks like his mom is used to being abused.

By the way, as you know, counseling can do wonders but he really, really , really needs to want to change. FH's ex said she did, bought every self-help book ever published and she talked the talk alwasy finding fault with everything under the sun except the real problem. She not only needed to talk the talk but WALK THE WALK which most people (abusers, spendaholics, overeaters, addictsetc.) don't want to do.

I wish you much strength. Please, please, please listen to your gut no matter what anyone says. What does Irene need? Who cares about everyone's expectations of you and your wedding? What do you need for the rest of your life? Please do some soul searching and really ask yourself can you make a life commitment to this man the way he is acting right now. Life doesn't get any easier, how will he act then?

Sorry this is so long but due to personal experiences alarm bells went off in my head and this scenario basically scared the 'you know what' out of me.

It must be something in the air, this weekend was the worst weekend in about 3 years for us. I called off the wedding, returned the ring, and cried for 2 days. And like you it was about something that apparently he has always done but i have always made excuses. But it bothers me so much. My advice is stand strong, this is someone and something that you will deal with for the rest of your life! If its about the way he treats you maybe there is an underlying reason, men rarely come out and say what is bothering them.
Good Luck! THink happy thoughts